Page 4 | Sis & wedding..seriously stressed

BluNomad · 2023-07-08T18:44:54+00:00

Sorry long post….Cousin getting married in August, big fancy affair in 5* country hotel, looking forward to it. My DH & I are staying in the hotel the night of the wedding & my sis/bil were also offered first refusal on a room (which were discounted anyway due to wedding party) they declined as they didn’t want to spend that kind of money on a room they’d barely spend any time in..fair enough so they are staying in a hotel a few miles from venue. Now the wedding is child free, clearly stated on invites plus my sis & I knew this prior to invites going out as we are close with our cousin & she has regularly discussed the arrangements with us. DH & I have one DC who is going to my ils for weekend of the wedding. My sis & bil have a one dc 8 months who they have now decided cannot possibly spend the night away from them so my sis mentioned few weeks ago that she’s just going to bring dc & as we’re close to cousin she won’t mind but she’s not going to tell her. DH & I said of course you cannot just turn up with dc that’s extremely rude given you accepted the no child invite, she basically said she doesn’t care & that’s what’s happening. DH said he is going to tell cousin unless they do, so she did & cousin said (in nicest possible way) absolutely not. Now sis is saying she’s bringing dc but they can just use our suite at the venue to take turns looking after dc but I know that dc will end up asleep & either we’ll have him with us overnight or my sis or bil will fall asleep in the room & will end up in our suite for the night plus I don’t want anyone in our room, it will be a mess if they’re using it & nephew will end up in our bed. I’m seriously dreading the whole wedding now as what I was expecting to be a lovely weekend with our family & friends plus bonus of us spending a night in a luxury suite with my dh is being hijacked by my sis & bil. I haven’t mentioned it to my dh yet as he’ll be furious & I’ll rather handle it with my sis before hand but I don’t know how to & it’s massively stressing me. Just to point out my sis is extremely entitled & doesn’t take no well & I don’t want to fall out with her & it be frosty at the wedding I want us to all enjoy the day together. AIBU just say no & deal/ignore her strop which I’m expecting will be inevitable

swimminginthesun · 08/07/2023 22:02

Totally going against the grain here but I feel sorry for your sister. Your tone suggests you think she is being precious by not wanting to spend a night away from her baby. I disagree. Perhaps back when the invites were sent she thought it would be fine but has now realised she doesn’t feel ready. 8 months is still very little. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable leaving my babies at that age either. You say you are both close to your cousin but by excluding children, even babies, she has made it very difficult for your sister to attend. This is her choice of course but I think it suggests that your sister is not a high priority guest. Your sister is probably feeling quite hurt by this. I would probably just not attend (there would be no hard feelings but my kids come first) but your sister seems to really want to be there and is trying to think of a way to make it possible. If I were you I would try to stay out of it as much as possible as the issue is between your sister and cousin. Make it clear that your room is not available and leave it to them to sort out!

GG1986 · 08/07/2023 22:07

Put your foot down on this one. No way would I allow my sister to do this and its so rude of her to treat your cousin this way too.

CleverLilViper · 08/07/2023 22:08

swimminginthesun · 08/07/2023 22:02

Totally going against the grain here but I feel sorry for your sister. Your tone suggests you think she is being precious by not wanting to spend a night away from her baby. I disagree. Perhaps back when the invites were sent she thought it would be fine but has now realised she doesn’t feel ready. 8 months is still very little. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable leaving my babies at that age either. You say you are both close to your cousin but by excluding children, even babies, she has made it very difficult for your sister to attend. This is her choice of course but I think it suggests that your sister is not a high priority guest. Your sister is probably feeling quite hurt by this. I would probably just not attend (there would be no hard feelings but my kids come first) but your sister seems to really want to be there and is trying to think of a way to make it possible. If I were you I would try to stay out of it as much as possible as the issue is between your sister and cousin. Make it clear that your room is not available and leave it to them to sort out!

I completely disagree.

Her sister is acting entitled. I get not wanting to leave her baby but then she doesn’t go. End of.
She doesn’t get to try and do what she wants at someone else’s wedding and ruin their day just because she can’t be arsed to sort childcare.

RudsyFarmer · 08/07/2023 22:09

Oh I’d just say no and fall out with her. Job done.

Quiverer · 08/07/2023 22:11

BluNomad · 08/07/2023 20:49

I appreciate the just tell her comments but I don’t speak to my sis in an aggressive or confrontational way & am not about to start. I will just tell her she can’t use our room because we want to use it ourselves during the course of the evening & won’t be able to if our Nephew is in there sleeping, so coming from a practical angle

Don't bother to give her a reason, tell her simply that the answer is no. If she wants a room in the hotel she'll have to pay for it.

Or just organise a babysitter for her son.

MrsMarzetti · 08/07/2023 22:23

She can only use the room is you give her the key. Tell her now, it is nor happening and come the day ignore any request for the key.

FlamingoQueen · 08/07/2023 22:26

Are there any rooms left? They declined a room so it’s tough! Be firm!

Crumpleton · 08/07/2023 22:32

diddl · 08/07/2023 21:25

So on the day when she's there with her kid are you likely to be pressured into letting her use the room to keep the peace/stop a scene/let her tired child rest?

Of course OP will be.
In her Dsis eyes it'll be OP fault that the DC is having to attend the wedding itself as she won't allow her Dsis/BIL access to the room.

You're better off letting your Dsis know in advance that she will definitely not have access to the room at any point during the day and you won't be discussing it further, if your Dsis continues to try and convince you otherwise just change the subject.

Original poster

BluNomad · 08/07/2023 22:35

Obviously she thinks she can just ask for the key on the day & I’ll just hand it over but I want to sort it prior rather just refusing to give her the key & causing a scene at my cousins wedding. I will speak to her tomorrow, I definitely need to sort it out before wedding anyway otherwise they’ll bring my Nephew & have nowhere to take him so would have to leave anyway & that’s not fair

OP posts:

BlumminKids · 08/07/2023 22:35

Send your cousin a link to this thread. Ask her to pretend that she came across it and linked it to you and your sister

Original poster

BluNomad · 08/07/2023 22:41

My DH has known my cousin & sis years, they are his family so he’s not inserting himself anywhere unwanted, plus he’s seen his fair share of bs behaviour from my sis over the years & will happily call her out on it but he felt her sense of entitlement over bringing nephew was one step too far this time & was seriously pissed off with her flippant attitude concerning her own cousin’s wedding day hence why he said tell her if my sis didn’t

OP posts:

PocketBattleship · 08/07/2023 22:43

Walkacrossthesand · 08/07/2023 21:10

@FictionalCharacter indeed - so important to prime the hotel reception, ensure the booking is clearly marked 'access to <you and DH> only at all times, no other family members'. This kind of person is used to getting their own way and persisting until they do. A password (Notting hill style) would be excellent.

Definitely do this, then leave your DH in charge of your key if he has no qualms about telling her to fuck off, so she has to ask him for it and then sit back and watch the fireworks.

NeedToChangeName · 08/07/2023 22:52

Don't let DS AND BIL use your room, or it'll appear that you're condoning them bringing their child

StaunchMomma · 08/07/2023 23:03

The only reason your sister is entitled and doesn't take no well/falls out with people if they say no is because she's been allowed to act like this.

Just tell her NO!! It's not up to just you who uses your & DHs hotel room and it's certainly not up to her!

If you don't like this behaviour from her, don't take it.

StaunchMomma · 08/07/2023 23:14

BluNomad · 08/07/2023 20:49

I appreciate the just tell her comments but I don’t speak to my sis in an aggressive or confrontational way & am not about to start. I will just tell her she can’t use our room because we want to use it ourselves during the course of the evening & won’t be able to if our Nephew is in there sleeping, so coming from a practical angle

Why is standing up for yourself 'aggressive and confrontational'?

'Hi Sis, wanted to let you know ASAP that you won't be able to use our hotel room for the wedding. We've talked it over and we've really been looking forward to a night away together. It just doesn't work for us, I'm afraid. Thought I'd make you aware in case you were banking on us.'

Any push back?....

'Sorry you feel that way but, as I said, it doesn't work for us. We want the hotel room to ourselves'.

Repeat as many times as you need to.

Honest, clear, non-apologetic and not aggressive or argumentative in the slightest.

She can't argue with herself, OP. Just don't get dragged in. It's absolutely not fair on your DH to allow her to walk all over you when it messes up his plans too.

UsingChangeofName · 08/07/2023 23:32

Bitterballen · 08/07/2023 21:23

Jeez, your poor cousin. Honestly, you and your mum are focusing on the hotel room issue but the bigger issue is the poor bride and groom potentially faced with the enormously difficult situation on their wedding day of an extra unwanted guest!

Someone (your parents?) needs to get them to see sense, what they are planning is awful. Is your BIL more amenable? I can't see how this doesn't end in a family rift if she goes ahead. To which of your parents is your cousin the niece to? I think the brother/sister generation above you need to step in to save B&G from this stress.

She sounds horrendous.

This is spot on.
Anyone who knows that this is your sister's plan - you, your parents (?), your dh, should all feel some responsibility towards the couple getting married, and make it really, really clear to your sister that what she is suggesting is completely out of order.
I absolutely agree with you not letting her use your room, but you seem to have all moved to "accepting" that your sister will bring her dc. No. She can't. If you all know she has suggested this and don't stop her, then you are complicit.

I appreciate the just tell her comments but I don’t speak to my sis in an aggressive or confrontational way & am not about to start.

You don't have to be aggressive.
But, from her entitled attitude, it is pretty obvious that someone needs to explain clearly to her that she is completely wrong here, and that has to be someone who knows she is going to do it........ which sort of narrows down the number of people who can.

UsingChangeofName · 08/07/2023 23:37

swimminginthesun · 08/07/2023 22:02

Totally going against the grain here but I feel sorry for your sister. Your tone suggests you think she is being precious by not wanting to spend a night away from her baby. I disagree. Perhaps back when the invites were sent she thought it would be fine but has now realised she doesn’t feel ready. 8 months is still very little. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable leaving my babies at that age either. You say you are both close to your cousin but by excluding children, even babies, she has made it very difficult for your sister to attend. This is her choice of course but I think it suggests that your sister is not a high priority guest. Your sister is probably feeling quite hurt by this. I would probably just not attend (there would be no hard feelings but my kids come first) but your sister seems to really want to be there and is trying to think of a way to make it possible. If I were you I would try to stay out of it as much as possible as the issue is between your sister and cousin. Make it clear that your room is not available and leave it to them to sort out!

The point is, if the sister had decided she can't leave her child, she has options

decline the invitation for herself
take a willing sitter with her and leave her dc just for the ceremony and meal
leave with a sitter at home for the much shorter time it takes to just attend the ceremony and meal
book her own room in the hotel the wedding is at and take a sitter with her

I don't think any of the last 3 are particularly practical, but they are still options. In truth, if you have a child that you feel you can't leave, then the onus is on you to make a compromise arrangement, or to decline the invitation. The one thing that is NOT an option is turning up with a baby when you have been told the baby isn't invited.

Gowlett · 08/07/2023 23:45

OMG, a lovely kid-free weekend for you & DH in a posh hotel. And your sister wants HER kid in your room? Unbelievably selfish!

swimminginthesun · 08/07/2023 23:53

@CleverLilViper I think it’s a bit ott to suggest the presence of an 8 month old will ruin the day but I agree it’s the bride and groom’s choice whether or not to allow babies to attend and the sister shouldn’t go against that. All I’m saying is that I understand why she’d be upset that her cousin’s decision to exclude babies may also exclude her and she is trying to get around this. You obviously don’t understand her not wanting to leave her baby as you have put her actions down to not being “arsed to sort childcare”. 🙄

sandyhappypeople · 08/07/2023 23:55

UsingChangeofName · 08/07/2023 23:32

This is spot on.
Anyone who knows that this is your sister's plan - you, your parents (?), your dh, should all feel some responsibility towards the couple getting married, and make it really, really clear to your sister that what she is suggesting is completely out of order.
I absolutely agree with you not letting her use your room, but you seem to have all moved to "accepting" that your sister will bring her dc. No. She can't. If you all know she has suggested this and don't stop her, then you are complicit.

I appreciate the just tell her comments but I don’t speak to my sis in an aggressive or confrontational way & am not about to start.

You don't have to be aggressive.
But, from her entitled attitude, it is pretty obvious that someone needs to explain clearly to her that she is completely wrong here, and that has to be someone who knows she is going to do it........ which sort of narrows down the number of people who can.

Show quote history

I agree with everything you said, Except how can they stop her though really? They can’t, they CAN make it clear that they don’t approve and they CAN refuse to let her use their room. They can’t actually stop her doing it in the first place though unfortunately. If she’s hell bent on it, there’s not an awful lot they can do?

swimminginthesun · 09/07/2023 00:13

UsingChangeofName · 08/07/2023 23:37

The point is, if the sister had decided she can't leave her child, she has options

decline the invitation for herself
take a willing sitter with her and leave her dc just for the ceremony and meal
leave with a sitter at home for the much shorter time it takes to just attend the ceremony and meal
book her own room in the hotel the wedding is at and take a sitter with her

I don't think any of the last 3 are particularly practical, but they are still options. In truth, if you have a child that you feel you can't leave, then the onus is on you to make a compromise arrangement, or to decline the invitation. The one thing that is NOT an option is turning up with a baby when you have been told the baby isn't invited.

Show quote history

I didn’t say she should turn up with the baby. The fact that you state your last three options may not be practical perfectly illustrates my point - that the sister may be starting to feel that not attending is her only option, is upset by this and is trying to find a way to still be there.

Unless this wedding was organised at the last minute (highly unlikely) the invitations probably went out months ago, perhaps even before the baby was born. So the sister probably assumed she’d be fine to leave the baby by 8 months. As the date has come closer she has realised she is not comfortable with that. To me the solutions she has come up with seem quite desperate and I imagine that’s how she’s feeling.

People are judging her on what the OP assumes her reaction will be if she says she can’t use the hotel room, not on what she has actually done. She has accepted that the baby can’t come to the wedding. Perhaps if OP actually speaks to her and says no to using the hotel room she will accept that too and come to the conclusion that she can’t attend either.

strawberry2017 · 09/07/2023 00:17

If you can't say no to her then let your husband. Someone needs to take control of the situation and sort before the wedding! X

QueenBitch666 · 09/07/2023 00:18

Just say no FFS. It's not your drama 🙄

Thundercats77 · 09/07/2023 00:27

@UsingChangeofName i think the baby won't be attending the wedding but will be looked after, according to sis, in Ops room like a shift pattern by sis and bil and I bet they will rope in other family members. So therefore it no longer concerns the bride and groom....
It's how does op get out of her room not being used.

UsingChangeofName · 09/07/2023 00:42

The OP has written, in her opening post so my sis mentioned few weeks ago that she’s just going to bring dc & as we’re close to cousin she won’t mind but she’s not going to tell her. DH & I said of course you cannot just turn up with dc that’s extremely rude given you accepted the no child invite, she basically said she doesn’t care & that’s what’s happening.

The sister has literally said "She's just going to bring dc ........and not tell her (the bride)" then "she said she doesn't care and that is what is happening"

If the OP makes it clear she thinks this is appalling and will not be letting any of the family into her room and will not be holding the child or babysitting in any way, then she might or might not be able to make her sister stop and think, but at least she is not complicit in it as she will be if she doesn't make it clear she won't have anything to do with it now she knows of her sister's thinking.