Page 5 | Sis & wedding..seriously stressed

BluNomad · 2023-07-08T18:44:54+00:00

Sorry long post….Cousin getting married in August, big fancy affair in 5* country hotel, looking forward to it. My DH & I are staying in the hotel the night of the wedding & my sis/bil were also offered first refusal on a room (which were discounted anyway due to wedding party) they declined as they didn’t want to spend that kind of money on a room they’d barely spend any time in..fair enough so they are staying in a hotel a few miles from venue. Now the wedding is child free, clearly stated on invites plus my sis & I knew this prior to invites going out as we are close with our cousin & she has regularly discussed the arrangements with us. DH & I have one DC who is going to my ils for weekend of the wedding. My sis & bil have a one dc 8 months who they have now decided cannot possibly spend the night away from them so my sis mentioned few weeks ago that she’s just going to bring dc & as we’re close to cousin she won’t mind but she’s not going to tell her. DH & I said of course you cannot just turn up with dc that’s extremely rude given you accepted the no child invite, she basically said she doesn’t care & that’s what’s happening. DH said he is going to tell cousin unless they do, so she did & cousin said (in nicest possible way) absolutely not. Now sis is saying she’s bringing dc but they can just use our suite at the venue to take turns looking after dc but I know that dc will end up asleep & either we’ll have him with us overnight or my sis or bil will fall asleep in the room & will end up in our suite for the night plus I don’t want anyone in our room, it will be a mess if they’re using it & nephew will end up in our bed. I’m seriously dreading the whole wedding now as what I was expecting to be a lovely weekend with our family & friends plus bonus of us spending a night in a luxury suite with my dh is being hijacked by my sis & bil. I haven’t mentioned it to my dh yet as he’ll be furious & I’ll rather handle it with my sis before hand but I don’t know how to & it’s massively stressing me. Just to point out my sis is extremely entitled & doesn’t take no well & I don’t want to fall out with her & it be frosty at the wedding I want us to all enjoy the day together. AIBU just say no & deal/ignore her strop which I’m expecting will be inevitable

Threenow · 09/07/2023 01:07

Another one here who thinks you have to grow a spine and just tell her that she is not using your room, and make sure she doesn't get access to a key. People like her carry on with this type of behaviour because others let them get away with it. You can pass the job onto your DH if you like

Codlingmoths · 09/07/2023 01:24

Her husband not attending is the option. Did you read what her mum said about her too? Are you assuming she has some controlling husband who would insist she stays home with baby and he goes to her cousins wedding, when everything the op and her mum say about her sound like she is extremely entitled and can be very aggressive?

op, there is nothing aggressive or confrontational about saying I want to be clear that you won’t be using our hotel room. We are enjoying a baby free night and there will be no babies in our room.

also, you would totally turn around and see them both there and realise they’d left the baby alone and think you had to go and check on them for the baby’s sake.

Stillcantbebothered · 09/07/2023 01:35

BluNomad · 08/07/2023 20:49

I appreciate the just tell her comments but I don’t speak to my sis in an aggressive or confrontational way & am not about to start. I will just tell her she can’t use our room because we want to use it ourselves during the course of the evening & won’t be able to if our Nephew is in there sleeping, so coming from a practical angle

You don’t need to be confrontational or aggressive to be assertive and stand your ground.

Avondale89 · 09/07/2023 02:22

It sounds as though your DH is well versed in dealing with your unpleasant, selfish sister. If the genders were flipped in this story and a woman was complaining because her husband was asking her deal with her SIL people would be up in arms. Regardless of how long he has known your family, it’s your responsibility to deal with it. Why are so reluctant, or in your words too much of a coward, to deal with her directly?

She behaves like this because you enable it. It seems that your mother does as well. Having boundaries doesn’t make you aggressive or confrontational. It just means you won’t let people trample all over you. Your sister is extremely emotionally immature.

PostOpOp · 09/07/2023 08:52

I think you need to tell your cousin what DSis is planning. You can say you think she's planning it, but you're not sure, or "I wouldn't be surprised if DSis..". Because when she causes a problem at the wedding, you need to make sure you're not seen as part of it, or even possibly part of it.

And then tell her no, without a reason she can ignore, use to belittle you.

Tell the hotel in advance too - because what are the chances she gets there before you to get the key "for you" as though she's helping you in some way.

If you're not going to be blunt with her, you need to put in all the possible blocks to her plans that you can.

PPs are right though that the only reason she thinks she can do things like this is because everybody is too afraid if upsetting her. She's got rather a lot of control over you all!

I hope you enjoy your room - alone with DH - and have a great time at the wedding!

doorstopper123 · 09/07/2023 10:07

Your sis sounds like s nightmare but also, 8m could surely be allow to come

Ellie1015 · 09/07/2023 10:51

Someone is going to be upset either sister or cousin. As sister is wrong in this case i would do the right thing and be clear with sister you wont be assisting with her going against brides wishes and she cant use your room anyway as a treat for you and dh.

Ellie1015 · 09/07/2023 10:52

doorstopper123 · 09/07/2023 10:07

Your sis sounds like s nightmare but also, 8m could surely be allow to come

Even if bride did allow 8m old to come using OPs room and likely leaving baby or one parent falling asleep there is not acceptable. They would have to get own room at hotel.

Wether or not 8m should be allowed is a different issue. In this case the baby is not welcome.

Original poster

BluNomad · 09/07/2023 11:18

Whether or not people think children should be invited is irrelevant, they’re not & that’s that. I think my cousins motivation was a wedding we attended before she started her own arrangements; kids were invited & it was the biggest shit show of a wedding we have ever been to, personally I would be reluctant to accept invitations to any wedding where kids are included based on that experience alone.

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 09/07/2023 11:23

personally I would be reluctant to accept invitations to any wedding where kids are included based on that experience alone.

I have been to very few, if any, child free weddings and none of them were shit shows. I think you were unlucky that this particular wedding had shit parents as guests.

Splishsploshsplash · 09/07/2023 11:25

It is not aggressive or confrontational to say you don’t want to share your hotel room. Send it as a text if you must, and follow up with hotel reception when you check in.

Who cares if your sister throws a tantrum? Stop enabling her.

sodthesodoff · 09/07/2023 11:35

Saying no isn't being confrontational.

As even your own mother has the measure of her suggesting she'll try to get you babysitting as well suggests she's gotten away with this behaviour for a long time because no one says no to her.

People have given you very concise and polite ways of declining. Use them.

And absolutely pre warn the hotel. She will try to get a key. She doesn't give a fuck about anyone else does she.

WickedSerious · 09/07/2023 11:59

doorstopper123 · 09/07/2023 10:07

Your sis sounds like s nightmare but also, 8m could surely be allow to come

Not if it's a child free wedding.

CleverLilViper · 09/07/2023 12:14

@swimminginthesun It's clear from the OP's posts that her sister has form for this kind of behaviour.

There's no mention of anxiety around leaving her baby or being unable to part. It seems, from OP's posts, that her sister just feels entitled to do whatever she wants regardless of what other people want. She doesn't seem to care about what the bride and groom want or indeed what the OP wants. Just about ensuring she gets everything she wants.

Her sister has choices. Her husband could stay home and tend to the baby if she's nervous about leaving with a sitter or even a relative.

She could sort childcare. Or, if she doesn't want to do that, she can opt to not attend the wedding. Is that ideal? No, but it's a choice she's made and it may even be understandable. Many mothers of young babies make the same choices.

When child-free weddings are held it should always be with the understanding of two things:

Children cannot attend under any circumstances
That may mean some people with kids will have to decline the invitation.

Also, the OP has made it clear why the cousin doesn't want children at the wedding after attending a shit show of a wedding where children attended and ruined it. Of course, that could have been bad luck. However, given the fact that they're family and were both in attendance at that wedding-there's a good likelihood that the parents of the kids will also be attending the cousins wedding-so cousin was smart to exclude kids from her wedding. As she's likely to run into the same kids from the previous wedding!

Createausername1970 · 09/07/2023 12:16

Your sister is being very unreasonable and entitled. Even your mum thinks so.

Your DH has the measure of her and if he is willing to be the bad cop in this instance, I would let him tell her a firm No.

Lordofmyflies · 09/07/2023 12:30

You can be clear, firm and polite. " Hi Sis, As you can appreciate, DH and I are really looking forward to some much anticipated child-free time away for XX's child-free wedding and plan on making the most of our expensive suite! It will therefore not be available for you to use but I'm sure reception maybe able to help'
I think I would also pre-warn the hotel to not give out any room key and possibly the bride and groom.

Original poster

BluNomad · 09/07/2023 12:33

I’m seeing her later so I have decided I will ask her whether she has sorted childcare yet or sorted some other option. If she mentions using our room then I will just say I presumed she was joking as I know you wouldn’t want to ruin our weekend by using our expensive suite all night as a crèche. I’m definitely not giving her that option but I’m not telling her to f off or anything that confrontational as I would never speak to her like that. Regarding her bringing nephew, she already knows how we feel about that but unless it’s being suggested I physically stop her (god knows how) then that’s impossible & just because I know doesn’t make me complicit in her plan

OP posts:

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 09/07/2023 13:00

swimminginthesun · 08/07/2023 22:02

Totally going against the grain here but I feel sorry for your sister. Your tone suggests you think she is being precious by not wanting to spend a night away from her baby. I disagree. Perhaps back when the invites were sent she thought it would be fine but has now realised she doesn’t feel ready. 8 months is still very little. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable leaving my babies at that age either. You say you are both close to your cousin but by excluding children, even babies, she has made it very difficult for your sister to attend. This is her choice of course but I think it suggests that your sister is not a high priority guest. Your sister is probably feeling quite hurt by this. I would probably just not attend (there would be no hard feelings but my kids come first) but your sister seems to really want to be there and is trying to think of a way to make it possible. If I were you I would try to stay out of it as much as possible as the issue is between your sister and cousin. Make it clear that your room is not available and leave it to them to sort out!

Ha! The sister’s ways of “trying to make things work” amount to a) taking the baby to the wedding and presenting it as a fait accompli, with zero thought for how that would affect the cousin she supposedly loves so dearly and b) taking over her sister’s room and turning it into a crèche (presumably with the expectation that the OP will help look after the baby, despite having organised childcare for her own).

What’s conspicuous by its absence here? That’s right - any willingness by the OP’s sister to put herself out. Why isn’t she shelling out the extra for a room in that hotel herself if she’s so forlorn at the thought of being separated from her baby for a few hours? Why is it the OP’s room - paid for with the OP’s money - being used for the baby, when SHE is the mother who can’t bear to be without said baby?

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it’s a cow. A selfish cow who thinks everyone should dance to her tune.

Original poster

BluNomad · 09/07/2023 13:05

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 09/07/2023 13:00

Ha! The sister’s ways of “trying to make things work” amount to a) taking the baby to the wedding and presenting it as a fait accompli, with zero thought for how that would affect the cousin she supposedly loves so dearly and b) taking over her sister’s room and turning it into a crèche (presumably with the expectation that the OP will help look after the baby, despite having organised childcare for her own).

What’s conspicuous by its absence here? That’s right - any willingness by the OP’s sister to put herself out. Why isn’t she shelling out the extra for a room in that hotel herself if she’s so forlorn at the thought of being separated from her baby for a few hours? Why is it the OP’s room - paid for with the OP’s money - being used for the baby, when SHE is the mother who can’t bear to be without said baby?

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it’s a cow. A selfish cow who thinks everyone should dance to her tune.

Show quote history

Exactly! She has no qualms or anxiety whatsoever about being separated from dc, I’ve had him overnight on a few occasions so they can go out & so has our DM. I’m honestly starting to think that she just assumed she’d find someone to have him without any forethought that most friends/family we all know would be in attendance or that someone would have to decline because they couldn’t get childcare so she could use them as childminder but that hasn’t happened & actually majority of close friends & family with kids have managed to find childcare which has rather disappointed her.

OP posts:

sandyhappypeople · 09/07/2023 13:06

BluNomad · 09/07/2023 12:33

I’m seeing her later so I have decided I will ask her whether she has sorted childcare yet or sorted some other option. If she mentions using our room then I will just say I presumed she was joking as I know you wouldn’t want to ruin our weekend by using our expensive suite all night as a crèche. I’m definitely not giving her that option but I’m not telling her to f off or anything that confrontational as I would never speak to her like that. Regarding her bringing nephew, she already knows how we feel about that but unless it’s being suggested I physically stop her (god knows how) then that’s impossible & just because I know doesn’t make me complicit in her plan

Good plan OP, as long as you make it clear you won’t facilitate her and she can’t use you’re room that’s all the responsibility you have in this, no argument, no confrontation, just plain facts. if she tries to argue, just say you don’t want to argue and just stay quiet, it takes two people to actually have an argument.

Well done for standing your ground.

swimminginthesun · 09/07/2023 13:11

CleverLilViper · 09/07/2023 12:14

@swimminginthesun It's clear from the OP's posts that her sister has form for this kind of behaviour.

There's no mention of anxiety around leaving her baby or being unable to part. It seems, from OP's posts, that her sister just feels entitled to do whatever she wants regardless of what other people want. She doesn't seem to care about what the bride and groom want or indeed what the OP wants. Just about ensuring she gets everything she wants.

Her sister has choices. Her husband could stay home and tend to the baby if she's nervous about leaving with a sitter or even a relative.

She could sort childcare. Or, if she doesn't want to do that, she can opt to not attend the wedding. Is that ideal? No, but it's a choice she's made and it may even be understandable. Many mothers of young babies make the same choices.

When child-free weddings are held it should always be with the understanding of two things:

Children cannot attend under any circumstances
That may mean some people with kids will have to decline the invitation.

Also, the OP has made it clear why the cousin doesn't want children at the wedding after attending a shit show of a wedding where children attended and ruined it. Of course, that could have been bad luck. However, given the fact that they're family and were both in attendance at that wedding-there's a good likelihood that the parents of the kids will also be attending the cousins wedding-so cousin was smart to exclude kids from her wedding. As she's likely to run into the same kids from the previous wedding!

Just because there has been no mention of anxiety doesn’t mean she isn’t feeling it. We are only getting one side of the story here. It’s weird you feel you know the sister and her motivation so well just from a couple of posts about her! What you have said might be true. Equally what I have said might be true. We don’t know.

I’m not sure why you are arguing with me. I’ve never said I agree with the sister’s behaviour, just offering a possible explanation for it. The post about the previous wedding with kids was after mine so I obviously didn’t know about that. But regardless I said it was the bride and groom’s choice so again, no need to labour the point. But I think it’s understandable if the sister feels upset about it as having her there obviously isn’t that important to them even though they are supposedly close.

As for not caring about what the OP wants. Well we have no idea because the OP hasn’t actually spoken to her about that. 🙄

Original poster

BluNomad · 09/07/2023 13:18

swimminginthesun · 09/07/2023 13:11

Just because there has been no mention of anxiety doesn’t mean she isn’t feeling it. We are only getting one side of the story here. It’s weird you feel you know the sister and her motivation so well just from a couple of posts about her! What you have said might be true. Equally what I have said might be true. We don’t know.

I’m not sure why you are arguing with me. I’ve never said I agree with the sister’s behaviour, just offering a possible explanation for it. The post about the previous wedding with kids was after mine so I obviously didn’t know about that. But regardless I said it was the bride and groom’s choice so again, no need to labour the point. But I think it’s understandable if the sister feels upset about it as having her there obviously isn’t that important to them even though they are supposedly close.

As for not caring about what the OP wants. Well we have no idea because the OP hasn’t actually spoken to her about that. 🙄

Show quote history

I honestly don’t believe my sis has any anxiety about leaving him, she has left him overnight with me & DM prior to attend functions & he was younger then 8 months. Although this is what she is claiming I suspect it’s more to do with fact that she can’t find anyone to have him that she wants to leave him with as they are all attending the wedding

OP posts:

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 09/07/2023 13:31

Just because there has been no mention of anxiety doesn’t mean she isn’t feeling it. We are only getting one side of the story here.

We always only get one side of the story. That’s literally how MN works.

Maybe the sister IS anxious about leaving her baby. It doesn’t change the fact that she has one of two choices - go without the baby or don’t go. Just because it isn’t a choice she likes, it doesn't mean she doesn’t have one.

Fandabedodgy · 09/07/2023 13:34

Do let us know how it goes.

Good luck.

Hollyppp · 09/07/2023 13:35

Absolutely do not get roped into babysitting or giving your room key. Your cousin will think you agree with this bad behaviour. Sister should make her own plans eg her or DH go, not both. or not attend the wedding at all.

she sounds awful!