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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sis & wedding..seriously stressed

156 replies

BluNomad · 08/07/2023 19:44

Sorry long post….Cousin getting married in August, big fancy affair in 5* country hotel, looking forward to it. My DH & I are staying in the hotel the night of the wedding & my sis/bil were also offered first refusal on a room (which were discounted anyway due to wedding party) they declined as they didn’t want to spend that kind of money on a room they’d barely spend any time in..fair enough so they are staying in a hotel a few miles from venue. Now the wedding is child free, clearly stated on invites plus my sis & I knew this prior to invites going out as we are close with our cousin & she has regularly discussed the arrangements with us. DH & I have one DC who is going to my ils for weekend of the wedding. My sis & bil have a one dc 8 months who they have now decided cannot possibly spend the night away from them so my sis mentioned few weeks ago that she’s just going to bring dc & as we’re close to cousin she won’t mind but she’s not going to tell her. DH & I said of course you cannot just turn up with dc that’s extremely rude given you accepted the no child invite, she basically said she doesn’t care & that’s what’s happening. DH said he is going to tell cousin unless they do, so she did & cousin said (in nicest possible way) absolutely not. Now sis is saying she’s bringing dc but they can just use our suite at the venue to take turns looking after dc but I know that dc will end up asleep & either we’ll have him with us overnight or my sis or bil will fall asleep in the room & will end up in our suite for the night plus I don’t want anyone in our room, it will be a mess if they’re using it & nephew will end up in our bed. I’m seriously dreading the whole wedding now as what I was expecting to be a lovely weekend with our family & friends plus bonus of us spending a night in a luxury suite with my dh is being hijacked by my sis & bil. I haven’t mentioned it to my dh yet as he’ll be furious & I’ll rather handle it with my sis before hand but I don’t know how to & it’s massively stressing me. Just to point out my sis is extremely entitled & doesn’t take no well & I don’t want to fall out with her & it be frosty at the wedding I want us to all enjoy the day together. AIBU just say no & deal/ignore her strop which I’m expecting will be inevitable

OP posts:
Totaly · 09/07/2023 13:40

Well you did involve yourself!

You should’ve kept quiet and so should your DH! It had nothing to do with you and now you’ve created further drama where she thinks you’ll babysit and give up your room.

No good deed goes unpunished

Original poster
BluNomad · 09/07/2023 13:42

Hollyppp · 09/07/2023 13:35

Absolutely do not get roped into babysitting or giving your room key. Your cousin will think you agree with this bad behaviour. Sister should make her own plans eg her or DH go, not both. or not attend the wedding at all.

she sounds awful!

No I won’t, I’ve probably (obviously) made her sound horrendous, I was frustrated so that has come across but she does have good points! She is just doesn’t have any understanding (or doesn’t give a shit) how her decisions or actions negatively impact on those around her. For example if she is late to meet me as she often is she doesn’t understand how it’s a problem as she obviously had things to do that were important but if I am late then I’m insensitive & selfish as she had things to do & can’t hang around waiting or if she is babysitting our dc (which is rare tbh) & I say I’ll drop her off at 6pm then that’s too early so it has to be 7pm & I can’t pick her up any later than 9am. These things aren’t often but when they happen it infuriates me.

OP posts:
swimminginthesun · 09/07/2023 14:02

BluNomad · 09/07/2023 13:18

I honestly don’t believe my sis has any anxiety about leaving him, she has left him overnight with me & DM prior to attend functions & he was younger then 8 months. Although this is what she is claiming I suspect it’s more to do with fact that she can’t find anyone to have him that she wants to leave him with as they are all attending the wedding

Show quote history

Well not having anyone to leave him with is quite a major issue! Although if she is happy to leave him this does open up the possibility of her attending and her husband staying home with the baby. I think this may be their best/only option if they don’t have anyone else to leave him with. Lots of people suggesting using a sitter but that’s quite different to leaving baby with relatives that he knows well.

swimminginthesun · 09/07/2023 14:16

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 09/07/2023 13:31

Just because there has been no mention of anxiety doesn’t mean she isn’t feeling it. We are only getting one side of the story here.

We always only get one side of the story. That’s literally how MN works.

Maybe the sister IS anxious about leaving her baby. It doesn’t change the fact that she has one of two choices - go without the baby or don’t go. Just because it isn’t a choice she likes, it doesn't mean she doesn’t have one.

Congrats on your understanding of mumsnet! 🥳😂

Once again, I am not excusing the sister’s behaviour. I am offering a possible explanation. I feel sympathy towards her as it’s a shame she and/or her husband will likely be excluded from her cousin’s wedding. I think it’s ok for her to be upset about this and to try to find a way around it even if those options are ultimately not possible. I am aware of the choices she has but thanks for repeating them again.

Clarich007 · 09/07/2023 14:16

Good luck OP with your conversation with your sister today.
Be prepared she may act all innocent when you tell her she can't use your hotel room. "But it's only for a few hours, we are taking the baby back to our hotel for the night. It won't affect your night'.. Etc. Hope it works out.

Original poster
BluNomad · 09/07/2023 14:22

Clarich007 · 09/07/2023 14:16

Good luck OP with your conversation with your sister today.
Be prepared she may act all innocent when you tell her she can't use your hotel room. "But it's only for a few hours, we are taking the baby back to our hotel for the night. It won't affect your night'.. Etc. Hope it works out.

Thank you, I’m off to see her at 3:30 so hopefully it will go well, otherwise will have to tell my DH to bring out the big guns..(joking before anyone comments otherwise).

OP posts:
Daffodil92 · 09/07/2023 17:13

How’d it go op?

Original poster
BluNomad · 09/07/2023 20:41

So if anyone is interested I told her I thought she was joking & she said no she wasn’t, I told her no it’s not for her to use & we want it for ourselves. Slightly humpy but overall got it. Her plan now is to ask her mil (who lives in the north so quite a few miles) to come to hers for weekend & babysit.

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 09/07/2023 20:45

BluNomad · 09/07/2023 20:41

So if anyone is interested I told her I thought she was joking & she said no she wasn’t, I told her no it’s not for her to use & we want it for ourselves. Slightly humpy but overall got it. Her plan now is to ask her mil (who lives in the north so quite a few miles) to come to hers for weekend & babysit.

Well done, that’s a good result.

sandyhappypeople · 09/07/2023 20:49

BluNomad · 09/07/2023 20:41

So if anyone is interested I told her I thought she was joking & she said no she wasn’t, I told her no it’s not for her to use & we want it for ourselves. Slightly humpy but overall got it. Her plan now is to ask her mil (who lives in the north so quite a few miles) to come to hers for weekend & babysit.

That's great, well done OP! For someone who doesn't like confrontation, you handled that really well!

Your cousin will no doubt appreciate it and hopefully you'll all get to remain close afterwards now.

Callyem · 09/07/2023 20:53

Well done! Glad she got where you were coming from x

Ellie1015 · 09/07/2023 20:54

Perfect result, well done OP!

Hollyppp · 09/07/2023 21:00

yes!! Good result!

Likewhatever · 09/07/2023 21:09

Thanks for coming back and updating, OP. Sounds like you handled it perfectly!

Original poster
BluNomad · 09/07/2023 22:12

Thanks all for your advice, it’s been interesting, yes I needed to pull up my big girl pant’s & it’s made me feel better. Thanks again all xx

OP posts:
azlazee1 · 09/07/2023 22:20

"If you make yourself a doormat, people will walk all over you."
This is what you're sister is doing to you. One thing I learned for myself, the world doesn't end if you say no. Changed my life really. Once I said the first no to something it became easier. Call her, tell her she can't use your room, sorry. Don't engage in another discussion. She's making this into a problem for you when the problem is hers to solve. Enjoy the wedding!

RampantIvy · 09/07/2023 22:29

@azlazee1 read the last update.

jeaux90 · 10/07/2023 07:50

Well done OP.

MysteryBelle · 10/07/2023 18:25

Your sister has no right to use your hotel room. Presumably she wants to in order to be inside the venue instead of her hotel as she originally planned before bringing baby. So, she will just have to either miss out on part of the celebrations and stay in hotel down the road with baby or her husband will (if I’ve understood the circumstances correctly).

That said, I understand why she tried to make it childfree to comply with bride’s requirements but then felt compelled to being baby with her. The baby is still very young. Sometimes a mother needs to being her baby along. I think the bride in this situation is being unnecessarily rigid. I think your husband meddled threatening to tattletale. The baby matters. Even in a relative’s wedding. It shows what kind of people you all are that your sister was afraid to ask the bride if she can bring young baby to the vicinity of the wedding. It’s not like she is trying to bring baby to actual ceremony.

It seems to me that all of you are being intentionally harsh to your sister who is dealing with a baby right now. Of course it’s not the same for you, your children are older, much easier to comply with childfree dictate. Unkindness never reflects well on anyone.

MysteryBelle · 10/07/2023 18:28

I do agree with you that you told her no about using your hotel room, she should not be trying to use you for babysitting and should have thought ahead. Glad it’s worked out to your satisfaction.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 10/07/2023 18:59

Sometimes a mother needs to being her baby along. I think the bride in this situation is being unnecessarily rigid. I think your husband meddled threatening to tattletale. The baby matters. Even in a relative’s wedding. It shows what kind of people you all are that your sister was afraid to ask the bride if she can bring young baby to the vicinity of the wedding.

Have you heard yourself?! The sister wasn’t “afraid” to ask at all - she simply wasn’t going to. Her plan was to bring the baby and hope the bride and groom didn’t kick up a fuss, even though she was flying directly in the face of what they wanted. OP’s husband wasn’t a “tattle tale” - it’s not a bloody school playground. He simply made sure the bride and groom - you know, the ones who are actually supposed to matter at a wedding - weren’t completely blindsided on the day, and frankly, he did his SIL a big favour. It would never have been forgiven.

IamfeelingHopeful · 10/07/2023 19:02

Tell her your hubby has asked if you could plan to go up for a quickie during the event to get maximum use and there is no way you are telling him that is not going to happen because of her.

MysteryBelle · 10/07/2023 19:22

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 10/07/2023 18:59

Sometimes a mother needs to being her baby along. I think the bride in this situation is being unnecessarily rigid. I think your husband meddled threatening to tattletale. The baby matters. Even in a relative’s wedding. It shows what kind of people you all are that your sister was afraid to ask the bride if she can bring young baby to the vicinity of the wedding.

Have you heard yourself?! The sister wasn’t “afraid” to ask at all - she simply wasn’t going to. Her plan was to bring the baby and hope the bride and groom didn’t kick up a fuss, even though she was flying directly in the face of what they wanted. OP’s husband wasn’t a “tattle tale” - it’s not a bloody school playground. He simply made sure the bride and groom - you know, the ones who are actually supposed to matter at a wedding - weren’t completely blindsided on the day, and frankly, he did his SIL a big favour. It would never have been forgiven.

I think you’re being too harsh on the mom with the baby. And it is the meddler who stuck his nose in where it doesn’t belong who is acting like a schoolyard tattletale. He and the op obviously very much disliked her sister already. You left out the rest of my comments where I agreed with op that absolutely it is wrong for the sister to try to use her hotel suite or for babysitting. And I said I was glad op worked it out and told sister no to using her room. I still believe the bride is being too rigid and that is the crux of it, I think. The sister tried to comply with cousin’s rules but felt she had to being baby along. The op claiming that her sister doesn’t care about the baby’s wellbeing and is doing this for some inexplicable ulterior motive rings false to me.

Original poster
BluNomad · 10/07/2023 19:33

MysteryBelle · 10/07/2023 19:22

I think you’re being too harsh on the mom with the baby. And it is the meddler who stuck his nose in where it doesn’t belong who is acting like a schoolyard tattletale. He and the op obviously very much disliked her sister already. You left out the rest of my comments where I agreed with op that absolutely it is wrong for the sister to try to use her hotel suite or for babysitting. And I said I was glad op worked it out and told sister no to using her room. I still believe the bride is being too rigid and that is the crux of it, I think. The sister tried to comply with cousin’s rules but felt she had to being baby along. The op claiming that her sister doesn’t care about the baby’s wellbeing and is doing this for some inexplicable ulterior motive rings false to me.

Show quote history

Mum not mom..meddler!! Brilliant

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 10/07/2023 19:48

BluNomad · 10/07/2023 19:33

Mum not mom..meddler!! Brilliant

Show quote history

The difference is you asked for MN’s opinions. I belong here, I have an account, and you asked for opinions. Are you saying I’m not welcome here because of where I’m from?

The other difference is I’m not a tattletale like your husband.