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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sis & wedding..seriously stressed

156 replies

BluNomad · 08/07/2023 19:44

Sorry long post….Cousin getting married in August, big fancy affair in 5* country hotel, looking forward to it. My DH & I are staying in the hotel the night of the wedding & my sis/bil were also offered first refusal on a room (which were discounted anyway due to wedding party) they declined as they didn’t want to spend that kind of money on a room they’d barely spend any time in..fair enough so they are staying in a hotel a few miles from venue. Now the wedding is child free, clearly stated on invites plus my sis & I knew this prior to invites going out as we are close with our cousin & she has regularly discussed the arrangements with us. DH & I have one DC who is going to my ils for weekend of the wedding. My sis & bil have a one dc 8 months who they have now decided cannot possibly spend the night away from them so my sis mentioned few weeks ago that she’s just going to bring dc & as we’re close to cousin she won’t mind but she’s not going to tell her. DH & I said of course you cannot just turn up with dc that’s extremely rude given you accepted the no child invite, she basically said she doesn’t care & that’s what’s happening. DH said he is going to tell cousin unless they do, so she did & cousin said (in nicest possible way) absolutely not. Now sis is saying she’s bringing dc but they can just use our suite at the venue to take turns looking after dc but I know that dc will end up asleep & either we’ll have him with us overnight or my sis or bil will fall asleep in the room & will end up in our suite for the night plus I don’t want anyone in our room, it will be a mess if they’re using it & nephew will end up in our bed. I’m seriously dreading the whole wedding now as what I was expecting to be a lovely weekend with our family & friends plus bonus of us spending a night in a luxury suite with my dh is being hijacked by my sis & bil. I haven’t mentioned it to my dh yet as he’ll be furious & I’ll rather handle it with my sis before hand but I don’t know how to & it’s massively stressing me. Just to point out my sis is extremely entitled & doesn’t take no well & I don’t want to fall out with her & it be frosty at the wedding I want us to all enjoy the day together. AIBU just say no & deal/ignore her strop which I’m expecting will be inevitable

OP posts:
Countdown2023 · 08/07/2023 20:56

use @Mouthfulofquiz message.

just say no can do

Bluebells1970 · 08/07/2023 20:59

Don't say a word. But on the day of the wedding when you check in, express to reception staff that no one is to be given access to your room whether they are family members or not. Keep the key card on you at all times, and ignore her demands. "We are having a child free day and night". And repeat. You don't need to fall out or have any drama over it, just refuse to engage.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 08/07/2023 20:59

Sorry sis, it’s a no. DH & I plan to do some serious uninterrupted shagging. You’ll have to find another option.

FictionalCharacter · 08/07/2023 21:01

BluNomad · 08/07/2023 20:49

I appreciate the just tell her comments but I don’t speak to my sis in an aggressive or confrontational way & am not about to start. I will just tell her she can’t use our room because we want to use it ourselves during the course of the evening & won’t be able to if our Nephew is in there sleeping, so coming from a practical angle

There wouldn’t be any need to be aggressive. But you will need to be firm. If you just give her reasons, she’ll try to get round them.
TBH I bet the hotel wouldn’t be pleased at another couple and their child using your room. Rooms are for the use of the people named on the booking, and you’ve booked for two, not for five adults and a child all in your room.

standardduck · 08/07/2023 21:01

Jesus, no wonder she is so entitled if your whole family enables her.

It's not aggressive to have boundaries and to say no to someone.

Don't let her ruin your cousins wedding by enabling her.

Say no, it won't work for us and make sure the hotel stuff knows not to give her a key. She sounds someone who will try to find a way around you. Horrible behaviour.

SBHon · 08/07/2023 21:03

I will just tell her she can’t use our room because we want to use it ourselves during the course of the evening & won’t be able to if our Nephew is in there sleeping
She was going to secretly last minute go against your cousin’s wishes, what makes you think she won’t do the same to you and put nephew in your room anyway?

If you go with this approach that’s what you risk.

RampantIvy · 08/07/2023 21:05

She was going to secretly last minute go against your cousin’s wishes, what makes you think she won’t do the same to you and put nephew in your room anyway?

She can't without a key.

FictionalCharacter · 08/07/2023 21:06

standardduck · 08/07/2023 21:01

Jesus, no wonder she is so entitled if your whole family enables her.

It's not aggressive to have boundaries and to say no to someone.

Don't let her ruin your cousins wedding by enabling her.

Say no, it won't work for us and make sure the hotel stuff knows not to give her a key. She sounds someone who will try to find a way around you. Horrible behaviour.

I can imagine her going to reception looking all sad, saying her baby desperately needs a sleep and her sister has kindly agreed to let her use the room for an hour. Then she and BIL will commandeer the room for as long as they want for naps, showers, getting changed etc, in between guilt tripping OP into babysitting in her own room.

Turnthelightoff · 08/07/2023 21:08

You usually can’t check in until the afternoon anyway. So you turn up the the wedding ready and bring your stuff to check in at a relevant interval in the day normally so you could just point out that practicality, there will be no room until at least 4.30pm and you may be forced to make that later to ensure your room remains yours only.

Thosepeskyseagulls · 08/07/2023 21:08

Tell her she can buy the room from you if she wants to use it?

Walkacrossthesand · 08/07/2023 21:10

@FictionalCharacter indeed - so important to prime the hotel reception, ensure the booking is clearly marked 'access to <you and DH> only at all times, no other family members'. This kind of person is used to getting their own way and persisting until they do. A password (Notting hill style) would be excellent.

SauvignonBlanche · 08/07/2023 21:21

She needs telling ASAP that this isn’t on.

sandyhappypeople · 08/07/2023 21:22

Now sis is saying she’s bringing dc but they can just use our suite at the venue to take turns looking after dc

How did she express this, via text or in person, what were her exact words? I'm really close with my sister, but she (nor I) would NEVER presume I'd be okay with this without asking. If your sister has TOLD you rather than ASKED you then it's perfectly reasonable for you to TELL her it's not happening. Tell her via text if you must.

Wouldn't you rather get this out the way now rather than not stop your sister potentially ruining the actual day for your cousin?

Bitterballen · 08/07/2023 21:23

Jeez, your poor cousin. Honestly, you and your mum are focusing on the hotel room issue but the bigger issue is the poor bride and groom potentially faced with the enormously difficult situation on their wedding day of an extra unwanted guest!

Someone (your parents?) needs to get them to see sense, what they are planning is awful. Is your BIL more amenable? I can't see how this doesn't end in a family rift if she goes ahead. To which of your parents is your cousin the niece to? I think the brother/sister generation above you need to step in to save B&G from this stress.

She sounds horrendous.

MumblesParty · 08/07/2023 21:25

Does your cousin know of this plan? Is she OK with it?

diddl · 08/07/2023 21:25

So on the day when she's there with her kid are you likely to be pressured into letting her use the room to keep the peace/stop a scene/let her tired child rest?

SBHon · 08/07/2023 21:36

RampantIvy · 08/07/2023 21:05

She was going to secretly last minute go against your cousin’s wishes, what makes you think she won’t do the same to you and put nephew in your room anyway?

She can't without a key.

Yes but she can guilt/strop her way into a scene about it without a key.

Royalbloo · 08/07/2023 21:40

"Where we are staying is nothing to do with you. Sort out your own childcare or ask the bride."

Done - no lies - no drama - not your issue. And refuse to tell them where you are staying and don't give up your key card.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. Back away asap!

Blossomtoes · 08/07/2023 21:44

Bitterballen · 08/07/2023 21:23

Jeez, your poor cousin. Honestly, you and your mum are focusing on the hotel room issue but the bigger issue is the poor bride and groom potentially faced with the enormously difficult situation on their wedding day of an extra unwanted guest!

Someone (your parents?) needs to get them to see sense, what they are planning is awful. Is your BIL more amenable? I can't see how this doesn't end in a family rift if she goes ahead. To which of your parents is your cousin the niece to? I think the brother/sister generation above you need to step in to save B&G from this stress.

She sounds horrendous.

This is the most sense on the whole thread. I feel really sorry for you @BluNomad but even more so for the poor bride and groom. Some people just don’t seem to understand “No”.

Thundercats77 · 08/07/2023 21:47

Kind of thing my sister would do. Not ask is it OK it's a oh we will JUST take it in turns. JUST implying it's a minor thing.. I know you don't like to rock the boat with her. Just get DH to say no as you've mentioned. Its their problem not yours. They could have left their child behind or not go to the wedding. You want to be child free and not have to be inconvenienced by your nephew.
So selfish of her! Also phone the hotel and find out if there are any more rooms available. If so let her know she can pay for her own

azlazee1 · 08/07/2023 21:51

Whether she takes no for an answer or not, tell her no and mean it. Do not waiver, do not give in if she brings the child. She is creating a situation and will have to deal with the consequences. Maybe you should tell DH now, it may give you the strength to stay firm.

ikno · 08/07/2023 21:54

How can she get in the room if you don’t give her a key or open the door? How would she even know which room you’re in? You can just say no to her and she wouldn’t be able to force her way in. She might be frosty but oh well

Callyem · 08/07/2023 21:55

If you don't make yourself crystal clear now, you will have to deal with a far more unpleasant form of confrontation when she tries to guilt you on the day.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/07/2023 21:57

Just say “Sorry, no that won’t work for us”.

And keep repeating offering no more explanation or reason. (She will try to use any reason against you). If she complains or otherwise starts moaning about the situation just nod and say “yeah that’s a tough situation“

LittleOwl153 · 08/07/2023 21:59

I'd tell you DH and your cousin. Then I'd tell you sister that your room will not be available to them.

I'd also ask your cousin if it doesn't mess up the seating plan, could you be sat well away from your sister!