How bad a parent do I look now to school/Headteacher?

[TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow]

DD is 9, Y4. Has SN and a medical condition. She has come a long way in the 5 years she’s been at Primary School.

Today she had a choir concert with school. She was anxious about it but so excited, she was singing for the whole town.

Its her dad’s weekend to have her, and I told him about the concert on an email, what time I had to drop her off, what time she was singing and then when and where to meet me to collect – School don’t know ExH as he never picks up from school, ever. I then sent him another text with the same information on this morning.

ExH didn’t turn up. He does this a lot, doesn’t turn up for stuff if he can’t be bothered – so far this year he’s missed Sports Day, a girlguiding event where she was flag bearer, her Brownies Christmas Carol Concert and her school choirs easter church service. All things she really wanted him there for but then he also always blames me saying I didn’t tell him or he didn’t know when it was despite being on schools emailing list for letters and newsletters and me letting him know.

Towards the end of her singing bit, I could see her getting upset and she didn’t manage to do her solo she’d built up to and was excited for.

When I went to collect her, she started shouting and screaming at me that I hadn’t told Dad when and where it was or he’d be there and now she hates me. She then started hitting me. Headteacher and head of KS2 (who’s also the choir lead) both walked over to us, HT bent down and put her hands on DDs shoulders (not roughly) and bluntly said “It’s ok to be upset but while you are wearing school uniform, I will not allow you to hit anyone”, DD then started crying probably thinking she was in trouble and panicking then started shouting again that it wasn’t fair as I should have told Dad to be there. HOKS2 took her off for a calm down and HT told me to give them a few minutes – which I did.

ExH then turns up, a full 30 minutes after she’d finished singing, walked straight up to DD and the HOKS2 and claimed he didn’t know when it was, he wasn’t told. HT confirmed with me he was her dad and then they let ExH take DD off to his for the weekend.

She is never like that at school. She gets a bit giggly when she’s nervous, and can be cheeky to staff but I’ve been told it’s typical 9year old behaviour and “of no great concern”. I feel awful, I had told her dad when it was and like I said he is on the schools mailing list, so he will have received exactly the same emails as me about it.

She’s text me since getting to her dads to say she knows I didn’t tell him and she hates me.

I feel like the worst mum in the world, because I couldn’t make ExH be there when he should be. And then DD blamed me for it even though I have tried to let him know.

I’m also ashamed she started hitting me in front of her headteacher and worried they now think I’m the awful RP who never lets the NRP know when and where something is happening.

In future let her see you text her Dad and see you send it so she knows you've told him. Sadly she already knows she can't rely on him and she's afraid to be angry with him incase he won't see her again. Take comfort from knowing you're a good DM, she'll work out that he's a shit DF in her own time

I don’t think personally there is anything to be gained by dragging your child into this mess.
I would simply email him and say based on the fact he has wilfully manipulated your attempts to be an organised and respectful co parent that from now on as someone who has PR and equal rights to be informed by the school that it falls to them and him to liaise directly regarding these matters. You are not going to be.

you don’t need to bow and scrape to him, your child , the school or anyone in this context. never be the messenger again. He has shown you clearly what happens

Well I am very glad he is your ex. What a piece of work. Like others have said i would show the school your correspondence. And show your DD what you think is appropriate. She will come around and she will get the measure of your ex in time.

I would then speak to your ex and explain that doing this, by missing events, turning up late etc is having a detrimental effect on your child.

How on earth can any parent not know this? If they don't, they should never have had children.

It's sad to see how many women think they are their male partner's secretaries/emotional support human. You are really not. Don't pander to the weaponised incompetence.

I have drafted an email to school, but won't send it yet until I've seen DD tomorrow.

I've sent her my usual goodnight and love you message, will chat to her about the "I hate you" and hitting once she's home tomorrow

At 9 years old I wouldn't screenshot anything upsetting and send messages while she is with her dad. Just text "love you goodnight/see you tomorrow" When she's home, show her your emails from the school about the concert and explain that you thought her dad would have got the same emails.

If it's really bothering you, you could send an email apologising for the drama and say something like "dd has a complicated relationship with her dad" and teachers will be able to read between the lines.

How awful for you- and her.
Next thing that he is invited to, either write the email, get your DD to read it, check the email address and press the send button (or watch you press the send button)
Or if she has a phone and is able to text, she texts her dad with the details herself, from her phone.

You're very very patient, clearly a responsible Mum putting your kid first.
IMO it is emotional neglect and he's having no problems damaging her relationship with you in the process - the primary carer. He doesn't seem to care?
He sucks and though it is a loss for her in many ways she will grow up to know you're the stable and reliable one. In the end it will all be alright. I'm told that I did a lot of lashing out when my parents separated but i don't remember it now and I was around her age... All I remember is that my Mum was ALWAYS there. Don't worry much. Just must be painful to watch but be patient. Xx

What a horrible piece of work and so unfair for you. In future, you need dyo make sure you tell her and show her that you've sent him the information in advance so she knows before hand. She'll see the real him eventually.

I decided to send the email, but altered it to say I will be chatting to DD tomorrow when she's home.

SENCo has already replied (she always did reply to emails at strange days/times - she usually replies to my emails so I wonder if mine go straight to her and then she passes it on), she's going to pass it on to class teacher and HOKS2/Choir Lead but they will not talk to DD about it until I have told them I've discussed it.

If it's his weekend why wasn't she with him for him to take to the concert?

@diddl Because we agreed I'd take her to the concert and he'd pick her up from me after watching her.

I have texts where I offered for him to have her as usual and take her to the concert, and he replies "No it's ok you take her and I'll have her after watching her".

Yeah I’d do something like this. Maybe thank them for their help calming your dd down.

this is on your ex. What a prick. I’d be inclined to show dd the messages too.

Show her what was sent then in future email him then get your/his daughter to follow up with a text asking did he read email n will be there as for the school dont worry prob seen fathers like this before n know the truth

Why was it even raised though?

I mean is there any discussion about him taking her to things that fall on your weekend & you picking her up after?

At her age I would be sitting down with her whilst sending the texts and emails so she can see you doing it.

@diddl Because it's part of being in the choir, they have to attend these weekend events. Of course he doesn't have her outside of his contact.

My ex husband is like this. I completely stopped communicating these events to him as he let my son down one time too many and it caused so much upset, He gets the same emails as you, it's up to him to read them and attend or not. Stop taking responsibility for him being a good parent, that's on him.

After the last straw I told my ex I was done with trying to make him be the dad my son needed and it was all on him from this point on. For a short time he made an effort but a few years later he rarely attends any special events but they do have an ok relationship and see each other every week. There's just no involvement in my sons everyday life which is sad but it's up to him not me. I don't make excuses for him I'm just really matter of fact with my son that his dad gets the same information I do and now a few years on he doesn't even ask if his dad is coming to things (he's now 10). Sad but you just cannot make people be good parents.

He is a total ass. This is not your fault.

I would suggest you send hard copies with dd in future and tell her to give them to her dad as they are details of xyz she would like him at.

I'd also get ex on phone if you can stomach it, on speaker phone with dd and verbally tell him infront of her.

On a separate note you aren't even his partner let alone his pa he is on the mailing list and gets told things the same way you do

This is hard because you’re getting the brunt of the anger but children usually lash out at the person they feel the safest with. She knows that no matter what she does you won’t leave her. She probably knows deep down that her dad is shit but if she pushed him the way she pushes you, to her, he might leave her.

School will understand, they deal with separation all the time but I would talk to them. We don’t want to know details of personal lives but it is useful to know the basics!

Start phoning him instead, with dd and let dd tell him herself she then knows he has been told and will soon realise that's its him not you.
I'd also give his email address to the school so they can send him copy's off newsletters/dates etc.

I would email the school and apologise for dd’s outburst and explain ex h ha£ been sent the full timings in addition to being on the school mailing list

i would share the messages with dd so she is aware of what he knew

However (and I only have your messages to go on), the following message does just read as if you expected him just to be there at pick up. - I.e where to meet to collect.

‘Its her dad’s weekend to have her, and I told him about the concert on an email, what time I had to drop her off, what time she was singing and then when and where to meet me to collect’

This is clearly important to your dd so I would be using this as opportunity to discuss with ex that he can now surely see how much it means to her to have him there, you are sharing all of the information with him and so do the school so he needs to do his absolute best to attend as much as he can for her sake and if not prep her for him not being there so it’s not a big disappointment to her during the event to cause outbursts such as this.

I would NOT alert him that DD has read the emails/texts. Let him explain it when he once again disappoints her.

@TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow This is narcissistic behaviour from your ExH...he is playing a game and you need to let your daughter see this in the gentlest way possible. I went through hell with my ex using my children as pawns and felt major unwarranted guilt because he was such a good liar. I'm thankful to say that we're rid of him nearly 4 years now after a traumatic court case and a guilty verdict slapped on him for assaulting my kids.
Please keep in mind that the truth always comes out in the wash, your daughter is only getting older and will see for herself with time ( if she can't already ) who's slacking and who's not. Your girl may only be 9 but I think you should show her the messages you sent to her dad informing him of upcoming events - you have the proof to shoot him down. I would contact the school and ask to speak to the headteacher - tell her you're upset regarding what happened, explain the situation and ask her if she could check that ExH is on the mailing list. Most importantly though - be kind to yourself x