How bad a parent do I look now to school/Headteacher?

[TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow]

DD is 9, Y4. Has SN and a medical condition. She has come a long way in the 5 years she’s been at Primary School.

Today she had a choir concert with school. She was anxious about it but so excited, she was singing for the whole town.

Its her dad’s weekend to have her, and I told him about the concert on an email, what time I had to drop her off, what time she was singing and then when and where to meet me to collect – School don’t know ExH as he never picks up from school, ever. I then sent him another text with the same information on this morning.

ExH didn’t turn up. He does this a lot, doesn’t turn up for stuff if he can’t be bothered – so far this year he’s missed Sports Day, a girlguiding event where she was flag bearer, her Brownies Christmas Carol Concert and her school choirs easter church service. All things she really wanted him there for but then he also always blames me saying I didn’t tell him or he didn’t know when it was despite being on schools emailing list for letters and newsletters and me letting him know.

Towards the end of her singing bit, I could see her getting upset and she didn’t manage to do her solo she’d built up to and was excited for.

When I went to collect her, she started shouting and screaming at me that I hadn’t told Dad when and where it was or he’d be there and now she hates me. She then started hitting me. Headteacher and head of KS2 (who’s also the choir lead) both walked over to us, HT bent down and put her hands on DDs shoulders (not roughly) and bluntly said “It’s ok to be upset but while you are wearing school uniform, I will not allow you to hit anyone”, DD then started crying probably thinking she was in trouble and panicking then started shouting again that it wasn’t fair as I should have told Dad to be there. HOKS2 took her off for a calm down and HT told me to give them a few minutes – which I did.

ExH then turns up, a full 30 minutes after she’d finished singing, walked straight up to DD and the HOKS2 and claimed he didn’t know when it was, he wasn’t told. HT confirmed with me he was her dad and then they let ExH take DD off to his for the weekend.

She is never like that at school. She gets a bit giggly when she’s nervous, and can be cheeky to staff but I’ve been told it’s typical 9year old behaviour and “of no great concern”. I feel awful, I had told her dad when it was and like I said he is on the schools mailing list, so he will have received exactly the same emails as me about it.

She’s text me since getting to her dads to say she knows I didn’t tell him and she hates me.

I feel like the worst mum in the world, because I couldn’t make ExH be there when he should be. And then DD blamed me for it even though I have tried to let him know.

I’m also ashamed she started hitting me in front of her headteacher and worried they now think I’m the awful RP who never lets the NRP know when and where something is happening.

Agreed. The uniform comment was to make it clear she was still under school rules and the teacher was being supportive as she probably understands that children often offload their frustrations onto their mums and she needed a boundary from someone different.

Next time there’s an event, write an email advising him of it. Ask your daughter to check the email so she knows what you have said and include ‘ D has read and is happy for me to send this email’ and then send it. Don’t make a big fuss, just a quick ‘are you ok with me sending this.’ She will see through him soon enough.

I’m sure they won’t think you’re a bad parent. But I might be tempted to send them, and him, a screenshot of the messages you sent him. And your daughter, to be honest. It’s not acceptable to tell you that she hates you. Her father is lying.

Screenshot the text and email and send them.

I usually ALWAYS say you should never through the NRP under the bus however shite they are but in this instance and yours DDs age and her public outbursts I would.

Simply "Hi DD. I understand you are cross about daddy not turning up and are blaming me. Thought I'd just show you the email and text and also tell you daddy gets all the same school letters I do. I'm so sorry you were upset by him not turning up but you are old enough now to know the truth so you can blame the right person. Love you and look forward to seeing you tomorrow."

I'd also send an email to the HT and KS lead. Just s simple apology for the scene and explain that you are informing her dad but that he's not turning up to events and you are trying to work with DD on this. Ask them if they have someone in school that can support your dd through these emotions.

You have done nothing nothing nothing wrong! Good advice above on emailing and then try to turn your unreasonable thinking about because firstly you did nothing wrong but also you couldn’t have done anything differently. At some stage in the future (not this weekend), you need to have a non heated discussion with ex and let him know he is messing with his daughter’s life x take care of yourself x

That's actually amazing advice. Your dd will then sit and watch you send it and know it's gone.

I'd be tempted to miss off the bit about her watching it go though or he may turn up next time and convince her that's because this time he knew.

If you hadn't told him, he wouldn't have been there. Albeit late. So 🤷

I haven't RTFT it will be very obvious to anyone with half a brain what's actually going on there.

You have no need to worry.

It was relevant due to the HT's relationship with OP's child.
Many schools have a fairly strict rule about always presenting yourself in certain ways in uniform outside of school - all about representing the school's reputation, etc. This is a message many schools put over to their pupils from the start.

It was also a tactic the HT could use to help the OP's child to have a 'reason' to stop and calm.

And it worked, regardless.

It’a not your responsibility to chase him he is a parent too!

I would inform the school of the situation in general at home so they can understand any challenging behaviour and support your daughter.

I would also show her the proof when she’s home. It’s very difficult as she will have to process the fact that her Dad lied to her.

My ex has similar form I use to be the middle person regarding parties just so the children could attend on his weekends. Even then he often wouldn’t bother and I’ve stopped holding his hand. My children always ask what weekend it is when they’re invited to a party because they know I will always make the effort to take them.

I agree that HappyAsLarryNot's advice about having your DD check future emails and confirm they have gone is a very good one. Also make sure you add a 'delivered' and 'read' reciepts as requirements so you know he has recieved them and whether or not he bothers to open and read them.

Yeah, This. Screenshots on text now and explain that sometimes people bend the truth to make themselves feel better, but you absolutely wouldn’t ever deprive her of the opportunity to have someone see her perform etc etc.

No I didn’t. I made one single comment and then replied to other people who kept quoting me. Hardly going on about it.

Read the comments. You’re repeating others and my responses to them apply.

That is so sad for DD, and you.
Next event. Text, and also email the details in Bold, and ‘ cc ‘ the email, to someone in authority at the school, so he can’t say he wasn’t told.

I hope Dd soon works out her dad is the problem.

Actions speak louder than words. Your school will see you are the reliable parent and I'm sure that they have your back.

In future do not message your Ex with details of events without your DD “helping”. Let her word the message or do it as a discussion so she can see all the different methods of communication you have used and all the effort it has taken you. She is old enough now to be involved so the next time he behaves this way she can stand up herself and remind him that he was told - and she helped do it

Im sorry you’re having these hassles with your ex. When you’ve checked that he receives all the same information that you do from the school, you can probably stop messaging him to remind him. It isn’t fair that you’re expected to keep him right, especially as it seems to be serving his narcissistic tendencies and agenda of parent alienation. It might be worth having a word with Women’s Aid because there are probably other worrying aspects to his behaviour that you haven’t noticed or realised yet. It took years for me to realise what was going on, it’s just so insidious.

could you call him to make these arrangements on loudspeaker with your daughter on the call in future. Let them both know that in future all arrangements like this one will be done as a group so that there is no missunderstandings! Aka your ex can’t pretend he didn’t know. Also you won’t have to break your daughters heart as she will automatically know that her dad knew the times ect.

He definitely knew about today and I'm sure DD will know that.

She usually goes to his every other weekend for 2 nights Friday to Sunday so he not only agreed for her to be in todays concert he also had her less time to accomodate it, and this was agreed between us. I'm 99% convinced that I also said to him 2 weeks ago "Next time you have her is XX concert in town"

I would miss the end part off about dd knowing too

1. Don't worry about the school. They've seen this a million times and worse. They will also know that the dad is on the mailing list and that he was sent the communication.

1. Your daughter. She's not stupid. She knows or at least suspect and that will cause a lot of hurt and anger. She's directing that at you because she can't direct it at him. She's probably already feeling insecure and rejected she can't afford to push him away even further or have it confirmed that he can't be bothered.

If you show her the text she will have that confirmation, however , you need to consider how it will affect her. To see in black and white that he lies AND doesn't care. I would talk to her and tell you understand she was disappointed and hurt, but she can't talk to you like that or hurt her. That you love her and always will. Then remind her that you never lie and that you did let dad know but maybe he didn't see the message or misunderstood it. Yes it gives the bastard an out, but at the moment I think it's more important to protect your daughter than getting back at your ex. Then absolutely bollock the bastard , make sure he knows he caused all this and warn him that next time you will show her all the emails and texts and he can deal with the fallout. Hopefully he'll at least stop lying, if not actually show up.

I would screen shot the texts and send them to her.

The school might be disappointed in your DDs behaviour but not you. Your DD was wrong to attack you in public (or private) and send hateful messages from her Dad’s house. Do not pacify her further, send a factual message without emotion that “you did let her Dad know and that you will involve her in sending future invites, you love her very much but she was wrong to hit you and say she hates you.”

I wouldn’t send her the texts at this point as you do t want to upset her now. In the future she will know and understand that you were the solid parent that she can rely on!