Sibling got married last week and no one told me

[TomorrowToday]

This happened 2021 and it still hurts me

My siblings and family live in three cities. My sibling got married last week and no one told me or made plans to see me. Baring in mind we haven't seen each other for 18 months due to pandemic etc.

AIBU to think someone should have told me? I found out via someone at the supermarket.

my sister never said I wasn't allowed to know, and even if she did than she needs to get an grip. You can't control over what others say about you and others have to have a relationship with each other. There are wedding and baby pictures at my parents house etc.

My issue is everyone not telling me
And me finding out how I did.
It's not their news to share.
If your sister wanted you to know then she'd have told you herself.

With kindness, you're coming across like you feel entitled to chip away at other people's boundaries and like you feel it's your place to demand your family pass information to you.

When you talked up thread that people can go no contact, but their actions have consequences, looking across the thread as a whole it does seem like you're expecting your sister to lose her whole family to talk to freely as some sort of punishment or consequence of drawing a boundary with you. It's not a healthy outlook and might offer some insight into why she's chosen to be NC.

Your sister isn't controlling your family.

You family have chosen to respect her wishes.

They are two different things.

What happened back then and do you have link to that thread?

So why haven't you visited them?

Maybe they do prefer her. Maybe they are closer. Adult relationships work like that. Genetics doesn't give you a free pass if you're a bit of an AH.

So what effort have you gone to?

Bit I already knew she was engaged. They lied to me and didn't bother to see me. I have a relationship with them. You don't keep "secrets" you aren't 7 in the playground. It's a life event, it was going to come out. You just get on with it.

They alll knew I didn't know so they could have told me. They could have lessoned the blow by suggesting we meet up another time. This is one of many times I've been left out of events.

@Stillcantbebothered because it was post covid. I wanted to see my nieces and nephew. I knew there would be a wedding and at some point but I didn't know when. So I left it a little bit and it was hurtful when people didn't want to see me but saw each other. It's clear they don't care about me.

I'm the youngest of six siblings, and I'm NC with my eldest brother.
Going NC has been an incredibly painful experience. It's not just a fall-out. It's years of trying to navigate a relationship with someone who I now consider to be a person I don't want in my life.

I realise how difficult this is for my family, particularly my mother, but it's the decision I've made after very many years of to-ing and fro-ing, and allowing my boundaries to be smashed by someone I am related to in name only.

I took the painful decision to go NC with my brother around 2001, and I had very good reason to do so.
I have had no reason to ask my mother or other family members about his life, because that's the decision I made. I know they're in contact with him, and that's absolutely fine. But I don't want to know the details of his life, and I don't want him to know the details of mine.
I wouldn't put my mother, or my other siblings, in the awkward position of having to update me. My mother is incredibly sad about it, and I'm sorry for her - but I simply cannot have anything to do with the man.

I received a FB message two years ago from his daughter (my niece) reaching out to me. She was 19, and I had no idea she even existed. It was lovely to hear from her, and she seems like a lovely young woman. She told me that she has a younger brother who is 16 - I had no idea.

Going NC is so incredibly painful. It's hellish. It divides families, and nobody knows how to act or behave.
I feel awful that I've done this, and so sad for my mum.

But I know that going NC with my brother was the right decision.

Can't you see it from anyone else's point of view?
If they travelled to your area and asked you to meet for coffee wouldn't one you ask why they were visiting your area ? If they'd admitted that it was for your sister's wedding, would you ask to see a pic of her in her dress and ask details about the day? It's much easier to slip in and out of the area.
If they'd told you about the wedding then they'd be "flying monkeys" and fall out with the bride. The wedding is a secret from you because the bride didn't want you there or for you to know about the day. We don't know why you are NC so not judging on that score but can't you see why your family doesn't want to discuss the topic with yoi? They don't want to end up NC with the bride.

You seem to think you’re entitled to know about the sister you’re NC with. You aren’t. Her life is her business, and whoever she wants to share it with. For whatever reason, you aren’t in that group. Your best bet is to try and fix whatever went wrong with your relationship so she lets you back in. What you can’t do is use your family to keep tabs on her.

Thanks @bruffin for answering everyone's confusion about the title / OP.

Shame TomorrowToday couldn't deign to answer it.

It's clear they don't care about me.

No, it really isn't.
Haven't you taken on board anything that people have explained to you in this thread?
If not, then what is the point in posting?

But you said you didn't want an invitation and wouldn't go? So you wouldn't have seen them anyway.

I am guessing this post is a prime reason they didn’t tell you.

Just because they were in proximity it doesn’t mean they had time for a visit. And probably they didn’t want you to be sat thinking ‘they don’t care’ when they were at the wedding and you were not.

I went to London this week. Doesn’t Mean I for chance to see my family or friends that live there. I was there for a reason and needed to get back. That doesn’t translate to ‘I don’t care’

Being in town, doesn’t mean their time is their own or they have plenty of time. As I said, if I go to weekend weddings with a stay over I need to get back as I have things to do. Being somewhere doesn’t mean I have loads of time to arrange extra visits

If you want to see your nieces and nephews you need to reach out and organize a meet up now try to piggyback off the wedding of your sister who you’re NC with and have admitted you don’t care about the wedding or being invited.

Why can't you go and see your family? What age are your niece and nephew?

If they're young, then it's up to their parents who they're in contact with and you need to respect that.

You are NC with your sister why do you think it was your right to know she got married and why do you think it’s your family’s duty to tell you? You have every right to go NC with your sister but it appears you didn’t think that there would be an impact outside of your control but now you know.

Theres obviously a back story but I do think you are being unreasonable in expecting to have a say in how others respond to your NC.

Bit I already knew she was engaged. They lied to me and didn't bother to see me. I have a relationship with them. You don't keep "secrets" you aren't 7 in the playground. It's a life event, it was going to come out. You just get on with it.

You sound quite controlling. You don't get to dictate how your family interpret and respond to you and your sister's NC. You're not the boss of them. You have no idea what your sister has asked of the vis-a-vis letting you know of her life events and this may be the path of least resistance for your family.

Op
With kindness
I know you are hurting
Yes it is MEAN behaviour of them not ti see you when they were close
You have every right ti feel as you do
BUT. You cannot change other people's behaviour
You can only change your reaction to it.
There could be many reasons why they did what they did -
But does this help you ?
So even if we all said on Mumsnet 'you are right - they are wrong' - does that help?
Or does that keep you stuck in all the pain you are in?

@TomorrowToday

BeverlyHa
Have they, as a family ignored you always?

Yep.

^^
Just picked up on this from earlier in the thread

It's looks like this is typical behaviour from your family.
If they have always ignored you could they have made you the family scape goat?
Is there a golden child ?
Maybe it's your nc sibling.
If you are the family scape goat get yourself over ti the 'stately home threads'
You cannot charge this
You will never 'win' their approval

OP - Your version of events:

• your sister got married in 2020 and didn't invite you since you are both NC
• there has been a christening and/ or other events in her family
• the rest of your family have never been to visit you and you have not visited them
• the whole of your family hate you

OP - Your other version of events:

• your sister got married in 2020 and didn't invite you since you are both NC
• there has been a christening and/ or other events in her family
• you have seen photo's of the above events on your parents mantlepiece, which says that you have seen and spoken to them and have visited them
• you say that they lied to you (they didn't - they simply respected that you are both NC and stayed out of it) which suggests that you have not only spoken to them, but you have interrogated them about events in your sisters life.
• your family have seen you on some occasions since the wedding and christening, so if they hate you why would they do that, and if you have never seen them then how have these observations / conversations occured?

Sorry, but these aren't just muddled occurences - what you are saying directly contradicts your own version(s). It doesn't matter why you and your sister are NC. Anything and everything in her life are none of your business, and you have neither the right to be told about those things not to ask about them and expect to be told. There are plenty of other conversations that you can have with your family that are not about her and her life. When you see them, which you say that you do, then have other conversations about other subjects.

It would be a good idea to get some counselling help for yourself.

I think if she went NC with you and you don’t know why, your family could have handles this more sensitively.

Have you asked them why?

I mean ask them why she went NC.

So why don't you make plans to see your nieces and nephews without trying to bully your way into a dynamic where your feelings are the only ones that matter? You dont need someone else's wedding to be the only time you have the opportunity to see your relatives.

This really. If you're NC why would you be invited. And if they're not, of course they would go. Its really hard if some people are NC in a family but not all. You can't expect the rest of the family not to socialise with one another. And those who are in contact with you aren't likely to rub it in your face and tell you. They also may not have visited as it may have felt awkward to them to then avoid talking about why they were there.

How come only you are NC with her, is there a back story and presumably they dont agree?

Sorry but you're sounding a bit unreasonable

I think saying "You can't go NC and expect X Y Z" is a bit unfair when the OP has said it was her sister who made the decision to go NC.