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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sibling got married last week and no one told me

338 replies

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 14:33

This happened 2021 and it still hurts me

My siblings and family live in three cities. My sibling got married last week and no one told me or made plans to see me. Baring in mind we haven't seen each other for 18 months due to pandemic etc.

AIBU to think someone should have told me? I found out via someone at the supermarket.

OP posts:
Kingdedede · 08/07/2023 18:46

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 18:31

So you expect things like a new baby being born to be never spoken about? Because that puts alot or stress on the other people and really it's bizarre behaviour. All families are different and I think people can make their own decisions but you can't expect others to follow your way of operating. No reason why my parents should lie to me and cover up life events for "hurting feelings".

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It wouldn’t be spoken about with you, but not with the people who have a relationship with each other.

Kingdedede · 08/07/2023 18:47

Your posts have a very ‘WHAT ABOUT MEEE!’ tone.

category12 · 08/07/2023 18:48

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 18:31

So you expect things like a new baby being born to be never spoken about? Because that puts alot or stress on the other people and really it's bizarre behaviour. All families are different and I think people can make their own decisions but you can't expect others to follow your way of operating. No reason why my parents should lie to me and cover up life events for "hurting feelings".

Show quote history

And yeah, it might be that your sibling will never want you told about any part of their life, having children or whatever. You don't have a right to know.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 08/07/2023 18:48

Have you spoken to your family about it?

BadNomad · 08/07/2023 18:49

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 18:43

When?

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Whenever you want. You're complaining about no one coming to see you, but you hadn't gone to see any of them either.

user1473878824 · 08/07/2023 18:49

Well. Having read all of OP’s posts I think we can all get a small idea of why her sibling has gone NC with her.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 08/07/2023 18:49

Sorry, re my previous post - the reason it's important is because you've no idea what reason she's given your family for being NC with you and their behaviour may be linked. It could be absolute lies and bollocks for all you know.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 08/07/2023 18:50

category12 · 08/07/2023 18:48

And yeah, it might be that your sibling will never want you told about any part of their life, having children or whatever. You don't have a right to know.

Show quote history

Until they knock or ring then what. "Who are youuuu"

Strange child or adult knocks the door and calls themselves family and needs comfort because mother is a.......

speluncean · 08/07/2023 18:52

It doesn't really matter what the reason is. That's irrelevant.

What matters is that this sibling has decided to go NC with the op and the rest of her family are still in contact and are staying out of it (as they should).

Carpediemmakeitcount · 08/07/2023 18:52

user1473878824 · 08/07/2023 18:49

Well. Having read all of OP’s posts I think we can all get a small idea of why her sibling has gone NC with her.

Not really it's not as simple as that I am reading a hurt woman. Why comment if you're going to be mean.

speluncean · 08/07/2023 18:53

I mean irrelevant as in the op can't change it. It is what it is.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 08/07/2023 18:54

She can voice how she feels that's what I would do.

PlainOldEmmaJane · 08/07/2023 18:58

Op, in the kindest way, this was 18 months ago. Is carrying this hurt/anger around still doing you any good or adding anything positive to your life?

Your other family members were in a shit position themselves. If your sister didn’t want you to know about the wedding, then it was right for them to keep that news from you. It was unfair of her to ask that of them, but they weren’t being unreasonable.

I have some family who are nc with each other, and I wouldn’t dream of telling one party about the news of the other. If I’m told something in confidence then I have to respect that persons wishes. I accept that might possibly cause hurt to the other, but I didn’t create the rift, and I love them both and have to navigate a path between their separate, private lives.

I would imagine your other family members didn’t visit you on that occasion as it would have lead to questions about why they were in the area, where were they staying etc. far easier to come to just do the wedding and go home. Then they can give time to visit you on another occasion. Or you visit them.

user1473878824 · 08/07/2023 18:59

speluncean · 08/07/2023 18:53

I mean irrelevant as in the op can't change it. It is what it is.

It’s not really though is it. Threads on here are constantly about how awful a family member has been that someone has had to go NC and that person is then a nightmare with no respect for that decision. The fact the rest of the family are respecting it says a lot. The OP is getting a lot of sympathy while saying nothing about the reason.

HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas · 08/07/2023 18:59

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 18:23

@HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas once again please read the post. It's about them all coming up to see her and no one making the effort for me. They all knew I didn't know and no one thought about my feelings. But hey don't worry I know I'm nothing to any of them.

I am reading all your posts and you contradict yourself. On one hand you say it’s about them coming up and not telling you/seeing you. But then you are also talking about them lying to you, etc. Whether you realise it or not you’re muddying the waters and this is reflected in the responses you’re getting. If you wanted people to only focus on the first issue maybe you should only have posted about that.

Yes, I do agree it’s a shame and not nice that they didn’t see you the following day. However that may well be linked to you being NC and them feeling like they’re piggy in the middle. So if they had contacted you and said they’re going to be in town on x date…..maybe they were worried you would then ask why, etc. maybe your sibling didn’t want you knowing when the wedding was so they didn’t feel they wanted to give you any clue about it. Have you asked your other siblings about if they’re coming back soon and would like to meet up?

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 08/07/2023 18:59

speluncean · 08/07/2023 18:53

I mean irrelevant as in the op can't change it. It is what it is.

It is, but I'd want to know if my sibling had told my family I'd done something and they were treatingly me differently because of it.

UsingChangeofName · 08/07/2023 18:59

Oh that wonderful mums net saying to put women down when they dare to voice an opinion or call out shitty behaviour "you sound like hard work".

No, this is nothing to do with you 'voicing an opinion'. this is to do with you starting a thread, to ask if YABU, and then you not accepting that you might be.

Lots of people have been trying to explain to you why it isn't the rest of the family's job to be passing on the news of the person you are NC with. You are trying to say on the one hand that you are fine with not being invited, but OTOH that you are putting the rest of the family on the spot by asking them all about your sibling.

YABU.

Trying2understand · 08/07/2023 19:00

@TomorrowToday I can understand why you feel hurt. There's two truths here - one is that it is hurful/painful to not have that relationship but the other truth is your siblings were in a very hard position, as were your parents. Your NC sibling may have said they don't want to be discussed with you, undeniably they were in a difficult position of not wanting to hurt either of their siblings or children.

I think here you need to give them the benefit of the doubt and trust them, otherwise more hurt will spread in the family.

I have a friend in a similar situation to you - one of 4 kids has gone NC with parents. Other sibings aren't allowed to show pictures of the grandchildren or mention them. Grandparent is very angry and feels siblings should as that is their grandchild. While officially they went NC after a very trivial issue, it was far more weighted and there was much more to it spanning decades.

This is one where you have to not make it about people not liking/loving/caring about you and recognize it is a hard situation for everyone.

Original poster
TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 19:03

@Trying2understand my sister never said I wasn't allowed to know, and even if she did than she needs to get an grip. You can't control over what others say about you and others have to have a relationship with each other. There are wedding and baby pictures at my parents house etc.

My issue is everyone not telling me
And me finding out how I did.

OP posts:
Jinxjacobs · 08/07/2023 19:03

This is a really difficult situation, and no wonder you're feeling pain, even if the delay is puzzling you. I've not quite the same but understand feeling low or bottom on the family priority list. The difficulty I think is, the NC with your sister is clouding or transferring onto your family members. I expect they didn't know how to handle it either, and if you're seriously unclear why you've ended up NC, in some ways it sounds like you're passing your feelings about that onto them when it's your sister's decision to not include you, horrible as that feels. Sure, I understand they could have made the time, same town and all that, but modt charitable reason might be they were keeping the peace or trying to not disrupt anything further during a wedding weekend (not that it would be fair, but you know how somebody could reverse and say they're NC with their sister and their family sneaked off during wedding weekend to see her anyway, etc- not that I don't think that is also heartbreaking and unfair, but I hope you see what I mean). Your delayed response may be all sorts of other things, I know my brain pulls a wedgie on me at times that seem unconnected, but sending good thoughts as I know it sucks feeling on the outside and not knowing why.

Original poster
TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 19:05

@UsingChangeofName actually read what I've written in the post.

My issue is them not making the time to see me and lying about everything. Speaking about me behind my back and no one having the guts to say anything to my face.

OP posts:
Forgottenmypasswordagain · 08/07/2023 19:05

Did you and your sibling get along then out of the blue they went no contact?

user1473878824 · 08/07/2023 19:05

user1473878824 · 08/07/2023 18:49

Well. Having read all of OP’s posts I think we can all get a small idea of why her sibling has gone NC with her.

I’m standing by this…

speluncean · 08/07/2023 19:06

The family aren't (from what the op says) treating her differently. They're just not telling her about her sisters life nor are they getting involved?

FictionalCharacter · 08/07/2023 19:07

@TomorrowToday Why did you put in the title and the thread that she got married last week, and also put that it was in 2021?