Sibling got married last week and no one told me

[TomorrowToday]

This happened 2021 and it still hurts me

My siblings and family live in three cities. My sibling got married last week and no one told me or made plans to see me. Baring in mind we haven't seen each other for 18 months due to pandemic etc.

AIBU to think someone should have told me? I found out via someone at the supermarket.

I am reading what you've written.

Nc in families are never easy and there's always a whole load of background that other people will never understand - even if they're family.

The best thing is a total separation for those who are seeing both parties, in my opinion.

So you genuinely don't know why she ever went NC with you @TomorrowToday ? You got a birthday card, she got engaged, and that was the last you heard or saw of her? She never actually told you that she'd gone NC? You didn't ask her or any member of your family why she was not responding to you? Seriously?

OP, as somebody who has NC with one of my siblings, could there be a chance that your NC sibling said to the rest of the family to not discuss anything about her life to you?

I've told my family not to discuss anything about my life to my NC sibling. They understand why. Yes there is a reason but I'm not going to discuss it on here.

Could your family feel like they are trapped in the middle? Why are you and your sibling NC?

They were in town for the wedding that is why they didnt see you I am not sure why that offends you?

Maintain your relationships better with the family who arent nc and dont give this one weekend any more headspace.

Also to add, they didn't see you in the area when they were there to see your sibling marry, could it be because they only wanted to spend the time there with your sibling as its her wedding? Yes they could of made time to see you and yes I understand its hurtful. But they probably wanted to spend the time they had with your sibling.

I think this was a reasonable assumption, given what the OP has posted on this thread. It does sound like her family did worry that she would turn up if she knew the wedding was happening. And they thought that was not a good idea if she did.

it is very unusual for someone to genuinely have no idea why someone has gone NC with them. Even more so where the wider family know and are not trying to resolve the issue or mediate. In that case, it’s likely they completely understand why one sibling has decided they’ve completely had enough.

Even if it’s just that they’re all awful people, then surely the OP is best off accepting that and getting on with her life.

When someone goes NC they don't want the other person knowing their business. So telling you about the wedding would be taking sides against the bride iyswim.

On the other hand, not telling you is taking sides against you. Is it possible that your family are taking NC sister's side because they don't want her to go NC with them ? Is she one of those siblings who family is scared to piss off?

OP,

It is fair to be upset by any lying or covering up by your family. Why don't you talk to the rest of your family and tell them that you're hurt, especially for not visiting you. Try to work it out with them directly, an internet thread won't fix anything.

Maybe this isn't fair, but it seems like your drip feeding a little here so that makes me wonder how good at communicating you are. I have a sibling i'm nc with but I still care about them and want them to be ok.

I can appreciate that you were hurt by this OP but I don't think you appreciate how difficult this is for your parents and other siblings.
Whatever they do will be wrong in someone's eyes. They will either be accused of gossiping and sharing information that isn't there's to share or will be accused of showing favouritism and keeping secrets.
It's very likely that your parents in particular will find this situation upsetting.
They are doing the best they can by not getting involved at all and trying to keep a separate relationship with each of you.
It is possible that your sister asked them directly not to discuss it with you.
If you want to try to build bridges go directly to your sister and ask whether she would be prepared to let you listen to her reasons.
If you don't wish to have contact you need to let this go and not expect to discuss her at all with the rest of your family. Don't put them in the middle.

Op i feel your pain.
My ds went n/c a year ago
It hurts BUT I have come to terms with it.
It was really hard.
I miss her every day.
I love her
I know she loves me
But at the moment we are treading different paths
I respect that.
One day we will be reunited, but until then, I have no choice but to give her space.....
This too will pass, I promise.

Yes, this is a real possibility.

Oh, and I have read all your posts.

Yanbu to feel embarrassed when a third party told you about the wedding.
Yanbu that your other sibling didn't suggest meeting up before/after the wedding. Is it expensive to travel to the not NC sibling? Not seeing them since 2020 is a long time.

Why are you asking them about the dates etc if you’re NC with the sibling getting married and don’t care and will not attend even if invited?

But can't you see that this might have felt deeply awkward to the family members, who presumably had no idea how you would react to not being invited to the wedding? You say yourself that they were embarrassed when the going NC happened and thought she would change her mind. I mean, I agree there were probably more mature ways of handling it, but, bearing in mind how angry and upset you are about it in this thread two years later, can't you understand that 'Hi @TomorrowToday, Sis is getting married in your town on Saturday and you're not invited, but want to have dinner the night before?'' might have been an awkward thing to say?

OP, the thing about going no contact is that if family/friends do the go-between thing or keep you up to date with what's happening in your sibling's life, they're acting as "flying monkeys" and betraying their confidence. Which might lead to them also being cut out.

If your sibling was on here saying "this person is toxic to me I don't want them in my life or to know anything about my life, I've gone non-contact but the rest of my family are telling them everything", people would criticise the family for doing that.

It's not a nice place to be in for anyone, I'm sure.

I think they probably didn’t arrange to see you as it would have been too awkward and may not have wanted to lie further to you after the wedding? Would you not have asked questions about why they were in the area in the first place etc?

Have you attempted to reach out to the sibling at any point to understand why they are not talking to you/inviting you to their wedding?

Have you asked your family why they didn’t tell you/ why they didn’t arrange to see you?

TBH - If I was NC with family, I wouldn't want them to discuss my personal life.

Yep.

I wouldn't invite an NC family member either.

In fact I would probably also ask other family members not to mention the event unless specifically asked.

They probably felt in the middle between you and went with what the bride asked them to do which is understandable, it's her and her partner's event.

They probably avoided seeing you that weekend because it would have been awkward and you'd have sussed out why they were there and got upset. They were probably trying to avoid more drama.

You don't come across well from your posts, you have an unpleasant tone, in case you're not aware.

You are sounding very mixed up.

First you say you ‘literally don’t care’ that you’re not invited and then you say it’s shit you’re the only not invited (even though you are NC).

OP was copy and pasting from her original post in 2021. Her dd got the blame for not telling her in that one

Maybe they more plans with the bride and groom.

The visit was for the wedding.

How often do you visit parents?

It was your sister’s wedding and quite rightly her family made her the focus of their attention. In their situation I don’t see what else they could have done. If you’re saying you never get any attention from them that’s a different issue, but this weekend was your sister’s.

I think you're being a bit U, your NC sister got married, what she does with her life is none of your business and either one or both of you wanted that way with the NC.

The weekend would have been about that sister not you, maybe your family were only there briefly and they didn't have time to meet up due to the celebrations.

That rings a bell now.