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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sibling got married last week and no one told me

338 replies

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 14:33

This happened 2021 and it still hurts me

My siblings and family live in three cities. My sibling got married last week and no one told me or made plans to see me. Baring in mind we haven't seen each other for 18 months due to pandemic etc.

AIBU to think someone should have told me? I found out via someone at the supermarket.

OP posts:
Cherryblossomed · 08/07/2023 19:11

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 19:03

@Trying2understand my sister never said I wasn't allowed to know, and even if she did than she needs to get an grip. You can't control over what others say about you and others have to have a relationship with each other. There are wedding and baby pictures at my parents house etc.

My issue is everyone not telling me
And me finding out how I did.

How do you know she didn’t say you can’t know?

You have been to your parents house since and still not raised this?

There will always be family conversations you aren’t part of. The wedding didn’t impact you.

I wouldn’t dream of telling my Dad that he and my brother can’t talk or plan something without my involvement. And I talk to my brother.

If he expected involvement in every conversation or plan with my dad I would tell him to get a grip.

I have to say in my experience people who say ‘I have no idea why they went no contact’ are usually being really selective with the details they are giving. Like when you get threads here from parents claiming to ah e no idea why their adult child is NC. There’s usually a known reason, even if it’s not acknowledged.

If your problem is with the rest of the family, I would guess there’s been an impact on her. Hence her cutting contact.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/07/2023 19:12

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 19:03

@Trying2understand my sister never said I wasn't allowed to know, and even if she did than she needs to get an grip. You can't control over what others say about you and others have to have a relationship with each other. There are wedding and baby pictures at my parents house etc.

My issue is everyone not telling me
And me finding out how I did.

OK, so your sister initiated the NC and you have no idea why. How do you know your sister didn't say you weren't allowed to know?

And if she did, no she doesn't need to 'get a grip'. It's about other respecting her wishes. If she said not to tell you then they should respect it. Wouldn't you want your confidentiality respected if something happened to you (good or ill) that you didn't want her to know? I certainly would.

You can't control over what others say about you and others have to have a relationship with each other.

That cuts both ways. If she has no right to control what others do or do not say, neither do you. As far as 'have to have a relationship', each person gets to set the terms on that. If your family's 'terms' are abiding by her confidentiality, then you'll just have to either get used to it or go NC with the lot of them.

As far as not seeing you, I can only surmise that if they all showed up in your town the first thing out of your mouth would be "What are you all doing here?". I know it would be the first thing out of mine if a big group of my family showed up in my town. So I assume rather than lie to you about it they just didn't tell you. A sin of 'omission' rather than 'commission', I guess.

Unless you want to find yourself on the outs with the whole lot of them, I suggest you find a way to make peace with your sister's NC and all that entails. Perhaps counseling would help you find your way?

sonjadog · 08/07/2023 19:13

From what you have written, it sounds most likely to me that your sister asked them not to tell you because she wants no contact with you and does not want you to hear about her life events before or as they are happening, and your family is respecting that wish.

If they had come to see you the day after the wedding, there would have been questions about why they were there and the wedding would have most likely come out. So to avoid that, they didn't visit.

Your family are trying to negotiate this NC between you and your sister the best they can. It must be very difficult for them.

IAmAlreadyRegrettingMyGreyColourScheme · 08/07/2023 19:13

I do think that's shitty behaviour of your family. 2020/2021 was a really crappy time so I can't understand why they wouldn't take the time to arrange a meet up with you when they were in the area.
The only thing I could think is maybe they were overwhelmed with the idea of attending a wedding after all the months of lockdowns etc & just wanted to bolt and get home?
How is your relationship with them now? Have you discussed what happened?

OneTwoThreeShake · 08/07/2023 19:15

If your sibling has chosen to go no contact with you, it stands to reason they don't want your family talking to you about them either.

Their wedding isn't about you. Your family attending a wedding nearby you doesn't mean they're obliged to come and visit you at the same time because again, it isn't about you.

It's sort of easy to understand why they might have gone no contact.

Why are you still being dramatic, 2 years later?

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 08/07/2023 19:16

speluncean · 08/07/2023 19:06

The family aren't (from what the op says) treating her differently. They're just not telling her about her sisters life nor are they getting involved?

Siding with her sister, then. Not seeing the OP when they were in her city in order not to give the wedding away, even though they knew the OP would find out later.

Original poster
TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 19:16

OneTwoThreeShake · 08/07/2023 19:15

If your sibling has chosen to go no contact with you, it stands to reason they don't want your family talking to you about them either.

Their wedding isn't about you. Your family attending a wedding nearby you doesn't mean they're obliged to come and visit you at the same time because again, it isn't about you.

It's sort of easy to understand why they might have gone no contact.

Why are you still being dramatic, 2 years later?

Again. Read my posts.

I think it's good form for them to actually bother to see their sibling they haven't seem since covid started.

OP posts:
Original poster
TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 19:17

@AndIKnewYouMeantIt yes not seeing me or making the effort was hurtful.

OP posts:
Pawleygirl · 08/07/2023 19:17

A few of my siblings have done this to me too. Granted my family isn't super close, but I didn't even get a wedding invite. Some of my family just sucks. It's fine though, I'm good without them in my life anyway.

Kingdedede · 08/07/2023 19:18

I don’t think there is form for those unprecedented times.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 08/07/2023 19:18

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 19:17

@AndIKnewYouMeantIt yes not seeing me or making the effort was hurtful.

Do they know why she's not speaking to you?

speluncean · 08/07/2023 19:18

Again. The road is the same length both ways the op could've gone to see them.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 08/07/2023 19:20

Have you seen any of them since the wedding?

Sureaseggs44 · 08/07/2023 19:21

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 18:31

And I really don't know why she is Nc with me. She sent me a birthday card 2020 and then got engaged and that's it's.

So without speaking to her I don't know.

This is bizarre , so perhaps she thinks you have gone no contact with her!
did you not think to ask or discuss ? Did you congratulate her on the engagement ?

speluncean · 08/07/2023 19:21

Also in 2021 they might not have wanted to miss with any more people than necessary - having gone to the wedding they might've wanted to go straight home

IncomingTraffic · 08/07/2023 19:22

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 19:16

Again. Read my posts.

I think it's good form for them to actually bother to see their sibling they haven't seem since covid started.

Show quote history

You may need to accept that they did not want to see you.

Your family know you. They know your sister.

The way that you reply to people on this thread (and did on your other thread) is really difficult. And quite rude.

That’s why few posters have much patience with you.

I am sorry you feel hurt. But the best thing for you would be to get off MN and consider arranging some therapy to properly talk this through with someone.

Sureaseggs44 · 08/07/2023 19:22

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 19:17

@AndIKnewYouMeantIt yes not seeing me or making the effort was hurtful.

perhaps they think you are the one who has gone no contact and they are not happy ?

there has to be more to this ?

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 08/07/2023 19:23

Sureaseggs44 · 08/07/2023 19:22

perhaps they think you are the one who has gone no contact and they are not happy ?

there has to be more to this ?

Show quote history

This is exactly my point. Not knowing what my sister was telling my family about me would drive me batty.

Mari9999 · 08/07/2023 19:23

@TomorrowToday
You are being s bit contradictory and hypocritical. Your think that your sister should get a grip and understand that she has no control of what others choose to say, but maybe you too need to get a grip and understand the you too have no control over what your parents and siblings choose to say. You exactly complaint is about what your family chose not to share. Is that something over which you should have some control ?

speluncean · 08/07/2023 19:25

*mix

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 08/07/2023 19:25

speluncean · 08/07/2023 19:21

Also in 2021 they might not have wanted to miss with any more people than necessary - having gone to the wedding they might've wanted to go straight home

Well, they'd say that then, not that they were too embarassed and were hoping the sister would come around.

category12 · 08/07/2023 19:25

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 19:17

@AndIKnewYouMeantIt yes not seeing me or making the effort was hurtful.

They were there for your sibling's wedding. Weddings often have stuff going on the following day as well.

How far did your family have to travel to get home? Do they have jobs, pets to get home to?

Do you live close to the wedding venue, how big is the city you live in? Would you have been happy with a quick coffee after 18 months or would you have been upset that they didn't have longer time to spend?

speluncean · 08/07/2023 19:26

But it could've been anything.

Once someone goes no contact that means no contact. It means no information flow.

What is the point of being told stuff about someone you're not having any kind of interaction with ??

noglow · 08/07/2023 19:27

They probably didn't tell you so you didn't turn up. Yes it would have been nice if someone had told you but they clearly went NC for a reason

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 08/07/2023 19:30

speluncean · 08/07/2023 19:26

But it could've been anything.

Once someone goes no contact that means no contact. It means no information flow.

What is the point of being told stuff about someone you're not having any kind of interaction with ??

You're not even reading what I've written. Never mind.