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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the majority of women would leave their DH/DP

460 replies

NoLeaveIt · 07/07/2023 23:47

…. If they could have the same standard of living and home without them.

I’m interested to see what proportion of MNetters are actually happy with their lives with their partners rather than just trapped by practicalities of life and finances.

OP posts:
Hopelessromatic · 08/07/2023 02:12

Well I was like alot of the ladies on here .I was so in love with my husband. I couldn't wait to get home from work to be with him . I still got butterflies when he got dressed up in his nice suit and couldn't wait to get him into bed even after over 30 yrs together , but then I found out he was in long term affair and my world fell apart , so now we're heading for divorce and I have to go it alone . I'm jealous of you ladies who have found decent men . You really are so lucky as you have won the best prize of all, the love lottery !!

denpark · 08/07/2023 02:16

I can't tag the CarrieBradshaw poster but, no, it's actually not one friendship group. It's people that I've met over the years via school/university/work/random baby groups/my own family etc etc. pretty much every couple has split.

Not sure why but I reckon people are realising that the do not have to stick it out and that women manage perfectly well on their own. I think it's a bit of a culture shift.

The only thing that all of the women that I know have in common is that they've all got degrees and post-grads/doctorates. Not sure if that makes a difference but that's the only common factor! Not all have children.

theGooHasGone · 08/07/2023 02:18

Yikes, your original statement is horrible. No, I absolutely don't think the majority of women would leave their partners if they could keep their house and still have money!

denpark · 08/07/2023 02:21

theGooHasGone · 08/07/2023 02:18

Yikes, your original statement is horrible. No, I absolutely don't think the majority of women would leave their partners if they could keep their house and still have money!

See, I think they would! Fir many women it's the fear of financial hardship and losing their home (usually a family home) that stops women initiating divorces. They want things to stay the same for their children

Dagnabit · 08/07/2023 02:32

Nope, I’m very happily married.

ClaraBourne · 08/07/2023 02:46

Totally trapped here by location, finances etc.

ClaraBourne · 08/07/2023 02:48

@Hopelessromatic I'm so sorry.

lucylulululu · 08/07/2023 02:58

JorisBonson · 07/07/2023 23:52

Fats? Days!! 😄

This made me giggle 😂

WandaWonder · 08/07/2023 03:05

Why is being happy with a partner a fairytale? It is better than being bitter and twisted and reliant on a man, I may be a woman but I am my own person husband or not and am perfectly capable of making my own decisions it is called being an independent grown up.

Why do posters need everyone to be as miserable as they are? Is it a competition?

TMess · 08/07/2023 03:06

Never. I’d be happy living in a tent with him.

Astsjakksmso · 08/07/2023 03:40

YABVVU on the basis that you cannot claim the 'majority' would do anything, unless you conducted a statistically valid survey.

But nope, here. Love husband. Who would give me cuddles and back rubs if I left??? :(

Astsjakksmso · 08/07/2023 03:43

ButterflySquared · 08/07/2023 01:51

I adore DH but have had the comfort of also knowing that I could walk away and buy a house outright if I needed to, not a luxury afforded to many people. My standard of living overall would go down though because it’s simple economics. We met at work when both very junior staff.

But it’s him I would miss, DS says we are like a pair of comfortable old slippers. Today we had a nice lunch together and a walk round the marina the pub is near, watched an episode of our box set, DH talked about going to Ecuador when he was very young, we played a video game together and had a late supper in the garden with DS and his GF. Together close to 28 years and in our mid fifties.

Your last paragraph is my dream... Yes we also met as junior staff. Same team 😍
We haven't been married long but hope to be like you two

gwenneh · 08/07/2023 03:54

Never. I love DH, earn enough money to maintain our current lifestyle re: holidays, mortgage, hobbies & activities, etc. While yes, two incomes are larger than one, we have always been reasonably frugal and budgeted to a single income in case one of us lost our job or couldn’t work. And then of course if DH weren’t here then nor would his expenses, either.

I might save less overall and given that, might opt to economise in places. But could I maintain our current lifestyle alone? Yes, and we stress tested that during Covid.

I’d never opt to split though so it’s a moot point.

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 08/07/2023 04:41

I wouldn't. Mine is my best friend and my biggest cheerleader. We've been together 15 years and I love spending time with him.

FiveShelties · 08/07/2023 05:14

NoLeaveIt · 07/07/2023 23:55

It’s lovely to see such positive comments. Maybe my view is skewed by some of the horror stories on MN.

Interestingly the voting is not quite as positive as the posts though

I would definitely not leave my husband, we are a team - it is us against the world.

I think reading MN would skew your view because how boring it would be if we all posted how wonderful our relationships are - no cope for everyone giving their best advice there.

leftshark · 08/07/2023 05:25

@TMess a genuine question. I love my partner very much, but I really wouldn’t give up my flat to live in a tent with him. Can you tell me a bit more about your relationship and why you would say this? I’m interested as my partner and I are talking about cohabiting; he has a house and a 6 year old and I have my own flat; i love them both but if the options were to be by myself in my flat or with him in a tent I 100% know I would of course choose my flat. But there have been a decent amount of posters who seem to think their husband/partner is their best friend and one and only, so perhaps I’m wrong?

happyfoot · 08/07/2023 05:44

KnitMePurlMe · 07/07/2023 23:56

@NoLeaveIt thing is people only really post about the shit for support and advice. I can write a daily thread about how fab my dh is but I think people would soon tire of my smugness 😂

Yep- and in threads where posters make statements about how all men are shit and people respond "nah, I'm happy with my partner" they get TOLD they are being "smug" so of course people arent going to start threads saying how happy they are as they'd get loads of snarky replies!

graygoose · 08/07/2023 05:55

No. I earn far more than DH and don’t need him at all for financial stability and I am happy. He does piss me off sometimes of course, it’s not all roses but I enjoy his company and feel my life is richer with him in it. Most of the time 😜

GnomeDePlume · 08/07/2023 06:00

Met as students. Been married 32 years. I'm main earner. We are looking forward to retirement together in a few years.

If we were to separate we would both be poorer but ultimately I would be the better off of the two of us.

Most of the people I know are happily married.

formulaonecar · 08/07/2023 06:08

I have the financial means to leave but I dont. Because I love my husband and I love our family. I dont believe in fairytales but there is a huge middle ground between thinking your partner is "fairytale perfect" and being miserable. Neither myself or my husband are perfect and we both irritate each other at times (which is completely normal when you live with someone 24/7) but despite that, we adore each other and our lives would be miserable without each other. I love our life together- its a source of great support, fun and peace.

YouJustDoYou · 08/07/2023 06:17

Never. He's whippet smart, we match in thinking over almost everything, certainly in everything that matters, he's reliable, a fantastic, amazing dad, and easy on the eye, which helps. I've never been with anyone else, and no one else would ever match up to him. I'd rather be alone with a ton of cats and dogs as company then ever settle for another partner.

pollykitty · 08/07/2023 06:20

There are definitely ongoing things in our relationship that annoy the hell out of me and I sometimes fantasise that I would be happier elsewhere but I know the reality. My DH makes me laugh too hard to leave. I was single for years and we didn’t marry until our 40s, I definitely know what it’s like to be a single older adult and I didn’t like it. I was very lonely. So no. Never.

Milk2SugarsAndAShotOfYourFinestValium · 08/07/2023 06:26

I absolutely love my DH and couldn’t be without him. I earn more than him and I don’t need his money, but I still keep him! 🤣

That said, I don’t think you’re wrong OP. I think many women are trapped financially especially when there are children involved. Sometimes MN can be a bummer for those stories.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 08/07/2023 06:28

No I wouldn't. I stayed with my ex for a lot longer than I should have because I couldn't face dismantling my life but it wasn't about the money, it was all just too complicated.

He ran off one day with a woman who had mistaken a belt for a skirt and it all got dismantled anyway but it was still me that had to do all the paperwork and the packing.

DH now of 22 years and we are two sides of the same coin. We have both gone through some horrific stuff and wouldn't have got through any of it if we had not been together.

Peony654 · 08/07/2023 06:30

Not me - our shared (equal) income enables us to have a good lifestyle, but we also enjoy being together and supporting each other. Not perfect but nothing is!