To think that the majority of women would leave their DH/DP

[NoLeaveIt]

…. If they could have the same standard of living and home without them.

I’m interested to see what proportion of MNetters are actually happy with their lives with their partners rather than just trapped by practicalities of life and finances.

Why on earth would it? My post was referring to the numerous fairytale lives being portrayed on this thread.

That was my first thought, to be honest. And even if not, I earn the same as mine plus I own property from before we met so I have greater ‘wealth’ overall. He’s amazing and brilliant and kind and funny. Every day I take note of how very lucky I am. I’m not with him because of what he can do for me. I’m with him because we fit. He’s the lodestone in my life and I’d like to think he feels the same way about me.

Don't apologise, it's not our fault some people are twats! And I really really don't mean to say that people should avoid ever discussing things which might possibly be weaponised by arseholes. I was just thinking out loud about the difficulties of this type of topic, really, and that I wouldn't want to talk about it online myself, if I felt that way, in case of unintended audience. Though I didn't explicitly say it, I was also partly thinking about the reasons that the results of the written posts and the poll might come out different, with a topic like this where coming out and saying that you think a lot of people feel this way, or that you feel this way yourself, might make some people judge you harshly.

I also fucked up the words in my first sentence, and fucked up my meaning even more — it should've read "I wouldn't, but even if I would, I wouldn't say that I would", rather than "I wouldn't, but even if I would, I'd say that I wouldn't". What I actually typed is just fucking weird — "I agree with that thread! But I might be judged if I admit it — I'd better go on there and pretend that I disagree" 🤣🙄 Must not post sleep-deprived…

No way, he can be a pita but he's my pita! I like him, we enjoy our time together.

@NoLeaveIt
"I’m in a very similar position. I am financially independent from my partner but I love our shared property and couldn’t afford to live there alone. I fantasise about my own little place away from him though."

This is exactly where I'm at. I'm the higher earner by some way and have been for about 90% of the time we've been together. Where I went wrong is agreeing to completely pool our incomes when we first moved in together. Should we split up, I'll walk away with significantly less than I paid in and he will get significantly more (unmarried, no kids, so it would be a 50/50 split). With hindsight, I've done myself a huge financial disservice, but that seemed the right thing to do at the time.

I also spend many hours dreaming of a home just for me. I even look at prospective houses for sale and use mortgage calculators to work out if I could afford it.

Absolutely not.

When I met my husband I was living in a house share.
Now I live in a huge house with a pool.

If this is how someone feels then these people need to realise there is more to life.

I would be sad if I lost my house, my job, my finances, my car etc.

But they are all replaceable. I would be DEVASTATED to lose my husband. He is the absolute light in my life. I assume all people feel like this about their spouses. Perhaps I'm wrong and in the minority.

Me too, I spend hours on rightmove looking at what I can afford to rent or buy.

A lot of people are less able to leave an abusive relationship because of the financial consequences but your title implies a certain gold-digger mentality which I doubt is that widespread

I think that I could have a good life still independently but I wouldn’t WANT to leave my partner. I can’t imagine have a truly fulfilled and happy life without him, even though I’m sure it would be pleasant enough. There isn’t really much about living with him that annoys me (especially that after 11 years, he still can’t sort the dark washing from the lights 🙄😂).

That wasn’t intended. Two salaries will always be higher than one.

Really? He must be a very low earner.

I’m a high earner and had a great standard of living before marriage and could do so again. It would still not be the same as having the advantage of both of our incomes. There are vanishingly few people who can cut their income in half and enjoy the same standard of living.

I could support myself and my children without any input from my husband whatsoever and we would still have a good standard of living. I’m here because I want to be, not because I have to be. But it would be very stupid of me to pretend there’d be no change to my standard of living if as a family we lost half our income overnight.

My quality of life would be the same it better financially since I spend a lot more on DP family and step children so financial stability us but the reason I’m with him at all . I love him and my kids love him . No underlying reasons in our relationship.

I know right! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Had mine for 51 years (today actually) think I will keep him

I now live with my best friend.
It's THE BEST.

No, I love being married.

Out of all the couples I know in their 30's (a LOT) I think I can count on one hand the number of women who are genuinely happy (which is lovely for them). The vast majority are trying to make it work or are stuck because of children and/or lifestyle.

Most of the couples in their 40's that I know are either divorced or separated. It's like perimenopause woke up all the women to the fact they're far better off without their dead weight. Most of the men are balding/fat/having affairs or mid life crises and lots have bought wanky cars. Hardly any of the women cheated but all instigated their divorces.

It's pathetically predictable and depressing.

I'm not high earning.

I'm financially independent though.

And married to a person I like very much.

Who is not a fucker. He's a good man. Not in a 'Good Man' way, in an actual good man way. He understands that if he's not part of the solution, he's part of the problem. He quietly supports me, he gets it and he understands and he does his fucking bit in a non-performative way.

He is an actual good man. I love him very much. And am very thankful that I met him. Because we get each other as people and we understand the difference and we get that too.

And! He always says to people, 'You need to listen to @FFSCarrieBradshaw'.

I adore DH but have had the comfort of also knowing that I could walk away and buy a house outright if I needed to, not a luxury afforded to many people. My standard of living overall would go down though because it’s simple economics. We met at work when both very junior staff.

But it’s him I would miss, DS says we are like a pair of comfortable old slippers. Today we had a nice lunch together and a walk round the marina the pub is near, watched an episode of our box set, DH talked about going to Ecuador when he was very young, we played a video game together and had a late supper in the garden with DS and his GF. Together close to 28 years and in our mid fifties.

I’m very lucky, my husband is my best friend. We’re ok financially but we’d still be happy even if we were dirt poor. Have been together since 1982, we were both 19, now 60.

Absolutely no way, I’d be lost without my lovely DH, he’s fab.

Well that maybe says a lot about your friendship group.

I am 52, and certainly not carrying a deadweight. And the friends that are still in their original marriages feel similarly.

Of course there were many relationships that fell by the wayside when the children were young, mostly because of useless men.

The relationships that have carried on (probably 60% split 40% extant) I know some aren't great, maybe 10% by the time one gets to my age. And yes, maybe that 10% that are still clinging on are doing it for financial reasons, probably because they backed a lame horse. Looking back though, the brilliant and bright women I know that did end up backing a lame horse, there was some utter rubbish in their background that, even if they were from educated and privileged backgrounds, there was something (father/adopted father/step father/absent father), that fucked it up for them.

My only advice is, if you're in a shitty relationship, don't get out for you, get out for your children. It flows down, it does. Material goods and large houses mean nothing really. I've seen how it fucks up families, how they don't do so well.

No, I wouldn’t, and I have a property that’s mine (albeit family home, jointly owned with DB) that I could move into at any point if I needed to.

DH annoys me from time to time, as I’m sure I do him - but nobody makes me crack up on the daily like he does. He’s a very good man, good husband and good father.

I’m looking forward to getting older with him, and seeing where life takes us.

The relationships depicted on MN are an utter shit show, and would have you believe no-one is happy and all men are shit. But in reality, that’s not the truth. My friends are all married to good men, and DH’s friends are good men, too.

That’s why I say LTB on the shit show threads - not because, as the incels would have you believe, I’m a bitter and twisted man-hater.

Quite the opposite. Why stay with a sub-standard specimen, when there are so many good men out there?

With my ex 100%, with my OH now, not in a million years