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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the majority of women would leave their DH/DP

460 replies

NoLeaveIt · 07/07/2023 23:47

…. If they could have the same standard of living and home without them.

I’m interested to see what proportion of MNetters are actually happy with their lives with their partners rather than just trapped by practicalities of life and finances.

OP posts:
fussychica · 09/07/2023 19:10

God no! We've been together forever, we're mid 60s and I still love him deeply. No way would I leave him, I dread the thought that he might go before me.
Financially we've always been pretty equal so that's never been an issue.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 09/07/2023 19:13

I could if I wanted to. Don't want to. Actually quite like him. Find it odd that people stay with people they actively dislike tbh, although I do appreciate its not always as straight forward as that. But I've never understood the whole concept of being desperate to get away from your partner (as seen in many an American sitcom).

laloue · 09/07/2023 19:13

No! We’re a great team, he’s the only person I trust and he’s my closest friend. Admittedly without him I would probably have to rethink life a lot (we run at 60/40 him/me costs) but I can’t imagine not being together exploring, faffing and going wrong sometimes.

Ilovecleaning · 09/07/2023 19:14

I’m 70+ and I don’t want to rock the boat now. I can’t be arsed with him anymore. I just don’t care. Been with him 17 years and I was an idiot to get involved. I thought he was kind, helpful and patient. He is. But he’s also TAPS, can’t take any responsibility for anything and is soft as pig shit. I feel like his mother. We used to bicker a lot and now I think that he thinks I’ve mellowed. I haven’t. I’m just not interested. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.
I feel better now. 😉

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 09/07/2023 19:17

NoLeaveIt · 08/07/2023 00:10

40% are voting YANBU but all the comments support YABU

You didn't state which was which. I presumed YABU was no, I love my DH and want to stay regardless, but some people may have thought YANBU means everything is good.

Missingpop · 09/07/2023 19:27

I wouldn’t want to imagine a day without my Dh; he’s the love of my life & after 35 years together we’ve weathered everything side by side; he’s my world x

3littlebird · 09/07/2023 19:46

I’m miserable and would 100% rather be on my own 😞

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 09/07/2023 20:05

No way, my hubby is my best mate, I love sharing my life with him. I think a lot of people on MN are very anti men so can see why you would think this could be the case.

HappyAsASandboy · 09/07/2023 20:26

I would still stay with my DH, even if leaving would not mean a disruption in living circumstances.

I get frustrated because I don't manage to spend the same amount of "couple" time and "alone" time while married to my DH as my single parent friends do with their partners. They seem to spend most of their time living with their kids, but then get every other weekend to spend with their partners, and I don't seem to be able to arrange to spend kid-free weekends with my DH at all.

I know I am being insensitive and "grass is greener" towards single parents. But it also becomes hard when the only "weekends off" I can arrange are with friends because my DH is at home with the kids (and vice versa). I miss time with him as my friend :(

mrlistersgelfbride · 09/07/2023 20:37

I'd leave the lazy selfish arse tomorrow if I had the resources. I think I'm in the minority, and I don't tell people this x

Lovely13 · 09/07/2023 21:03

JorisBonson · 07/07/2023 23:52

Fats? Days!! 😄

Lols. Had image of happy belly rubs. 😍

Hellodollydaydream · 09/07/2023 21:12

I wonder what the consensus would be, if you asked men the same question?

RhubarbCrumble12345 · 09/07/2023 21:17

Been together for 10 years, getting married this year. Sometimes I want a little peace for sure and I could definitely survive financially on my own but he really is an amazing person and adds to my life in so many ways. I was surprised by the voting though, I didn't think there would be as many saying the opposite!!

Bennyjoon · 09/07/2023 21:38

Yep.

LobsterCrab · 09/07/2023 21:42

My DH makes my life better in so many ways. We've been together 26 years.

Here4thechocs · 09/07/2023 21:43

I’m 42. My husband is 45. Married 14 years…usually, I drive our comms so on occasions I feel as though I couldn’t be bothered , we have absolutely nothing to say to each other. As I type this, I’ve been back from work for about six hours and we’ve exchanged alll of three or four sentences.
I can’t say I like him but this stems from lots of past events. I don’t think he’s got my back, even though he says he loves me & unless I told you things going on or that have gone on, you’d think I was lucky to have him.

Money ? No. I’m not with him for money. I’m the higher earner. I’m here for the kids. Our relationship isn’t violent. We actually never fight /argue loudly but we don’t do the lovey dovey stuff I see people do, even though he’d love that, forgetting it isn’t about the pretence.
Matter of fact, we haven’t been intimate with each other since January. I’m here , counting down to when the kids both go off to Uni …

Ineedtorunaway · 09/07/2023 22:15

I also spend loads of time on Rightmove wondering what I could afford on my own with the kids. It the life style for the kids I don't want them to miss out just because I don't love or even like my OH. Never really have but just fell into a rut with him

Ukrainebaby23 · 09/07/2023 22:16

Not sure everyone in this position would want to answer honestly.

BaconAndAvocado · 09/07/2023 22:18

DH’s salary is massively higher than mine but we are a team, something he acknowledges often.
I value his input (financial and otherwise) and he values mine (financial and otherwise).
We’ve been together for 19 years. He is my rock. A kind, decent man who I feel very lucky to have met.

Lumin55 · 09/07/2023 22:25

With my DH 49 years through good and bad times, he had a cardiac arrest and was gone in seconds. I miss him everyday, I miss the witty banter, the laughs, the caring, the arguments:) everything.

flannelbritches · 09/07/2023 22:41

I fantasise about it all the time. I see little cottages for sale that I could afford and think how lovely it would be. I could decorate it how I wanted to, I would be so free. My DH sabotages everything, we can’t even go on a walk together as a family without him moaning, sulking, asking me a million questions, not helping, not talking, texting his friends & being all jolly & funny when they call. Then asking my why I am in a mood.

oh gosh I have so had enough but I don’t want to be the one to break up my family and ruin our beautiful home. I’m so desperately unhappy though. I’m on the verge of tears all the time & self harm.

thefatpotato · 09/07/2023 22:41

Absolutely not. I would be really lonely without him.

Cantlastsixweeksofthis · 09/07/2023 22:51

I would..I can only dream of it

Original poster
NoLeaveIt · 09/07/2023 22:55

flannelbritches · 09/07/2023 22:41

I fantasise about it all the time. I see little cottages for sale that I could afford and think how lovely it would be. I could decorate it how I wanted to, I would be so free. My DH sabotages everything, we can’t even go on a walk together as a family without him moaning, sulking, asking me a million questions, not helping, not talking, texting his friends & being all jolly & funny when they call. Then asking my why I am in a mood.

oh gosh I have so had enough but I don’t want to be the one to break up my family and ruin our beautiful home. I’m so desperately unhappy though. I’m on the verge of tears all the time & self harm.

I’m so sorry to hear that.It sounds horrendous. Are you just staying for your children’s benefit?

OP posts:
Feministwoman · 09/07/2023 23:06

Yes, I would. But I am trapped by sacrificing getting a decent pension, by caring for his Mother with Dementia, and also our Autistic child.

He's 10 years older than me, in ill health, so I also now face being his carer in his old age.

So if I divorce now, even allowing for a 50/50 split (although he'd hide as much money as possible)
I'd face a very impoverished old age.

Trapped.