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AIBU?

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Original poster

To marry a man I'm not in love with

578 replies

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:00

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

OP posts:
OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 07/07/2023 17:02

Its not fair on him to be perfectly honest. Why shouldn't he have someone who loves him like he loves you. It would be selfish of you to do that to him.

Original poster
Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:04

I've agree fully, but I can and do give him lots of things that he appreciates. I treat him very well.

OP posts:
AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 07/07/2023 17:04

I also don't think it's fair, but it depends what he wants as well. If he's looking for someone who wants to have a family with him, stay at home while he works, and you have common goals then it could work, but not if you're pretending you love him and he thinks you're with him for passion over practicalities.

JamSandle · 07/07/2023 17:07

The million dollar question.

Marry for love or security/practicality.

Neither are wrong.

Hmmmbetterchangethis · 07/07/2023 17:07

If you enjoy his company and are going into it with your eyes open, I don’t see why not.
You have to be very sure though, as with any marriage.
Respect, care and kindness, as well as having fun together are key in a long relationship.

Yorkshiredolls · 07/07/2023 17:07

Im going to go against the grain here to say it could work, but do you actually fancy him? Do you have good sex?

Backstreets · 07/07/2023 17:07

Strong, rich, from a nice Mediterranean country you’ll vacation in for months at the time? I’ll take him off your hands!

onefinemess · 07/07/2023 17:09

Say to him what you have said in your post. If he is OK with that, plan your wedding.

If he isn't OK with it, then you have your answer.

Donotshushme · 07/07/2023 17:09

How do you know what being in love feels like? Because it sounds to me like you love him. Maybe you've absorbed the message that love needs to be volatile and red hot with emotion flying everywhere.

Nothing wrong with a good, steady, loving relationship where you take care of each other and enjoy spending time together.

I think you need to let go of the idea that your ex was the love of your life and instead embrace the idea that there are many ways to be in love and that it doesn't have to be a volatile disaster.

Sceptre86 · 07/07/2023 17:10

I don't think you are in the right head space to be in a relationship much less considering marriage. Do you even want kids or a sahm lifestyle? He could lose his money, you could struggle to have kids or even enjoy being a parent. What ties you to each other in the hardest of times is love, affection and respect. We all have different aspirations and if yours match and you are both open and honest then fair enough. If he thinks you love him when you are just fond of him then that's just sad.

WouldYouLikeYourMuffinButtered · 07/07/2023 17:11

My mum married someone who she appreciated but didn't love with all her heart.
Don't do it. It gives a distorted, unhealthy view to any children you bring into the world, and you both deserve to be with partners in life who make you wholly happy.

ProfessorXtra · 07/07/2023 17:13

I don’t think it’s the worst idea to get married for practical rather than romantic ones.

But if he loves you, it’s not fair for him to think that you love him when you don’t. And if you ‘had a lot of love’ for him you wouldn’t do that too him.

Doesnt matter what you give him. Living and having kids with someone is really difficult even when you are in love. It can’t be awful doing it with someone you don’t.

Especially if one person is in love and one person is there for practical reasons. There’s a lot of resentment to be had on both sides. When you have a baby and perhaps and older child all day, feeling touched out and he wants to some affection or some sign that you love him and you don’t love him. Both sides end up resentful.

while I don’t think it’s the worst idea. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you. You still think of your ex as the love of your life. He wasn’t. There’s no finite amount of love in one life time. You aren’t over your ex, I don’t think so can’t fully emotionally invest here.

I think in a few years, you would revert to thinking with your heart and bitterly regret it. But with your career further back from being a sahm, no income of your own and (possibly) children to consider.

I think he can offer a lifestyle you want. So you are convincing yourself that you have love for him. that life will be so good, it won’t matter that you don’t love him. That you don’t need to be in love.

RachelNoire · 07/07/2023 17:13

I could only marry for love.

We’re not all the same though so no judgement. Will it make you happy though?

Nordicrain · 07/07/2023 17:13

"wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. "

Would be a no from me. A man saying this is sure to be old fashion and sexist, two things that would not align with my values and predicts a lifetime of being stuck in charge of all things kids/ domestic.

That's without the fact you don't fancy him.

BartholemewHolmes · 07/07/2023 17:14

onefinemess · 07/07/2023 17:09

Say to him what you have said in your post. If he is OK with that, plan your wedding.

If he isn't OK with it, then you have your answer.

I agree with this

What do you say back when he says he loves you op?

ManchesterGirl2 · 07/07/2023 17:15

Donotshushme · 07/07/2023 17:09

How do you know what being in love feels like? Because it sounds to me like you love him. Maybe you've absorbed the message that love needs to be volatile and red hot with emotion flying everywhere.

Nothing wrong with a good, steady, loving relationship where you take care of each other and enjoy spending time together.

I think you need to let go of the idea that your ex was the love of your life and instead embrace the idea that there are many ways to be in love and that it doesn't have to be a volatile disaster.

I agree with this. What was your family like growing up? For those of us with more difficult childhoods, we can get tricked into thinking intense volatility = love. But it sounds like maybe you do love the new man too, it's just a steadier, less up-and-down form of love.

Angelofthenortheast · 07/07/2023 17:16

Hmm, I do know someone who did marry in this exact situation and she has never been happy. She is actually quite miserable and lonely 10 years and two kids down the line.

But - it's also quite likely that she'd be miserable, lonely and single now if she hadn't married him. the difference is that she lives in a beautiful house and has expensive holidays.

For me personally I'd rather be poor, free and have the possibility of finding love than marry for stability. but I honestly wouldn't judge you if you did. Plenty of old couples we would call 'cute' have had 60 years happy marriage after having a shotgun wedding in the 50s.

Onthelow · 07/07/2023 17:17

I was in a long relationship where I was not in love nor was I attracted to him. However when I look back I think what a wonderful partner and father he would have made and that is important and might have been enough.

BrokenBonesStixStones · 07/07/2023 17:17

Donotshushme · 07/07/2023 17:09

How do you know what being in love feels like? Because it sounds to me like you love him. Maybe you've absorbed the message that love needs to be volatile and red hot with emotion flying everywhere.

Nothing wrong with a good, steady, loving relationship where you take care of each other and enjoy spending time together.

I think you need to let go of the idea that your ex was the love of your life and instead embrace the idea that there are many ways to be in love and that it doesn't have to be a volatile disaster.

This exactly

Paperbagsaremine · 07/07/2023 17:18

I think the bottom line is that if you have doubts then don't marry.
And you do have doubts.
The situation is liable to corrode your self reliance and self respect.
I would say, carry on seeing him by all means, but take a step back and think about how you can have some sort of worthwhile career. Make a 3 year plan to turn things around.
Some people might have no qualms about being swept off their feet by a rich and lovely chap from the Med, but firstly, it sounds like a newish relationship and secondly, you don't feel that way yourself.

So, you shouldn't... at least, not now.

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/07/2023 17:19

How would you feel if you overheard your partner saying they were marrying you because you felt like the safe, comfortable option?

When you’re elbows deep in shitty nappies and the day to day ennui, you still need to be able to look at each other and feel the same way that you feel when you see the waiters bringing your food to your table at a restaurant. That doesn’t mean fireworks. But it does mean desire.

ManateeFair · 07/07/2023 17:19

You sound to me like you have quite an immature/idealised notion of love. Your ex was 'the love of your life' but your relationship was a disaster? It sounds like he wasn't really 'the love of your life' at all, then. My guess is that you were caught up in the drama and the excitement and the passion, and you now think that love is all about having butterflies in your tummy all the time. The 'crazy heady days' are not actually love at all.

Kenwoodmixitup · 07/07/2023 17:19

Are you able to have open conversations that always you both to voice concerns to find a way forward?

People can enter into marriage/having a child together with all sorts of ‘personal truth’. It’s the communication that makes or breaks a relationship; can deepen or weaken a relationship. Space to air doubts and aspirations. IMO.

WimpoleHat · 07/07/2023 17:19

I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

Forgive me if this sounds patronising, but are you sure you’re not confusing lust/passion/excitement with love when you talk about your ex? These can be great things (although vicious arguments not so much!), but love comes in different guises…..

LadyJ2023 · 07/07/2023 17:20

Erm nope I would never marry if I didn't love its ludicrous and then if you did fall in love with someone your stuck. Plus why would you want to bring up kids in a marriage that wasn't filled with love boggles me