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Original poster

To marry a man I'm not in love with

578 replies

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:00

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

OP posts:
FluffyFlannery · 07/07/2023 18:08

Marrying him would be robbing him of finding a woman who truly loves him. I don't think you're a thief. Let him go.

PostOpOp · 07/07/2023 18:08

Also worth remembering that money can buy you absolutely anything, but not love. You can buy sex too, even women can, but if you're with a partner you don't love, you no amount of (his) money will be able to get you that.

So marrying him is you agreeing never to be in love again. Unless you divorce.

How much are you willing to forgo that feeling for? What's your price? It's harsh but you'll need to know it for when things get tough. You will need something to rely on and it won't be the bond you have based on your love for each other.

I too agree that love can be slow biting and your "one true love" definitely wasn't that. But I think you're unable to compare what you feel for this guy with love because you don't actually know what it is.

Noicant · 07/07/2023 18:08

Also if my Dh was skint tomorrow I’d be fine being skint with him. It’s important, life is not easy and throws stuff at you that can tip you over. Sometimes the only thing holding you together is love. A hug, a squeeze of the hand that says “I love you, I’m right here”. Without that you will just feel lonely inside your own marriage but it has to be genuine.

Merryoldgoat · 07/07/2023 18:09

What do you mean ‘sex pest’?

Pigeon31 · 07/07/2023 18:09

He sounds quite nice - could you imagine growing old with this person? Sometimes affection grows over time, it doesn't have to be love at first sight.

Original poster
Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 18:10

I'm fully qualified but political reasons stop me progressing

OP posts:
Seamsthesame · 07/07/2023 18:11

Maia77 · 07/07/2023 18:05

It's all good unless you marry him and then it turns out he's not who you thought him to be. Then there won't be much left there. So basically I wouldn't rush into getting married to him. Maybe he's being really great because he can sense that you're not that into him, so he's pulling all the stops and once you marry he might turn into a different person, someone quite traditional, who might want you stay at home with kids etc. Don't rush.

But this can, and frequently does happen, in 'love' marriages, when previously lovely and loveable men become abusive, controlling or just useless.

At least without the crazy "head over heels in love" connection, it would presumably be easier to escape without the mental health damage that can follow the ending of a toxic "loving" but controlling/abusive relationship.

They're pros and cons of each, and also there are smug people who have got lucky by finding someone they love and are sexually attracted too who loves them back, is an equal member of the relationship and household, with shared life objectives all before their biological clock starts ticking away.

OrwellianTimes · 07/07/2023 18:13
  • “sex was great at the start but feel myself pulling back now and he is displaying some sex pest behaviour.“

I think you need to expand on this, of course you can marry someone with a different deeper type of respect love - but this sentence sounds like a recipe for disaster.

readbooksdrinktea · 07/07/2023 18:13

onefinemess · 07/07/2023 17:09

Say to him what you have said in your post. If he is OK with that, plan your wedding.

If he isn't OK with it, then you have your answer.

Agree with this.

Maia77 · 07/07/2023 18:13

Seamsthesame · 07/07/2023 18:11

But this can, and frequently does happen, in 'love' marriages, when previously lovely and loveable men become abusive, controlling or just useless.

At least without the crazy "head over heels in love" connection, it would presumably be easier to escape without the mental health damage that can follow the ending of a toxic "loving" but controlling/abusive relationship.

They're pros and cons of each, and also there are smug people who have got lucky by finding someone they love and are sexually attracted too who loves them back, is an equal member of the relationship and household, with shared life objectives all before their biological clock starts ticking away.

Show quote history

It wouldn't necessarily be easier to escape if she ends up being dependent on him financially, loses confidence etc...

Original poster
Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 18:13

He is extremely nice and yes I imagine us together in the future in a way I never have with anybody

OP posts:
Original poster
Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 18:14

I won't lose confidence

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 07/07/2023 18:15

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 18:10

I'm fully qualified but political reasons stop me progressing

What?

MysteryBelle · 07/07/2023 18:16

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 18:10

I'm fully qualified but political reasons stop me progressing

What does this mean?

IamfeelingConfused · 07/07/2023 18:16

I think you need to give your head a wobble. The passion you felt as a young person for another who you were not compatible with....how is that really the love of you life? That was just a rollercoaster of emtion.
It worries me that you feel you are not in love with this man - that is important. But its also worries me that you are comparing this relationship to a toxic relationship of your youth.

Blossomtoes · 07/07/2023 18:17

It’s a much better basis for marriage than being “in love”. I’ve been very happily married for 23 years now. I love, respect and care deeply for my bloke but I was never in love with him. I’d had enough of it after being treated like shit by men who I thought I was in love with.

Bexx87 · 07/07/2023 18:18

No, don't marry him. I don't think I'd even be at the point of considering marriage with someone I wasn't in love with though. It all sounds a bit medieval.

BartholemewHolmes · 07/07/2023 18:18

Op what do you say when he says he loves you?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/07/2023 18:19

Money for sex. That's what it boils down to. Does it really need asking if that's a good idea?

Poor husband-to be and poor future kids. You'd better be a bloody good actress.

bumblebee2235 · 07/07/2023 18:19

Tbf I would which might go against the grain.. that passionate I love you love is not really common, can fizzle out and sometimes in my past one sided. So I would marry if all other needs were met and both of you could have a comfortable life with mutual respect. As long as you are both aware of where you stand I don't see the issue. I've met a couple who cohabited as they both wanted children, 30 years on, child grown up and they're still happy with their arrangement :)

VinoVeritas1 · 07/07/2023 18:21

I do think you have to be a bit starry eyed to make a lifelong commitment to someone, yes. If you are not in a bit of a whirl I’m sorry but he’s not The One. It wouldn’t last - you’ll end up frustrated and sad and well, not in love with the man you married.

Don’t do it would be my advice.

Oysterbabe · 07/07/2023 18:22

If the sex is a bit shit now, then in a few years and after kids the very thought of it will make you want to puke.

Elephantsdontlikechocolate · 07/07/2023 18:22

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:00

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

He wants to marry you for your passport and will likely treat you like dirt. He doesn't sound great.

Shutuptrevor · 07/07/2023 18:22

Are you someone who can settle for the “ordinary-everyday”? Some people can and this would be fine for them. I tried to be one of them for years but in the end it broke me and I had to leave. I needed the big love story. I now have it :)

Neither personality type is wrong. Just be true to yours.

BigSkies2022 · 07/07/2023 18:22

Mmm..tricky one. You're not getting any younger, bluntly, if you want children, and men who you can rely upon to be good fathers and partners are not ten a penny.

Do you want to make this man happy, and grow into loving him, even if your most recent example of love (which sounds pretty fucked-up, tbh) doesn't match this experience? Not wanting sex with him seems like a red flag. Are you going to get the ick? Can you honestly cherish him?

The world is full of men who marry women because they think 'she'll be a really good mother.' Not enough women think this element through to come to the same conclusion about the men they marry.

I see nothing wrong about being practical in one's choice of spouse (speaking as someone who made some very bad choices before finally making an excellent one). And love is properly the goal of marriage as well as its foundation. Why do you think the vows set out everything that can go wrong (sickness, poverty) instead of simply dwelling on the delights?