To marry a man I'm not in love with

[Blabber1]

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

You are making about you and what people would say to your husband.

Does it matter if the sex pest part mentioned in the Op. The Op mentioned it in their other posts.

Since when has Information that’s only in the Op classed as important or relevant.

Being a sex pest and ignoring your partner boundaries is a huge red flag. But you are pretending it isn’t because the op situation is vaguely like your own. It’s weird.

Would be interesting to hear the male response for this issue

I think it would be much, much less forgiving than we've been getting on here, tbh.

I disagree, I know plenty of men who married with a women who they did not fancy that much but did it because of the financial security/social status they would get and NO one said anything (they even got a thumbs up from other guys). I believe marrying for money is much more socially looked down upon when a woman does it, yes, unfortunately we still live in quite a sexist society.

Go on, then. Find a lads' website and post pretending to be a man considering marrying a woman who has money but is overweight, not very attractive to him and pesters him for sex. And tell us how kind and forgiving the responses are.

I would love to turn into a troll and do it just to read the responses 😂

And you would get some corkers that would make this thread look like tea with the vicar.

@Sandra1984 very upset, I should think! Good point. And so would I if I were either party. Perhaps the answer is that you should be one hundred per cent sure about marrying someone before you do it without having to ask for any advice. I think if I had to ask advice about whether to accept someone's proposal, I would know in my heart that I shouldn't be doing it. But that's just me and everyone is different.

Quite. If you're here asking for opinions as to whether it's a good idea, it's not a good idea.

Other men would disagree with a man marrying a woman only for money more because they’re often concerned with a woman’s looks, figure etc so they wouldn’t understand. They wouldn’t necessarily have a moral objection to it. If they were to say they were marrying a woman mainly for her looks they’d definitely get a lot of support and understanding. The equivalent for women is money/financial stability. Which is why a lot more posters would be critical if OP said she was mainly marrying a man because he was handsome!

Because historically women have often taken a bit of time out to have children and/or have monthly periods in many cases very painful, it makes sense for women to be concerned about a man being a provider hence traditionally that has been the case.

@Sunsetandsunrise Because historically women have often taken a bit of time out to have children and/or have monthly periods in many cases very painful, it makes sense for women to be concerned about a man being a provider hence traditionally that has been the case.

I can understand why a woman would look for a mate who can provide while she's pregnant but here we have an OP who just took two months off her job to travel (I know no single working woman who can afford that) and is seeing her potential partner as meal ticket so she can stay at home. We have thousands of threads on MN full of women trapped in unhappy/abusive marriages who can't leave because they don't have a pot to piss on.

Thinking that if you are planning on having children, they learn so much by the environment they are raised in .
if you want to model a love less relationship of convenience,then break your heart as you have to watch them repeat your pattern later in life .
if it’s children you want is there any way you can make that happen without engaging in this nightmare waiting to happen.

Show him this thread.

He doesn’t know who she is until she has this conversation with him. He deserves better, the fact she’s discussing this on an internet forum instead of with him in person shows the ‘love’ she has for him is a complete fallacy as she doesn’t even respect him enough to front up and tell him how she feels.

He's becoming a sex pest? No. Walk away now. Having children with this man will be a big mistake.

Is he really a sex pest though? At this stage in a relationship, most couples, if they feel the same way about each other, can’t keep their hands off each other. He is very much in love with her, but he has no idea that she doesn’t feel the same way. She is being incredibly unfair on him.

Is he really a sex pest though?

OP feels like he is and says she can't stand it.

Even if she's marrying for security and he knows and is OK with that, it's got to be tolerable.

....what's going to happen when you fall in love with someone?

If not when. And, judging from past relationships, her falling in love choices aren’t particularly healthy.

Yeah, the 'if not when' thing raises an interesting point.

Because, indeed, she may not fall in love again. And if she goes into this marriage, it would be better for her and everyone else if she never fell in love again.

So she'd be in a situation where she'd be hoping she never fell in love again. Because she'd be in trouble if she did.

At which point, surely you've got to take a step back and think, 'How the fuck have I managed to get to a place where I'm actively hoping I never fall in love?'

She has told him how she feels about it.

Being ‘in love’ is no excuse for no respecting your partners boundaries.

Hi blabber1, I see some similarities in your explanations and empathise with you, and I wonder if you are maybe feeling depressed are you allowing yourself to fall for this man too. and how long it was since your previous relationship. As I spent a lot of time dating friends on rebound of the person I'd thought the love of my life and it took me to beyond finding another relationship to work out what the person who was interested in me had and as a great friend I eventually let myself fall for him, my promise was that I just didn't want to hurt him. By changing my mind as I had done in dating other friends and knowing why those relationship had failed.you are right to examine your motives I did, I don't know if they call this settling but one of my wrongs had a glamorous lifestyle foreign but personality was explosive possibly violent, I was persuaded by a colleague why that was wrong for me, and I think at that time I also knew I could never love someone else in the total way I had that other significant so it was he lifestyle that attracted me as well as good looks... I'm saying there are many kinds of love and a slow burn rather than raging flames may be more about your age and wisdom/ experiences. I love my husband very deeply hate the way I rely on him, but am not financially independent could be maybe , our love has ebbed and flowed in last 30 years but sometimes I wonder why I love him and other times I realise how much our relationship has changed, but we are still both committed and best friends. That is where our relationship is. We do fall out but it's not the huge dramas, it's also similar low key. I'm nearer to 60 than 50 so menopause has also changed things. Love is a multifaceted unique thing between the 2 of you. But first know your worth, know what you want, if you can't imagine living without this man, and he is kind you are kinder and better with him, ... Find your similar reasons, listen to your heart and rationalise if it helps but if you would drop him for love of life to pick up where you left off, it's definitely wrong.tske time before committing deeply but it's ok to Feel sad about before, find a way to get over that. but if you imagine life happier deepening in love...possiblity of and wanting to be with him...you are still curious about this person... Have you thought about therapy.

She has told him how she feels about that, but not how she feels about him.

Were she to say, “It’s possible that I don’t want sex with you because I’m not in love with you, and I don’t imagine I ever will be,”
then he might understand why he’s considered a pest.

A lot of marriages based on 'in love' end in disaster. Only you can decide whether or not to go ahead. I wouldn't rule it out. But it needs careful thought.

No. You should be able to say to any man that you don’t like something and they respect it or end the relationship if they can’t live with your request.

Not agree and the start again a few days later.

I do agree she should be honest. But that’s no excuse for ignoring her boundaries.

Would you think it was ok he was a sex pest if she did love him?

I'm saying if she loved him, she might not consider him a sex pest.

What we have here, I'm saying, is a mismatch of expectations based not on the insensitivity of one party, but on the lack of communication between both.