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AIBU?

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Original poster

To marry a man I'm not in love with

578 replies

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:00

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

OP posts:
Exasperatednow · 07/07/2023 17:20

I agree with others.

Lust or love.

As someone who is about to celebrate 25 years, love takes many forms and keeps changing during a long relationship. Lust comes and goes. Love is something else.

MynameMyname · 07/07/2023 17:21

This probably will be your last chance for a family .

Somethingsnappy · 07/07/2023 17:22

As a pp also asked, do you fancy him?
Do you have a lot in common? Do you make each other laugh? Do you have a lot to talk about?

FuppingEll · 07/07/2023 17:23

Donotshushme · 07/07/2023 17:09

How do you know what being in love feels like? Because it sounds to me like you love him. Maybe you've absorbed the message that love needs to be volatile and red hot with emotion flying everywhere.

Nothing wrong with a good, steady, loving relationship where you take care of each other and enjoy spending time together.

I think you need to let go of the idea that your ex was the love of your life and instead embrace the idea that there are many ways to be in love and that it doesn't have to be a volatile disaster.

I agree with this. The first guy can't have been the love of your life. If he was you guys would have made it work. That is what love is, showing up every day and making it work. You don't argue viciously with a person you love and care about.

SummerInSun · 07/07/2023 17:23

Are you sure you don't love him? You may have some distorted Hollywood view of what it feels like to be in love. Do you enjoy his company, look forward to seeing him each day, have a good laugh together, trust him, want to tell him when things go well or badly in your life and know he will be there for you? If so, that's ticks the love box in my book.

Caroparo52 · 07/07/2023 17:23

Is there a hurry?
Does he "need to get married" ... visa /work permit ?
Wait and see how things develop. I appreciate you may want to get going on the babies , or not waste any more time if its not meant to be .
But you know now that being desperately in love with the wrong person
( your ex) , is a train wreck disaster. It will never bring you happiness.

Find out if you might grow to love this new man. Its still early days. A lot of successful marriages survive on friendships not passion

Seamsthesame · 07/07/2023 17:24

I settled (in my mid 30s)!

The two relationships where I was head over heels in 'love' were both very destructive and left my mental health in tatters.

DH is quiet, not very social, possibly slightly "on the spectrum", but he is uncomplicated, financially sensible and stable, easy to live with (most of the time!!), was happy to settle down and have a child (who he is great with), and we have similar hobbies and long-term life goals and expectations.

The downside is that I can't fake sexual attraction, so now as perimenopause is taking hold it's not easy to maintain a sexual relationship. Sometimes I dream of being swept off my feet and feel I'm missing out, and then have to remind myself that I'm also possibly missing out on a world of pain.

I don't know if my DH also settled by marrying me. But we rub along well and DD is thriving as we are able to give her a stable non toxic home.

Panteranoir · 07/07/2023 17:26

If you love him and you get on well and have a physical spark then that is a lot of boxes ticked.

It does sound a bit like your first relationship was that typical fiery young love that many people experience, look back on fondly but in reality is no basis for a long term match.

Think very very carefully and ensure your values match in terms of finances, child rearing, domestic load etc.

Don't marry him if he is just any port of call in a storm, but if you do love him and can see a life dedicated to and supporting each other, it's probably a more realistic match than hankering after 'the one'

fruitbrewhaha · 07/07/2023 17:27

I think you have a messed up idea of what love is. Why do you think the ‘love of your life’ was your ex who you had a tempestuous relationship with? He sounds like a nightmare.

JaninaDuszejko · 07/07/2023 17:28

Do you enjoy having sex with him and do you come? I think it's very unfair to marry someone you don't love and it will only lead to heartache.

I do think those that say you appear to have a messed up concept of love are right though and maybe you should have some therapy so you can start to appreciate decent men instead of chasing these awful volatile relationships. And please understand that 'the love of your life' is the one who makes you feel loved and secure and safe and you should want to do the same for them.

bobotothegogo · 07/07/2023 17:28

Does he make you laugh?
Do you enjoy sex with him?
If yes to both then marry him. Deep love will blossom with the existing love and respect you have for him, as long as you have laughter and can bear him touching you!
Your previous relationship sounds like heady, immature lust which can be hard to move on from but at some point you have to be realistic and grow up.

billy1966 · 07/07/2023 17:30

Hmmmbetterchangethis · 07/07/2023 17:07

If you enjoy his company and are going into it with your eyes open, I don’t see why not.
You have to be very sure though, as with any marriage.
Respect, care and kindness, as well as having fun together are key in a long relationship.

I agree.

A shared sense of humour is hugely important and helpful, in a long successful relationship IMO.

Original poster
Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:31

OK a lot to go on here, thank you ladies for insightful comments both critical and supportive. They're all helpful. I'll respond to what I can remember:

  • he is extremely handsome in the face but doesn't keep himself in shape. Honestly I worry that if he got fit then I'd be fighting other women off. So I am attracted to him and do fancy him at times
  • sex was great at the start but feel myself pulling back now and he is displaying some sex pest behaviour.
  • yes I agree with those that say my view of my ex and "love" are not healthy. Yes I grew up in a house with violence but they stayed together and he grew out of it.
  • I treat him extremely well, he's been treated badly in the past, he thinks my nurturing caring side is lovely
  • our goals in life are very aligned. He wants to support me to reach the highest heights too
  • to the poster that said it's a red flag for him to want me to be a SAHM, it's me that wants that. I've watched everybody about me have to hand their kids over at 12 months and I don't judge it but I don't want it!
OP posts:
JadeSeahorse · 07/07/2023 17:33

Exasperatednow · 07/07/2023 17:20

I agree with others.

Lust or love.

As someone who is about to celebrate 25 years, love takes many forms and keeps changing during a long relationship. Lust comes and goes. Love is something else.

Definitely this!

I was engaged to someone else for 6 years many, many years ago from a very young age. Was totally obsessed with him but finally decided to split with him as he was a cheating rat who treated me very badly. I honestly thought my life was over!

Several 3/4 month relationships later I met DH. Was never obsessed with him but we had the same sense of humour, life ideals, career plans, etc. I did find him attractive in a more adult way if that makes sense although previously would never have thought he was my type. After him asking several times I finally said yes. Best decision I ever made as he constantly reminds me.😂

We have now been married over 40 years, have been through tremendous adversity including our only DC having severe learning difficulties. However, we now are a blissfully happy family of three. I absolutely adore my DH and can't imagine my life without him. We have everything we ever wanted together.

Oh, and as for the ex fiance. He didn't get married until his mid 30's and lives quite poorly. The life he has I'm sure is fine for him but I wouldn't have lasted 2 minutes.
His looks definitely didn't last either whereas my DH has matured like a fine wine.🥰

bobotothegogo · 07/07/2023 17:34

Seamsthesame · Today 17:24

I settled (in my mid 30s)!

The two relationships where I was head over heels in 'love' were both very destructive and left my mental health in tatters.

Yes! My "one" who I honestly burned for, turned me into a shell of the person I once was! Took me years to recover from.

Okaaaay · 07/07/2023 17:34

What @JamSandle said. Neither is right or wrong. If you don’t love him though, I would think very carefully about your comparability on the key things (money, domesticity, family/friends, children etc). Inconsistencies are easier to gloss over when you’re deeply in love, less so when you’re not.

Jongleterre · 07/07/2023 17:35

Stop. Walk away.
It's not fair to him and you will split and if you have children with a man from another country you risk your children being taken away to that country.

Smoothiecarton · 07/07/2023 17:36

It’s ok until he decides he doesn’t love you either , and then the generosity will turn into resentment very quickly. Being resented and unloved is very hard going.

Original poster
Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:37

This is very similar to me. Thank you. I also suspect he's on the spectrum BTW.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 17:37

No, no, no, and no again.

Do not marry someone you do not love wholeheartedly. I did this - I didn't quite know I was doing it, but retrospectively I realise I knew it wasn't 'right' but I felt he was who I needed, and deserved, and I wouldn't get someone better than this.

Ultimately my marriage was horribly abusive.

It's now over, 3 DC.

I have held a lot of guilt for essentially knowing I shouldn't marry him - and doing it anyway. I did think I loved him, I did find him attractive, sex was good and there were good times. But at a very fundamental level, I knew something was missing.

I realise now I didn't have the self-worth and belief to listen to that feeling, that I felt this was the best I could do ... and ultimately I was vulnerable to his abuse over time.

Of course love and a loving marriage is about far more than 'feeling in love'. But if you don't have that core belief at the start of a marriage you will never have it, and trying to use reasons of security, having children, aligned life goals will not cut it.

Anyway, you've said you are withdrawing from sex and he is being a sex pest, he's not in shape etc - you seem very unattracted to him, and certainly being a sex pest is not ok in a partner, ever.

CornishTiger · 07/07/2023 17:37
  • sex was great at the start but feel myself pulling back now and he is displaying some sex pest behaviour.

What sex pest behaviour

NancyPickford · 07/07/2023 17:38

There is a big difference between loving someone and 'being in love'. The thing that did jump out at me with your later response is that he is displaying sex pest tendencies, and that you fancy him some of the time. I don't doubt that a sound healthy relationship can be based on mutual love, respect and shared goals, but the sex pest and only sometimes fancying him are negatives in my opinion.

Isitoverkk · 07/07/2023 17:38

Forget what people are saying about how it’s not fair on him. You need to do what’s best for you. And I would marry him and start a family, yes. Don’t give up work, though.

forkshoo · 07/07/2023 17:38

Some people will say it's a bad idea and not fair on him and you should only marry for love.
But practically speaking, if you want children and a good father this man sounds like a good idea. Love can grow.

whynotwhatknot · 07/07/2023 17:39

sex pest? sorry tis stood out for me-if hes like that now why would you say hes a good man