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Original poster

To marry a man I'm not in love with

578 replies

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:00

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

OP posts:
EsmeSusanOgg · 07/07/2023 17:39

You can love someone without being that intense 'in love' passion that people talk about in fairy tales and movies and is often quite toxic.

Do you love him OP? If you do not, then it isn't fair. But you can love and not be 'in love'.

Original poster
Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:40

Thank you. This is what I think of my partner. He says this thing about being a ship mast in the storm for our future family. It's totally beautiful, I honestly have never seriously thought about a family until now xx

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 17:40

Isitoverkk · 07/07/2023 17:38

Forget what people are saying about how it’s not fair on him. You need to do what’s best for you. And I would marry him and start a family, yes. Don’t give up work, though.

Sorry - you would intentionally marry someone that you don't love, to have a family?

That is deeply unfair on everyone, especially the children.

I did not intentionally marry someone I shouldn't - I believed it was for the best. It is definitely better for my DC that our marriage ended. Yet, I will never not feel regret that they missed out on having two parent, committed to each other and them (they have experienced a lot of painful times as a result of their father's behaviour).

Thosepeskyseagulls · 07/07/2023 17:42

Honestly I would say go for it. As long as you enjoy having sex with him and you’re not lying to him, everything else sounds pretty great to be honest.

EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 17:42

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:40

Thank you. This is what I think of my partner. He says this thing about being a ship mast in the storm for our future family. It's totally beautiful, I honestly have never seriously thought about a family until now xx

Everything you are saying here is about the image he is presenting to you.

You admit yourself you are withdrawing from him, he's not attractive to you, and he is displaying sex pest tendancies.

There's no point in looking at some imagined lifestyle. If you are not in love with him, in whatever way that manifests itself to you (and it's different for everyone), then you should not marry him or have children.

DisquietintheRanks · 07/07/2023 17:42

He's deeply in love with you so wants lots of sex with you - but you're not I love with him so aren't that keen? Is that what's happening? And how is that going to work out going forward.

Honestly, is your plan just to get what you want from him (couple if kids) then kick him out of your bed/life? Because that's shit.

EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 17:43

Thosepeskyseagulls · 07/07/2023 17:42

Honestly I would say go for it. As long as you enjoy having sex with him and you’re not lying to him, everything else sounds pretty great to be honest.

Well she is lying to him. And she doesn't enjoy having sex with him.

Nothing sounds great about this set up and it has disaster written all over it.

Parky04 · 07/07/2023 17:43

Yeah, marry him for his money. You will have an affair shortly after.

Mirabai · 07/07/2023 17:43

What do you mean by ‘love’ - there’s different kinds and definitions.

If you say you have a “lot of love for him” how is that different to loving someone?

Perhaps you’ve confused the desire-based thrill and drama you had with your ex for love.

Thosepeskyseagulls · 07/07/2023 17:44

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:31

OK a lot to go on here, thank you ladies for insightful comments both critical and supportive. They're all helpful. I'll respond to what I can remember:

  • he is extremely handsome in the face but doesn't keep himself in shape. Honestly I worry that if he got fit then I'd be fighting other women off. So I am attracted to him and do fancy him at times
  • sex was great at the start but feel myself pulling back now and he is displaying some sex pest behaviour.
  • yes I agree with those that say my view of my ex and "love" are not healthy. Yes I grew up in a house with violence but they stayed together and he grew out of it.
  • I treat him extremely well, he's been treated badly in the past, he thinks my nurturing caring side is lovely
  • our goals in life are very aligned. He wants to support me to reach the highest heights too
  • to the poster that said it's a red flag for him to want me to be a SAHM, it's me that wants that. I've watched everybody about me have to hand their kids over at 12 months and I don't judge it but I don't want it!

No judgement to anyone, but I thought I would want to be a SAHM mum too and I am soooo much happier back at work. So just be sure he will support you either way as you may change your mind.

JamesBlonde007 · 07/07/2023 17:44

I think you’re actually trauma bonded to the person you can the “LOYL”

I know because I’ve been there, and it’s like a craving; a never satisfied and constantly irritating itch.

Now is the time where you either let this fantasy go and embrace your potential life partner and future OR you scratch the itch and run after the past, making yourself inevitably miserable in the long term. If the LOYL wanted to be with you - he would!

it’s a head vs heart thing but only you can decide.

sending hugs - this is hard and I truly empathise.💞

EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 17:45

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

And by the way, this is certainly the route to massive unhappiness.

At the moment it's just the two of you. (And how long are you together?)

If you have kids, consistency is the thing - earning well but inconsistently, while you are being a SAHM is a nightmare.

The whole relationship sounds really unbalanced.

And you sound like you need to figure out career and what you want - as you say that you chased a career but it has been a non-starter - it doesn't have to be, you can address that.

Clarinet1 · 07/07/2023 17:46

Initially I was going to say that this might work and the practical side is important but your later post about not always fancying him and sex pest behaviour has turned me around. It makes me think that either he may end up frustrated if he does not find your sexual relationship satisfactory (not blaming you but it could happen and, within reason, we are all entitled to our own level of desire) or you might meet someone who really turns your head. Also, if there were a split after you had children, there could be a lot if issues about residency etc.

Mirabai · 07/07/2023 17:46

Just noticed I missed this - “he is displaying some sex pest behaviour”

Step away that will never end well.

Almahart · 07/07/2023 17:47

'displays sex pest behaviour'? I wouldn't marry someone of whom I could say this. You're not long into this relationship, this does not bode well.

Mirabai · 07/07/2023 17:47

Clarinet1 · 07/07/2023 17:46

Initially I was going to say that this might work and the practical side is important but your later post about not always fancying him and sex pest behaviour has turned me around. It makes me think that either he may end up frustrated if he does not find your sexual relationship satisfactory (not blaming you but it could happen and, within reason, we are all entitled to our own level of desire) or you might meet someone who really turns your head. Also, if there were a split after you had children, there could be a lot if issues about residency etc.

Snap.

BartholemewHolmes · 07/07/2023 17:47

I think your biggest potential issue is sex and the behaviour around that

It sounds out of kilter already

Sickofchangingmyfuckingusername · 07/07/2023 17:47

Marry him, quick as a flash. The love of my life is nowhere to be seen now. I am sure it could last a lifetime, unless kids, finance, and life wear you down and put pressure on the relationship.
The sex is a problem though. Why are you pulling back? Have you got the ick?

HappyasLarrynot · 07/07/2023 17:48

Don’t do it. Totally unfair on him, unless you have told him all of this and he has accepted that you don’t love him but would like the lifestyle that he can provide.

stayathomer · 07/07/2023 17:51

I’m only 43 but the last few years health and family wise (a lot of unexpected bereavement) have thrown a lot at us and I honestly think it’s love that keeps you going in a relationship when the hard times roll in.

As much as this though, do you make each other laugh, can you always find something to talk about? Do you pick up on the other having a bad day and want to help? And a huge question- what if you don’t have children?

Carouselfish · 07/07/2023 17:51

Yes, OP, go for it. It's a much better situation than many, many people are in. And you don't know you won't fall in love later. I think you would really regret it if you didn't.
A lot of people here will take some sort of moral highground and say it's not fair to him BUT there is always one party who loves more in a relationship and for the objectors, it's probably them!
Life isn't a Disney movie and at a certain point, people compromise on things. Some people compromise by getting tangled up with utter morons who treat them like crap, some people compromise by being with people they love and fancy but who they know are a useless liability, some people stay with people hoping they'll change, some people stay with people because they are financially stuck or scared of being alone.
I'm willing to bet, the majority of people who say, don't do it, have made one of those compromises themselves and the minority are in an equal partnership, deeply in love.

TheresBoozeInTheBlender · 07/07/2023 17:53

He's a sex pest
You don't love him
He thinks women should stay at home and be protected
You're also repeating sexist tropes like women "hand their kids over at 12 months" Hmm and women might fall all over him if he wasn't so fat 🤣
You grew up in a violent household and think your turbulent relationship previously was "love"
You've no ambition to be able to support yourself and a child.

Mate, don't marry him. And don't have kids with anyone yet. You're not ready.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 07/07/2023 17:53

I've been a stay at home mum, but I am attracted to and in love with my husband. When you are in the trenches with young children, your confidence and sense of identity can take a massive hit, especially when you aren't working outside of the home. I can't imagine being in that situation, then feeling pressure to sleep with a sex pest husband you are not attracted to in order to keep your lifestyle the roof over your head. It would be an awful way to live.

PomegranateRose · 07/07/2023 17:53

HappyasLarrynot · 07/07/2023 17:48

Don’t do it. Totally unfair on him, unless you have told him all of this and he has accepted that you don’t love him but would like the lifestyle that he can provide.

Precisely this. A "transactional"/strategic marriage can work if you're both on the same page and happy with that, but only if everyone knows that going into it, and even then that can change over time or heads can turn if/when a more "real" love comes along, for lack of a better description. Even if everyone is on board, I'd go into it with some sort of safety net for myself.

I'm all for playing life strategically, but it's not fair to do it with someone who has no clue, and it's really not great for kids to grow up with as their model of marriage/long term relationships either.

Landndialamrhf · 07/07/2023 17:54

He deserves someone that loves him

but i also think you should go to therapy and figure out why you don’t love a man who loves you and you have love for and presumably like and are attracted to - assuming there’s nothing weird you’re not telling us about him.
but you do love a man, who you say you had a disastrous relationship with, and you still call him the love of your life?
do you just like the chaos maybe? You say there was violence at home as a child, are you confusing familiarity and instability for chemistry and passion?