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Original poster

To marry a man I'm not in love with

578 replies

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:00

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

OP posts:
fridaynight1 · 07/07/2023 17:55

BrokenBonesStixStones · 07/07/2023 17:17

This exactly

Show quote history

I agree.
There are many different ways of loving someone and ‘being in love’ is just one of them. I think it’s over rated. You can love someone without all the heart fluttery stuff. What’s worse - being married to the love of your life who treats you like shit. What kind of life would that be? Or being married to someone who someone who loves you.
It sounds to me like you have found your man.

Zanatdy · 07/07/2023 17:55

Don’t do it

EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 17:56

Carouselfish · 07/07/2023 17:51

Yes, OP, go for it. It's a much better situation than many, many people are in. And you don't know you won't fall in love later. I think you would really regret it if you didn't.
A lot of people here will take some sort of moral highground and say it's not fair to him BUT there is always one party who loves more in a relationship and for the objectors, it's probably them!
Life isn't a Disney movie and at a certain point, people compromise on things. Some people compromise by getting tangled up with utter morons who treat them like crap, some people compromise by being with people they love and fancy but who they know are a useless liability, some people stay with people hoping they'll change, some people stay with people because they are financially stuck or scared of being alone.
I'm willing to bet, the majority of people who say, don't do it, have made one of those compromises themselves and the minority are in an equal partnership, deeply in love.

I really don't want to be insulting but this is a really really stupid post.

It isn't a 'better situation'. Their relationship isn't founded in any kind of reality. He earns well but sporadically. He's from another country where one appeal is they can take long holidays there. He's idealising OP, suggesting that she become a SAHM (so dependent on his erratic income). She doesn't find him attractive. She's withdrawing from sex. She sees him as a sex pest.

JFC.

This is a 'better situation'?

Of course there are different forms of love but any relationship needs shared values, and goals; attraction; honest communication. OP has none of these.

EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 17:57

@fridaynight1

She has not 'found her man'. How long precisely do you think a relationship can survive where only 1 person loves the other? At some point, if other things don't go wrong first, he will be resentful of not being loved equally and rejected sexually.

Theonlyreason · 07/07/2023 17:58

Love is calm, steady, easy…. You’re old relationship just sounded like a codependent one. Maybe have therapy.

Original poster
Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:59

Bit harsh but fair!

OP posts:
ProfessorXtra · 07/07/2023 17:59

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:31

OK a lot to go on here, thank you ladies for insightful comments both critical and supportive. They're all helpful. I'll respond to what I can remember:

  • he is extremely handsome in the face but doesn't keep himself in shape. Honestly I worry that if he got fit then I'd be fighting other women off. So I am attracted to him and do fancy him at times
  • sex was great at the start but feel myself pulling back now and he is displaying some sex pest behaviour.
  • yes I agree with those that say my view of my ex and "love" are not healthy. Yes I grew up in a house with violence but they stayed together and he grew out of it.
  • I treat him extremely well, he's been treated badly in the past, he thinks my nurturing caring side is lovely
  • our goals in life are very aligned. He wants to support me to reach the highest heights too
  • to the poster that said it's a red flag for him to want me to be a SAHM, it's me that wants that. I've watched everybody about me have to hand their kids over at 12 months and I don't judge it but I don't want it!

Wtf?

You would be miserable

MysteryBelle · 07/07/2023 17:59

Basically you’re marrying him to get a cushy life with a placid and tolerable partner.

He deserves a person who is in love with him and whom he loves.

You also deserve a person who is in love with you and whom you love.

I wouldn’t do it if I were you. You’ll have everything except romantic love and based on the information you’ve given us, deep down you won’t really be happy unless you have that.

You’re not one of those cold blooded emotionless women who marry for money and security and are perfectly happy. You are responding out of being hurt by the last relationship.

It will end in divorce. The last guy wasn’t for you, now you’ve swung the pendulum to the opposite side and the new guy isn’t for you either.

Seamsthesame · 07/07/2023 17:59

Loads of my friends "earn well but sporadically" and have happy marriages and children.

It's just how it is in certain industries, especially ones where the work is predominantly outdoors and at the mercy of the weather. They just have to plan ahead financially. There are plenty of people with full time contracts PAYE who are financially incompetent with debt up to their eyeballs.

WomblingTree86 · 07/07/2023 18:00

The issue is that you don't fancy him. That's not going to get better and it's not fair on him to marry him. I think you're being really selfish.

ThreeRingCircus · 07/07/2023 18:00

I married the "sensible option." 12 years down the line he is still kind, trustworthy, hardworking and a great father to our two DDs. The lust isn't there like it was with my volatile ex (I was completely obsessed with him) but I enjoy sex with DH and life is far more stable, happier and calm than it would have been with my ex. I still feel like I made the right choice by "settling."

However.....you say he's a sex pest? Don't do it.

MysteryBelle · 07/07/2023 18:01

Think about feeling like you have to have sex with him because he’s so nice to you. Yuck.

Original poster
Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 18:01

To be clear he's forever telling me to reacg the highest heights of my career and that we'll be a partnership when a baby comes along. It's me that told him I want to be a SAHM when they're young.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 18:02

Seamsthesame · 07/07/2023 17:59

Loads of my friends "earn well but sporadically" and have happy marriages and children.

It's just how it is in certain industries, especially ones where the work is predominantly outdoors and at the mercy of the weather. They just have to plan ahead financially. There are plenty of people with full time contracts PAYE who are financially incompetent with debt up to their eyeballs.

True. But it's an extra dimension to have to plan. It's certainly a source of stress that has to be managed - his sporadic earnings, with her SAHM plans, and not loving him into the bargain.

EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 18:03

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 18:01

To be clear he's forever telling me to reacg the highest heights of my career and that we'll be a partnership when a baby comes along. It's me that told him I want to be a SAHM when they're young.

But you say your career is going nowhere?

You seem to be deluding yourself.

An unhappy but easy relationship won't solve the other issues you face.

Meagainso · 07/07/2023 18:03

I work full time, husband retired. I watch coronation street, emmerdale every night ( lol sorry) he is passively aggressive on my watching them , ie your telly , load of rubbish etc. Last night I wanted to watch Andy Murray , a lot of tutting, shaking of head. I asked whats wrong , he said nothing! I must admit I said I am sick of this as he stormed off shouting abuse watch it then! I went upstairs and down loaded stv player while he sat with TV off! Help !

PostOpOp · 07/07/2023 18:03

Aah OP. You need to want to be with him if he's poor. If he loses his ability to provide financially and you have to work instead, what would be the point in being with him? Would the love you have be enough? Really?

This is why quite a few wealthy people don't let their wealth be known when dating: they need to be sure the other party actually loves them and joy their lifestyle.

You're basically saying that if you had a career that had picked up, then you'd not be with him.

Remember though, more than anything, that money is power in a relationship, especially one that's not equal to start off with. If you have no income and he has one, then you're tying your entire future to him, including pension. This automatically puts you on the back foot in many difficult situations.

Get a job you enjoy and then see if you want to remain with him.

EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 18:04

Meagainso · 07/07/2023 18:03

I work full time, husband retired. I watch coronation street, emmerdale every night ( lol sorry) he is passively aggressive on my watching them , ie your telly , load of rubbish etc. Last night I wanted to watch Andy Murray , a lot of tutting, shaking of head. I asked whats wrong , he said nothing! I must admit I said I am sick of this as he stormed off shouting abuse watch it then! I went upstairs and down loaded stv player while he sat with TV off! Help !

You need to start a new thread for answers @Meagainso

Coyoacan · 07/07/2023 18:04

As long as the sexual attraction is there, go for it

EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 18:04

Coyoacan · 07/07/2023 18:04

As long as the sexual attraction is there, go for it

You haven't read the full thread, have you?

Maia77 · 07/07/2023 18:05

It's all good unless you marry him and then it turns out he's not who you thought him to be. Then there won't be much left there. So basically I wouldn't rush into getting married to him. Maybe he's being really great because he can sense that you're not that into him, so he's pulling all the stops and once you marry he might turn into a different person, someone quite traditional, who might want you stay at home with kids etc. Don't rush.

Noicant · 07/07/2023 18:06

I was going to say similar to pp about confusing volatility with passion. My marriage has settled into a quiet reliable love. It’s quiet but it runs deep, I feel very happy and lucky.

BUUUUUUUT sex pest!? Fuck that, I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life being pawed at.

Basilandparsleyandmint · 07/07/2023 18:06

I would do it and focus on being happy, he sounds lovely and love can grow but only you know if you can be in intimate if you can’t then it’s a non starter.

GirloutofAfrica · 07/07/2023 18:06

You enjoy each other's company and have mutual respect. That sounds like love. Crazy fighting sounds like infatuation, however if you do not enjoy the intimacy then leave well alone.

vivainsomnia · 07/07/2023 18:07

Why asking here? If you are true to yourself, ask him if he still wants to marry you despite you not being in love with him.

If you can't do that, then you know he wouldn't continue the relationship and you'll marry him in false pretences. You won't harry him, you'll marry what he gives you.