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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to cook?

292 replies

BumbleBee2023 · 07/07/2023 14:11

Probably a really petty AIBU for a Friday afternoon but hey ho!

My MIL comes round most days for dinner, She'll happily eat whatever DH cooks but when I cook for her I get constant complaints.
"You haven't used enough salt." "I don't like eating that anymore. It doesn't taste the same these days." Etc.
The other day I cooked a big roast dinner and used plenty of salt and pepper as I knew she'd complain.. for her not to even eat it. Just looked at it and told me there wasn't enough salt and threw it in the bin in front of me!

I've told DH I'm no longer cooking for her as I find it rude & a waste of food.
AIBU? To just not dish her any food up and eat my meal in front of her?

OP posts:
hot2trotter · 08/07/2023 07:58

She would point blank never step foot in my house again. What a nasty piece of work. And your husband sounds like a complete wet lettuce.

Meeting · 08/07/2023 08:14

BumbleBee2023 · 07/07/2023 14:34

Oh no, he did say "bumblebee this tastes great. One of the best meals you've cooked." Right in front of her.

I was a bit to shocked at the time to say anything. Never had anyone actually throw my cooking away, not even my dc do that!

Show quote history

So no, he didn't back you up or call her out on it. You must be scared of her because I'd have told her to get fucked.

JenniferBarkley · 08/07/2023 08:18

Really this needs a frank conversation about manners and respect.

If you want a tit for tat, I would serve up a delicious dinner to everyone bar her. Then explain to the table as a whole that MIL won't be eating today as she doesn't like your food, and she won't be eating in your house until she finds her manners. All very cool. You have the power here since you have the food.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 08/07/2023 08:22

I would never ever cook for her again.

Like other posters have said, cook a lovely meal for your family and serve her a cheap ready meal

LaLoose · 08/07/2023 08:26

This is a power play.

The act of making food for the family = love. She threw it in the bin (in front of everybody?). That's a pretty clear signal. Be as clear in return. Gather yourself and reply in your own terms.

I know it's easy to say as an outsider, but this really is abuse.

Everyone on this site is quick to say 'it's a DH problem'. They are not wrong. However, take your husband out of the equation and negotiate with this woman on human terms. You have to be strong for you and for the children. Break the cycle. He won't do it for you. He probably can't. He has been conditioned. Don't let it go on for another generation.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 08/07/2023 08:29

Here you go:

To refuse to cook?
Mikimoto · 08/07/2023 08:30

"DO help yourself to whatever you want" /
"DH, DO give your mother whatever she wants"

OP puts feet up and watches Friends repeats

AgentJohnson · 08/07/2023 08:33

This isn’t a cultural thing!!!!! Can you imagine the message you are sending to your children by putting up with this shit.

This is a powerplay and she’s winning. Tell your lame ass H that rude, ungrateful and ill mannered people are not welcome in your home. His inability to prioritise his wife and children above this woman’s tantruming is disappointing and speaks volumes about him as a man.

Imisssleep2 · 08/07/2023 08:39

Not unreasonable to refuse to cook for her but bit mean to then just eat in front of her. It sounds personal to me. I would test this by making something, but pretend your husband has cooked it, get him to dish it up, and see what happens, when she says it's lovely and eats it all, tell her you cooked it and she is welcome will prove the issue is with you not your cooking.

Emotionalsupportviper · 08/07/2023 08:39

Daffodilsandbees · 07/07/2023 14:15

Why can’t she just add salt to her plate, and keep her rude comments to herself. Definitely not unreasonable to refuse to cook for her. You can probably think of some phrases like “I’m cooking tonight MIL, so I’ll let you get your own dinner later at home as I know you don’t like my lasagne”

Yep!

Adding salt at the table is better anyway - that way you know how much salt you are ingesting and aren't taking in hidden quantities in food.

Tell her to make herself a sandwich.

Or the next time she eats your husband's food say "He didn't put any salt/ put 3 tbs of salt in - so is that how you like it?"

But no - never cook for the ungrateful, ill-mannered cow her again.

I'd give my eye teeth for someone to make me a meal. Any meal. Beans on toast. A tin of soup. Cheese and f*cking crackers.

Anything I didn't have to prepare myself.

Emotionalsupportviper · 08/07/2023 08:40

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 08/07/2023 08:29

Here you go:

LOL! 😂

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/07/2023 08:43

Some of these responses are very funny. If it takes regularly asserting yourself to keep her in line, I don’t think that is a bad thing. Personally I would want to put a stop to dinners. Full stop. To leave a large gap of a few months then perhaps invite her for lunch every now and then.

I don’t think you’re at this place atm. I particularly like the picnic suggestion and suggest you do it every time it is your turn to cook. Plate up leftovers for your dh if needed. He can then decide what to do with his mum. He’s the issue here after all as he’s refusing to stand up to her.

katepilar · 08/07/2023 08:45

LaylaLjungberg · 07/07/2023 14:39

Be brave. Stand up for yourself and just ask her what her problem is.

She wont know what the problem is. I think its just general anger and frustration in her life that she is venting this way. These people dont usually realise what is going on.

I assume her son is also shocked and doesnt know what to do, which I am not surprised about.

Catastrophejane · 08/07/2023 08:48

BumbleBee2023 · 07/07/2023 14:37

Cultural thing. Think I may become an atheist and disown my culture to put a stop to the visits!

Show quote history

I can’t believe the shit that people get away with under the guise of ‘cultural differences’

Having been part of a multicultural family I can say that maybe in 1% of cases, there’s a genuinely different perspective on an issue due to culture.

But 99% of these cultural misunderstandings are bullshit and just an excuse for rudeness.

am guessing she’s from a culture where great value is held in the wife’s ability to cook? In that case, she’s being even more offensive. And also guessing this culture is sexist and misogynistic ( aren’t they all?!) and she feels the need to exercise dominance as the mother of the ‘head’ of the household and put you in your place?

what a cunt. Don’t cook for her again, and don’t let your husband do it either. This needs a united front.

Brefugee · 08/07/2023 08:49

BumbleBee2023 · 07/07/2023 15:56

She would throw the mother of all hissy fits, I've said it to her before and she'll behave herself for a while and it starts again.

Show quote history

So? I'd keep saying it.
And also never cook for her.
And frankly? cultural? it is not cultural to be rude to people.

Curseofthenation · 08/07/2023 08:50

It sounds like she's jealous that your DH loves your cooking. It seems weird that she took it up a notch after he said it was the best meal you had made!

Cultural or not, surely your DH would back you in giving MIL the old heave ho? You could suggest she comes round for coffee instead if needed.

Nsky62 · 08/07/2023 08:53

We all have likes and dislikes this just rude, I hope your husband spoke to her

Soubriquet · 08/07/2023 08:54

To be honest, I think you need to have a go. Who cares if she throws a hissy fit? Just means she won’t come round again.

Your dh needs to have a word and tell her to stop being so rude.

Next meal, I would do a lovely meal for you and your family, but stick a microwaved one in for her. Make it clear you aren’t going to pander to her. Or give her fuck all

Cakesandbabes · 08/07/2023 08:57

Can you say which culture? Because if I am guessing the religion properly, you have gpod comeback and can get on a high horse a bit

BitOutOfPractice · 08/07/2023 08:59

Your mother is rude.

Your husband is pathetic

Pansypotter123 · 08/07/2023 09:02

Send her the bill for all the wasted meals - How dare she!

nettie434 · 08/07/2023 09:08

Imisssleep2 · 08/07/2023 08:39

Not unreasonable to refuse to cook for her but bit mean to then just eat in front of her. It sounds personal to me. I would test this by making something, but pretend your husband has cooked it, get him to dish it up, and see what happens, when she says it's lovely and eats it all, tell her you cooked it and she is welcome will prove the issue is with you not your cooking.

Inspired idea! Bumblebee23's MIL is very rude but I'd find it even more frustrating that she praises her son's cooking while rejecting her DIL's. It's all about the drama - hence throwing her meal in the bin instead of simply putting her plate to one side - and creating discord.

OhwhyOY · 08/07/2023 09:11

DH needs to beyond saying your food is nice and tell his mother her behavior is unacceptable. If she continues to behave like that, she's not welcome in your home, she cannot treat his wife so disrespectfully.

LadyLapsang · 08/07/2023 09:15

How is her health if she is consuming a lot of salt? Does she have raised blood pressure? It’s much healthier not to cook with salt.

Iamnotalemming · 08/07/2023 09:16

Tell her since she clearly has dietary requirements that cannot be satisfied you won't be serving her anything. She needs to bring her own food or eat in her own home.