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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to cook?

292 replies

BumbleBee2023 · 07/07/2023 14:11

Probably a really petty AIBU for a Friday afternoon but hey ho!

My MIL comes round most days for dinner, She'll happily eat whatever DH cooks but when I cook for her I get constant complaints.
"You haven't used enough salt." "I don't like eating that anymore. It doesn't taste the same these days." Etc.
The other day I cooked a big roast dinner and used plenty of salt and pepper as I knew she'd complain.. for her not to even eat it. Just looked at it and told me there wasn't enough salt and threw it in the bin in front of me!

I've told DH I'm no longer cooking for her as I find it rude & a waste of food.
AIBU? To just not dish her any food up and eat my meal in front of her?

OP posts:
Ladysmirnoff1 · 09/07/2023 18:40

I would put am empty plate down in front of her then put the salt pot in the middle of the plate with a full tub of salt next to it.
Then i would just carry on as normal.....
Tell your hubby to man up & tell her that her behaviour is out of order and to apologise to you.

AllyArty · 09/07/2023 18:44

i dunno which is worse - the fact that she eats with you every day or the fact that she is so rude. Your DH needs to take her aside and tell her to apologies to you and to treat you with the same respect that she shows him. Strikes me that she is jealous of you and out to undermine u. You deserve better.

Ponderingwindow · 09/07/2023 18:47

I no longer cook for my own DH because he can’t avoid providing “helpful” comments about my food. In fairness to him, he hyper analyzes his own cooking as well, but the solution to saving our marriage was that I don’t cook for him.

if I can avoid cooking for my own husband for nearly 20 years, you can definitely stop cooking for your MIL

muttley68 · 09/07/2023 18:47

You could buy her a bottle of her favourite drink next birthday and stick enough salt in it to mimic the Dead Sea

DGay · 09/07/2023 19:00

BumbleBee2023 · 08/07/2023 12:50

I don't know what the obsession with salt is, she's in her 50s and makes out she's going to die in the next 5-10 years.
Feel like saying to her next time she brings it up, Well no shit Sherlock if you cover everything in salt. Confused
Sorry woke up angry today. Grin

Next time she says next 5-10 years, ask her if she can change that to 1-2 years or less.

StellaJohanna · 09/07/2023 19:02

You said you think that she hates you. If that's the case, why is she in your home eating with you every evening? How suffocating, and how cruel of her to throw food in the bin that you have worked hard to make. Perhaps she is jealous of you because you took her darling little Prince away from her.

Stillcantbebothered · 09/07/2023 19:09

BumbleBee2023 · 07/07/2023 14:11

Probably a really petty AIBU for a Friday afternoon but hey ho!

My MIL comes round most days for dinner, She'll happily eat whatever DH cooks but when I cook for her I get constant complaints.
"You haven't used enough salt." "I don't like eating that anymore. It doesn't taste the same these days." Etc.
The other day I cooked a big roast dinner and used plenty of salt and pepper as I knew she'd complain.. for her not to even eat it. Just looked at it and told me there wasn't enough salt and threw it in the bin in front of me!

I've told DH I'm no longer cooking for her as I find it rude & a waste of food.
AIBU? To just not dish her any food up and eat my meal in front of her?

Your husband is an idiot if he watches her do all that including throwing your food in the bin and he doesn’t say anything to her.

Tribblesarelovely · 09/07/2023 19:20

Your DH is the problem here.

Elderflower14 · 09/07/2023 19:20

Ladysmirnoff1 · 09/07/2023 18:40

I would put am empty plate down in front of her then put the salt pot in the middle of the plate with a full tub of salt next to it.
Then i would just carry on as normal.....
Tell your hubby to man up & tell her that her behaviour is out of order and to apologise to you.

Brilliant... Do this!!

Ilovecleaning · 09/07/2023 19:39

Bloody weird situation all round…

Myfabby · 09/07/2023 19:40

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 07/07/2023 14:44

She threw away a whole plateful of food in the bin, in front of your DC?

What kind of lesson do you think this is teaching your kids?

Did you not say "there are starving children in Africa MIL, and you just threw away a plate of perfectly good food instead of putting a bit of salt on it to meet your tastes?"

She would not be coming to my house again unless she apologised to me, in front of the DC, and explained what a stupid, wasteful and rude thing she did and how she would never, ever do it again.

No apology, no entrance to your house. Who cooks the dinner is the least of your problems here.

What a rude woman.

there are starving children in london.

Rosejasmine · 09/07/2023 19:41

I take it you and your dh - or maybe just your dh - are going to have a little word with her about this?

she’s either an ungrateful, rude and spiteful woman having a tantrum or there is something really wrong with her brain and she’s not well. It’s not behaviour that you should ignore or encourage either way.

PurpleButterflyWings · 09/07/2023 19:49

Once again we have a story about a woman being treated like SHIT by their husband's mother, and the husband doing FUCK ALL about it. Confused I have to say, I don't know of a real life couple where the husband would sit back and let his mother treat the love of his life/the mother of his children like shit, mock her cooking, demean her, and make her feel bad. Every man I know would go batshit at his mother.

Some women on here know some very weak and spineless men. Why is your DH so scared of his mother @BumbleBee2023

Buffs · 09/07/2023 19:52

YANBU

TedEsMum · 09/07/2023 20:06

What does DH say when she behaves like this? He needs to have a talk with MIL about her attitude, not YOU. She's not going to listen to you, so give this situation to him to deal with and let the consequences be on him.

CelestiaNoctis · 09/07/2023 20:11

I wouldn't even have her over or speak to her. That is unfathomably rude, dear lord.

Hayliebells · 09/07/2023 20:16

I know you say it's cultural, but I honestly couldn't live like that. To have a daily visitor who obviously hates you, and is rude to you, even if my DH stuck up for me, I don't think I could put up with that. I would expect my DH to not allow her to visit, but we don't have the same cultural expectations, so I get why that's hard. I don't think I could ever really be happy though, so I'd either have to avoid MIL in some way, maybe retreat to a different part of the house whenever she visits, or divorce the DH. There's something to be said for a non-cohabiting marriage, I gather that for some people it works really well! Tricky if there's children though, at least until they're older. Honestly I think anything is better than daily interaction with a MIL like that, so no solution would be too extreme in order to avoid it!

Hayliebells · 09/07/2023 20:20

Rosejasmine · 09/07/2023 19:41

I take it you and your dh - or maybe just your dh - are going to have a little word with her about this?

she’s either an ungrateful, rude and spiteful woman having a tantrum or there is something really wrong with her brain and she’s not well. It’s not behaviour that you should ignore or encourage either way.

If only a "little word" would be enough. Having known a few similarly toxic relatives, they never really change. They might be nicer for a bit, but they always revert back to type. I think the only actual solution is to have no contact with her, however that can be engineered.

Sewingdufus · 09/07/2023 20:33

BumbleBee2023 · 08/07/2023 11:37

Well she came over yesterday.
I didn't plate her any food. Just sat at the table with dc and ate my own.
She had the cheek to complain to DH who told her that she was rude the other day about my cooking and I don't want to cook for her if she's like that.
She grumbled and moaned about it, and then plated herself some that was left over (small toddler portion) and ate it and didn't say a word.

I just can't win.

Actually I think that’s a significant win.

She didn’t have her usual meal, had to serve herself and only got a small portion. I would keep doing what you did that night until she makes a proper apology and meanwhile enjoy her arkwardness!

JustMe829 · 09/07/2023 20:33

BumbleBee2023 · 08/07/2023 11:37

Well she came over yesterday.
I didn't plate her any food. Just sat at the table with dc and ate my own.
She had the cheek to complain to DH who told her that she was rude the other day about my cooking and I don't want to cook for her if she's like that.
She grumbled and moaned about it, and then plated herself some that was left over (small toddler portion) and ate it and didn't say a word.

I just can't win.

That is a win! Let her plate her own portion from now on. If she steps out of line in the least, tell her to behave and have your husband lecture her again.

The fact you didn't recognise this as a win tells me your perception has become skewed. Lastly, it’s not about your cooking: it’s about you not being good enough for her son. That’s why she bullies you. Don’t let her ever again.

FedUpWithEverything123 · 09/07/2023 20:36

I don't think I'd let her in my house, or else I certainly wouldn't be there if did come over. Horrible rude old bat.

Madamum18 · 09/07/2023 20:55

BumbleBee2023 · 08/07/2023 11:37

Well she came over yesterday.
I didn't plate her any food. Just sat at the table with dc and ate my own.
She had the cheek to complain to DH who told her that she was rude the other day about my cooking and I don't want to cook for her if she's like that.
She grumbled and moaned about it, and then plated herself some that was left over (small toddler portion) and ate it and didn't say a word.

I just can't win.

I think that was a perfect response to her behaviour especially as your husband totally supported you. Just stick at it and make no comment at all. She will learn or not but commenting feeds her ability to be even more rude. Indifferent ignoring does not!

JustAnotherManicMomday · 09/07/2023 21:33

I would just tell her too much salt is bad for her. Your monitoring her sodium intake. That or pour the whole salt pot on her food, tell her it should be salty enough.lol

On a serious note not unreasonable she's bloody rude.

LePetitChat · 09/07/2023 22:01

You said she makes out she’s going to die in te next few years… hurry it along a bit. Plate up for you and the family and give her a pack of ready salted crisps and the salt cellar.

Ukrainebaby23 · 09/07/2023 22:13

How rude, its not about the waste of good, it's about the rudeness and uncivilised behaviour. And in front of DC? What respect is mil showing you?

Think I'd say, I'm cooking xxx but as you won't like it did you want to bring your own dinner.