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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to cook?

292 replies

BumbleBee2023 · 07/07/2023 14:11

Probably a really petty AIBU for a Friday afternoon but hey ho!

My MIL comes round most days for dinner, She'll happily eat whatever DH cooks but when I cook for her I get constant complaints.
"You haven't used enough salt." "I don't like eating that anymore. It doesn't taste the same these days." Etc.
The other day I cooked a big roast dinner and used plenty of salt and pepper as I knew she'd complain.. for her not to even eat it. Just looked at it and told me there wasn't enough salt and threw it in the bin in front of me!

I've told DH I'm no longer cooking for her as I find it rude & a waste of food.
AIBU? To just not dish her any food up and eat my meal in front of her?

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 08/07/2023 10:21

Your DH needs to show YOU the respect you deserve in order for your MIL to get it. The ONLY way she will stop is if DH is zero-tolerance. MILs like this don't want to lose their precious sons and she will resent you for it, but so what.

A conversation or note or email or text or whatever from him (but ideally a conversation) along the lines of:

I will not tolerate you disrespecting Bumblebee like that ever again. I am horrified and ashamed by your rudeness and you will apologise to Bumble for throwing a perfectly delicious meal into the bin. Furthermore, the lessons you are teaching our DC are not acceptable and if you can't behave in front of them, you will not be enjoying their company.

Nothing less than this.

EwwSprouts · 08/07/2023 10:40

Your DH must make her apologise to you. You need to be clear you both won't tolerate this type of behaviour. She was downright obnoxious.

Silene · 08/07/2023 10:46

Just incredible. I love my dil dearly, and she is a great cook, but even if she wasn't I could never dream of hurting her feelings or being so disrespectful and unkind.

LadyShimura · 08/07/2023 10:59

I'd go the other way. I'd cook everytime, but not dish her up any food.

Just dump a single slice of bread and the salt in front of her.

Rude cow.

SayHi · 08/07/2023 11:05

I think I’d carry on cooking for her but if cook what you and DH like and only to yours and DH’s taste.

If she doesn’t like it (which you know she won’t) then I’d just say “oh dear” and carry on enjoying my food, whilst she’s sat there hungry.

I’d make some comments about how these are the best potatoes you’ve ever tasted and some passive aggressive comments about how you’re glad it’s not too salty as eating healthy is so important.

What happens after she’s thrown the food in the bin?
Does she just sit there and watch you eat?
Or expect more food cooked for her?

I would let her know in advance that it’s up to her if she comes but if she doesn’t like the food then you’re not going to cook her anything else and she can have a bowl of cereal instead.

For most people in this situation I’d instantly ban them from all meals in my home but tbh she’s been so rude that I’d have to be petty back and show that the only person she’s affecting is herself as she’s making herself go hungry.

tt9 · 08/07/2023 11:23

clearly she is on a mission to undermine you in front of your DH. maybe she feels jealous that your DH enjoys your cooking? maybe MIL really enjoyed having her son love her cooking and feels insecure that he now enjoys your cooking just as much (or more). Maybe ask DH to have a gentle chat with her?

huntingcunting · 08/07/2023 11:23

Stand up and take her plate away every time she complains and say, "There's cereal in the cupboard" or "There's toast".
Every single time.

Parvolax · 08/07/2023 11:30

There is no culture where people come round for dinner every night and throw it away. Like others have said, cultures evolve and the only way they can evolve is by people have the strength to call out poor behaviour.

Original poster
BumbleBee2023 · 08/07/2023 11:37

Well she came over yesterday.
I didn't plate her any food. Just sat at the table with dc and ate my own.
She had the cheek to complain to DH who told her that she was rude the other day about my cooking and I don't want to cook for her if she's like that.
She grumbled and moaned about it, and then plated herself some that was left over (small toddler portion) and ate it and didn't say a word.

I just can't win.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 08/07/2023 11:38

Present her with a sandwich whilst everyone else has meal you cooked

Littlemissprosecco · 08/07/2023 11:41

BumbleBee2023 · 08/07/2023 11:37

Well she came over yesterday.
I didn't plate her any food. Just sat at the table with dc and ate my own.
She had the cheek to complain to DH who told her that she was rude the other day about my cooking and I don't want to cook for her if she's like that.
She grumbled and moaned about it, and then plated herself some that was left over (small toddler portion) and ate it and didn't say a word.

I just can't win.

I think you’ll find you did win!💕

Meeting · 08/07/2023 11:45

I would consider that a huge win OP.

She now knows that her rude behaviour won't be tolerated and that if she wants to be fed then she needs to be polite at the very least, even if she's unappreciative.

Cakesandbabes · 08/07/2023 11:46

BumbleBee2023 · 08/07/2023 11:37

Well she came over yesterday.
I didn't plate her any food. Just sat at the table with dc and ate my own.
She had the cheek to complain to DH who told her that she was rude the other day about my cooking and I don't want to cook for her if she's like that.
She grumbled and moaned about it, and then plated herself some that was left over (small toddler portion) and ate it and didn't say a word.

I just can't win.

That's a win tho.
She eat some and knows to behave abit now. Keep on it

Imogensmumma · 08/07/2023 11:47

Well done keep doing that

You absolutely won

she is really rude, and a horrible role model of behaviour for your kids so even if she has a hissy fit stand up for yourself. Remember you will never treat your future DIL like that so don’t take it from your MIL

JulieHoney · 08/07/2023 11:49

That is a win, @BumbleBee2023.

Keep at it. Don’t dish her up anything. She was rude, you no longer serve her dinner.

Newyearnewmeow · 08/07/2023 11:51

Oh you won alright OP and she didn’t have a go at you because she knows you are right.
Keep doing that and don’t ever feel bad about it.

nettie434 · 08/07/2023 11:55

I just can't win.

I'd call that a win. A very convincing one!

MrsMarzetti · 08/07/2023 11:57

Tell the rude mare that as she complains about everything you make, you will no longer make her as much as a cup of tea. Tell you Husband to tell her mother to stop being a rude old bat or you will refuse to see her ever again.

Fraaahnces · 08/07/2023 11:58

“Fuck off home then, MIL!” (And don’t come back!)

TeaGinandFags · 08/07/2023 11:59

You say she comes to eat due to cultural or religious reasons. Well, no culture encourages bullying, so ban her from your threshold until she apologises. At the very least speak with your community/religious leader who can tell her to behave. They WILL help you.

SayHi · 08/07/2023 12:01

BumbleBee2023 · 08/07/2023 11:37

Well she came over yesterday.
I didn't plate her any food. Just sat at the table with dc and ate my own.
She had the cheek to complain to DH who told her that she was rude the other day about my cooking and I don't want to cook for her if she's like that.
She grumbled and moaned about it, and then plated herself some that was left over (small toddler portion) and ate it and didn't say a word.

I just can't win.

Yes you can and you did!
Keep doing this.

If she’s hungry then she can plate some herself but you’re not going to serve her or make it to her taste when she’s going to be rude and throw it away.

Keep cooking and enjoying eating it.
Don’t play into her games.

RobertsRadio · 08/07/2023 12:06

That was definitely a "win", but you have to keep it up. I also think you need to assert yourself and tell your DH and MIL that from now on her visits are reduced and she is only welcome if invited. Maybe reduce the visits to every other night, or 3/4 nights a week only, and mean it. Keep the doors locked so she can't just March in.

Crumpleton · 08/07/2023 12:10

Perfect come back OP.
Actions speak louder than words and you certainly won that one by using actions.

I'd continue to do the same then your MIL can choose to serve herself or go without.

Nanny0gg · 08/07/2023 12:10

Isolationendurance · 08/07/2023 10:01

She doesn't sound well.

Nonsense! She eats her son's food

She's just a cow

Nanny0gg · 08/07/2023 12:12

BumbleBee2023 · 08/07/2023 11:37

Well she came over yesterday.
I didn't plate her any food. Just sat at the table with dc and ate my own.
She had the cheek to complain to DH who told her that she was rude the other day about my cooking and I don't want to cook for her if she's like that.
She grumbled and moaned about it, and then plated herself some that was left over (small toddler portion) and ate it and didn't say a word.

I just can't win.

Don't let her in?

All go out to dinner before she arrives?

TELL her she's not welcome?