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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to cook?

292 replies

BumbleBee2023 · 07/07/2023 14:11

Probably a really petty AIBU for a Friday afternoon but hey ho!

My MIL comes round most days for dinner, She'll happily eat whatever DH cooks but when I cook for her I get constant complaints.
"You haven't used enough salt." "I don't like eating that anymore. It doesn't taste the same these days." Etc.
The other day I cooked a big roast dinner and used plenty of salt and pepper as I knew she'd complain.. for her not to even eat it. Just looked at it and told me there wasn't enough salt and threw it in the bin in front of me!

I've told DH I'm no longer cooking for her as I find it rude & a waste of food.
AIBU? To just not dish her any food up and eat my meal in front of her?

OP posts:
FrenchBoule · 08/07/2023 17:18

Takenoprisoner · 08/07/2023 15:02

You have won. You ignored her, refused to plate up her food, so she had to do it herself and ate without comment. That's winning.

Do this EVERY TIME from now now. She can serve herself if she wants, but don't be waiting on her. And if she moans at all, you can say, 'well no one told you to eat it, did they?'

I would be cooking the exact amount to feed my family with no left overs.

Rude cow (MIL) that is

PoshHorseyBird · 08/07/2023 18:22

What you should do is cook the meal and get DH to tell MIL that he cooked it. Watch the compliments flow! Then when shes eaten it, tell her that it was actually you who cooked it. Shes going to make herself look a right twat if she then tries to backtrack. And your DH needs to grow a spine and tell his miserable mother that her throwing perfectly good food away will mean shes not invited back anymore!

YerArseInParsley · 08/07/2023 19:28

Why aren't u saying something to her at the time she's being rude and putting the dinner in the bin? She's rude because she gets away with it.

Why are so many wives afraid to knock their MIL down a peg or 2? Next time she's rude just say u can't get anything right for her and she is better off not coming round for dinner. How did it come about that she came round every night anyway, was she invited?

YerArseInParsley · 08/07/2023 19:31

BumbleBee2023 · 07/07/2023 14:34

Oh no, he did say "bumblebee this tastes great. One of the best meals you've cooked." Right in front of her.

I was a bit to shocked at the time to say anything. Never had anyone actually throw my cooking away, not even my dc do that!

Show quote history

That's not good enough. He should have said something to his mum.

What did she do after she binned the food? Did she hang around? Expect something else to eat?

Elly46 · 08/07/2023 19:37

This is completely out of order. I think there are a couple of things to address here. Firstly your DH needs to stand up for you both as a couple with her and call her out making sure she knows what she’s doing is not going to continue. Secondly I’d be setting a boundary that DH needs to also enforce, preventing her from calling until she can behave as a respectful adult. Anything less wouldn’t be acceptable; you dont deserve that.

Fraaahnces · 08/07/2023 19:37

I would plate up for everyone but her, put any leftovers away into the freezer/fridge and NOT let her help herself. I would force her to ASK for food. Then I would look her in the eye and tell her that I am no longer cooking for her. She can go to McDonald’s.

DreamTheMoors · 09/07/2023 03:55

I would’ve said, “Okay, that’s enough. If you’re going to throw a perfectly decent meal in the trash, you don’t have to eat another meal in this house again. You’re excused. Good bye.”
When MIL balks, reply, “I said good bye.”

YerArseInParsley · 09/07/2023 14:44

Why does she come over most nights for dinner anyway? I think I mentioned your culture, what culture is that? How have things been since you posted this OP?

Honestly, cultural traditions wouldn't matter to me, I wouldn't have someone being rude to me like that in my own home. That's not a nice environment.

Mrsgreen100 · 09/07/2023 17:34

Personally I would not use salt to cook again
then maybe the horrible woman won’t come again !!
your DH needs to get her in line
or simply you say to her sorry you aren’t welcome until you learn some manners and shut the door
hope to hell you don’t have kids witnessing you allowing yourself to be treated like this.
this is .
abusive behaviour is not okay

supersop60 · 09/07/2023 17:49

GimmeSleep · 07/07/2023 15:06

I would cook everyone else something, then when MIL said something point her in the direction of the toaster.

No. Point her in the direction of the bin.

LongDarkTeatime · 09/07/2023 17:54

As you have kids can you Institute a new house rule. Anyone who wates food or complains just get toast until they learn to behave?
Then if she misbehaves again you can honestly comment how she wouldn't want the kids learning bad manners.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/07/2023 17:56

BumbleBee2023 · 08/07/2023 12:48

I'm pretty sure she hates me without a doubt.

Show quote history

I don't know how you put up with these daily intrusions from someone who "hates" you, its exhausting and unfair.
You should see a LOT less of her.

nokidshere · 09/07/2023 17:56

I can't believe you actually not only cook for someone who always moans about your food but that you actually carry on doing so and accept the rudeness.

Stop cooking for her. Tell her you won't tolerate her rudeness anymore. And you tell her, you do not need your husband to do it for you. Stop being such a mug.

Missingpop · 09/07/2023 17:58

Let the ungrateful cow starve; I’m fucked if I’d keep cooking for her either she’d be shown the door with a very loud & clear message do not come back ever!!!

keffie12 · 09/07/2023 18:10

You have spoken to her before about her behaviour. She behaves for a while and starts again.

Speak to her clearly again and tell her it she starts on about anything in the future that crosses boundaries you will say so straightaway.

That's the part you need to change, which is to tell her straightaway her behaviour is unacceptable. The culture, in my view, has nothing to do with it.

I know mils who can be like that who aren't from specific cultures. My ex deceased MiL was a nightmare.

Fortunately, the ex stood up for me. You also need to have a word with your husband about his mother unexceptable behaviour.He needs to start speaking up for you too. It's not on

tommyhoundmum · 09/07/2023 18:13

It seems to me your MIL just wants to get at you to hurt you and this is her way of doing so. Perhaps she is envious of your family happiness.

I'd prefer to call her out than just stop making meals as that just gives her something else to complain about. Good luck, you deserve it

Yayhelen · 09/07/2023 18:19

DH needs to grow a pair and tell his Mum to sort herself out. Regardless of familial relationship or culture it’s just downright rude and she needs to be told that (very calmly and clearly) but not by you so it can’t be brushed off.

WollyParton · 09/07/2023 18:19

My mama always says that if someone else has gone to the trouble of shopping/cooking/thinking about feeding others then it is undoubtedly delicious, even if it’s beans on toast

YDBear · 09/07/2023 18:19

catlovingdoctor · 07/07/2023 14:24

I wouldn't have her back in my home after that rudeness, what a vile way to behave!

This. Not only would I not cook, I simply wouldn't have her in the house.

Twentytwothousand · 09/07/2023 18:26

I don’t think she’s very well. She’s tried undermining you and now she’s gone nuclear to avoid any doubt. Is she still married? Does she have other kids? Sounds as if she can’t bear being “replaced” as she sees it. It’s a terrible thing to do, really aggressive. I think a note to her - “always good to welcome her but please make sure she eats before she comes because nobody throws away a plate of good food and gets invited again?” Absolutely outrageous behaviour

AmberMcAmber · 09/07/2023 18:27

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2023 14:27

That vile cow wouldn't be setting foot in my house, nevermind eating my food. Time to put your foot down and grow a backbone, op. It's fucking outrageous that your husband allows his mother to get away with that behaviour.

This 1000000%

toxic44 · 09/07/2023 18:36

Disrespectful of you, your home, your efforts and your husband. Apart from the personal offensiveness, in my culture this blatant insult to the food itself would be unforgivable. I couldn't bear to have her at my table ever again.

Roxy69 · 09/07/2023 18:36

Fraaahnces · 08/07/2023 19:37

I would plate up for everyone but her, put any leftovers away into the freezer/fridge and NOT let her help herself. I would force her to ASK for food. Then I would look her in the eye and tell her that I am no longer cooking for her. She can go to McDonald’s.

Perfect.

Riv · 09/07/2023 18:37

I would have taken that tiny portion from her telling her it was being saved for someone else and that she wouldn't like it anyway because it wouldn't have enough salt in.

But then, I'm petty like that. Anyone who throws my food in the bin should never expect to eat again in my home, ever.

Miisty · 09/07/2023 18:38

So sorry for you after all that time and effort you put into cooking it I would have scrapped it out of the bin and chucked it at her Tell her she had to get her own dinner

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