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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ditch pregnant guest?

344 replies

Sofasandslobbies · 07/07/2023 00:01

Old friends visiting for a long weekend. They are usually quite hard work but they are long term friends who are good with our elderly parents and 4 DCs so we tend to go along with it and accept it as a character part of their personality.

we’d arrange for them to visit and we have got DCs looked after with the plan to go out out, lots of drinks etc. DP and I have not been out kid free for over a year.

Theyve arrived this afternoon with the great news they are expecting DC1. Really great news and we’re super excited for them. She now, understandably, doesn’t want to go out. Feels tired and sick.

Are we being unreasonable (DP and I?) to say they can make themselves at home, but we’re still going?? We really need this night out and getting 4 DCs looked after is no mean feat with limited family available.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 06:43

continentallentil · 07/07/2023 06:35

It’s frustrating - but no you can’t go out - you have guests.

Of course OP and DH can go out. These guests invited themselves and knew OP and DH had booked childcare for FOUR kids.

MagpieSong · 07/07/2023 06:45

I wouldn’t and I’d find this rude. These are your friends who’ve come down to see you. Stay at home and chat with them about their plans for parenthood and everything else. I don’t see why babysitting can’t be reorganised. We have very very limited babysitters and haven’t been out together since a holiday about a year ago, but I’d want to stay and see my friend. Can’t the kids go to bed early and leave the adults to chat? The point of them coming was to see you, not to enable you to go out. What is all this stuff about ruining plans? She’s pregnant and excited to share the news. Why would she have to do that earlier because it involves a change of plan? There might be any number of reasons she didn’t.

Yea2023 · 07/07/2023 06:45

I’m currently pregnant and 🤮, I wouldn’t be able to go out but would be upset if you cancelled plans esp in your situation.

m can you have take out together then you and DH go out?

justanothermanicmonday1 · 07/07/2023 06:45

continentallentil · 07/07/2023 06:35

It’s frustrating - but no you can’t go out - you have guests.

Hahahaha says who, YOU? 😂

CapEBarra · 07/07/2023 06:45

Clymene · 07/07/2023 05:20

If she's feeling that unwell, she should have cancelled the visit.

And yes most of us have felt shit in early pregnancy but we don't expect the world to stop because of it.

I'd still go out.

If I was pregnant and sick I am probably only going because I feel I have to because it’s already been planned and would be thrilled if I could head off to bed and let everyone else go out and enjoy themselves.

YouJustDoYou · 07/07/2023 06:46

Non-parents who have no idea what it takes sometimes to arrange childcare...I like the other posters suggestion of having a drink at home then saying about the babysitter being booked, so you'll be back later...They'll soon learn when they have the baby what it takes to organise a rare night out for some parents.

chaffinch32456 · 07/07/2023 06:46

It depends what you had planned? @Sofasandslobbies
If you’ve booked and paid for babysitters/tickets for an event - then I’d have a discussion with them over what to do.

Anyone reasonable would surely say - you go and I’ll have an early night.
I do think it’s pretty self centred of them not to indicate that they didn’t want to go out, even if they wanted to announce in person. So if your not ‘too fussed’ about the friendship, you could be self centred right back and go out.
If you value the friendship and want it to continue/if it is easy enough to cancel the plans without inconveniencing others or monetary loss - then stay in with them.

BelindaBears · 07/07/2023 06:48

If I was pregnant and had travelled with DH to visit friends and didn’t feel I could go on a night out I would stay at home, no need for the other 3 people to stay in as well. She’s pregnant, not ill, even if it’s the pregnancy making her feel ill.

midnightblue12 · 07/07/2023 06:48

MagpieSong · 07/07/2023 06:45

I wouldn’t and I’d find this rude. These are your friends who’ve come down to see you. Stay at home and chat with them about their plans for parenthood and everything else. I don’t see why babysitting can’t be reorganised. We have very very limited babysitters and haven’t been out together since a holiday about a year ago, but I’d want to stay and see my friend. Can’t the kids go to bed early and leave the adults to chat? The point of them coming was to see you, not to enable you to go out. What is all this stuff about ruining plans? She’s pregnant and excited to share the news. Why would she have to do that earlier because it involves a change of plan? There might be any number of reasons she didn’t.

I agree with this.
I can't understand why people think it's nice to have friends come and visit and then leave them for a night out 😬

MagpieSong · 07/07/2023 06:50

Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 06:43

Of course OP and DH can go out. These guests invited themselves and knew OP and DH had booked childcare for FOUR kids.

Show quote history

But if they booked it, they can rebook it. Plans change. The point of the visit is meeting friends, not going out - that was the nice extra bit. I don’t know of any babysitters who take any payment before and refuse to change the date if something prevents going out.

Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 06:53

MagpieSong · 07/07/2023 06:45

I wouldn’t and I’d find this rude. These are your friends who’ve come down to see you. Stay at home and chat with them about their plans for parenthood and everything else. I don’t see why babysitting can’t be reorganised. We have very very limited babysitters and haven’t been out together since a holiday about a year ago, but I’d want to stay and see my friend. Can’t the kids go to bed early and leave the adults to chat? The point of them coming was to see you, not to enable you to go out. What is all this stuff about ruining plans? She’s pregnant and excited to share the news. Why would she have to do that earlier because it involves a change of plan? There might be any number of reasons she didn’t.

Did you even read the OP? OP isn’t exactly thrilled with these guests, sounds like they invite themselves over.

I don’t see why babysitting can’t be reorganised.

If it was that easy to organise childcare for 4 kids, do you not think OP would do it more regularly. It’s taken a YEAR to have 1 free child free night.

Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 06:54

MagpieSong · 07/07/2023 06:50

But if they booked it, they can rebook it. Plans change. The point of the visit is meeting friends, not going out - that was the nice extra bit. I don’t know of any babysitters who take any payment before and refuse to change the date if something prevents going out.

Show quote history

See my post above. You have your rose tinted glasses on.

Fatkittythinkitty · 07/07/2023 06:55

You say these friends are good with your 4 DC and elderly parents? I'm imagining making time for them, so playing with your kids, taking the time to sit down and talk with your folks? But in return you can't change your evening plans for a pretty huge reason - it's not like they've arrived and just said they can't be bothered.

I mean, it's not what friendship looks like to me.

Quiverer · 07/07/2023 06:58

Chewbaccaslime · 07/07/2023 00:09

Did they not tell you beforehand they couldn't do the night out? That's a bit shit TBH.

They didn't necessarily know it was part of the plan?

FairAcre · 07/07/2023 07:02

So they are good with your kids and your parents but you don’t seem to like them much? You sound really selfish people. Surely the whole idea of seeing friends is to spend time together? You sound like you are skewering the details to do what you want. It would be interesting to hear their side of things.

billy1966 · 07/07/2023 07:03

I think considering the previous conversations about the big night out, difficulty in organising childcare, to now cancel it all last minute is spectacularly selfish and self absorbed

They sound like hard work alright.

Normally I wouldn't, but in this case, definitely head out.

Be wary of such selfishness and lack of consideration by them, these likely will get far worse when the baby arrives.

Enjoy your night out.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 07/07/2023 07:04

Well it may be the pregnant guest was feeling fine till now, it also sounds like they are clueless about how tough it can be to arrange babysitters.

I very much doubt she was feeling fine until the moment they arrived at OP's house. If you're planning to stay with friends and you get sick, you should cancel anyway.

But none of that alters the fact that having guests to stay for the weekend, and then going out without them, would be incredibly rude. You could just about excuse it if it was expensive theatre tickets you can’t get refunded or something, but not dinner.

Guests who knew what the plans were in advance, claimed to be excited about them the day before, then dumped a pregnancy announcement on everyone at the last minute, changing everyone's plans.

That is what's rude.

MagpieSong · 07/07/2023 07:06

Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 06:54

See my post above. You have your rose tinted glasses on.

Show quote history

No, I have my polite host glasses on. Thrilled or not, OP invited them. I’m a parent, I have children and one has a serious health condition which prevented us going out for several of his early years. We also live hours away from family and didn’t have anyone until very recently we could ask. In eight years, I’ve been out a handful of times with my dh, but i wouldn’t leave a friend who’d planned to stay over. Yes, I read the OP and the OP agreed to them coming (it says they’re generally hard work rather than they invited themselves and they’re also good with kids etc) and organised going out including babysitting. I appreciate it’s difficult to organise childcare, but the fact it was organised shows it can be done and, therefore, can be done again. It’s not rose tinted, just reasonable hosting.

GeriatricMumma · 07/07/2023 07:08

You sound like shit friends TBH.

You say in your opening statement that you find them hard work BUT they get along with your kids and parents?

Pay a babysitter for another time and spend some time with your friends who have come to see YOU.

Stravaig · 07/07/2023 07:09

More info needed. It's their first child, OP has four already. Have they been trying for a long time, and what have they learned from OP over the years about pregnancy and parenthood taking priority over everyone else?

MariaVT65 · 07/07/2023 07:10

Definitely go out!

I’m pregnant and would never dream of making you cancel your plans for me. I think some people on here are also underestimating how important it is for mental health just to be able to go out once in a while and leave the house without kids and just be a free for a few hours. You deserve a break.

Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 07:12

MagpieSong · 07/07/2023 07:06

No, I have my polite host glasses on. Thrilled or not, OP invited them. I’m a parent, I have children and one has a serious health condition which prevented us going out for several of his early years. We also live hours away from family and didn’t have anyone until very recently we could ask. In eight years, I’ve been out a handful of times with my dh, but i wouldn’t leave a friend who’d planned to stay over. Yes, I read the OP and the OP agreed to them coming (it says they’re generally hard work rather than they invited themselves and they’re also good with kids etc) and organised going out including babysitting. I appreciate it’s difficult to organise childcare, but the fact it was organised shows it can be done and, therefore, can be done again. It’s not rose tinted, just reasonable hosting.

Show quote history

I don’t think OP invited them. As OP says ‘we go along with it’, I think the friends invited themselves.

I think it’s martyrdom, not reasonable hosting.

Zanatdy · 07/07/2023 07:13

I’d absolutely go still. Sure they won’t mind, they can get an early night

Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 07:13

GeriatricMumma · 07/07/2023 07:08

You sound like shit friends TBH.

You say in your opening statement that you find them hard work BUT they get along with your kids and parents?

Pay a babysitter for another time and spend some time with your friends who have come to see YOU.

More likely they’ve come for for free accommodation and food, given OP describes them as hard work.

Rosietheravisher · 07/07/2023 07:21

I’m sure they’ll be fine about it. Give them some practice. Go out.