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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ditch pregnant guest?

344 replies

Sofasandslobbies · 07/07/2023 00:01

Old friends visiting for a long weekend. They are usually quite hard work but they are long term friends who are good with our elderly parents and 4 DCs so we tend to go along with it and accept it as a character part of their personality.

we’d arrange for them to visit and we have got DCs looked after with the plan to go out out, lots of drinks etc. DP and I have not been out kid free for over a year.

Theyve arrived this afternoon with the great news they are expecting DC1. Really great news and we’re super excited for them. She now, understandably, doesn’t want to go out. Feels tired and sick.

Are we being unreasonable (DP and I?) to say they can make themselves at home, but we’re still going?? We really need this night out and getting 4 DCs looked after is no mean feat with limited family available.

OP posts:
Cheeseandlobster · 08/07/2023 23:08

Violetlondon · 08/07/2023 20:02

Oh OP… this is a very outing post! My friends have just announced their first pregnancy (to me in person, not on social media) and they’ve also gone away this weekend to see friends - I really do hope this is not about them! But it’s a small world out there, and I think you should remove this post immediately. I know for certain, if this is actually about my friends, they will be more upset about this post than you realise. Don’t make them feel guilty about ‘ruining’ your plans. Just be happy to see them and make a night in - with lots of alcohol for you!

Then you friends need to know they are being selfish. Did you read that op has not had a night out in years? I bet your friends have. If op hosts until they get tired, friends can go to bed and op can have her long long awaited night out

ellyeth · 08/07/2023 23:31

As they were aware that you had a much needed night out and had arranged for child care, I think they are being thoughtless and selfish.

I suppose it depends how long they are staying for. If it's just a night or two, they may take exception to you going out - and it might mean a cooling of your friendship. But, really, I think it is very inconsiderate of them not to have pre-warned you.

zviff · 09/07/2023 00:36

Makes you a somewhat selfish, shitty friend. You invited them over. You also chose to have FOUR kids. If you can't go out without the kids then wah. No sympathy. You had 4 of them. To ditch long time friends because you want to pretend like you have no kids for a night, you don't sound terribly mature.

Unwelcoming · 09/07/2023 00:53

Ouchee · 07/07/2023 00:27

One day when she has her baby and needs a break she'll realise what she did with the 'big pregnancy announcement!'

I agree to having a drink at home and then apologise that the babysitter is already booked and you need to go out still. There is no one I would let ruin my plans !

All the guests wanted to do was share their special news in person as a suprised. I don't see why they are to blame because they didn't get to have a break! This weekend was about them, having and hosting their guests(friends) and not about trying to escape them. I'm sorry but if I was the guests and found out that you had no care I would never visit let alone talk to you. Why you got to wait for friends to have a break! Have you forgotten what it was like to be pregnant... Go and have a meal! Or a night in and get over it! Be happy for your so called friends!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/07/2023 01:10

zviff · 09/07/2023 00:36

Makes you a somewhat selfish, shitty friend. You invited them over. You also chose to have FOUR kids. If you can't go out without the kids then wah. No sympathy. You had 4 of them. To ditch long time friends because you want to pretend like you have no kids for a night, you don't sound terribly mature.

What nonsense.

The guests agreed to a specific itinerary, which included the OP arranging for babysitting and other logistics. And have no qualms about pre-empting it with their "news" which quite frankly happens about 150 million times a year here on Planet Earth, if not more often. They didn't have to hijack. THEY are the selfish ones.

Furthermore, if they are staying for a "long weekend," to me that means at least three nights. If their hosts nip out for the AGREED-UPON drinks and dinner on one of those nights, while the visitors chill, that's fine. It's not as though they're only in town for three or four hours.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/07/2023 01:11

Unwelcoming · 09/07/2023 00:53

All the guests wanted to do was share their special news in person as a suprised. I don't see why they are to blame because they didn't get to have a break! This weekend was about them, having and hosting their guests(friends) and not about trying to escape them. I'm sorry but if I was the guests and found out that you had no care I would never visit let alone talk to you. Why you got to wait for friends to have a break! Have you forgotten what it was like to be pregnant... Go and have a meal! Or a night in and get over it! Be happy for your so called friends!

Show quote history

And all the OP wanted to do was to have the night out that everyone agreed upon, and planned for.

Their "special news" is not really quite special enough, sorry, to derail the plans of numerous other people, from the OP and friends to the babysitter. The woman is pregnant. Whoopeeee! That doesn't give her the right to hijack umpteen other plans.

Coco1379 · 09/07/2023 02:03

I don’t think you can really be a friend if you cannot forego a night out when they visit. In fact it is extremely rude to even think about leaving your guests in yourhome while you go out. How would you feel if anyone did that to you?

ITryHarder · 09/07/2023 04:58

Astsjakksmso · 08/07/2023 04:01

Wrong. All you've done is write a load of essays on the same point, failing to grasp that people's definitions of 'graciousness' are different.
We do not ALL hope that our friends were 'understanding and accomodating' = canumg their night out. Like I said, were I pregnant I'd be perfectly happy to stay in
And have done so when I was ill for other reasons. Pregnancy is a red herring.
So I am treating others exactly how I'd like to be treated.

There is nothing wrong with OP even considering it, asking the house guest. But you are wrong to assume that staying in is the only correct action and anything else is 'ungracious'.

Show quote history

As the host, OP chose the right option - to be gracious rather than callous. To be considerate rather than insensitive. Perhaps her friend needs a lesson in those things also, but for this evening, OP took the high road, disappointing as it was.

I'm proud of her for not taking the advice of all those who would dump on a friend, or anyone for that matter. But I would reconsider this friendship since she doesn't seem terribly fond of it anyway.

Astsjakksmso · 09/07/2023 05:36

ITryHarder · 09/07/2023 04:58

As the host, OP chose the right option - to be gracious rather than callous. To be considerate rather than insensitive. Perhaps her friend needs a lesson in those things also, but for this evening, OP took the high road, disappointing as it was.

I'm proud of her for not taking the advice of all those who would dump on a friend, or anyone for that matter. But I would reconsider this friendship since she doesn't seem terribly fond of it anyway.

Show quote history

You're another one missing the point. Like I said I don't think you'll get it if you're very firmly on one side.
I don't consider being left at home , being 'dumped', or 'callous'. You and PP do. And in your minds it's the only way.

Most of my friends wouldn't mind either. As we have been there for each other in various situations, including chronic illnesses and bereavement, I can safely say that none of us are callous.

Haybee87 · 09/07/2023 06:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

moortownplumber · 09/07/2023 07:29

Just go out on you dc, I’m sure your ex D will be happy to cd you for it sake,
dpd will be ok and ycd pp will get over it,
hope this helps

GoodChat · 09/07/2023 08:14

moortownplumber · 09/07/2023 07:29

Just go out on you dc, I’m sure your ex D will be happy to cd you for it sake,
dpd will be ok and ycd pp will get over it,
hope this helps

Top notch advice 👌🏻

Curlyfifteen · 09/07/2023 08:34

The old me would stay in to please others.

But if you were clear at the outset you planned a night out then explain how you have it all arranged and will make them super comfy at home and see them the next morning. Yes its an odd situation but that way everyones needs are met. It the only fair way to handle it. But it depends how well and empathetically you explain your end of it.

JournalistEmily · 09/07/2023 08:55

Leaving your guests alone in your house while you go out is so rude! Amazed people on here think it’s ok. Doesn’t matter whether they’re hard work or not, they’ve come to see you!

Pherian · 09/07/2023 09:01

That’s not unreasonable at all. You aren’t excluding them as by her own request doesn’t want to go. You could leave her a little pamper hamper or something so she can relax that evening that you’re out to still make the experience nice for her. Maybe catch up over breakfast the next day.

LovelyIssues · 09/07/2023 09:34

I personally wouldn't go. Takeaway & drinks at home, they can go to bed when they want to.

Inwiththenew · 09/07/2023 10:40

Definitely stay with your friends!

MrsRaspberry · 09/07/2023 12:07

I would feel pretty rude to have guests over and leave them at mine to go out but they've been pretty rude to arrange a night out and expect you to change the plans very last second also. They've spent the whole time before their arrival saying how much they're looking forward to you all having the night out, allowed you to arrange childcare for it to happen only to show up and say "surprise!! well actually we're expecting and we really don't fancy sticking to the original plans so lets all stay in instead" The friends are the selfish ones here and I would be telling them their actions are out of order

ITryHarder · 09/07/2023 13:28

Astsjakksmso · 09/07/2023 05:36

You're another one missing the point. Like I said I don't think you'll get it if you're very firmly on one side.
I don't consider being left at home , being 'dumped', or 'callous'. You and PP do. And in your minds it's the only way.

Most of my friends wouldn't mind either. As we have been there for each other in various situations, including chronic illnesses and bereavement, I can safely say that none of us are callous.

Show quote history

Some of these responses are callous, even mean, nasty and insensitive. Were I her houseguest, I would have said "you guys go right ahead, I'll be fine". But she didn't. Thoughtlessness, selfishness on her part, who knows. But the fact that OP questioned it in the first place means she's already feeling a wee bit of guilt, and would probably feel even more so if she just ups and leaves her houseguest. You did say "most of your friends wouldn't mind". That implies some would. As another respondent said, ' which is more important to her - the evening out, or the friend?' Good question.

Stickybackplasticbear · 09/07/2023 13:49

Asa child free person the selfishness of the op and other parents here blows my mind.

InceyWinceySpidy · 09/07/2023 14:11

Stickybackplasticbear · 09/07/2023 13:49

Asa child free person the selfishness of the op and other parents here blows my mind.

So you don't think it's selfish for someone to watch a whole group chat planning a whole night out, for weeks. Say how much you're looking forward to all of it. Watch the parents in the group arrange 4 sets of childcare. Whilst all along you knew you were going to turn up on the day, with zero notice, refusing to go. And knowing everyone else has to cancel because it's rude to leave a house guest. Costing the other people babysitting fees, having to cancel any reservations and potentially be charged for those. But she's so important, naturally everyone should be thrilled that she deliberately did that just to announce she's pregnant.

She could have made any excuse in the lead up, in order that the night out was replaced with a night in, and still done the big reveal. But she didn't. She caused a lot of inconvenience and wasted others people's money. Deliberately.

YerArseInParsley · 09/07/2023 14:33

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/07/2023 01:10

What nonsense.

The guests agreed to a specific itinerary, which included the OP arranging for babysitting and other logistics. And have no qualms about pre-empting it with their "news" which quite frankly happens about 150 million times a year here on Planet Earth, if not more often. They didn't have to hijack. THEY are the selfish ones.

Furthermore, if they are staying for a "long weekend," to me that means at least three nights. If their hosts nip out for the AGREED-UPON drinks and dinner on one of those nights, while the visitors chill, that's fine. It's not as though they're only in town for three or four hours.

Show quote history

Selfish for feeling tired and sick? 🤣

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/07/2023 14:37

No, selfish for doing a bait & switch on their hosts, at the last minute, after OP organized logistics for an outing, said logistics involving other people as well.

All because they want their me-me-me pregnancy reveal moment, like a pair of self-absorbed children.

ITryHarder · 09/07/2023 15:29

InceyWinceySpidy · 09/07/2023 14:11

So you don't think it's selfish for someone to watch a whole group chat planning a whole night out, for weeks. Say how much you're looking forward to all of it. Watch the parents in the group arrange 4 sets of childcare. Whilst all along you knew you were going to turn up on the day, with zero notice, refusing to go. And knowing everyone else has to cancel because it's rude to leave a house guest. Costing the other people babysitting fees, having to cancel any reservations and potentially be charged for those. But she's so important, naturally everyone should be thrilled that she deliberately did that just to announce she's pregnant.

She could have made any excuse in the lead up, in order that the night out was replaced with a night in, and still done the big reveal. But she didn't. She caused a lot of inconvenience and wasted others people's money. Deliberately.

Show quote history

You say, after making plans, she knew "all along" she was going to turn up that day and refuse to go out, and she did it all deliberately. How could you possibly know that other than imagination. The houseguest may have been looking forward to going out as much as OP, but is tired and really doesn't feel well.

You know, if she were to happen to lose that pregnancy in a week or two, as often happens, the naysayers among you who are shouting 'the hell with her, go out anyway', just might feel a little ashamed of themselves if they still have at least a little decency and compassion in them.

I think it's possible, from what OP has said, that she's a bit of an entitled snot, but then it sounds like several of the responders are, too.

Astsjakksmso · 09/07/2023 15:46

ITryHarder · 09/07/2023 13:28

Some of these responses are callous, even mean, nasty and insensitive. Were I her houseguest, I would have said "you guys go right ahead, I'll be fine". But she didn't. Thoughtlessness, selfishness on her part, who knows. But the fact that OP questioned it in the first place means she's already feeling a wee bit of guilt, and would probably feel even more so if she just ups and leaves her houseguest. You did say "most of your friends wouldn't mind". That implies some would. As another respondent said, ' which is more important to her - the evening out, or the friend?' Good question.

Show quote history

Yes, but turning your question on its head
Even if some would mind, some wouldn't. And for me, most wouldn't mind. None of them would mind me asking actually, but those who do mind would tell me straight in which case I would stay home.

However, all the people who have replied are adamant that, instead of MOST, EVERY SINGLE ONE would mind. And so, it is VERY BAD, and one must never consider even doing it!

That's what my issue is.

Perhaps all the overly polite mannerly people here have the thing where, if you even consider it and ask , the guest would feel obliged to say yes but stew Internally. I don't have any friends like that - I'm very clear that I don't read minds and expect people to say what they mean. They'd soon be dropped, and good riddance.