Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ditch pregnant guest?

344 replies

Sofasandslobbies · 07/07/2023 00:01

Old friends visiting for a long weekend. They are usually quite hard work but they are long term friends who are good with our elderly parents and 4 DCs so we tend to go along with it and accept it as a character part of their personality.

we’d arrange for them to visit and we have got DCs looked after with the plan to go out out, lots of drinks etc. DP and I have not been out kid free for over a year.

Theyve arrived this afternoon with the great news they are expecting DC1. Really great news and we’re super excited for them. She now, understandably, doesn’t want to go out. Feels tired and sick.

Are we being unreasonable (DP and I?) to say they can make themselves at home, but we’re still going?? We really need this night out and getting 4 DCs looked after is no mean feat with limited family available.

OP posts:
Newbeginnings90 · 07/07/2023 01:10

Yabu. On many levels.

Cucucucu · 07/07/2023 01:20

That’s so rude leaving guests unattended!!

Mangotango39 · 07/07/2023 01:26

Can you not edit the plans and say you'll go for a nice dinner not out for a big drink.

you cannot leave them at home when they are over for the weekend to see you!!!!

mathanxiety · 07/07/2023 01:29

Chewbaccaslime · 07/07/2023 00:09

Did they not tell you beforehand they couldn't do the night out? That's a bit shit TBH.

This ^

SittinOnTheDock · 07/07/2023 01:29

TumbleweedRolling · 07/07/2023 00:12

Of course you don’t go out!
How weird!

This. Is this a reverse?

Emptychairdoasolo · 07/07/2023 01:36

Can’t believe posters are replying it’s rude to ditch them. They were incredibly rude to spring that on you and change the terms of their visit. Go out!

MrsElsa · 07/07/2023 01:37

In the past I would have said stay home because it's rude to leave them alone.

But... hurtling towards 40 I've had enough of other people's shit and now think fuck them, I need my break.. so go out.

you alluded to them being "hard work" whatever that means so maybe don't have them round again.. it might get quite dramatic as they head towards PFB territory 😁

Codlingmoths · 07/07/2023 01:46

In her position I’d be desperate to go to bed, so perhaps if you offer she get an early night and her husband come out with you she will think that’s exactly what she wanted to hear? As long as you have something for her to eat!

pizzaHeart · 07/07/2023 01:47

Maybe she didn’t realise how tired she would be so it’s s genuine mistake.
What did you plan to do? Maybe if you scaled down the outing and they’d join you or you could go out without them but just for a bit?
I assume from your post that she’s arrived with her partner so she won’t be alone technically and she might prefer to go to bed early.

VivienneDelacroix · 07/07/2023 01:53

To me spending time with my friends far trumps a night out knowing they are at home.

Kimii · 07/07/2023 01:57

Can’t you go out with her chap?

lauraisa · 07/07/2023 01:59

No you can't go out without them. Seems dramatic of her that she can't go though.

Agapornis · 07/07/2023 02:12

When you say group, does that mean there are more than the four of you? Will staying home mean you're letting other people down?

I'd go out, and invite the husband. Have dinner at home, then go. She may well be in bed by 9pm.

Tophy124 · 07/07/2023 02:14

Early pregnant person here, hi! I have had horrendous morning sickness! I think your guests have been really rude because if I felt that unwell I couldn’t go for dinner then I also wouldn’t be well enough to go and stay at someone’s house?! It’s the same level of being out and socializing. I think they are being really precious and rude and they should have just cancelled rather than change all the plans for all of you! So for that reason I’d socialize with them at home and then let them know you’re gonna go get dinner and then come back.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 07/07/2023 02:26

Yanbu! Go out!

They were really selfish to know about the plans and then cancel them.

ikno · 07/07/2023 02:32

Ooooo this is an interesting one and I’m not sure what I’d do. It’s really situational. You just have to do what feels right for you. In some situations it makes sense to cancel plans with no hesitation to look after an unwell guest. It’s up to you whether you think her pregnancy sickness warrants you cancelling your plans. Will you be charged any cancellation fees? If so, will this couple cover your costs?

The world doesn’t have to revolve around night outs or alcohol or making the most of a babysitter. There’s nothing stopping you having a child free night at home, and making cocktails at home and having a good night. There’s nothing stopping you telling your family you’ll look after the kids due to change of plan, and maybe you can call in a babysitting favour in the future. There’s also nothing stopping you from going out and enjoying your night as planned. It is a bit weird to leave the couple at your home but as long as they’re safe and comfortable they should hopefully be understanding

Trez1510 · 07/07/2023 02:35

She now, understandably, doesn’t want to go out. Feels tired and sick.

Tbh, I'm not sure it is understandable she doesn't want to go out at all.

In the interests of full disclosure, I've zero tolerance for drama queens/attention seekers and that's how I interpret her (and his) behaviour around this.

Rocking up with the 'big announcement' and then expecting everyone else to dance to her tune is extremely unreasonable, and unattractive behaviour, imo.

I'd suggest if she's so unwell, she'd be better at home i.e. her own home.

I'd also suggest they visit another time when your children are at home and there's no pressure to (or even the possibility of!) going out on the town.

Also, is it possible they're counting their pennies for MatLeave and allowing you to host (drinks/takeaway) will be much, much cheaper than a night on the town for them?

Astsjakksmso · 07/07/2023 02:39

YANBU OP!
It's rude to leave guests at home unattended, yes, but it's even more rude and attention seeking to change plans last minute.
I'm sure the babysitter etc cost you. You deserve a nigh out.

The other person won't be alone she has her husband to entertain her.

Enjoy yourselves don't feel guilty

Frogpond · 07/07/2023 02:42

Go out. When I was the pregnant friend in this situation I offered to stay home and look after the kids while everyone else went out.

thehoneymonster · 07/07/2023 02:44

I would stay in and order a lovely takeaway, and make your own cocktails. It's still a night off from the kids and although I think they have been selfish I couldn't have people over to stay then go out and leave them in my house.

I do think it's a first pregnancy thing, they have been thoughtless, IME many couples expecting their first behave like this.

I went to a relatives baby gender reveal/shower a few years ago. I hate the blasted things but felt obliged to go.
It was a whole family affair in a busy pub with a reserved area.
Invitation said 1:00. Arrived to find the staff only just starting to set the area up with balloons etc. Relative had changed the time to 2:00 and forgot to tell people who were were clearly less important. Relative finally arrives and informs everyone that her in-laws were working and wouldn't be arriving until 5:30 so the sacred balloon popping wouldn't be till after then.
It was mine and my husbands weekend off work and we had an autistic 5 year old and a baby. We had enough snacks/milk/activities in the bag etc for the 1:00 start till 3/4ish when we had planned to leave.
She pulled her face when we left at 3:00 and said we would look out the the balloon video.
I don't have time for people's selfish shit, and i refuse to put myself and my family out because other people can't pull themselves together.
Now she has kids she doesn't have time for this shit either and often moans about similar things inconveniencing her.
Never remembers the 50 odd people she expected to sit in a pub for over 5 hours waiting for her to pop a balloon though Wink

She might well genuinely feel tired and sick, I felt like I'd been hit by a bus for most of my pregnancies and wasn't up for getting dressed up and going out. But they should have discussed changing the plan before arriving.

A FaceTime to make the announcement would have been fine. They could have said "we know you are looking forward to going out, I'm really not upto it, we could manage a night in with a takeaway and drinks in the house? But totally understand if you'd rather have your child free night out and we will see you another time"

But they descend on you thinking their news trumps your plans and rare child free night out 🙄

nettie434 · 07/07/2023 02:46

It would be rude if you'd invited them knowing she was pregnant and then went out. However, it's different because they arrived knowing you all had plans to go out but not telling you how the pregnancy might change them. I also think that, in her position, I couldn't think of anything nicer than an early night knowing my friends' children had babysitters and I could collapse in bed while everyone else went out. The idea of mocktails/cocktails before you go out sounds good. It's not as if there isn't time to catch up and focus on their good news around the evening out.

SplendidUtterly · 07/07/2023 02:47

Go out

user1477391263 · 07/07/2023 03:03

Did they know that you had planned this big night out? If so I think it's quite rude for them to turn up and expect you to change plans last minute. Surely they could have made up an excuse to plan a night in if they wanted to save the announcement.

THIS. Letting you make all the arrangements was rude. They could very easily have made another excuse ("I had a bad virus in the spring and have had a rough recovery with lots of fatigue and post-viral stuff, so I'm afraid I'm not feeling energetic enough to have big nights out at the moment. Could we just chill at home in the evening this time?").

So you plan to go out and get smashed without them, and then probably be too hungover the next day to interact? Great hosts.

Er, who said anything about getting drunk and hungover?

I would explain the going-out as a fait accompli ("Unfortunately, the babysitter and restaurant will not let us cancel at this late stage") and head out after having mocktails etc. at home.

Goldbar · 07/07/2023 03:28

So they let you organise a babysitter and make reservations knowing they were going to spring this on you and bail?

Nah, fuck it! That's extremely inconsiderate and self-centred and I'd still be going out. They can share the TV with the babysitter.

ChekhovsMum · 07/07/2023 03:28

Has everyone who is posting trashing the pregnant guest actually had exhaustion and sickness in the first trimester? It comes at random, and it’s debilitating. She probably thought this morning that she’d be up for going out, didn’t want to let her other half or you down, and now knows she made a mistake in coming but can’t say so.

If a guest had started feeling sick for any other reason, what would you do?