To ditch pregnant guest?

[Sofasandslobbies]

Old friends visiting for a long weekend. They are usually quite hard work but they are long term friends who are good with our elderly parents and 4 DCs so we tend to go along with it and accept it as a character part of their personality.

we’d arrange for them to visit and we have got DCs looked after with the plan to go out out, lots of drinks etc. DP and I have not been out kid free for over a year.

Theyve arrived this afternoon with the great news they are expecting DC1. Really great news and we’re super excited for them. She now, understandably, doesn’t want to go out. Feels tired and sick.

Are we being unreasonable (DP and I?) to say they can make themselves at home, but we’re still going?? We really need this night out and getting 4 DCs looked after is no mean feat with limited family available.

It's really not. And this kind of attitude pisses me off, especially from other women. The first trimester especially can be incredibly hard, I've never felt so ill or tired in all my life. I'm usually such an active person and it's really affecting my mental health to feel so shit.

OP, I'd go out if I was you. They changed the plans so I think for that reason alone that you can still go out. Plus she will probably be glad of an early night.

God mumsnet is a weird place sometimes!

It’s perfectly normal and not attention seeking to want to tell close friends in person that you’re pregnant - usually those friends are actually happy for you, particularly if it’s been a long awaited thing - and if they don’t actually secretly dislike you and find you ‘hard work’ but just keep you around because you’re good to the kids/ elderly parents. Presumably the guests thought their hosts were the first type of friend rather than the second.

And OF COURSE you don’t go out and leave your guest alone in your house because you’d still rather have the night out.

Although maybe it would be a win win - you’d get your night out and also make it clear to your guests that you don’t actually enjoy their company that much, making it so you don’t have to keep making the effort with people you can’t really be bothered with in future.

It's really rather sad, they thought you liked hanging out with them. Instead you call them hard work and want to leave them to go out drinking. After 4 kids you can't remember in the really days that you feel fine fine fine fine... then suddenly knackered and sick, and no allowance must be given to your "friend", who actually thought you'd be happy for them with the baby. They aren't being selfish, she just doesn't feel up to it.

I'm really surprised how many people would be willing to be so rude to guests, it wouldn't be how I'd do things. I might send DH out with the other bloke, we did that when his cousin's wife was pregnant and staying as it was nicer for us to stay in so she could relax.

We really need this night out and getting 4 DCs looked after is no mean feat with limited family available.

Your babysitting problem isn't theirs, is it?

You need to sort that and not be so precious that one evening is going to be changed. Find a regular babysitter. Pay for one. You don't need to rely on family for babysitting.

They are your guests.

I can understand them wanting to tell you face to face - but honestly! They knew how much you were looking forward to a night out and adult company, and that it had taken a lot of arranging. The least the could have done is said something like "Do you mind if we don't go for a meal? A has been feeling a bit under the weather and sleeping badly which means she's very tired. Could we perhaps have a takeaway at yours instead?"

If they'd done this you wouldn't have had to make arrangements for childcare and wouldn't have geared yourself up for a lovely meal out. I think they've been very thoughtless - I'm honestly not sure what I would do, though.

It sounds like you have arranged for a relative to look after your children - presumably in your own home, not taking the DC to them - and it might be a bit awkward leaving guests with a babysitter, but if your friend isn't feeling too good you can hardly ask them to take over the babysitting duties (or maybe it will be a good intro for them for life as parents. How bliddy tedious it gets sitting in night after night with only the TV for company! Then they'll know just why, and how very much, you wanted to go out. 😐)

Couldn't you go for drinks and food if she's up for it somewhere very local then if she's knackered they can head back to yours and you head somewhere else?

The more I read your first post the more it shocks me.

You really don't like this couple do you?

Even the subject line of your thread - DITCH her.

Maybe you should a) curb this 'friendship' and b) find a babysitter so you can go out more than once in a year.

Honestly, you don't sound very kind or thoughtful at all.

I would not go out alone when I had friends visiting, I would reorganise, still go out for something to eat but earlier and then have drinks at home after. If "friends" went for a night out and left us alone when I was visiting it would be awkward and I would see them in a different light.

From your op it seems you are reluctant friends, perhaps out of habit only, anyway.

Would I be the first to call reverse?

Surely you're not ignorant enough to think that every single woman feels the same as you do during pregnancy?

Surely she can still go out with you to a restaurant just not have a very late night. Come home after dinner and have more drinks at home, those that want to.

They’re weird/selfish for letting you organise for a night out when they knew it wouldn’t go ahead. They could have surprised you with their great news in a way that didn’t cause you work and inconvenience of suddenly changing plans.

That said, I have to agree it would be weird to dump them at home. Go ahead with the planned childcare and have a nice evening of food and getting pissed at home.

And in future consider if these friends are coming to stay in your house level friends as they seem a bit self-centred.

Hmm I don't know...my first.thought was that it would be really rude to just leave guests alone in your house....but for any other planned evening out (e.g. if you'd booked tickets to a gig or theatre) then absolutely I'd expect either the person who didn't want to come to at least try or if they didn't to insist everyone else went and they'd be fine. Definitely wouldn't expect the whole group to lose out.

I suppose the difference here is that you technically won't lose out money wise (Will actually save money!) Just experience wise! Could you maybe say you've had to put a deposit down for the restaurant and you can't afford to lose it?
If she's well enough to travel to you and have a whole weekend away she should be well enough to just go for a meal...then I think it would be fine for you and dh to say "oh we fancy staying out for a few, but you go back to the house if you want".

That way its still them changing the established plans and you kindly making allowances rather than "oh well we are off out anyway, going to the pub is more important than seeing people who have travelled all this way to spend time with us!"

I agree with this. She knew she felt tired and sick so why on earth would you go stay at someone's house just to sleep and potentially vomit? If you arent well you stay at home, doesnt matter if its pregnancy related, its not nice to be ill in someone else's home for either parties. I cant imagine anything worse than feeling sick and not being in the comfort of my own home, let alone for the other person too. I had terrible nausea in early pregnancy but I wouldnt expect other people to cater to it.

YABU to think you can go out and leave overnight guests home alone, yes. I get it’s annoying for you as you were looking forward to a night out but they’ve come to see you - not sit in your house alone while you go out. As a compromise can you get a nice takeaway and some bottles of wine in? That way your friend can still join in with the eating but can go to bed when she’s tired.

I would maybe have gone about things differently if I was your friends but if I went to visit someone for a night and they went out without me because I was pregnant and feeling sick I would be very pissed off and wouldn’t bother visiting them again. Though maybe that’s what you want?!

Can’t you cancel babysitter and reschedule for another weekend so you and DH can have a lovely night out alone. Then your friends and kids can have an eve at home this weekend and they can see what they are letting themselves in for 🤣

She might just want to go to bed and not socialise anyway. In which case I don’t see why you can’t go out.

Agree with every word of this. It’s beyond rude to still go out when you’ve invited guests to stay and they’ve had the temerity to get pregnant and spoil your plans.

Do people really think this way about their friends? How depressing.

I agree with this. She knew she felt tired and sick so why on earth would you go stay at someone's house just to sleep and potentially vomit?

The frieds may have been terrified of being party poopers and didn't want to cancel the visit. BUT they assumed the OP would have some consideration and arrange an alternative night (in.)

We don't even know how long ago the visit was planned. Assume the friend didn't know she was pregnant then or how bad she might feel.

Normally I'd say yabu but actually I don't think you are. I have 3 kids and getting childcare for all of them is no mean feat hence we don't go out on our own very much at all. They knew you had arranged childcare for all of rhem and were looking forward to a night out. I'd be annoyed if that came to a considerable cost (not sure if you've mentioned if they are with family) only for the expectation for ypu all to have to stay home because she is pregnant. She stays home, everyone else goes out or she comes with and comes back when she wants.

Yanbu do not change your plans now.

Also if the OP was to cancel the babysitter last minute, she really should pay them in full.

To be so tired and unwell, but still be enthusiastic about visiting and going out for a big night involving babysitters etc., and think it is reasonable to cancel when you arrive because of a pregnancy reveal🙄is the height of selfishness.

Er no!!! You don’t invite people to your house then leave them for a night out. I get the babysitting thing, but really?

Given that you’ve made arrangements to allow yourselves a rare night out, and that the couple didn’t pre-warn you this couldn’t happen on the basis that they’ve managed to get upduffed, I’d still go. I couldn’t imagine being so self centred as to try and make my pregnancy the focus of any event. And I really felt rough in the early weeks every time. I just used to either shut up and put up or cancel. What do they want you to do? Sit there all evening with the scrabble board in front of you discussing baby names and nursery furniture? I suppose coming from a large family I always saw pregnancy for what it was , an unpleasant and inconvenient means to an end. Babies are wonderful , growing them isn’t and you have to just accept that means you’re gonna miss out on things. Doesn’t mean everyone around you should.

That was yesterday - maybe she'll wake up feeling less tired today and you can all go out tonight as planned - go somewhere local, and she can head home after dinner while the rest of you stay out on your long-planned and anticipated night out. Compromise all round! Your guests are important, but this needs consideration on both sides, their side too. They have responsibilities as guests in the same way as you have responsibilities as host..

This is beyond impolite. I’m staggered that so many people think it’s ok to leave guests alone in your home while you go out drinking. Bizarre and rude.