To ditch pregnant guest?

[Sofasandslobbies]

Old friends visiting for a long weekend. They are usually quite hard work but they are long term friends who are good with our elderly parents and 4 DCs so we tend to go along with it and accept it as a character part of their personality.

we’d arrange for them to visit and we have got DCs looked after with the plan to go out out, lots of drinks etc. DP and I have not been out kid free for over a year.

Theyve arrived this afternoon with the great news they are expecting DC1. Really great news and we’re super excited for them. She now, understandably, doesn’t want to go out. Feels tired and sick.

Are we being unreasonable (DP and I?) to say they can make themselves at home, but we’re still going?? We really need this night out and getting 4 DCs looked after is no mean feat with limited family available.

It's interesting how many people on here are presuming that everyone experiences a predictable and steady pattern of tiredness and sickness in pregnancy. In my experience it was not like that at all. I didn't get much sickness, but I did get very tired. So if you'd ask me whether I would be up to going out on a specific night, my answer have been "I'll see how I feel on the day" because that would have been the only true answer. Yes I think it was wrong not to warn OP that she was pregnant, but it's also totally possible that she genuinely thought she manage the night out until the day.

As many have said, they could make cocktails at home. They could also get carry out. They don't HAVE to go clubbing like teens/early 20 somethings. It's not like their friends plotted the pregnancy to ruin their plans. Some women struggle to get pregnant and it happens when it happens. Do you seriously think that they should put their life plans on hold just so their friends can go drink like college students? If so, you're incredibly childish as well. You don't NEED to go to a restaurant to enjoy restaurant food just like you don't need to be in a bar/nightclub to enjoy alcoholic drinks.
I enjoy going to bars , having a few drinks and chatting with whomever is sitting next to me. Those type of bars don't exist where I live now. So when I get the urge to drink socially and chat, I do it when sisters and broothers-in-law are in the area or we visit them.
Their life won't end if they stay home and drink instead of boozing it up out. It changes little.

"They don't HAVE to go clubbing like teens/early 20 somethings. It's not like their friends plotted the pregnancy to ruin their plans."

Were they going clubbing or going for dinner and drinks?
You're allowed to have fun beyond your early 20s you know!

"Do you seriously think that they should put their life plans on hold just so their friends can go drink like college students? "

What?
Again, it's not just students who like to go out.
And nobody's saying the guest shouldn't have got pregnant, but I'd personally say she should have encouraged the others to go out and not spoilt everyone else's night as well.

I enjoy MUMsnet, I really do. Regardless of what the subject is an OP has written about, the back and forth opinions bring to mind a tug-o-war. After reading page after page of varying responses, often from opposite ends of the spectrum, I begin to wonder if, in addition to personal opinions, we're seeing individual life experiences - easier life versus harder life, surrounded by love vs not so much, much support vs little, laughter vs anger, once dumped on by someone and the need to get even (sometimes even with someone who is not the guilty culprit) vs forgive and forget. (I, myself, have been known to forgive, but I don't forget). Seems like 'we live what we learn' might be true.

I'd personally say she should have encouraged the others to go out and not spoilt everyone else's night as well.
This seems to be exactly the stage at which the viewpoints differ. When a friend visits, does the friend make your night great or is the great night completely independent of the friend being there?

Those who enjoy friends for their company find it offensive that the night out would be considered more important than the friend, those who find the atmosphere of "being out" more interesting than a friend say the night is "spoilt / ruined / etc". Hands up, I'm totally one of the former, and I'm struggling to get it really. Why is home so bad, is it that people can't make good food, don't keep drink in the house, don't have music, dislike their home, what?

Without knowing the full details it's hard to say but let's assume they had an inkling you would be child free and want to go out...
If that's the case, yes I get wanting to tell you their news face to face, but let's be honest, that was for their benefit not yours. If you have another child free night I'd be tempted to say what you had planned for tommorow and ask her if she thinks she'll be up for it. Lie and say you've booked a table. Don't ask if they mind you going out, just talk as if that's what's happening and if she says she's not sure she'll be up to it, kindly say she can make herself at home (give her your Netflix password), ask if she'd like you to get anything in then ask her OH whether he's coming or staying.
Tbh, I think it's a bit off to go and stay with someone if you're unwell. Maybe they'll leave early.

They should have offered! Good practice! Go out!

Well it's also the fact that the friend is 'tired and sick'.
We don't know what that means!
Too tired to go out (and deal with crowds, walking etc) - but able to have good conversation etc at home?
OR too tired and sick to be good company?
This is the point that most people miss.

Now I cannot speak for anybody else, but when I am tired and feeling sick I'm shitty company. Doesn't matter whether we're home or out. If all I'm capable of is having ice cream and staring at the TV, there's no point in anybody else cancelling their night out just to accompany me in doing the above.

I'm sure plenty on here would be like 'true friends stick together blah2' but being pragmatic I'm not sure why I need everyone to performatively share in my misery.

Despite all my posts I have postponed planned events to stay in instead (or we have found stuff boring and gone home), where we've had a great time.

That's different from people being unwell.

Again, it's all fair for people to consider nuance and context, but the blanket responses for either action is extremely shortsighted. Furthermore, at the end of the day only the OP knows the whole situation, they will only post information that shows them in the best light

None of us here can know the whole truth

Also @MRex I will say though that's it's very privileged and insensitive of you to assume that everybody has a home that's good enough for entertaining. At least, that's what your tone seems to be implying...

While extreme dichotomies such as you've posted are extremely poetic and appealing to the lowest common denominator, life is more nuanced. You don't get much of that on an online forum though....

My apologies. I should have followed my extreme dichotomies, as you call them, by etc to show that these were only examples. Also, there are many levels within each. But each does often form individual opinions, and those opinions can be telling.

I've also noticed in my personal journey through life, that it often depends on who said or did what. How someone reacts to comments or actions, such as getting angry, feeling offended, or chuckling about it, often has more to do with their personal like or dislike for that person. For example, if one's favorite person in the world said she didn't feel well and up to going out, would you mind so much canceling the plans? If this favorite friend wanted to wait to tell you in person about her wonderful news, would you think of her as selfish or entitled, as many responders implied?

And that is nuance.

Yes, that's true, and I did mention that in some of my earlier posts.
The OP has already said that this person has always been 'hard work' and high maintenance.
However other people have pointed out that they have put up her with elderly parents and 4 kids for years.
In the end who knows. OPs are always going to show themselves in the best light.
And the only people whose reaction matters are the involved who may have very different reactions to the hordes on Mumsnet!

There does seem to be a pattern of kicking the OP, no matter what they post they always end up being found 'guilty'.

Have you ever played Whispering Down the Lane where one person whispers something to the next person and that person whispers the same thing to the next, on down the lane through ten or twelve others. It's amazing what the whispered phrase can turn into at the end.

As you said, other people have pointed out that "they (the guests) have put up with elderly parents and 4 kids for years", and yet that's not what OP ever said. She said they're good with them. Big, big difference in how people choose to interpret something to their satisfaction, and those choices often stem from negative or positive situations in their own lives. I think it's possible some of that is often in play in responses. Some might call it human nature; I call it cattiness.

If you’ve invited them to stay I don’t think it’s right you plan to go out and leave them in… she’s suffering with sickness and fatigue but has bothered to make the journey. If you put yourselves in her shoes you might wonder why you bothered…

Totally agree. Good to see some sense amongst the ‘she’s suffering, stay’ posts.

Thank you. I'm glad you agree. But please understand I'm not under the "she's suffering, stay" category. I'm under the "as host, it's the right thing to do" category.

Totally out of order. It’s clear discrimination. Your poor friend.

I think this is one of those trick questions. What is really being asked is: how do I ditch long time friends with minimal effort? Going on a night out without them when they’ve made the effort to visit you will do the tricks. Seems to be a fairly efficient way too. It’s a win-win situation. Well done 👍

She’s the pregnant woman’s friend, not a prospective employer, get a grip.