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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ditch pregnant guest?

344 replies

Sofasandslobbies · 07/07/2023 00:01

Old friends visiting for a long weekend. They are usually quite hard work but they are long term friends who are good with our elderly parents and 4 DCs so we tend to go along with it and accept it as a character part of their personality.

we’d arrange for them to visit and we have got DCs looked after with the plan to go out out, lots of drinks etc. DP and I have not been out kid free for over a year.

Theyve arrived this afternoon with the great news they are expecting DC1. Really great news and we’re super excited for them. She now, understandably, doesn’t want to go out. Feels tired and sick.

Are we being unreasonable (DP and I?) to say they can make themselves at home, but we’re still going?? We really need this night out and getting 4 DCs looked after is no mean feat with limited family available.

OP posts:
TooOldForThisNonsense · 07/07/2023 11:05

I think your last post is the nub of it. You’ve drifted apart, she’s a pain in the arse and a drama Queen, and predictably as it always is with these types, it’s extended to pregnancy as well. Cancel the night out and have a night in, try and reschedule the babysitter, and let the friendship fizzle out.

Edders71 · 07/07/2023 11:05

It’s shit and they haven’t considered you in this - they’ll get it one day - but you can’t just leave them home alone. I suffered terribly with morning sickness (all day and all night sickness) for the first 3 months in my pregnancies so I sympathise if she’s feeling bad. It’s unfortunate.

SunSurfSand · 07/07/2023 11:07

Sofasandslobbies · 07/07/2023 10:20

Thanks for all the replies. What a mixed bag. I think people are right that we are different stages of life and friendships have cooled. There is a slight age gap and this particular friend has always been high maintenance and a drama queen. Had I of known she was pregnant I would have predicted that she would be too debilitated to do anything for 9 months.

I can see why people think im selfish and unkind and tbh we have probably allowed the friendship to limp on longer than it should. I think we both continue out of obligation and 10+ years of friendship.

Food for thought. I probably am being selfish but I also am more annoyed by it not being the first time we've all had to bow down to a whim of there's.

Thanks all x

To be fair, being pregnant is hardly a whim.

Take her out for dinner, set her up with the remote, go out for drinks.

Don't get too drunk, be well enough to take her for brunch the next morning.

She could hardly complain about that.

InceyWinceySpidy · 07/07/2023 11:08

Delatron · 07/07/2023 10:43

Yep if I was that sick then staying at someone’s house would be off the cards.

Yes, pretty much this.

If I was that affected by my pregancy that I couldn't go out, I wouldn't go to someone's house knowing they had planned an evening out, knowing I was going to reveal at the 11th hour I wouldn't be going...and also knowing that because I was announcing a pregnancy, they can't really say bugger all about it. It's very me me me.

No, @Sofasandslobbies you can't go out. It's just rude to leave guests at home. However, what she's done is very self indulgent and inconsiderate, but she's so self absorbed, she doesn't care about the effects on you. The princess is pregnant. Of course the world should stop. She could have made any number of faux excuse like PP said, when she could see everything being arranged and all the trouble you'd gone to on the group chat, "Money's a bit tight" or just simply "We'd prefer a night in with a takeaway, if that's ok with everyone else" etc and still done her big reveal without causing disruption. She didn't though, she watched you plan a whole evening out and arrange 4 children to have overnight childcare, which you haven't been able to do for a year, knowing it was all going to be cancelled, by her. And she knows if you don't act delighted at the fact you now have to cancel everything off the back of this, miss the one break you would have had in an entire year, or go round frantically trying to cancel the reservations you've made and the now non required childcare, she can do the whole "She didn't even care about my baby" which is not the case at all. It's the deliberate disruption. You'll have to get a takeaway now as well, as you hadn't banked on feeding everyone tonight.

Is there any way at all, that you can rearrange the childcare for another night. Have all the DC stay at home. If that means they wake her up at 5.30am, then that's on her. She's stopped you all going out as planned, with zero notice. So cancel the childcare you no longer need and keep it in the bank for this time next month. Apologise to inlaws etc for the last minute cancellation, but make it very clear, you've been put in this position by her lack of notice, and are equally annoyed by the cancellation, so if they would be able to offer another night, you would be incredibly grateful.

Don't invite her again. I'm so cross for you OP. We've only got 3DC, but I know how it is, trying to get grandparents to have the eldest, a qualified childminder or nursery nurse who does evening work to have the youngest (toddler twins, so you need someone confident to handle multiples) and paying for that, just to have a meal out. And making those two things align when everyone is free, and DH hasn't got to work late. It happens perhaps twice a year. We had tickets to a comedian, which were booked for over a year. That night, for reasons known only to herself DD refused to sleep, kept getting her brother up. Both went full feral. We literally couldn't leave. I know it wasn't their fault, but honestly I could have cried. Our one night out of the house, not being "mum and dad" in 8mths. Gone.

Cancel what you can, but please make sure you rearrange the childcare for next month instead, and have your evening out, for you x x

Titfortat78 · 07/07/2023 11:10

Could you rearange sitter for next weekend instead?

SideWonder · 07/07/2023 11:11

YABU. Totally.

You're experienced parents of 4 DC. But imagine if an old friend had done this to you, on the announcement of a long-awaited pregnancy?

So so rude

Gymtastic · 07/07/2023 11:11

Sofasandslobbies · 07/07/2023 10:20

Thanks for all the replies. What a mixed bag. I think people are right that we are different stages of life and friendships have cooled. There is a slight age gap and this particular friend has always been high maintenance and a drama queen. Had I of known she was pregnant I would have predicted that she would be too debilitated to do anything for 9 months.

I can see why people think im selfish and unkind and tbh we have probably allowed the friendship to limp on longer than it should. I think we both continue out of obligation and 10+ years of friendship.

Food for thought. I probably am being selfish but I also am more annoyed by it not being the first time we've all had to bow down to a whim of there's.

Thanks all x

I think it’s more than it’s cooled. You actively dislike her, no one talks about a friend like that. Please cancel the visit and just go out.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 07/07/2023 11:13

I'm on the fence here. I don't really think you can leave them whilst you go on a night out as that's a bit off. At the same time, if I was the pregnant friend I'd stay at home and let my husband go and see friends rather than sitting on my friends sofa being a martyr all weekend whilst everyone cancels their plans.
I understand wanting to wait for the 12 weeks scan before announcing the pregnancy, put she could have used the old "I'm taking antibiotics so I can't drink" line

caringcarer · 07/07/2023 11:13

I'd just explain you're very happy with their wonderful news but you've organised a night out and got all 4 children looked after for night so you'll still be going out as you've booked a table, and go and enjoy yourselves. Tell them to make themselves at home and help themselves to anything they want.

ididntwanttodoit · 07/07/2023 11:14

What a strange question! You have guests staying, who you have invited, and who are old friends. You want to go out and leave them? That's very rude.They should have let you know in advance that you wouldn't be going out, but two wrongs don't make a right.

SideWonder · 07/07/2023 11:19

There is a slight age gap and this particular friend has always been high maintenance and a drama queen. Had I of known she was pregnant I would have predicted that she would be too debilitated to do anything for 9 months.

You clearly don't like her. Have some sympathy for her in a completely new situation.

Gymtastic · 07/07/2023 11:23

ididntwanttodoit · 07/07/2023 11:14

What a strange question! You have guests staying, who you have invited, and who are old friends. You want to go out and leave them? That's very rude.They should have let you know in advance that you wouldn't be going out, but two wrongs don't make a right.

I can’t even get my head round it, some folks are giving it yeah go out. Who does that. Has guests round and goes out and leaves them in your house. Utterly odd. Cancel, sure, but to let them come and say we are off out, see ya. So weird.

Astsjakksmso · 07/07/2023 11:38

WombatChocolate · 07/07/2023 10:15

But if you’re hosting house guests, don’t you expect to put them first?

Doesn’t someone with 4 kids try to remember the excitement of the first pregnancy and telling people and be prepared to cut them slack about not having mentioned the planned night-out might not be a goer?

Yes, there’s scope on both sides to make a little sacrifice and consider the other. Lots on here seem to think the other person should do it and that their default position isnt to put themselves out and expect the other person to do it. Instead of a sense of entitlement and rights, it’s a better world when people are prepared to be the one to put themselves out and not tos eve it as being a doormat or being taken advantage if. These are friends after all, with some big news. Spending the evening with the guests you’ve invited seems to be the priority to me, not going out and leaving them behind. The little pang of disappointment at not getting the child free night woukd surely be just a little pang for most…moved on from quickly. And honestly, who allows themselves to decide the invited house guest is selfish for not losing their moment to announce their first pregnancy, instead of saying it by phone or text?

I too would cancel the sitter and get a takeaway or similar.

It's not just a 'little pang' though. It's quite a bit of money lost, depending on your childcare arrangements.
Around here babysitters are expensive (especially for 4 children!) and you have to pay the full free regardless of cancellations.
Imagine that they had booked and paid for non-refundable theatre tickets. As a guest would you be happy for people to lose money just to accompany you at home?
I wouldn't, but then again I'm not selfish.

Gymtastic · 07/07/2023 11:40

Astsjakksmso · 07/07/2023 11:38

It's not just a 'little pang' though. It's quite a bit of money lost, depending on your childcare arrangements.
Around here babysitters are expensive (especially for 4 children!) and you have to pay the full free regardless of cancellations.
Imagine that they had booked and paid for non-refundable theatre tickets. As a guest would you be happy for people to lose money just to accompany you at home?
I wouldn't, but then again I'm not selfish.

She’s pregnant and is now feeling sick, give over.

Delatron · 07/07/2023 11:42

I think cancelling the childcare and moving to another night is a good idea. Can you do that OP? Then have a takeaway and drinks in and arrange a big night out with friends another time.

The point people are missing is that 🤰 sat there whilst OP was arranging all this knowing full well it would have to be cancelled. I’d be cooling the friendship after this.

The OP hasn’t had childcare over night for a year! This is a big deal to her.

Delatron · 07/07/2023 11:43

I’d she’s sick 24/7 then she should have cancelled the visit.

JMSA · 07/07/2023 11:45

It's not what I would do, no.
Just be more proactive about having more nights out ... when you don't have guests!

Astsjakksmso · 07/07/2023 11:45

Gymtastic · 07/07/2023 11:40

She’s pregnant and is now feeling sick, give over.

Is that your best comeback?
I've also been pregnant and sick. And in that condition I'd want to lie in my room anyway, no stomach for a 'takeaway'
Why ruin things for everyone else.
Of course, people will never agree on this. I'm quite sensible and practical. I know my friends are good people. Maybe if you're not you feel abandoned and insecure rather than pragmatically getting the best outcome for everyone

Astsjakksmso · 07/07/2023 11:46

Also @Gymtastic would you be happy to waste a couple of hundred pounds?

Sofasandslobbies · 07/07/2023 12:04

Thanks all. In reflection I think it's right I stay in as we are the hosts, no matter how annoyed I am about it (whether that's justified or not!)

I've contacted the babysitters and moved them to next month only losing 20% of the fee so I'll stay in tonight and listen to (and actively participate!) in baby chat/nursery plans/names etc. The rest of them will still go out and hopefully can make the next date. If not just DP and I will go.

I will be letting the friendship drift after this weekend as it has run it course. I don't actively dislike them, I just feel we're in different places and I have enough people (the 4 DC's!) that I rightly have to prioritise and I just can't handle anymore. They require a lot of attention and pandering to, and I'm just at my peak with it.

Thank you for all the advice! Signing off this one now x

OP posts:
formulaonecar · 07/07/2023 13:15

InceyWinceySpidy · 07/07/2023 11:08

Yes, pretty much this.

If I was that affected by my pregancy that I couldn't go out, I wouldn't go to someone's house knowing they had planned an evening out, knowing I was going to reveal at the 11th hour I wouldn't be going...and also knowing that because I was announcing a pregnancy, they can't really say bugger all about it. It's very me me me.

No, @Sofasandslobbies you can't go out. It's just rude to leave guests at home. However, what she's done is very self indulgent and inconsiderate, but she's so self absorbed, she doesn't care about the effects on you. The princess is pregnant. Of course the world should stop. She could have made any number of faux excuse like PP said, when she could see everything being arranged and all the trouble you'd gone to on the group chat, "Money's a bit tight" or just simply "We'd prefer a night in with a takeaway, if that's ok with everyone else" etc and still done her big reveal without causing disruption. She didn't though, she watched you plan a whole evening out and arrange 4 children to have overnight childcare, which you haven't been able to do for a year, knowing it was all going to be cancelled, by her. And she knows if you don't act delighted at the fact you now have to cancel everything off the back of this, miss the one break you would have had in an entire year, or go round frantically trying to cancel the reservations you've made and the now non required childcare, she can do the whole "She didn't even care about my baby" which is not the case at all. It's the deliberate disruption. You'll have to get a takeaway now as well, as you hadn't banked on feeding everyone tonight.

Is there any way at all, that you can rearrange the childcare for another night. Have all the DC stay at home. If that means they wake her up at 5.30am, then that's on her. She's stopped you all going out as planned, with zero notice. So cancel the childcare you no longer need and keep it in the bank for this time next month. Apologise to inlaws etc for the last minute cancellation, but make it very clear, you've been put in this position by her lack of notice, and are equally annoyed by the cancellation, so if they would be able to offer another night, you would be incredibly grateful.

Don't invite her again. I'm so cross for you OP. We've only got 3DC, but I know how it is, trying to get grandparents to have the eldest, a qualified childminder or nursery nurse who does evening work to have the youngest (toddler twins, so you need someone confident to handle multiples) and paying for that, just to have a meal out. And making those two things align when everyone is free, and DH hasn't got to work late. It happens perhaps twice a year. We had tickets to a comedian, which were booked for over a year. That night, for reasons known only to herself DD refused to sleep, kept getting her brother up. Both went full feral. We literally couldn't leave. I know it wasn't their fault, but honestly I could have cried. Our one night out of the house, not being "mum and dad" in 8mths. Gone.

Cancel what you can, but please make sure you rearrange the childcare for next month instead, and have your evening out, for you x x

Agree with this OP. Reschedule the babysitter and dont invite them again or waste precious babysitting opportunities on them. She's been very rude here IMHO

Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 13:19

GeriatricMumma · 07/07/2023 07:28

@Lacucuracha
Free accommodation and food?
Where does any of the OP's comments even anywhere near allude to that??

They sound like freeloaders.

WombatChocolate · 07/07/2023 13:45

Glad you’ve reached a verdict. You’re doing the right thing, and whatever happens in the future with this friendship, you can relax in knowing you’ve done the decent thing.

Treating people right and doing the right thing, rather than what people might deserve or be owed is a good principle in life.

Hope you have a more enjoyable evening with these guys than you might imagine and that you get your child free night out soon too.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 07/07/2023 13:54

Sofasandslobbies · 07/07/2023 10:20

Thanks for all the replies. What a mixed bag. I think people are right that we are different stages of life and friendships have cooled. There is a slight age gap and this particular friend has always been high maintenance and a drama queen. Had I of known she was pregnant I would have predicted that she would be too debilitated to do anything for 9 months.

I can see why people think im selfish and unkind and tbh we have probably allowed the friendship to limp on longer than it should. I think we both continue out of obligation and 10+ years of friendship.

Food for thought. I probably am being selfish but I also am more annoyed by it not being the first time we've all had to bow down to a whim of there's.

Thanks all x

I never understand these threads on Mumsnet when an OP refers to people as 'friends' when quite clearly the OP doesn't like the 'friend' and is quite horrible about them.

billy1966 · 07/07/2023 14:12

OP, good call.

High maintenance people are tedious and like many I too have zero time for them.

Get through this weekend and step away.

The friendship is clearly more shared history than affection and when you are very busy with small children, putting yourself out for people like this, who are also demanding and high maintenance would not have been something I would have entertained.

Basic consideration for others would stop most people doing what they have done at the very last minute if it could be at all avoided.

Most would say for you all to head out and the pregnant person would rest up if they felt that bad.

At least it would be what me and my friends would do.

Knowing a babysitter was arranged would be key to most people in their decision that you should all head out.