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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ditch pregnant guest?

344 replies

Sofasandslobbies · 07/07/2023 00:01

Old friends visiting for a long weekend. They are usually quite hard work but they are long term friends who are good with our elderly parents and 4 DCs so we tend to go along with it and accept it as a character part of their personality.

we’d arrange for them to visit and we have got DCs looked after with the plan to go out out, lots of drinks etc. DP and I have not been out kid free for over a year.

Theyve arrived this afternoon with the great news they are expecting DC1. Really great news and we’re super excited for them. She now, understandably, doesn’t want to go out. Feels tired and sick.

Are we being unreasonable (DP and I?) to say they can make themselves at home, but we’re still going?? We really need this night out and getting 4 DCs looked after is no mean feat with limited family available.

OP posts:
Shortstufflady · 08/07/2023 15:48

Incredibly wet???? I remember at less than two weeks pregnant, the overwhelming tiredness thinking what the hell!!! I thought I had been run over by a steam train. It was indescribable. That was how I knew i was pregnant. As a parent please have some sympathy and support for them. Put your sitter off for a week and have your child free weekend next weekend and support your friend this weekend.

stichguru · 08/07/2023 15:56

Two points for me:

  1. Does she want the company? Like maybe she wants you to head off and leave her in peace to rest? In which case go and enjoy.
  2. When did start feeling bad?

If she would prefer company then did she knew she was likely not to fancy a big night out and didn't think to tell you before you'd got baby sitters etc? If so, then she is selfish, go and enjoy yourself leaving her at home. If she didn't know, and now feels off but would like company then it would be mean and selfish of you to go, stay home and have a fun night.

I would add (and I know this is different) but I have several friends who are long-term unwell and plans change at the last minute because their health just varies. I adapt to do what they feel like because their comfort and happiness is way more important to me than what we do together. I know it's a bit different, but if she expected to be ok and then isn't and you still go, it sounds to me like you don't care much about her.

Shortstufflady · 08/07/2023 15:59

Op this would be a perfect time for your Friends to end the friendship. They have been great with your four children and elderly parents and even made an effort to come and tell you in person about their pregnancy, however now Mum to be is feeling tired and sick and it doesn’t fit in with you, you want to ditch them! Yeah, if I was them I would be looking for decent friends.

Phos · 08/07/2023 16:01

Go out. They're the rude inconsiderate selfish ones who wanted all the glory of their big announcement.

SoWhatEh · 08/07/2023 16:04

Share the dilemma with them. Say "As you know we made plans for a big group get together and booked a sitter. Now that you aren't up to going out, not sure what to do as I'll be being rude to either you if I go or the others if I duck out." (Bear in mind that restaurants can charge for no shows these days and you should check if you have booked anywhere whether this will happen.) Then ask, what do you want us to do? She might say, go out, I'll only be asleep anyway.

ThanksItHasPockets · 08/07/2023 16:07

OP has only posted five times. Would it really be so hard to read her posts before posting on a thread that has already been resolved?

@mnhq need to let us pin updates.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/07/2023 16:14

Sofasandslobbies · 07/07/2023 12:04

Thanks all. In reflection I think it's right I stay in as we are the hosts, no matter how annoyed I am about it (whether that's justified or not!)

I've contacted the babysitters and moved them to next month only losing 20% of the fee so I'll stay in tonight and listen to (and actively participate!) in baby chat/nursery plans/names etc. The rest of them will still go out and hopefully can make the next date. If not just DP and I will go.

I will be letting the friendship drift after this weekend as it has run it course. I don't actively dislike them, I just feel we're in different places and I have enough people (the 4 DC's!) that I rightly have to prioritise and I just can't handle anymore. They require a lot of attention and pandering to, and I'm just at my peak with it.

Thank you for all the advice! Signing off this one now x

So you're giving up your night out, but also no longer going to be friends. That makes no sense to me. Why make that sacrifice for people you're no longer going to be friends with anyway?
I'd rather go out, but keep the friendship.

Cornishclio · 08/07/2023 16:15

If you have arranged a babysitter and you can't change the night to another night I would be tempted to go out anyway. They don't have kids so probably don't realise how rare nights off are when you have DC. They can go out any night after all and if she is feeling sick and tired maybe she would just like an early night. I would sort them out with food first though either a takeaway or cook something quick and light for them. She can then go to bed whenever she wants to. Personally I am not sure why she came if she was feeling that rough. What is the point of you all having a rotten evening.

Stickybackplasticbear · 08/07/2023 16:17

I think it's abit much to imply your friend is self involved when you were prepared to do something really selfish and rude to your guests. Also you don't sound like you like them, people deserve better friends than this. Just leave the friendship to cool off.

Robinni · 08/07/2023 17:01

You said you accept your friends, and particularly the woman, being high maintenance but accept it as “they are good with our elderly parents and 4 DCs.”

So… let me get this straight @Sofasandslobbies, do you mean to say that these - up until now - childless people have been bobbing about with you, DH, your parents and 4 kids for the last ten years?!

They have put up with this for a pretty long time, that is what sounds quite high maintenance, as well as you spitting the dummy out at the first hint of them having children and changed priorities.

They came for the weekend to spend time with you and share exciting news… but you were only interested in a piss up. Seems unfair considering how they have been supportive of your family situation.

stichguru · 08/07/2023 18:16

SoWhatEh · 08/07/2023 16:04

Share the dilemma with them. Say "As you know we made plans for a big group get together and booked a sitter. Now that you aren't up to going out, not sure what to do as I'll be being rude to either you if I go or the others if I duck out." (Bear in mind that restaurants can charge for no shows these days and you should check if you have booked anywhere whether this will happen.) Then ask, what do you want us to do? She might say, go out, I'll only be asleep anyway.

I think this is really the best response.

BarbarianBlue · 08/07/2023 18:18

If you managed to arrange a child free evening then arrange another one. Stay the course, it’s her first baby and she’s sick and tired. I’m sure there have been times friends made allowances for you when you were pregnant. It’s a bit mean to ditch them. If a friend did that to me, I’d reconsider the strength of the relationship.

TedEsMum · 08/07/2023 18:23

As rude as it may be to "ditch" the guests the same day they arrive, it's also rude to cancel the sitter on zero notice, since she most likely gave up other plans to help OP, expecting a nice payment for her service. I didn't see any other posts on how OP would deal with the situation.

Cariadm · 08/07/2023 18:24

TumbleweedRolling · 07/07/2023 00:12

Of course you don’t go out!
How weird!

EXACTLY what I was thinking!! I don't even understand why it should even be a question? 🙄Their 'friends' have come to visit them because they supposedly wanted to see them and they still think it's OK and prefer to go out and leave their friends in the house, ALONE?! Bizarre, and I really need to say it seems quite selfish and more than a little rude? OK, they have been looking forward to a night out but sometimes things just don't go to plan in life and it's not as though they can never go out again even if organising childcare is difficult!!🤔😏

Cariadm · 08/07/2023 18:28

Shortstufflady · 08/07/2023 15:59

Op this would be a perfect time for your Friends to end the friendship. They have been great with your four children and elderly parents and even made an effort to come and tell you in person about their pregnancy, however now Mum to be is feeling tired and sick and it doesn’t fit in with you, you want to ditch them! Yeah, if I was them I would be looking for decent friends.

A bit harsh but I am 95% in agreement with you...a little perspective and kindness is what's sadly missing in this OP! It doesn't sound as if the 'friendship' is much valued and this is definitely a sure way to make the visiting couple more than aware of that?! 🤔🙄😡

Mischance · 08/07/2023 18:30

They are your guests. For goodness sake don't go out!

Noodles1234 · 08/07/2023 18:33

I would ask them what they’d like to do, maybe out for a meal or stay in drinks and nibbles.

If they look after your parents (have you moved away), I think you owe it to them to be a gracious host.

if I drove to see friends and they went out and left us behind I’d be a bit miffed.

MyMiniMetro · 08/07/2023 18:35

Threads like this leave me worried about humanity. You've invited friends to your home but you only want to spend time with them if it's getting raucously drunk and in the company of strangers? If pushed to choose, you would rather do the getting raucously drunk with strangers part, rather than spend time with them with a few celebratory drinks at home? Do you really not see how rude that is? Especially as they will have expected you, with children, to remember what a bitch pregnancy can be. If you really think child free time is wasted if it's not spent out getting drunk, then you my dear, have a problem.

Sennelier1 · 08/07/2023 18:39

I would do something festive at home, maybe do a countdown calender for the new baby! Make it be known you don't expect your pregnant friend to look after your own children. Leave some nice pregnancy-safe treats in the guestroom

RecklessGoddess · 08/07/2023 18:43

I think you should ask them what they want to do, at the end of the day, you chose to have 4 kids they're your responsibility. If they're happy to stay and look after them, it's their choice not yours!

ChocChipHandbag · 08/07/2023 18:51

I have read OP’s posts but not all the others, so don’t know if anyone else has mentioned this but…is it not a bit weird to choose your friends on the basis that they are “good with your elderly parents”?
Are these elderly parents also living in the house? Do the friends get taken to visit them when they visit OP and her family?

Wondering if pregnant lady can have Granny and Grandpa round to keep her company while the others go out!

DeliciouslyDecadent · 08/07/2023 18:56

Surely it's all a bit late now for comments?

The guest had arrived when the OP posted.

They are possibly on their way home now!

MollysBrolly · 08/07/2023 19:01

If I came to yours and you went out I'd be pissed off and I wouldn't bother staying. Stay in with them. You've arranged a sitter you can arrange it again

Juleslovesmaths · 08/07/2023 19:03

You are being completely unreasonable- stay in order take away - drink plenty - play music - let her go to bed if she wishes - she’ll probably liven up anyway

bexboz · 08/07/2023 19:06

I think it’s totally fine to go out. The only type of friends that I have to stay at my home / go to stay with are close, chilled out friends. I.e. the relationship is very easy going and it’s normal to hang out then do stuff separately without it having to be formal and worry about being rude. Also from the perspective of someone who was very sick and tired in early pregnancy, the only thing I wanted to do was go to bed early so it wouldn’t matter at all if folks stayed in or went out as I would be sleeping!! How ill can you feel if there is room in your brain for FOMO?

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