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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ditch pregnant guest?

344 replies

Sofasandslobbies · 07/07/2023 00:01

Old friends visiting for a long weekend. They are usually quite hard work but they are long term friends who are good with our elderly parents and 4 DCs so we tend to go along with it and accept it as a character part of their personality.

we’d arrange for them to visit and we have got DCs looked after with the plan to go out out, lots of drinks etc. DP and I have not been out kid free for over a year.

Theyve arrived this afternoon with the great news they are expecting DC1. Really great news and we’re super excited for them. She now, understandably, doesn’t want to go out. Feels tired and sick.

Are we being unreasonable (DP and I?) to say they can make themselves at home, but we’re still going?? We really need this night out and getting 4 DCs looked after is no mean feat with limited family available.

OP posts:
Gymtastic · 07/07/2023 14:41

Lacucuracha · 07/07/2023 13:19

They sound like freeloaders.

Show quote history

Peak mumsnet, going to see friends and you’re a free loader. Unbelievable.

Gymtastic · 07/07/2023 14:44

i never understand these threads on Mumsnet when an OP refers to people as 'friends' when quite clearly the OP doesn't like the 'friend' and is quite horrible about them

me too, or the responses. I genuinely can’t imagine saying the things about any of my female friends like the way the op is attacking this woman, and I can’t get over the answers, from free loaders to yes, you the hosts should go out and leave your guests in your house.

I do wonder how many friends the people responding have, real friends, as it’s like another planet to me. Where folks treat their friends like this, talk about them like this, all because the woman is pregnant and feels sick.

bladebladebla1 · 07/07/2023 16:12

I think it's rude to go out

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 07/07/2023 16:21

DisquietintheRanks · 07/07/2023 08:38

Do people really think this way about their friends? How depressing.

Show quote history

No, what's depressing is expecting your pregnancy to trump everything else.

If you're so sick/tired from being pregnant that you can't cope with a pre-planned night out, then you tell your hosts in advance and ask whether they'd prefer to re-arrange or change plans accordingly.

What you don't do is keep your exhaustion/pregnancy a total secret, turn up anyway and expect everyone to happily change their plans to accommodate you.

bladebladebla1 · 07/07/2023 16:21

Everyone making our like it's awful to tell their friend they're expecting 😂 how odd! And she can't help feeling ill, I'm glad some of you are not my friend

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 07/07/2023 16:27

bladebladebla1 · 07/07/2023 16:21

Everyone making our like it's awful to tell their friend they're expecting 😂 how odd! And she can't help feeling ill, I'm glad some of you are not my friend

It's not awful to tell your friends you're expecting, or to feel ill when pregnant.

But what you don't do is act like you're really excited for a night out, then 24h later admit that you're pregnant and won't be up to said night out.

If the friends didn't want to say she was pregnant over the phone, she could have just said she was unwell and needed to reschedule.

bladebladebla1 · 07/07/2023 16:28

@cinnamonfrenchtoast they may have been hoping she would feel better. It's just way over the top to assume she's selfish, just excited about being pregnant and not up to a night out, it's really not that deep

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 07/07/2023 16:35

bladebladebla1 · 07/07/2023 16:28

@cinnamonfrenchtoast they may have been hoping she would feel better. It's just way over the top to assume she's selfish, just excited about being pregnant and not up to a night out, it's really not that deep

I'm afraid I do think it is pretty selfish to expect everyone to change their plans at the last minute to accommodate you - whether that's because you're pregnant or for any other reason, really.

If you're feeling unwell and think you might not be upto it, imo the polite thing to do is give your host a heads up.

MsRosley · 07/07/2023 16:38

Gymtastic · 07/07/2023 14:44

i never understand these threads on Mumsnet when an OP refers to people as 'friends' when quite clearly the OP doesn't like the 'friend' and is quite horrible about them

me too, or the responses. I genuinely can’t imagine saying the things about any of my female friends like the way the op is attacking this woman, and I can’t get over the answers, from free loaders to yes, you the hosts should go out and leave your guests in your house.

I do wonder how many friends the people responding have, real friends, as it’s like another planet to me. Where folks treat their friends like this, talk about them like this, all because the woman is pregnant and feels sick.

I'm now wondering if all your friends are fed up with your sanctimony and superiority.

5128gap · 07/07/2023 16:42

Wouldn't dream of it. You couldn't be giving a clearer message that their company is less important than a night on the town. If you're happy to give that message to them, all good. But there's no one I'd call my friend I'd want to feel that. I also think its a bit rich complaining about an inconvenience arising from her pregnancy, when this is mainly a problem for you because of scarce babysitting for your own four.

Astsjakksmso · 07/07/2023 16:48

@InceyWinceySpidy EXACTLY!
OP this is a good tim to end the 'friendship'. You will find better don't worry

WombatChocolate · 07/07/2023 17:40

People seem to forget these are house guests. They have come to stay. They aren’t just people who the OP had arranged to have a night out with.

Some of these comments make me wonder how often people have houseguests and what their image of good hospitality is. When you have house guests, you look after their comfort. I wonder if some posters simply don’t have people come and stay and don’t really grasp hospitality and putting your guests first. Op is under no obligation to have them as house guests again if she feels the friendship has run it’s course (although given these are old friends, again lots of posters on this thread seem very quick to advise people easily cast off friends. In my view, old friends are generally worth retaining and going the extra mile for, but this going the extra mile seems an alien concept to many) but given they are currently guests, as she has herself decided, the right thing is to be gracious.

Being gracious. Sorry to say, but a lot if people don’t seem to know what it even means.

SideWonder · 07/07/2023 17:54

Exactly @WombatChocolate

And to add to that, if a "friend" is excited about her pregnancy, at least pretend you are pleased for her, not leave the house at the first opportunity.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 07/07/2023 18:05

People seem to forget these are house guests. They have come to stay. They aren’t just people who the OP had arranged to have a night out with.

They're both. Yes, they're house guests but the plan was for everyone to have a night out. It was arranged well in advance and everyone was talking about it the night before the guests arrived.

Why should one guest get to unilaterally decide that everyone else's plans have to change at the last minute?

FYI I would also stay in this scenario because I wouldn't want to come across as rude, but I would be really pissed off with the "friend".

Clymene · 07/07/2023 18:07

@WombatChocolate perhaps you should read all the OP's posts

WombatChocolate · 07/07/2023 19:37

Clymene · 07/07/2023 18:07

@WombatChocolate perhaps you should read all the OP's posts

Yes, I have read them. I know Op has decided to stay in with the guest who have travelled to stay with her for the long weekend.

My last comment is to all the people suggesting (still, even though Op has said she is staying in) that Op goes out and leaves the guests who have travelled at home, and bins them as friends.

A couple of people say that when a babysitter has been booked, that takes priority,or if a plan has already been made, that takes priority. I don’t agree. When people travel to visit you it’s right to prioritise them. If one of them isn’t feeling great and well enough to go out, you stay in with them or adjust your plans to something they can manage.

Actually that’s what OP has done. Good on her. She said that as host she felt she should.

Lots of other people seemed to be suggesting they wouldn’t have done this, but would have binned the guests, even though they were house guests, and seemed extremely intolerant of the friend with pregnancy sickness and possibly being a bit first time pregnant and precious. On a forum for Mums, the lack of support for a newly pregnant first time mum, from others who’ve been through it really surprised me. Yes, we all know that parents with small kids loom forward to a night out and might not get many. But in the pregnant friends position, wouldn’t we all hope our so-called friends that we’ve travelled to share our good news with, might be understanding and accommodating? As I said, the lack of graciousness from many posters surprised me.

Ibizamumof4 · 07/07/2023 20:08

Really depends on them and your relationship and their expectations about the weekend. Deffo feels like their can be a compromise somewhere

Astsjakksmso · 08/07/2023 04:01

WombatChocolate · 07/07/2023 19:37

Yes, I have read them. I know Op has decided to stay in with the guest who have travelled to stay with her for the long weekend.

My last comment is to all the people suggesting (still, even though Op has said she is staying in) that Op goes out and leaves the guests who have travelled at home, and bins them as friends.

A couple of people say that when a babysitter has been booked, that takes priority,or if a plan has already been made, that takes priority. I don’t agree. When people travel to visit you it’s right to prioritise them. If one of them isn’t feeling great and well enough to go out, you stay in with them or adjust your plans to something they can manage.

Actually that’s what OP has done. Good on her. She said that as host she felt she should.

Lots of other people seemed to be suggesting they wouldn’t have done this, but would have binned the guests, even though they were house guests, and seemed extremely intolerant of the friend with pregnancy sickness and possibly being a bit first time pregnant and precious. On a forum for Mums, the lack of support for a newly pregnant first time mum, from others who’ve been through it really surprised me. Yes, we all know that parents with small kids loom forward to a night out and might not get many. But in the pregnant friends position, wouldn’t we all hope our so-called friends that we’ve travelled to share our good news with, might be understanding and accommodating? As I said, the lack of graciousness from many posters surprised me.

Show quote history

Wrong. All you've done is write a load of essays on the same point, failing to grasp that people's definitions of 'graciousness' are different.
We do not ALL hope that our friends were 'understanding and accomodating' = canumg their night out. Like I said, were I pregnant I'd be perfectly happy to stay in
And have done so when I was ill for other reasons. Pregnancy is a red herring.
So I am treating others exactly how I'd like to be treated.

There is nothing wrong with OP even considering it, asking the house guest. But you are wrong to assume that staying in is the only correct action and anything else is 'ungracious'.

theGooHasGone · 08/07/2023 04:09

Love how split this one is. Wish OP had left voting on.

Personally I'd be telling them how sorry for her I felt, but still going out anyway. People making themselves the centre of attention with a big pregnancy announcement and then expecting everyone else to change their plans at the drop of a hat is bad manners - even worse than leaving guests in your house so you can go out. They don't value your time as much as you do!

RLT24 · 08/07/2023 04:40
  1. Don’t pretend to be friends with someone if you think that badly of them i.e you knew she’s be ill for the entire pregnancy. None of us have walked in anyone else’s shoes. Food for thought.
  2. Maybe she wasn’t expecting to feel as ill as she does hence why they still arrived at your house. However given that she does feel that ill and can’t go out she should be telling everyone else to go and she stays in - surely she’d be in bed anyway if she’s feeling that unwell. As a compromise you could go out a bit later so she’s not on her own for as long.
Doone21 · 08/07/2023 06:19

Tell them it's booked, deposit for table, etc and you can't cancel

Waffle78 · 08/07/2023 11:35

She sounds a bit self absorbed.

meganorks · 08/07/2023 15:21

What?! Of course it's unreasonable to go out and leave people who have come to visit you! How weird to even ask. The only way I can not see it being incredibly rude is if you had tickets for a gig or show or something.

Likewhatever · 08/07/2023 15:40

The whole face to face pregnancy reveal is so precious. No-one but family cares. She could have phoned, you could have discussed how she was feeling and changes of plan, they could have cancelled.

Unfortunately I do think it would be very bad manners to go out and leave them at home. Two wrongs don’t make a right. But I would be seething.

drumandthebass · 08/07/2023 15:45

Of course you can't go out, that would be so rude and I would be incredibly offended if that happened to me

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