Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

I'm sorry, but you really do need to end this relationship. You are being abused.

Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am.

Not remotely 'pathetic', well done!
Hold onto that feeling. You don't need your 'D' P, she sounds awful. Yes, it's a mess, one you need to extricate yourself from. Have you spoken to any of your family about all this yet?

Op, I remember your previous posts. I'm sorry, but you are the maker of your own misery at this point. You should have left your partner ages and ages ago. Nothing will ever change until you do, and your partner will only become more abusive.

@ErrolTheDragon
No I haven't. My family aren't the best communicators and wouldn't really support me. They'd just say something like 'oh that's bad' and then that would be the end of that.

You need to get legal advice and make a definite plan to leave. You won't build up your confidence while you are in this relationship. Still push yourself to go out etc though. Start to refuse to clean etc when she says. If there is any aggression, phone the police.

It is very very difficult to build confidence without taking big actions. Confidence is a behaviour more than a feeling. All the while you are being belittled and abused, you are not going to feel confident.

Take the jump. You will feel so much better once you are out and over the loss element x

This is not your fault.

You are not responsible for being the victim of domestic abuse.

You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who treats you with love and respect. You 'D'P neither loves nor respects you.

You need to find a way to leave this relationship. When it becomes clear that this is your intention, your DP is likely to employ a range of strategies to prevent this. These will probably include:
Apologising and promising you the moon on a stick if you will stay. Once she feels confident you are settled back into the relationship, the abuse will start again and probably be escalated.
Threatening to harm you and/or your child.
Saying she is suicidal.
Telling you that you won't manage on your own.
Saying you are such a terrible person, nobody else will ever want you.
Using friends and family to pressure you into staying.
Damaging your reputation with friends and family.

When you recognise each thing, just remind yourself it is a way to try to keep you trapped. Be a grey rock and continue with your plans.

Once you have left and established a new life, you will be a lot happier and you will wonder why you put up with her behaviour for so long.

Staying in this relationship will harm you and your child.

You deserve so much better 💐

You need to leave. Start gathering all the financial paperwork together, and your/childs birth certificates. Then go see a solicitor to find out your rights. Once you know what is possible, then you can plan your escape. Good luck

This is 100% abuse and coercive control. Good for you for seeing a therapist and good for you for knowing you cannot stay in this relationship and you deserve better.

Please seek help and advice from specialist domestic abuse charities. They can support you the whole way.

I wouldn't waste time trying to fix or change things about your life. She will only resist and it will cause more conflict. You may then lose hope and motivation to leave at all.

Leave and don't look back. A whole other life awaits. One you truly deserve and one that makes you happy and sets your daughter a great example. Do it xxx

Oh my goodness I remember your previous threads. The coerced shared mat leave was one of the cruellest things I have ever read on here. I am so glad you are making plans to leave.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
How do you think you will manage this, while you're still with her? You won't, she will recognise you are changing and will do everything she can to ramp up her power over you. Your confidence will return when you're away from her.

Please speak to Women's Aid, and a solicitor. And in the meantime keep your head down and plan quietly. The most dangerous time in a relationship for a victim of abuse is when she's making plans to leave. I don't believe because your abuser is female this changes. You need to make plans to get out ASAP but do so safely

From experience it is better to just leave, it takes a while to stop feeling the pain of it but it is a million times better later. If you can manage financially just leave. I’m sorry OP, this is very sad, you shouldn’t be living likes this. Your wife is abusive and she’s also lying to you, all the time. You must understand that deep in your bones, she is lying and gaslighting you. I really wish you the best, there are going to be posters here with brilliant, useful advise, I just want to say I see you 💐

@Poppinjay
This does happen. When I say I want to leave, we will talk and she'll say all the right things. And then things will be great for a few days where I think 'god what was I thinking? Why would I leave? Things are great!'

But then something will happen, even something tiny, it could be my mum messaging me about something and she starts again.

When I say about leaving, she will get upset saying 'I'm such a bad person. No one cares about me. No one loves me. I'm a horrible person. I don't know why I'm here'.
The other week she said she was going to kill herself because she was shouting at me, and I stayed very calm. So she got even more mad. I tried to stay calm still. And then she said 'do you want me to kill myself?! Is that what you want because I will!'

@Bitterballen

Thank you. I have considered calling women's aid but feel a bit of a fraud because I know some people who will call them will be people living in hell who certainly need the help more than I do.

There are two people drowning in an ocean. One is 1000 feet below the surface and one is at 200 feet.

They are both are still drowning.

Absolutely call women's aid! Google other domestic abuse services in your area. You are exactly the kind of person they help. Please don't diminish your situation at all. Emotional, physical, psychological, financial, coercive it's all the same abuse! You deserve help so please use those services to make arrangements and get out. Do not let her threats of suicide keep you trapped. I know her saying that is horrible, but it is a well known tactic to use such threats. That's not to say she is lying but as a therapist it's very commonly used I see it all the time. YOU are not responsible for someone else's actions. You never were and you never will be.

Do what is best for you and your child and leave and don't look back. It's soo hard but you know it's not going to change and its harmful to keep trying

When I say about leaving, she will get upset saying 'I'm such a bad person. No one cares about me. No one loves me. I'm a horrible person. I don't know why I'm here'.

Yeah sorry. I forgot about that one: the guilt trip!

It's all designed to manipulate you. To make you feel guilty or scared about leaving. You should never stay in a relationship where someone has to resort to these tactics to make you stay. You would want to stay if you were treated with love and respect.

She's doing her best to isolate you from all your sources of support because that makes you more vulnerable and less able to leave.

You deserve help from Women's Aid now and your baby deserves it too. Please contact them and see what they can do to support you.

The other week she said she was going to kill herself because she was shouting at me, and I stayed very calm. So she got even more mad. I tried to stay calm still. And then she said 'do you want me to kill myself?! Is that what you want because I will!'

What you want is for her to stop emotionally blackmailing you.
But of course, she won't.

Why don't you let them be the judge of whether you need their help or not?

@Sunnyfeelgood
Thank you for that. I didn't think of it that way.

Thank you for your comments.
I feel really embarrassed and ashamed that it's got this far.
I've been thinking a lot lately about all of the times I have been controlled in various ways and now it's just become so normal that I ask permission for absolutely everything.

Only recently I've realised how much I do that. And how often I'm criticised and put down. Or times when she's being controlling. It feels like a light bulb has gone off and I just can't believe this has been happening for so many years.

@Bitterballen
I also am aware that her having the full parental leave may go against me as it may look like I wasn't all that bothered about DC and that I was just wanting to get back to work. She makes comments that she is the 'main care giver' and 'main parent' or will say 'I have spent a year with her so I know her and her routine better' etc.
it will likely go against me.

And I hate it. I wish I'd been stronger. I wish I'd just had the time off even if it was just a couple months more off. I would cry going to work, knowing I was leaving her and would be away from her for 8 hours at a time.

I'd be expressing milk several times per day and during the night. I felt heartbroken not being around our baby during the day because she would go out and meet with other mums during the day.
I feel like I'll never ever ever forgive myself for it.
I missed out on precious moments. But when I said this to her, she would just get upset saying 'well what do you want me to do? Go back to work and you be off? How would you even manage? You're lucky you had 6 weeks off. Dads only get 2 weeks off. How do you think they feel?'

So I wasn't heard. No matter how upset I was. I felt like I wasn't a part of my babies upbringing in some ways. She would bath baby and I'd say 'can I help?' And she'd say 'no it's fine, I'm doing it' and I'd back away. It's like I didn't know when what to do with my own child.

My mum was here once when it happened and when my partner left the room she asked 'why is she not letting you bath the baby? You're her mum and she's not letting you bath her or pick her up'

And I just said 'mum leave it' because I knew it would start an argument.

When we were out with friends, she would insist she did everything with the baby, change her, feed her and would make jokes that I had an easy life. And friends just go along with it that I've got the easy part in all of this because DP does it all. When really I just feel pushed to the side.

And I don't understand why friends didn't question this. Didn't wonder why I was going to work a month after having a baby. And a haemorrhage where I was in hospital for a week. They didn't seem to think anything of it and most just said 'oh DP will have the hardest job. At least you get to go to work'.
I wish I'd been stronger. I hate myself for it. I really really do. That's why I feel so weak and pathetic. I can't talk to friends about it because I'm so embarrassed. And our joint friends only think that DP is absolutely amazing. DP constantly makes out like she's a saint for putting up with me and people go along with it. She tells me that friends say to her 'god you put up with a lot with her don't you?'

Op, get a shit hot layer and file for divorce.

Stop wasting time, stop making excuses to stay. You must get out of this abusive marriage.

This

Excuse my ignorance here, but as the birth mother does that give you automatic parental responsibility? Regardless of who has been home more with the child?

@workworkworkugh
No. We had IVF and both signed legal documents to say we are both parents. Plus we are married so we both have parental responsibility. If we weren't married, the DP would have to adopt DC.
DC has DP's surname and both our names are on the birth certificate.