Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

The Mother's Day thing is seriously getting to me today. I feel completely furious that she's dictating like this and always will. The fact she thinks it's ok to tell me that I can't take my own daughter to see my mum. Just like she did on Christmas Day and at new year. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could just tell her to fuck off and take my daughter to my mums.

No one, none of her friends would ever DREAM that these are the things she's saying. She would be mortified (and would completely deny it) if I told anyone she's said this.

Op you need to start telling people like seriously you do need to tell her it’s not all her way or the highway you will do whatever you want!!! Worst case she assaults you then ring the police see how that works out for her with custody and access!!! Pfffft. Take dc to your mums tough shit your separating wtf is she actually going to do when she can’t control dc under your watch?!!!

If I was friends with you both a mega red flag would’ve been when she took the maternity leave instead of you I don’t mince my words even with v close friends and would’ve asked wtf that was all about?

I wish I could just tell her to fuck off and take my daughter to my mums.

Please do this. She’s your baby and you are well within your rights Especially after all your ex has put you through.

@Babsexxx
No one really questioned it. I feel like because we're two women, people saw it differently. If anyone thought anything about it, they didn't say.

She goes into a massive rage so if I said I'm taking DC to see my mum, she'd probably scream her head off, calling me every name under the sun, all infront of DC.

She did that New Years Day. Screaming at me I'm a fucking dickhead, a stupid fucking cunt and all that. Pointing in my face. All in front of DC. then she went on to tell people all sorts about me. She kept saying to me 'I've told everyone you took DC to see your mum on New Year's Day. Everyone thinks you were bang out of order!'

It becomes such an unpleasant experience that the whole time I'm then with my mum, I'm anxious and snappy. Can't even talk to my mum because I'm so stressed wondering what I'm going to return home to. It's horrendous.

Get your yourself and your daughter ready tomorrow, walk out of the door with your phone set to video/record, the second she starts shouting (hopefully outside in front of neighbours) hit record and let the tantrum happen. Put your daughter safely in the car so she can’t get her and stand in the way of the car door. Drive away when you can and when you get to your mums, show her the video, and show anyone else who cares about you, especially friends.
I think your friendship group will be more aware of what’s happening than you think.

Why aren’t they seeing how fucking mental she is?!!

she’s abusing you, you need to ring the police next time as abuse is abuse assault or not keep ringing she will get the idea! Don’t tell her anything about what your doing!!?

OP I'm quoting this advice again because I think you need to re-read it and seriously think about why you're not taking further action to extract yourself while the house sells.

You cannot appease her into being nice. She will never be nice.

Please make some calls today and start taking a bit of control back. You don't want to still be living with her but separated in 6 months time, but she can drag this out as long as she wants if you're not being proactive to get her out of there.

Please speak to your local domestic violence unit and REPORT her.

If you want a minimum of 50% of time with your DD you need to wise up NOW.

Hello,
I've been reading this thread and think of you, although I haven't written before.
I thought of you just now as BBC Radio 2 is talking about financial abuse on Jeremy Vine's show.
Perhaps worth a listen later or right now if you're about.
Sending best wishes, you're so strong

Hope you're ok, OP, and that things are a tiny bit brighter 💐

I was wondering too, especially with Easter approaching. Hope you have planned some time to relax xx

I hope you’re ok @rosesarentred3 x

How are you OP?

I’ve been in absolute horror reading this thread.

You poor poor thing.

May I ask why you don’t voice record these things? If you can feel the tension building or anticipate her about to blow then why don’t you secretly record?

Even if you end up with hours worth of useless stuff you can just go through and delete every night. But eventually you’ll hit the jackpot.

That will become your number 1 weapon. You can show all your friends/family/solicitors/police/judge etc if needed.

In honestly think that’s your key here and will give both you and your daughter protection.

Please find that strength, it’s a simple thing that can literally save your skin.

On another note, all victims who have faced tragedy at the hands of DV thought as you are, that it isn’t ’that bad’ and have doubt. It’s how they end up in harms way. They all think ‘well they won’t kill me ffs, they’re just nasty!’ If they didn’t think that way their abuser wouldn’t be able to get close enough to do it.

It also sounds extreme but several women are killed a WEEK in the UK alone at the hands of their partners. Why’d you think there’s thousands of documentaries? Quite often their partners have never been violent until the day of tragedy itself.

Also and this sounds sinister but I’ll go there. From what you’ve written of how she can literally stop caring for your baby overnight shows the baby is literally disposable to her, collateral damage. How far would she go to ‘win’?
Stage something so the little one comes to harm in ‘your care’ to prove her point and make her look good? Or worse?

All the money in the world isn’t worth your peace.

Id honestly rather walk away to live in a BnB for a few months or go bankrupt than take that shit. You can recover from debt but you can’t recover from death.

just something to think about.

take care.

How are things @rosesarentred3 ? Still thinking of you x

I remember this thread, it chilled me to the bone. Hope you're OK and now safe@rosesarentred3 💐

I haven't posted on here for a while. I appreciate your messages. I've felt to ashamed really. We are still separated. Going through divorce. We've had mediation which was ridiculous. It's ended up I'm going to be paying for everything for our DC, nursery fees, everything for the dog and I've also had to transfer her half of my savings.

I haven't been to the police. It would seem ridiculous to go now when I'm still living here. The house should be fully sold with a completion date within the next few weeks. I don't even know what I'd want from going to the police. Feeling really down about it all.

You've nothing to be ashamed of! You've stuck to your guns & it sounds like this will all be over soon - you'll finally be able to move on, start to live for yourself & your small person. How you get to that point is irrelevant really, how much money it costs is totally unimportant. These things are messy, traumatic, but then they are done.

I see zero reason for shame & every reason to look forward to the future.

Just because you went to mediation doesn't mean you can't go to court and the police.

Every day is a step nearer freedom.

Congratulations on selling your house OP- that's a massive step.

Ive name changed but been here since your earlier thread.

Divorce, mediation, separation of assets is extremely unpleasant. But it is a moment in time, and it will pass.

You have brighter and happier days ahead.

She has worked fastidiously on damaging your self esteem and keeping control over big and small aspects of your life. Once you have your own space and some freedom you'll see the sun start breaking through these clouds. You'll feel so much lighter, and realise how much easier life is without someone sabotaging you.

You deserve to be free and happy. Your daughter deserves to see you free and happy.

Be kind to yourself. Seek support where you can. Give it time, you've been through a traumatic situation and you need to heal.

Look how far you've come and how much you have stayed determined despite everything! The immense pressure she put on you, and you carefully and quietly plodded along, planning the divorce, selling the house etc. The savings doesn't matter as she will be put of your life. You'd pay someone that amount to make her go away! She will get bored of your child and watch as contact fizzles out. You should be so proud of yourself.

Well done op, you're getting there.

The results of 'mediation' sound very inequitable...makes it clear how much she wasn't a 'partner' but a user. Probably better for you and your dd than legal wrangles though.

Hope everything goes smoothly with the house sale so you can move out and move on.

Thinking of you OP. I read this just now and thought of you

A little more of the article

Final bit - looks the most relevant!