Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

Yes, I wonder what your workmates made of it.

But you're the mum, not her?

Sorry for my ignorance, but this is madness. How can you both be on the birth certificate? If you're the mother then she can't be the mum and she definitely can't be the father so I'm well and truly confused.

@VeterinaryCareAssistant https://www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth#:~:text=Female%20couples%20can%20include%20both,certificate%20when%20registering%20the%20birth.

@Bitterballen that still doesn't make the wife/partner a parent. It makes her a step-parent, the same as hundreds of other people who marry a partner with a child.

Did you read it? It explains how two married women are able to both register a child and both be named on the birth certificate.

OP's wife has parental responsibility for their child, as she is named on the birth certificate, and she'd be treated as such in any divorce.

It's clearly not madness, and you calling it that is hardly helpful to the OP. You can be supportive without letting your homophobia show.

You can't continue to live like this. You will end up having a breakdown. I bet this is only a snippet and there's a whole heap more, some actions may seem small to you but they all add up and break you down slowly.

You need to get a good solicitor, get advice and make a plan.

Try speaking to your mother, I know you said she won't listen, but sometimes those we think won't be there for us, are, and vice versa.

@VeterinaryCareAssistant
The birth certificate allows you to write 2 parents. So LGBT parents can each have their name on the birth certificate if they're married, which we are. If they are not married, then the non biological parent would need to adopt the child. But we're married so we didn't need to do that.

I still don't really get it, because only one of you is the parent?

Surely, if/when you leave you can cut all ties with her because she's not related to your child.

They are both her parents and both have parental responsibility as both are on the birth certificate.. I don't understand what you aren't understanding??

Please educate yourself about same-sex relationships. You're embarrassing yourself.

I'm so sorry this is your world right now, your partner is a monster. You know this & are ready for change else you wouldn't reach out like this - so really you've already started the process.

Would it be worth approaching your mum with the words 'mum, I need help' - be clear from the outset that you need her & not just kind words like you're sounding off & want an ear.

It's worth reminding yourself, too, that your little one will have no recollection of any of this - none at all - they are too small. Which is all the more reason to do this sooner rather than later. Your partner might be a good mum but she's an appalling wife.

As for your friends, any that are worth keeping in the fallout are ones who will know that this is exactly what coercive control looks like.

You've got this! For you & your little one any situation is better than this.

Oh my love. This is a classic abusive tactic. You need to leave and then build everything up from then, when you actually can.

@VeterinaryCareAssistant tell you what, why don’t you go and read the link you were sent and then Google anything your confused by rather than playing innocent to harangue an abused woman? It’s all been spelt out for you. Catch yourself on.

💯

Would it be worth approaching your mum with the words 'mum, I need help' - be clear from the outset that you need her & not just kind words like you're sounding off & want an ear.

It really would be worth a try. She probably hasn’t said too much before now as she doesn’t want to interfere.

She stole your maternity leave. I don't think I could ever get past that. What an absolute bitch.

You are the victim of coercive control.

Coercive control is a crime.

Please, please contact Women's Aid.

OP I was in a relationship very similar to this. The confidence issue is a big problem but believe me, once you pull the trigger and leave/file for divorce you are taking back control, this will give you confidence.

The nice person you see when you talk about leaving isn't real, it's designed to hook you back in. The shit person is who they are. They will manipulate you by threatening suicide. Don't listen.

Get yourself a lawyer, look up grey rock method (you'll need this once you start the separation)

You can do this, I can tell you my life was so peaceful after I got my own place and got control back.

@Caerulea I might speak to my mum. It's just when I'll see her on my own really as my partner is always there. But it is possible to arrange it some time so I will speak to her. Thank you.

DP has been really nice yesterday and today. I can spot the moments where usually she would erupt, get mad, etc. she's still made little digs but when I've just casually replied without showing upset or anxiety, she's backed off. I can see her where she would usually react really badly but she's stopped herself.

The other day we were out, she started some random argument again in the car but I didn't respond. And then when I did it was with confidence and I was calm.
Then she apologised. I dropped her off as I was going somewhere. She opened the car door and started shouting and swearing at me.
Then shut the door again. Then opened it again and shouted some more.
Usually I would say 'please can we sort this out, I don't want us to fall out. Can we just talk about it?' But I didn't this time.
Each time she shouted I just said 'ok then, see you later'. And then drove off.

Since then she's being really nice, chatty, pleasant.
I know this is only temporary. I recognise this more for what it is.
It isn't giving me false hope that things have finally improved like it usually would. Usually during these times I would think she's amazing and I'm so happy, and we're so happy together and all is well again.
Only for it to brutally crash down again. It's as if it builds up in her and then she goes mad at some point.

So this time, I'm not getting my hopes up.

Well done on going out.
Tiny steps add up .
You are not at fault. You should not be ashamed or embarrassed.
You are in a very difficult abusive controlling relationship. Like a blinkers have been put on you and every now and again you see normatlity and recognise this is all wrong, but then the blinkers are put back on you.
Dp is so clever and manipulative in her handling of you.
Dp sounds once hellva cf and will never change.
But from your responses, deep down inside you your gut is telling you that it's wrong. You know inside that its a total shit fuck up and you have to leave.
That's the biggest part..
Acknowledging the relationship has to end.
For the sake of you and dc.

End it op however nasty it will be. End it.
Once its ended you will spend every day free and grateful you had the strength to do it.
I know.
I was you.
I ended it.
I am grateful and free.

Good luck

You are being emotionally blackmailed as well as abused, I've not read through all the posts but you need to leave.

@Caroparo52
Thank you. It is really hard, the thought of leaving. And all that will happen next. But I just know that now I fully realise all of this, I wouldn't want my DC to grow up with this.
Obviously she'd still have contact and we'd both see dc probably the same amount. But I just feel miserable most of the time and I don't want dc seeing that.
I want to feel free too.

A while ago, I spoke to an ex, I know I shouldn't have but I confided in them and said what had been happening because it was really hard and confusing for me at the time.

My partner is always saying I'm so difficult to live with and I make her life harder.
I told my ex who said 'you are such a good and kind person. You're not hard to live with. I should know, I lived with you for 5 years. You're the best and you deserve to be with someone who is going to treat you like you're amazing, because you are'.

I honestly nearly cried because my wife has never spoken to me like that, or told me anything like that. Just how hard it is living with me.