Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

@Bitterballen
I'm worried they'll think we cannot look after DC or that she isn't safe and then we're on some kind of 'watch list'. Or worse, they take her away. I know that is worse case scenario but it flashed through my mind when I saw the number for women's aid online.

She calls my therapist all sorts and says things like ' I don't know why you see her' then will say 'you need to speak to your therapist about such and such'.

Sometimes when I have my session which is online, I'll hear her outside the door. A couple of times I've gone out to see what she's doing and asked her to go away from the door. Then she'll ask 'don't you trust me? Do you think I was listening? Im sure you're saying bad things about me'. And then go on to slag off my therapist and tell me how useless she is etc.

She hasn't spoken to me all night and has gone to sleep in the spare room taking DC with her. DC does have her own room but I know this is part of her trying to 'take' DC away. I know that sounds like paranoid thinking but she's been doing that lately and then telling everyone that DC can't be without her and that she stays in the same bed as her. And that she can't put her down without her crying so she needs to get me to do it because she's always upset leaving DP etc. so I know she's planting seeds already for people.

@scoobysnaxx
She does that already where she plants seeds etc that she's the
'Main parent' and will even use those words that she's the main caregiver for DC.

I just can't help feel upset with myself that I've let this happen. And that I have lost precious time with DC by not having my maternity leave.

So many moments that I look back on that plague my mind and it feels physically painful to think about.
I would be on the settee and DC would fall asleep on me and my partner would say for me not to do that and put her down so she isn't on me all the time.

She said this because DC never fell asleep on DP and would always fall to sleep on me. It's like she tried to break any bond we could possibly have.

And I hate myself for letting it happen. I truly can't forgive myself. I feel weak and pathetic. How could I even do this?

This is one of the most shocking posts I've ever read. Please please leave. No more excuses, no need to feel embarrassed or bad, just leave. Move your savings, speak to womens aid and gear yourself up to get away from this quite frankly evil person. Nobody can live like this. Sending love ❤️

Ah an online therapist makes more sense. What is the reason she believes you're seeing the therapist?

I'm worried they'll think we cannot look after DC or that she isn't safe and then we're on some kind of 'watch list'. Or worse, they take her away. I know that is worse case scenario but it flashed through my mind when I saw the number for women's aid online.
They won't take her away. You are a victim of abuse and you need help.

Why don't you use the online chat function for WA if you're afraid of calling? Or get a second phone as suggested by PP?

You can keep posting giving more awful examples of what she's doing which may be very useful as a contemporaneous record in the future.

But you also need to start taking some action yourself in order to extract yourself and DC. And remember that you aren't committed to doing anything. Just take the first step and see how it feels. Do it for your baby, who deserves a proper relationship with her birth mother and isn't getting it.

@Bitterballen
I will contact WA.
She thinks I'm going for general life stuff etc. which I am. but she will ask if I've said anything bad about her sometimes.

I think she can sense some change because I've noticed she is actively speaking more to friends who are mutual but being really friendly and chatty & nice. It's like she's planning herself, how to make her look better when this ends, and that sets the scene for making me look bad, if that makes sense?

I'm feeling really paranoid. I'm also wondering if she has read this thread.

OP, you cannot control her actions or words to others.

All you can do is take action yourself.

The facts are she prevented you from taking mat leave.
You are bullied and abused.
What you have written is beyond shocking.

You desperately need to contact Women's aid, but I also believe her coercive control of you IS a police matter.

You are afraid of her. Asking to speaking to a Domestic Abuse specialist officer could be very helpful.

@billy1966
I'm going to contact them this week.
I'm feeling very embarrassed and ashamed at the moment when I'm thinking of the things I'm going to tell women's aid to get their view, opinion and advice.
And the incidents I'm thinking about just make me feel humiliated to tell someone else because of how weak it makes me look.

I go from thinking I'm over exaggerating and being dramatic to feeling really ashamed and annoyed with myself for being in this situation so long.

Talking to Women’s Aid will help. Can you not visit your counsellor rather than have your sessions online? I wouldn’t be able to relax knowing my abusive partner was outside the door!
once you leave, your head will be much freer because you won’t be consumed with having to second guess her all the time. Please leave. Your daughter is 1; you have years and years ahead of you with her to build the relationship with her you were denied. It WILL be fantastic. You can do this. Act now.

@Gooders1105
I could go and see her face to face but I know my partner would question this and wonder why I'm suddenly doing this now.
I have visited the women's aid site and read some information. And been on the forum to read others experiences.
A lot of them talk about being physically hit. Which hasn't happened to me. She's pushed me and thrown things etc. but hasn't hit me.

I was reading through the list that's on women's aid a couple of days ago at controlling behaviours. One of them said 'depriving food' and I though 'god that's never happened. How awful'.

Then this morning memories came to mind, not of 'food' exactly that I can think of.
But scenarios such as when I buy ice cream or we have chocolates given to us etc.
she will say I can't have them.

And I'll ask if I can have the ice cream or the chocolates and she will say no.
Then when I ask why she will say it's because she might want them at some point and she doesn't want me having it.

It will sit there for months. Sometimes the chocolates will go out of date.
I'll ask every now and then and she might say 'you can have a couple but not a lot'.

And with the ice cream, there was a time she said 'no' and months went by. Every now and then I'd asked to have some and the answer was always 'no, you're not being fair. Do you really want to eat it and then I've not had any?? No'.

Then one day we had family round. And she looked at everyone and said to them 'everyone watch this'
so everyone was looking at me and she looked me in the eye and said to everyone else while still looking at me 'hey kids, there's ice cream in the freezer if you want it'.

She smirked at me and my stomach dropped. I felt sick and like I was going to cry.
It wasn't because of the ice cream or that others were having it.
It's because it didn't feel right. It felt really weird. I was embarrassed.

When I think of things like that I either think I'm being really dramatic, over sensitive and need to get over myself.
But I also feel really embarrassed.

And embarrassed that I'm asking to have ice cream that I've just bought.

Please do not waste your energy on shame.

The shame is all hers.

I feel so desperately sorry for you.

This is such a shocking thread.

Every post is so dreadful.

Please just reach out to the police and Women's aid.

This will never change until you do.

Could your employer help you?

They will be very used to hearing from victims of coercive control; they won’t judge. And they’ll also be aware that these things happen by stealth; the control ratchets up gradually which affects your judgment.

Don’t feel ashamed. It’s not your fault you originally fell for this unpleasant person.

Bloody hell. Wtf gives her the right to say what you can eat when? I think you realise her level of control and manipulation and mind games, and that in a normal healthy partnership, you'd just eat your share of the treats whenever you wanted without having to ask.
'no, you're not being fair. Do you really want to eat it and then I've not had any?? No'. ... 'yes, I do want to eat my share now, that's perfectly fair, you can have yours whenever it suits you. '

A lot of them talk about being physically hit. Which hasn't happened to me. She's pushed me and thrown things etc. but hasn't hit me.

Forget that! It’s not relevant to your situation and your situation is bad. Coercive control is now a crime!

@ErrolTheDragon
If she said I couldn't eat that ice cream, I'd buy another for me to have and she would then be annoyed saying 'why did you buy that? We have some in the freezer, you could have just had that!'
Even though I couldn't have that and hadn't been able to for months.

Oh OP, please don't feel any shame. DA can, and does, happen to the strongest of us. You are not weak. You must be strong to have put up with it for this long!

Look, I volunteer for a DA charity, and what I've read on this thread has horrified me, please don't think that it's only DA if it's physical violence.

If you ring WA or a local charity, they are not going to be judging the level of DA you have experienced and they won't be calling SS to take your child away. They won't force you, or emotionally manipulate you, into doing anything you don't want to, so don't think that by calling them you are setting a chain of events off that you can't control. If you just want to talk, then you can just talk. If, later on, you decide you do want to leave, then they can help you with that, but they won't initiate anything unless it's what you want.

I have barely opened my eyes to read this this morning:

It is BEYOND shocking.

And OP, I am a Psychotherapist who frequently assesses women in domestic abuse situations. Even I am shocked.

Please continue reading. As you will see, there are many many types of abuse - emotional, financial, physical, sexual, coercive etc.

Please do not doubt for 1 more second that every 'little' thing you have written here is abuse. I assure you, it definitely is. The ice cream thing is an absolutely shocking display of abuse. The fact that you even have to ask to eat chocolates/ice cream is a sign that you are in an abusive dynamic. Let alone that she repeatedly denies it.

This woman is the worst of the worst and I sincerely hope one day she gets her comeuppance and is criminally charged.

You must contact Women's Aid without delay. The feelings you have of embarrassment, shame etc are completely normal. And it's makes DV workers and people like me FURIOUS when women feel this way because you have done nothing wrong.

You have done. Nothing. Wrong.

The feelings you have are a direct result (a purposeful result) of coercion. She wanted you to feel this way. Feeling weak is where she wants you.

Please don't stop reading the information on domestic abuse. The more you learn, the more you will relate and understand from a Birds Eye view what is happening. The stories you read and relate to can give you hope. Not knowing anything about abuse and assuming that it's not that bad because she doesn't hit me, is part of what is keeping you in this dynamic.

If I was your therapist and knew half of this I would be duty bound to report this to social services because the fact is your DD is exposed to an abusive environment. It doesn't matter that she is 1(?)

You must leave her but plan meticulously how to do this with support from Womens Aid.

They can offer you practical support and guidance, a support worker to contact weekly or more if needed.

They can support you to get an IDVA (Independent Domestic Abuse Advocate) who can also give you advice and support but inform you of your rights and options going forward.

Also explore your local authority website and look for info on domestic violence.

In the future (once OUT of this dynamic and the dust settled) you would GRATELY benefit from engaging in a domestic violence course to really understand what has happened to you and how to spot abusive behaviour again in the future to avoid this.

The Freedom Programme is fantastic. I refer a lot of people here:

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

In my area (Herts) I also refer clients to a service called Safer Places. They have an amazing programme called the Triple R Programme.

www.saferplaces.co.uk/therapeutic-programme

This might not be available in your area but I would expect something very similar is.

Again, I frequently refer people here and the feedback I've had some clients that have left abusive relationships and done this programme, is amazing.

They have learnt so so much and feel incredibly empowered.

They have also connected with other women on a very deep level and made friendships for life.

Please don't waste another second.

You've done really well this week to even explore the Women's Aid website and begin reading. First step done.

Now, let's focus on finding the right time and place to give them a call.

Go for it.

Please keep coming back to update us, we will continue to support you here too!!

OP I'm sorry this is so awful to read.

It's going to take a lot of strength and it's scary but you need to document and report this. Maybe confide in a reliable friend she doesn't know.

I remember your previous threads.
Please please make plans to leave. She is horrible.

OP I'm glad you're here so you have plenty of voices to help you resist this woman's abuse and manipulation. Pushing you is physical abuse and is as serious as striking you; throwing things, slamming doors, damaging property is also red red flag as her abuse has escalated beyond emotional. You are a strong and capable woman and Mum, and you can do this. Im glad you can at least have the privacy to be on this thread.

I have called women's aid. I was waiting so so so long. I was caller number 10. But the time I'm any closer to being answered, she's back again so I don't have a chance of speaking to someone!

I really don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I know she'll go to great lengths to take the baby from me. She really will.

I know she'll go to great lengths to take the baby from me. She really will.
Yes exactly. She already has. She will take your child from you if you remain in this marriage. Look what she's done so far, and your DD isn’t even 1. From what you've posted so far:

She stole your mat leave from you
She won't let you bathe your baby
She won't let you feed your baby
She won't let you hold your baby when she's sleeping
She won't let you do general caring tasks for your baby

Do you think this is going to get better if you stay?

First day at school
Christmas
Birthdays
Cuddles when she's hurt
Potty training
Storytime
Swimming/other fun activities for the first time
Playing together

Do you think she's going to allow you to do any of those things while you're in this marriage?

The only way you get a relationship with your DD is if you leave.

Keep trying Women's Aid. Engineer a situation when you're out for the day. Confide in a friend. Keep going. You can do this.

There might be somewhere with a private room like a leisure centre or library where you can go and use a private room to make a call. I’m on the waiting list for an adult protection course so can’t be sure. I’ll see if I can get hold of someone who has done the course on Tuesday and see what they say.

She is awful. She sounds sociopathic or something, just not fully human. I'm sorry you missed out on your time with your baby. Please do as advised, get a shit hot lawyer and get this woman out of your life.

This is why going to the police station and asking for help is a good idea.

This woman is a criminal committing a crime.

You poor woman.