Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

That's such a shame and yes you do not want you child to grow up witnessing this. Unfortunately she may grow up to think that behaviour and dynamic is acceptable and fall victim to accepting it, or worse, be like that herself! Either way it's damaging and you aren't happy.

Please please go and don't look back, now you really realise and really see it keep going forward. It will be hard but it will be SOOOO worth it in the end. True really honest happiness. You making your own decisions and not answering to anyone.

Get your ducks in line.

• Speak to Mum or a close friend for support.
• Contact Womens Aid or your local Woman's Centre for emotional support and advice.
• Seek advice from a solicitor who will tell you what to do with money etc, and tell you what your rights are and what the process is.

Knowledge is always power. It will be hard but right now what is probably most hard is not know how this whole 'leaving thing' actually works, not knowing where to start!

Gather as much information, guidance and support as possible. It will keep you on track at times when you feel weak or like giving up or she tries to manipulate you back. And keep pushing forward, step by step. And it will be over one day. Feeling are always temporary. We don't get time/life back! Xx

Well done you getting validation as to who is the real YOU..
Please believe what your ex said. You are that person inside struggling to re emerge.
Skillful abusers totally delude your concept of who you are/ used to be.

I ended the marriage for my myself and my children in the end. Because whatever the outcome had to be better than the torment we all lived with.
And yes, the other side ( it was very shit going through divorce- the lies told....), is a zillionzillion times better now.
Good luck.
Believe that you deserve a decent life for you and dc

My partner is always saying I'm so difficult to live with and I make her life harder.

This is a common tactic by the abuser. It's designed to destroy your self-confidence and persuade you that you deserve the treatment they are dishing out.

You don't deserve the treatment you are getting and your baby deserves to grow up in a healthy relationship with you, even if they are subjected to an unhealthy relationship when they have contact with your wife.

@scoobysnaxx
Thank you. I really appreciate that. And I'll read back over this message again. Thank you.

It's DC's birthday party today. DP has told me she hates what I'm wearing and wants me to change.
I haven't changed. But now I hope I don't look stupid with what I'm wearing.

I haven't changed. But now I hope I don't look stupid with what I'm wearing.

Well done OP. Baby steps. I'm sure you don't but even if you do - who cares? The freedom to look stupid in your own choice of clothes is a great feeling isn't it

I agree.

She is a dangerous monster.

You desperately need to contact Women's aid and your GP.

Tell the truth.

You were forced to return to work by her.

Absolutely barbaric.

Stop thinking well of this terribly abusive woman.

You need to protect yourself and be very clever.

Reach out for support, legally and from Women's aid, GP.

Tell the truth.

She is controlling, abusive, and you are scared of her and her threats to kill herself.

Make sure to tell everyone she constantly threatens you that she will kill herself.

I am so sorry, but she is a monster.

Abusers are very sensitive to their victims and she can sense your pulling away, your responding differently, her losing control.

She will try to manipulate, intimidate, threaten and butter you up.

100% manipulation.

Everything she has told you about yourself, your friends and family are complete lies.

All with the intention of controlling you.

This is a really bad, evile, vile woman.

Start telling those that care for you the truth.

She really is a monster.

So far I've had quite a few compliments on what I'm wearing.
However, what people are doing (which is very often the case) is saying how hard DP has worked to create this party. I get no recognition whatsoever as DP often makes out I don't do anything to contribute and that I just laze about doing nothing while she does all the hard work.

Now I am tracking this, I realise just how many put downs I get in a day. Lots. What I wear, what I'm doing or not doing and what she tells people about me.

It's actually really hard the more I'm noticing it. And I hate the thought of everything thinking this way about me too.

I think keeping a written record of all the insults, including passive aggressive digs, is a really good idea.

Yes keep your eyes peeled WIDE FRICKIN OPEN. Now you see it as it's happening, you cannot unsee it. This makes it really hard to deal with now and in the moment, but will protect you in the long term and keep your eyes on the prize and end goal of LEAVING.

She is vile. I'm glad you've got some compliments.

Either way if you want to walk around in a bin liner with last nights dinner down it then that's your bloody choice!

Also, as someone else said, she is likely to become very sensitive to any changes she sees in you. When that happens it's likely that she'll either a) become more abusive and cruel in an attempt to lower your self esteem and confidence and therefore reduce the likelihood you'll try to leave her or b) turn on the charm, become more affectionate etc to get you to doubt yourself and start thinking it's not that bad.

DONT FALL FOR ANY OF IT!!

Go go go, we're all behind you xxx

@scoobysnaxx
You're right that it's hard to unsee. Then I wonder if I'm being paranoid because I'm seeing so many things as controlling behaviours and manipulation.
She was bragging how she knows how to manipulate people she works with and I thought to myself 'yep. That's what you do with me too'.

She also keeps suggesting things such as purchases etc that would be for the long term. I've noticed she does this whenever I'm distant. Such as suggesting booking a holiday for a few months away, as if to test it I still intend on being here.

Now she wants me to buy something expensive for the house. When I've hesitated she's said 'why don't you want to fucking buy it?'

Probably because normally I just buy it because I'll get grief otherwise.

What a brilliant post. Never looked at it in this way before.

@rosesarentred3 what's stopping you taking the next step, and getting some independent advice and help?

@Bitterballen
I don't know. I feel a bit scared.
I just feel like there's a block there so I can't take the next step. I can't really describe it. It's just like a block. I know what I need to do. It's just so hard to actually do it.

Can you break it down a little bit? Rather than the concept of just "leave" with all the enormous-feeling implications that entails, can you just do one thing (with no commitment in your mind), such as talk to women's aid? And that's it, for the moment?

Breaking it down is a good idea. For this week, how about finding two solicitors in your area that handle divorces and offer a free initial consultation? If you’re on a local Facebook site, they’re often really good for recommendations (and you can just browse if you can’t post anonymously). Or if you say vaguely where you are in the country, people here might be able to recommend firms.

I appreciate “divorce” might seem a long way off, but if you can get a steer on the process and who might be entitled to what, and how child custody might work, that might be quite helpful to know, even if you don’t do anything with that knowledge for a while. It could help you formulate next steps in relation to actually leaving.

@Bitterballen @WhoHidTheCoffee

I am struggling with calling women's aid because she can see the calls I make as we have a joint phone contract.

There is a local one I could drive to but I have a tracker in my car which tracks and notifies her of my location.
So those things are hard.

However, after the incident that's just happened, it's really made me feel like I need to tell her I can't be with her anymore.

I've been up since 5am with the baby. I woke DP up at 8am.
Which would give her an hour to get ready for work.
She's late for work so she's just gone mad at me that it's my fault because she's like my mummy having to look after me all the time, telling me she does everything for me and I can't do anything for myself.

Then when I replied calmly saying 'that isn't true. It isn't my fault you're late' she then started mimicking my voice making fun of me. And has stormed out of the house.

This isn't unusual. This is very very common and happens regularly so it isn't surprising to me. It's just added to the fact that my life is spent being criticised, ridiculed, walked over.

I run my own business. I'm successful with work. I've spent years having ivf which I also paid for. She didn't pay a penny towards it.
And then she's had the full maternity leave.
During the maternity leave I was expressing several times per day and during the night because she wanted to feed the baby by bottle to bond with her so I never directly breastfed.

I was still getting up in the night with DC while DP was off on shared parental leave, and then I'd be up wit the baby in the morning from 6am and DP would have a lie in until 9.30am before I had to go to work. So she's not had it too bad really.

I've worked and paid for everything. Mortgage, bills, shopping, holidays and cars. Yet she stands there shouting at me that she's like my mummy and she needs to look after me because I can't take care of myself??

it's really made me feel like I need to tell her I can't be with her anymore

But in your order of actions, this is the last thing on your to-do list.

This is going to sound a bit harsh, but from your posts, it's almost like you imagine you are going to tell her you want to leave and she will help you and you will jointly arrange the dissolution of the relationship.

You know it's not going to happen like that.

You need to do all your homework and get everything lined up first.

Women's Aid have an online chat, or can you call from work.

Is there any way you can get that tracker disabled?
Get yourself a basic PAYG phone. Nokia still does some cheap ones, I've got one for emergencies, decent battery life so it doesn't need charging often. I would guess women's aid are familiar with this and won't expect all the women calling them to be using a smart phone.

Every-time you shared more about her she's seems more and more deranged and abusive.

She has a tracker in your car??

You'll clearly be just bloody fine on your own. It's her who will struggle with no one to beat on!

Do you have a work phone you could use to contact them? Or use a work email to email them?

Yes agreed. Telling her is the LAST thing. I know it's hard but don't lose your cool! Try and act normal

Get a super cheap pay as you go phone.

When could you use it?

Are they ANY times you are alone?

When does she/you go to work?

As others have said, break 'leaving' down into minute steps; get a phone/plan a time to call women's aid/mum etc. Just focus on the next little step in front xx

Every time you post she just sounds worse and worse. Yes, absolutely deranged. You sound like her prisoner. And you are not.

In terms of practicalities, can you get the tracker taken off your car? If not, is there somewhere near Women's Aid where you could park up and walk the rest. Don't know what work you do but could you be somewhere related to your work.

I would second the cheap Nokia phone. You may even have an old one somewhere; you would just need a new number.