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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is this an unhinged thing to say?

235 replies

cteevee · 06/07/2023 13:16

Been seeing ExDP for the past nine months.

He hates the thought of me being with anyone else.

Today he has asked me if I have slept with anyone else, because the last time we had sex I "felt different".

Is this even a thing? Wtf?!

OP posts:
Soakitup37 · 06/07/2023 16:42

cteevee · 06/07/2023 14:29

Sorry, I should have been more clear.

He was/is my ex. We were previously in a relationship. We have now been seeing each other again for nine months, albeit not "officially" together.

It is a relationship for all intents and purposes.

He's paranoid about me sleeping with other people, but I haven't slept with anyone else the whole time we've been back on.

Willing to bet you’re not “officially” together because either you have to hide your relationship from other people that know you shouldn’t be together or he’s hiding you because he’s seeing someone else as well.

category12 · 06/07/2023 16:45

What on earth are you doing in a not-relationship for 9 months with a man who doesn't trust you and who you previously broke up with for no doubt excellent reasons?

Why is the relationship on the down-low?

Why are you pandering to his sexual jealousy?

What were the problems in the relationship that led to the split?

Quiverer · 06/07/2023 16:45

cteevee · 06/07/2023 14:50

Thank you everyone, I needed to read these comments.

He makes me feel like I am overreacting.

Last time he said something similar to this and I got riled up he said "sensitive cteevee strikes again".

Tell him to piss off. And if he makes a fuss about that, say "Sensitive cteevee-ex strikes again."

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 06/07/2023 16:45

Unless you have a memory foam vagina, I dont understand why he says you feel different? He should become your ex again. Sounds controlling and awful.

LittleRedYarny · 06/07/2023 16:50

cteevee · 06/07/2023 13:16

Been seeing ExDP for the past nine months.

He hates the thought of me being with anyone else.

Today he has asked me if I have slept with anyone else, because the last time we had sex I "felt different".

Is this even a thing? Wtf?!

This is a red flag, he’s looking to find out if there was anyone else between the two relationships… which is none of his beeswax.

Ask yourself this, if you’re honest and say yes/no I slept with other people will that be the end of it or will he want to know more? If he wants to know more and hears something he doesn’t like, how will he react? Let these answers guide what you do next.

astarsheis · 06/07/2023 16:53

cteevee · 06/07/2023 15:10

I have asked him if he means looser.

He said yes, I felt a little looser but also just different and that it's hard to explain.

Why would you encourage an answer to that question...my reply would have been...'maybe you're just not as big as you used to be'.
Maybe his cock is just not rising so well to the occasion.

SauronsArsehole · 06/07/2023 16:57

cteevee · 06/07/2023 15:10

I have asked him if he means looser.

He said yes, I felt a little looser but also just different and that it's hard to explain.

OP I’d be telling him maybe it’s his dick that has shrunk.

he clearly has no idea how a vagina works and having sex with one other man will have zero effect on the ‘looseness’ of your vagina no matter how many men claim it does.

CapEBarra · 06/07/2023 17:04

Not only that - he’s been shagging you for the last nine months but you’re still not officially a couple, so you’re basically a fuck buddy and could shag whoever you wanted this whole time - as can he and I’ll bet he is and he’s projecting his own behaviour onto you. He’s not even your boyfriend yet he’s trying to control you.

MollysBrolly · 06/07/2023 17:05

That made me laugh, fanny feels different. He could have been dull just asked if you'd had sex with others.
i do hope you had some witty reply before telling him to fuck off

Clementineorsatsuma · 06/07/2023 17:07

WilkinsonM · 06/07/2023 13:30

Horrible, controlling, demeaning and almost certainly behaviour of an abusive man.

Yes. This. Absolutely.

Clementineorsatsuma · 06/07/2023 17:10

So regardless of it being unhinged, does he think that you should not have slept with anyone else whilst he was an ex?
Ever?
Does he think he owns you?

Think about it OP.

Then run.

Playingchesswithpigeons · 06/07/2023 17:21

I understand you havn't been with anyone else, whilst with him now ( last 9 months)
He is intimating, you have been sleeping with an other whilst split up & he can feel a difference the absolute fuc**n weirdo.
Does he know/have you denied having a sexual relationship whilst you were split? Does he believe you?
He's trying to either make you feel guilty/catch you out.

OP, you probably DO feel different on a subconcious level and can't quite let go intimately, because you havn't quite forgiven him/don't love him like you did.

You have BOTH been through a break up, you have changed mentally at least, navigating thoughts & feelings of regret, anger & sadness, heartache during this time. You are not the same person.

I agree with the majority, you're saying he said something unhinged,( he did ) it's not how you would talk of someone you truly love and therein lies the answer!

DiolchamFawr · 06/07/2023 17:23

For the love of all that is holy, let this POS remain an ex

Dachshund40 · 06/07/2023 17:26

OP it doesn’t fucking matter if you slept with anyone else whilst separated from him, he’s possessive and playing mind games

Izzy54321 · 06/07/2023 17:28

He needs to be your ex again, this is a huge red flag. I bet you he won’t stop asking he will keep bringing it up because he won’t believe you. Also if you had of had another relationship in the 9 months you separated so what!!! Did he?? Really he will say it again it might not be today but he will because he has already convinced himself it felt different, run and run fast.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 06/07/2023 17:29

Apart from dripping in misogyny, your bloke sounds a bit thick tbh. Does he actually believe that willies make a difference to your vagina? He does know that babies come out of there? And they don't remain the size of a 7llb baby having come through iuswim?

I just have the ick even thinking about him saying this. It would be the last time he got chance to put his, presumably micro-penis up there tbh.

2catsandhappy · 06/07/2023 17:31

Has he got used to his own tight grip? That, or he is just a jealous idiot. Dump him pronto, it will never get better than this.

huntingcunting · 06/07/2023 17:37

Why did you split up with him?
And why the fuck did you get back with him?
And why are you still with him after he made those comments?

Dump this tosser and do some serious work on your own self-esteem.

P1ckledonionz · 06/07/2023 17:49

cteevee · 06/07/2023 15:24

Most of the time, yes. But things like this sour it.

Show quote history

Yes, it really does sour the whole relationship doesn't it. i mean you can't unhear what he's said or unhave that unhinged conversation. Flowers, gifts, nice words, nothing can undo the controlling thread he has started to wrap around this relationship.

A decent man who doesn't tend toward abuse would never say such unhinged things.

It is not rocket science to think to say "I'm feeling a bit insecure at the moment, can you reassure me that you care for me?" (IF that was what it actually was about!) without being posessive and controlling of your sexuality, which is a big deal btw, and which clearly is his intention. Then he tries to gaslight you by saying he's trying not to make it a big deal. Ugh.

Plus everything else everyone said about him in this thread.

It is unhinged. Dump him.

Thatboymum · 06/07/2023 17:52

I’d rather eat my own shit than be with this “man”

Mumsanetta · 06/07/2023 18:04

Maybe his penis is smaller?

You managed to LTB once, suggest you do it again but this time keep the door shut.

Unknownunknowns · 06/07/2023 18:07

How many people did he have sex with while you were "on a break"? Bet it's lots more than you!
Not that it should matter, as you weren't in a relationship.
Please, please, please dump him again!! 9 months into this 2nd (or more?) Chance relationship and he won't commit? But you were to save yourself for him while you weren't together? It's all so wrong!!

Hibiscrubbed · 06/07/2023 19:57

How on earth are you even entertaining this cunt? Let alone putting his penis in you?! Fucking hell.

He was/is my ex. We were previously in a relationship. We have now been seeing each other again for nine months, albeit not "officially" together.

So you’re not in a relationship, you’re just shagging.

His paranoia suggests not only ‘controlling cunt’, but ‘controlling cunt who’s shagging other people and is worried you might be too, so is being a cunt to you to keep you suitably desperate to please him’.

MsRosley · 07/07/2023 16:29

Jealous gaslighting misogynist - what a catch!

pollymere · 07/07/2023 17:56

Anyone who suggests you feel looser is definitely trying to make you feel bad that you've had other partners (unless you've just had a baby).

If he wants to try again with your relationship, he needs to get over this and fast.