To buy a home without a room for my MIL?

[Mastmw7g]

We're buying a home and I was excited, then DH told MIL that all the bedrooms will be upstairs and she said she can't walk upstairs to sleep. My parents said something similar-- that my stepfather has knee problems that make navigating stairs difficult. I was so excited before but now I feel downtrodden that our families don't share our excitement.

If my parents want to give me a few hundred thousand so I can get a bigger house with an extra bedroom and bathroom for them, I'll do it.

We would compromise for our family.

@FluffyFlannery

You would choose a 3 bed flat with no garden for your kids, over a 3 bed house, to accommodate guests that visit twice a year?

That depends on the house.
I had an elderly Aunt with the same issue. The stairs stopped at the front door. There physically wasn't enough space to fit a lift.

A house is the biggest purchase you’ll make , it has to suit you. Is there a budget hotel nearby they could stay in if it’s such an issue for them ?

I've never had a guest room in any house I've owned in 30 years. I bought my first aged 23 and now own one aged 53 with my husband. I've always kept it simple and have never been well off enough to buy anything big enough to accommodate more than myself and my family. I have generally had a sofabed so there is somewhere for one or two people to stay if necessary and they have been used occasionally over the years. But that sofabed has been part of our living space, not a dedicated separate room. If they don't like what you have available they could stay in a nearby hotel like Premier Inn or Travelodge, which is what my relatives have generally done over the years. But like some others on here, DH and I are both introverts and are quite happy not to accommodate overnight guests and if we visit others we have done the same.

it's not low at all. You are being ridiculous if you imply that people can't afford spare bedrooms for occasional guests, family or not, because they don't make an effort, and you are the one mentioning the fact that you are Chinese which has nothing to do with anything.

Normal parents don't expect their children to make ridiculous sacrifices to provide them with a guest room either btw. There are better ways to show gratitude.

I have to admit I was thinking this.

Getting on housing ladder decade and half ago was hard enough - it's now much harder. One we factored in price commutes schools and space for people living in the house - there were already compromises and we were usually down to one or two houses anyway.

Airbnb

Then he needs to stay in a hotel when they are visiting. As you say, he is not buying the house, you and your dh are and it's for you.

I'm not Chinese nor rich but share your sentiments.

It was a conversation, why wouldn't both sets of parents raise concerns when talking to their children....

Op hasn't said they want her to buy a different house, just that they were disappointed it didn't have a ground floor bedroom.

As before, the response along the lines of, "it's a shame we can't afford a bigger house and love having you stay, but there's x b&b/hotel for when and if you can't manage the stairs anymore"
Would have shown they care but it's out of their hands/affordability.

Yet most of the responses on here are pretty much "Do one! "

OP likes having them stay which is a positive.

Hotels exist.
stair lift suggestion up thread is f ridiculous unless parents are paying for the house.

My parents have recently stopped staying with my sister because they can't manage the sofa bed. DSis thinks my dad is being grumpy and doesn't want to stay away from home overnight, but the main reason is he can't get up from the low bed.

thehoneymonster
Who even considers this when buying a house?!

I did, but I am older and have an adult child with disabilities. One reception room could be a permanent bedroom and there is a downstairs shower room. I wouldn't want to live in a house without a downstairs loo either.However the situation here isn't the same and the parents should just take themselves off to a hotel for their visit.

---

Obviously an elderly person or someone with a physical disability will consider the layout and accessibility of the home they are buying, to suit their needs.

But buying a house based on the needs of a very rare overnight visitor is bonkers.

It is not that common when house hunting to consider what might happen if you randomly need knee surgery and need a temporary downstairs bedroom.

I think your approach is very warm and caring and I do think we have a different attitude towards older people in this culture. I applaud you for this. But I also think there are generally not expectations to provide a guest room for elderly parents in this country and houses are not generally built with the idea in mind, particularly affordable ones. Most houses at the cheaper end of the market will not have a separate downstairs room or a full downstairs bathroom. So to find one would probably mean sacrificing other things you need in a house, or stretching your budget too much, or impossible based on affordability. I have always found it hard enough finding something affordable enough to meet our overall needs and a bedroom for each child. DS2 age 16 has had a tiny box room as his bedroom for most of his life and he is moving to DS1's bigger room as he is going to uni in September. But when he comes home in the holidays he will have a tiny box room. It is reality.

People on Mumsnet are crackers

Sounds a bit like my MIL, I use the spare room as an office since Covid. She didn’t like that there was a desk and computer in ‘her room’. She stays once a year at Christmas, we nipped that this year with DH taking her home at 10.30pm (it’s a ten minute drive). It’s certainly not and will never be ‘her room’, she also wanted to choose the decor..

I agree. Putting in a walk in shower etc and making adaptations will cost £££ and I presume they arent going to contribute to that! Surely it would be far cheaper all round for them to stay nearby

our parents would certainly never make demands but as their children, we would ensure we did the right thing by them. Each situation is different I know, but I’m appalled at the harshness of the responses as if parents are non-entities and mean nothing. I’m just so grateful to be Chinese when I read all of them. What I’m reading is inhumane. If you think so little if family, why continue the line? I just hope the children of these posters show more humility and responsibility to their elders when they (the posters) reach their dotage.

Putting your own parents in a hotel? Never!

I just feel the love 🤦‍♀️

I cannot get over the fact that pp on here think that the op should choose a house (she and her DP pay for it) to accommodate PIL or Dparents who stay 2 weeks out of 52!
… or that they should of course put in a stair lift or buy an outdoor building.
Just crackers !

the cost of a stairlift or outdoor building would far exceed the cost of a few nights in a premier inn or a sofa bed in the dining room or whatever.

Plus last time I looked 99% of homes have bedrooms upstairs - where are all these properties with downstairs bedrooms that the op has to fork out extra (30/40k?) for anyway?

OP don’t let them take the shine off your new house .

then give them your bedroom and go in the hotel yourself, or stay with friends nearby.

Works too.

Thank you for the nicer response. I understand that. I really do. My gripe is about the posters here who seem to be devoid of any love or compassion for those that have raised them. It’s awful to read.

I can sleep in the floor. Why would I not want to spend every precious moment with those whom I adore?