To buy a home without a room for my MIL?

[Mastmw7g]

We're buying a home and I was excited, then DH told MIL that all the bedrooms will be upstairs and she said she can't walk upstairs to sleep. My parents said something similar-- that my stepfather has knee problems that make navigating stairs difficult. I was so excited before but now I feel downtrodden that our families don't share our excitement.

🫣oh no !

This seems to have scared them off!

My parents have lived in single storey accommodation for over 30 years. DM would moan when she visited my 3 storey townhouse about the number of stairs, but mostly in jest - "I'm not used to stairs!"

In reality, when your parents' mobility starts becoming that much of an issue that they need ground floor accommodation, the likelihood is that they won't be coming to stay anyway. As they get older it will be easier for you to visit them, rather than the other way around.

I would just say "well, we need a home with garden space for the DC and unfortunately our budget doesn't stretch to a bungalow or something with a ground floor guest suite"

I've got a Chinese DIL. They live in a 1 bed placewith no room for a decent sized sofa let alone an extra bed. If I was staying over I wouldn't think twice about a b&b because I'm sensible about what they can afford in the area they work. Does that make British parents more considerate? Of course not, but you may wish to address your racial biases.

....which the 'guests' should be paying for, not the OP and her DH, if that's even a possibility.

My love - this is your home not a BnB or a retirement village.

Of course the bedrooms are upstairs - 99% of bedrooms are. The olders are being selfish and ridiculous.

Congratulations and hope all goes well.

Yes I agree with this. I certainly know my kids will put their and their children’s needs first as they definitely should. If we visit we can stay in an Airbnb or an hotel. Enjoy your home

Sounds ideal 😁

My parents do not have stairs in their home. They're 73, so they are older.

My MIL is only 59, but has a lot of health issues so my parents are actually more mobile. She does not go upstairs in her home. FIL is 58 and has no problem going up and down stairs.

We could visit them more. That would solve this. It's time and money. I should let them know we'll have more money to visit now that we're not saving to buy a house.

Ugh it's bloody cheeky when people think they should have a say/ opinion over things like this

We moved earlier in the year and asked my dad to do the second viewing with us for a second opinion - he was then talking about how happy my mum will be having use of a spare room with an en suite with a bath! Er I don't think so. I think we'll be getting first dibs over the bedroom allocation.

It seemed like a good idea to take him along, but maybe not

Why can’t your parents/ MIL use the stairs? My mum, who is 95, has to hold on to things as she walks around the house but she manages going upstairs to bed every night. There is is rail on both sides of the stairs.

There's also hotels nearby for them. Airbnb would also be an option.

The house is not too big for us. DH will use the guest room as an office.

My parents are now saying that they'll manage the stairs if we bring up their things. The guest room/office is up another flight of stairs, though, so she's suggesting I buy one of the kids a bigger bed and then that kid can sleep in the guest room/office. I think that's a good idea.

Sounds like the perfect solution!

All sounds very reasonable op!

OP, many posters on Mumsnet are kinder to pets than humans.
Only you know the values you uphold in your family.
If you value relatives irrespective of age and multi-generational family ties then consider if you wish to continue searching. However be mindful the UK places little value on humans in old age so houses aren't build with the flexibility of a bedroom and shower room on the ground floor.
I'm facing a similar difficulty, looking for a house we can accommodate older relatives on the ground floor. It's only human to take care of, be responsible for, thoughtful and kind to one's family members especially the vulnerable ones.

I hadn't thought of that🙄

It's good that your parents are willing to try.

If there's a downstairs toilet then they don't need to be up & down stairs more than once a day.

Obviously for MIL that won't work.

You can't buy a house for other people.

Perhaps instead of being annoyed she should be pleased that she has been able to stay up until now & not have to pay for a hotel/b&b.

Lovely OP, all about communication and what you're happy doing as a couple.

Great that you have a good relationship and can talk openly with both sets of parents.

@Delectable has said it well.

Great to value family relationships and find solutions instead of the majority of saying sod them.

It sounds to me like buying this property will improve the lives of the op's children 52 weeks of the year. The idea from some that they should wait or overspend to prioritise the parents' needs for a couple of weeks a year is incomprehensible to me. I would hate for my kids to do that. We choose to have our children so imo they should be our number one priority.

Great to value family relationships and find solutions instead of the majority of saying sod them.

Well if op had asked if it's reasonable for them to want help with their bags and to stay in the most convenient room then I think the responses might have been different.

Hi, OP - when DH and I stopped planning our house around guests who stay with us for a combined total of fewer than 20 nights a year, we suddenly started to unlock ways to use the space that are so, so much better for us. Go for it!

If your parents don't have any particular health issues I don't see why they can't go upstairs at 73!

You say your mother in law is 59 with health problems do they actually stop her climbing steps? If so when she visits it might be better for her to stay on a hotel or a AirBnB.
Most houses have bedrooms upstairs and many don't have downstairs toilets either.
Enjoy your new home and don't let others make you question your decision. It's sounds the right move for your immediate family.

Op that sounds like a good solution for your parents. When it's just the child that's in the bed I'd have it against the wall the way you would with a single.

The MIL sounds like it's much more problematic for her esp as she doesn't go upstairs in her own house. I think the only sensible solution there is to use the nearest travel lodge, probably cheaper than Air BnB.

But if her mobility is really that poor she may well struggle to visit regardless of your housing situation.

They sort of do, as using the relevant joints and muscles is the best way to speed up their recovery.
it would depend on the injury and age of the person- mil and dm were both asked did they live in bungalows as they were told they’d find stairs very difficult (mil had knee replacement, dm didn’t). A flight of stairs is a huge thing for someone recovering to manage

Some of the replies on this thread are very strange! I’m disabled with mobility issues so when I visit my DC and DGC I always stay in an accessible hotel room nearby. It means that I avoid moving anyone out of their usual bed and don’t need to worry about climbing narrow stairs or navigating awkward bathrooms.

I’m from a very loving, close family but wouldn’t dream of expecting my DCs to choose their home based on my needs.

@Mastmw7g I hope all goes well with your move to a new home and you have many happy years living there.