To buy a home without a room for my MIL?

[Mastmw7g]

We're buying a home and I was excited, then DH told MIL that all the bedrooms will be upstairs and she said she can't walk upstairs to sleep. My parents said something similar-- that my stepfather has knee problems that make navigating stairs difficult. I was so excited before but now I feel downtrodden that our families don't share our excitement.

100%

This is your home, you cannot make decisions based on people who will spend 4 weeks out of 52 in it and what they want.
Yes they are family and of course you want to see them but you have to prioritise your families needs not there's.

Give them a list of nearest hotels?

You buy the house you want

they want to stay they can sleep in the lounge on, a bed settee, or get a air BnB

this is your house. Not theirs.

I might look into a Murphy bed of you wanted to set up a proper bed for them

Get a stairlift, another option is a starlit downstairs. They make it work for as long as they can and then it becomes the norm for you to visit them.

I've had this with my own parents. My mum refuses to share a room with my dad (her husband!), so will expect to take up two beds (including linen) and two rooms if they stay. It's unbelievable. My dad likes to sleep on the sofa outside so often does that in the warmer months (we're not in UK, it's not quite as crazy as it sounds). When we did live in the UK we did include a downstairs toilet and shower as part of a renovation, to accommodate her, along with hiring a stair lift for the duration of her stay. She complained that the shower cubicle was too small. You cannot win.

I guess what I'm saying is buy the house you want to live in, research local accommodation options for over night visitors, and enjoy yourfreedom from hosting!

What rubbish.
It's great that you have enough money and somewhere stable to stay so you can 'continue to search'. Not everyone can. Doesn't mean they don't value their family! You cannot be 'thoughtful and kind' if you just can't afford it.

Also @Delectable @FluffyFlannery I'm from an Asian culture that values multigenerational living and actually If our parents wanted us to consider them they'd give us money for renovating.

They wouldn't just expect us to find a space. That would be Dishonoroable quite frankly

Exactly. And sometimes how kind and thoughtful we are about these things reflects how much kindness and thoughtfulness we got as children about this sort of thing.

Like some previous OP's, my parents insist on separate rooms and beds from each other. My mother can't handle my father's snoring. When I was a child I had to suck up being kicked out of my room for weeks on end for guests and was told to deal with it and I had no rights as I didn't pay for the home. When we went on holiday I had to share with two snorers and my parents thought it was hilarious that they kept me up all night and laughed at me. So now I say, suck it up, deal with it, you have no rights, it's my home. Actually I never say it, but if you raise me with the idea that you just have to suck up discomfort as a person who doesn't pay for the property, don't complain when it comes back at you.

If they’re not contributing financially they don’t get an opinion.

if they’re providing a hefty deposit they probably do feel entitled to a say. However it’s still rude of them.

TBH it would be reason enough for me to go ahead and buy - if it meant my MIL COULDN’T stay the night 😂

Near by hotel rooms would provide privacy!
there’s a travelodge at the end of our road. It is a great facility for guests! 😂

My husband has chronic arthritis, now has had 2 full knee replacements and has always slept upstairs. The first few days he went up and down on his bum, not terribly dignified but not impossible either!

I worried about this - as my parents are quite elderly (mum is 73, dad is 89 this year). All our bedrooms are up stairs and my dad lives in spain so only comes 1/2 a year. He manages just to go upstairs the one time for bed and one time to come down in morning, as we have bathroom on bottom floor - once he is down for the day no more stairs.
if he gets too old and can’t do stairs we will invest in a sofa bed or blow up mattress.
i have 2 kids under 3 so sadly can’t make sacrifice for my parents when I need to prioritise the kids. This will be our family/ forever home - whereas to be harsh, my parents won’t, so have to make the decision for the needs of the kids for next few decades!

I think a downstairs toilet is essential for visiting elders but a downstairs bedroom. They wouldn't like dd2's flat as the living room is upstairs!

Then they can go and stay in a hotel.

Dd2's Chinese MiL has bought houses for each of her 3 children for upwards of £1 million each. Dd2 and her dh are renovating their house with some of the monies not used in their original purchase. I don't think MiL is getting involved in this though I expect dd2 will have a guest room with ensuite for visitors (upstairs).

If my mother or MIL want to buy me a house and have that kind of budget, it seems quite reasonable to ensure there is a space for them to stay when they visit.

I had a TKR, and also managed stairs.

I'm sure some people manage beautifully, but mobility isn't binary.

By way of example):
One of my parents has osteoporosis and has had multiple fractures to the legs including femur, hip replacements and knee replacement before 70yo. Add on years worth of fractures to the spine and they are very bent over and have uneven leg lengths from poorly healed breaks and multiple surgeries, let alone pain issues.

Another parent needs a hip replacement (probably both actually) and is currently stubbornly refusing surgery. Also has shoulder issues linked with trying to rely on crutches and years of doing all the physical help and care of the other parent.

Both require walking aids, both struggle to haul themselves up the stairs using the bannisters, and both would struggle to sit down onto the stairs let alone stand up at the end if they went up and down the stairs on their bums.

Just because your own mobility and the surgery allows you to do things, doesn't mean everyone will have the same experience....

Reduced mobility is very common and stairs may well be the nemesis of many!

We bought a sofa that was also a bed. My IL have slept happily in our sitting room. I do have a downstairs bathroom though. But if it's just for one night, they don't need a shower.

DH needs to intercede here and tell his mum that she is welcome to stay over occasionally, but the rooms are for you and your DH, and the kids.

I bought a house with a extra livingroom that can double as guest room downstairs. Its very convenient.

I suppose that’s a good thing then, which means they can visit but not stay over ? 😆
I would never buy a house thinking about visits to be honest

Could you use one of the downstairs rooms as a guest bedroom? Maybe you have a small second sitting room that would work if you put in a couch cum bed? Or if you have a decent sized garden and the budget you could build a summer house/guest room?