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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy a home without a room for my MIL?

312 replies

Mastmw7g · 06/07/2023 03:23

We're buying a home and I was excited, then DH told MIL that all the bedrooms will be upstairs and she said she can't walk upstairs to sleep. My parents said something similar-- that my stepfather has knee problems that make navigating stairs difficult. I was so excited before but now I feel downtrodden that our families don't share our excitement.

OP posts:
mummabubs · 06/07/2023 05:55

ChocBananaSmoothie · 06/07/2023 04:01

Then they can sleep on a fold out downstairs when they visit, if it's such a problem.

I'm having problems with my own parents refusing to share a room or bed when they visit here, so not feeling very sympathetic to parents right now. Sorry. :-)

We have this as well! Only one spare room (meaning we convert our playroom into a guest room using a sofa bed) and my in-laws refuse to share a room together. It's logistically challenging as we also don't have two sets of extra bedding.

I agree with the above OP, they can sleep on an air mattress or sofa if being downstairs is the most important thing for them.

Ifailed · 06/07/2023 05:58

I don't know where you live, OP, but I bet the difference in price between your new home and one with sufficient space to accomadate someone down stairs for a week or so far exceeds the cost of a hotel for the next 20 years.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 06/07/2023 06:00

I do know they visit regularly. There's private space for guests upstairs, which I now realize isn't helpful.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 06/07/2023 06:04

Do they live so far away that staying with you is essential? Can they book a local B & B ? No one has the 'right' to insist that someone else's home can accommodate them ... but do you actually like them and want them to visit?

Lacucuracha · 06/07/2023 06:05

Mastmw7g · 06/07/2023 06:00

I do know they visit regularly. There's private space for guests upstairs, which I now realize isn't helpful.

Of course it’s helpful. Why do you think this is your responsibility? Most parents are happy when they children find a house they like. Don’t compromise on a house purely to cater to guests who have the option of a sofa bed or hotel.

Do you think they bought their first houses based on your grandparents parents needed? They’re being extremely selfish.

lemonyellows · 06/07/2023 06:09

We are buying and we won't have a spare room as 4th bed will be an office. There will be a sofa bed downstairs. Guests can't demand a downstairs bedroom, that's crazy

turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly · 06/07/2023 06:25

Tell them when they come they can stay in a hotel nearby , Ignore the pressure and proceed with YOUR home. They simply ,with the best will in the world have no bearing on you. They will cope! Happy new home OP!

Astsjakksmso · 06/07/2023 06:27

YANBU.
Are they going to help with a house deposit for a downstairs bedroom? If no, then they shouldn't comment.
Also, if f your stepfather 'likes privacy' he can pay for it by staying at a hotel.
Presumably none of them are on the bon w of their arses...
Also once a week a few times a year isn't a lot

NeverThatSerious · 06/07/2023 06:30

Oh for goodness sake. Whilst having a massive house with the ideal, perfect space for overnight guests would be fantastic, it’s not an option. You like that house, that house suits your family and you’re the ones paying for it!
out of interest, can they honestly not ‘do’ stairs at all, or are they just whining for the sake of it? Do they all live in bungalows?

DisquietintheRanks · 06/07/2023 06:31

lemonyellows · 06/07/2023 06:09

We are buying and we won't have a spare room as 4th bed will be an office. There will be a sofa bed downstairs. Guests can't demand a downstairs bedroom, that's crazy

It's not just about the location of the bed- if guests/visitors can't climb stairs it's about the location of the toilet and/or bathroom too. You can't really stay somewhere that you can't use the bathroom and if you can't reach the toilet you can't even visit.

None of which means that they OP and her husband shouldn't go ahead and purchase the property but I can understand her inlaws being disappointed about losing the ability to stay.

thehoneymonster · 06/07/2023 06:31

Jesus Christ, you both need to grow a backbone and tell them straight, their 2 weeks visiting a year will not be having any impact on your choice of house.

They can use a camp bed or a pull out sofa bed.

OR I don't know where this crazy idea came from... they could stay in a hotel or b&b with accessible and very private rooms.

Honestly Mumsnet never fails to surprise me.

thehoneymonster · 06/07/2023 06:32

user1492757084 · 06/07/2023 05:16

Consider wether there is enough room for yourself to sleep and bathe downstairs should you be recovering from knee surgery etc.

Who even considers this when buying a house?!

Mammillaria · 06/07/2023 06:34

My DH's grandmother was really upset when my PIL bought a house without a spare downstairs bedroom, even though they said she could have their (downstairs) bedroom when she visited. She refused to speak to either of them for months.

Turned out she had assumed she be able to move in with them when she could no longer manage in her own home.

Part of me still wonders if my two disabled PIL bought a chalet bungalow with just one downstairs bedroom for the sole purpose of preventing that from happening!

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 06/07/2023 06:34

Mastmw7g · 06/07/2023 05:44

They each visit twice a year, for about a week at a time. I'll research sofa beds for MIL. My stepfather likes privacy and the only private rooms are upstairs.

A pull out bed sounds great. buy a comfortable one, put on nice bedding etc.

that would be reasonable way to be a good host.

not buying this house however wouldn’t be reasonable!
I agree with a pp, they could pay for a stairlift or buy pay the difference between this and a bigger house. Or be grateful to receive what you’re offering…

PinkiOcelot · 06/07/2023 06:35

thehoneymonster · 06/07/2023 06:31

Jesus Christ, you both need to grow a backbone and tell them straight, their 2 weeks visiting a year will not be having any impact on your choice of house.

They can use a camp bed or a pull out sofa bed.

OR I don't know where this crazy idea came from... they could stay in a hotel or b&b with accessible and very private rooms.

Honestly Mumsnet never fails to surprise me.

This.

Send them links to nearby hotels. I wouldn’t even be giving this headroom!

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 06/07/2023 06:36

There is a toilet downstairs, but guests would need to go upstairs to bathe.

OP posts:
unlikelychump · 06/07/2023 06:45

What is your current set up - a large bungalow?

FairAcre · 06/07/2023 06:46

You can’t buy a house to suit other people. I’m sure your mother in law and step father manage steps in shops/hotels/ restaurants and other every day solutions.

Roselilly36 · 06/07/2023 06:47

Congrats on finding a lovely home Flowers

We were in a very similar situation when we downsized, previously my late MIL used to stay regularly and had her own room. She was upset when we found an absolutely, perfect bungalow for us. (I have a disability) and needed a bungalow. MIL was upset as there was not going to be a bedroom for her, however we did have a room were we could have put a sofa bed. Very sadly MIL never came to stay in our new home as she died a few months after we moved.

You need to do what’s right for your family, you will live in your home everyday, your PIL will only visit a few times a year. They could stay in a local hotel if they don’t want to use a sofa bed.

Good luck with your move.

JenWillsiam · 06/07/2023 06:47

There’s nothing you can do about this. The chances of you finding a home with a bathroom and bedroom downstairs that fit your requirements is slim to none. By your dream home.

Summerfun54321 · 06/07/2023 06:49

It's much cheaper to pay for a hotel every time they visit then have a downstairs separate guest bedroom where I live.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/07/2023 06:55

I would consider a downstairs toilet essential, as otherwise that would make it challenging for many people to visit you. Beyond that a sofa bed is fine. Perhaps you can point out that a house with an extra room downstairs in the same area would set you back another £50k or whatever.

ChubbyMorticia · 06/07/2023 06:57

I came back to this thread because I can’t believe how freaking arrogant it is of both your parents and his to think that your home buying should cater to their twice a year visits!

Absolutely ridiculous!

Stravaig · 06/07/2023 06:59

Oh dear, they will have to stay in a hotel. Oops.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 06/07/2023 06:59

There are these things called hotels, where people can pay to stay, there's a place to sleep and a bathroom. That would be ideal OP for when your older relatives come to stay. If you google 'hotels near me' a bunch will come up.

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