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Original poster

To buy a home without a room for my MIL?

312 replies

Mastmw7g · 06/07/2023 03:23

We're buying a home and I was excited, then DH told MIL that all the bedrooms will be upstairs and she said she can't walk upstairs to sleep. My parents said something similar-- that my stepfather has knee problems that make navigating stairs difficult. I was so excited before but now I feel downtrodden that our families don't share our excitement.

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 06/07/2023 08:02

user1492757084 · 06/07/2023 05:16

Consider wether there is enough room for yourself to sleep and bathe downstairs should you be recovering from knee surgery etc.

Why would you need to be downstairs? Even in the hospital, that make you do stairs before they discharge you.

stayathomer · 06/07/2023 08:08

Mn is crazy for people getting so get up and jumping indignantly to say no way and let the other person figure it out- if they stay regularly then I’m so sorry but of course it’s something to consider. For people saying about stairlifts- 18years ago a cheaper stairlift cost 30k (euro) for a more basic model for my parents when my dad was dying and would have waited 4 years on the public waiting list (he only had been given a year to live)

ArcticSkewer · 06/07/2023 08:10

HunterHearstHelmsley · 06/07/2023 08:02

Why would you need to be downstairs? Even in the hospital, that make you do stairs before they discharge you.

Show quote history

It makes life easier?

Depending on op's age it's probably not worth considering, but my parents did this from age 55+. Every house they moved to they installed downstairs shower room so one of the downstairs rooms could be converted to a bedroom if needed. It was quite handy over the years. Doubled up as a spare guest room as well.

NamelessNancy · 06/07/2023 08:11

I honestly cannot fathom spending thousands to install a chair lift, which the family would have to live around all year, for the comfort of occasional visitors. Likewise adding tens of thousands to the budget for house buying. The cost of them staying in a b and b nearby has to be less!

stayathomer · 06/07/2023 08:12

Why would you need to be downstairs? Even in the hospital, that make you do stairs before they discharge you.
yes but they don’t expect you to do it twice daily minimum for your recovery period!! (I have dodgy knees and my mum and mil have had knee replacements)

ThanksItHasPockets · 06/07/2023 08:12

Very few houses have bathing facilities downstairs. Buy the house that works for you for the 48 weeks of the year that you don’t have guests. If necessary they will need to stay in a hotel nearby. Longer-term you can look into installing a downstairs wet room or similar.

Zonder · 06/07/2023 08:12

Is there a b&b nearby?

OrangesAndLemming · 06/07/2023 08:19

Honestly I think it’s selfish of your parents and in laws to not be happy you are making a better life for you and and your children. Sounds like you’re in a somewhat cramped flat and will be moving to a more spacious house with a garden - that will make your quality of life so much better and they should be happy for you and your kids. For now it sounds like stairs aren’t perfect but that they could cope or that a good quality sofa bed could be an option. In future this can be reevaluated, or they can stay in a nearby bnb or hotel that is more accessible if needs be. And as pp have said - they’re not buying it, you are and you’re getting stressed about 4 weeks of the year! It’s a house for YOU!

ClairDeLaLune · 06/07/2023 08:19

Would they like to contribute towards a bigger house with a downstairs annex? Or pay for you to have an extension?

SerafinasGoose · 06/07/2023 08:19

pilates · 06/07/2023 05:44

Ignore. No one buys a house to suit their parents/in-laws.

They do have an exacting list of demands, don't they? You are not a hotel.

Speaking of which, if arrangements in the home you've chosen don't suit their (many) requirements, a hotel might well be an acceptable alternative. I'd be tempted to suggest the idea.

Quiverer · 06/07/2023 08:21

stayathomer · 06/07/2023 08:12

Why would you need to be downstairs? Even in the hospital, that make you do stairs before they discharge you.
yes but they don’t expect you to do it twice daily minimum for your recovery period!! (I have dodgy knees and my mum and mil have had knee replacements)

They sort of do, as using the relevant joints and muscles is the best way to speed up their recovery.

BretonBlue · 06/07/2023 08:25

It is a fascinating insight into people’s problem-solving skills that anyone is advocating the installation of a £5k stair lift to be used for four weeks of the year rather than a downstairs shower which could be regularly used by the whole family. Neither is likely to be affordable for some years after the move so guests might need to stay in a hotel in the meantime. It’s not a big deal.

NotOnYourNellies · 06/07/2023 08:27

I think it's bloody selfish that they are thinking of their needs over what suits your family
Hotel , b&b or ab are options for them, none of this building a fucking summer house for £15000 /installing a stair lift for £4000 nonsense , if you could afford that I'm sure your house search would be wider

sevenbyseven · 06/07/2023 08:30

user1492757084 · 06/07/2023 05:16

Consider wether there is enough room for yourself to sleep and bathe downstairs should you be recovering from knee surgery etc.

Surely no one considers this when buying a house in their 20s/30s?! Unless they have a particular reason to think this might happen.

diddl · 06/07/2023 08:30

So neither MIL or SF have their bedrooms upstairs?

itsapalaver · 06/07/2023 08:32

They'll only need to go upstairs once a day for bed, they'd have to be totally decrepit not to manage that. Once they get to that stage they probably won't be up to visiting at all so I wouldn't worry about it!

My dad had to use stairs when he was barely able to walk following cancer treatment, he managed it with help.

Rinkydinkydink · 06/07/2023 08:33

diddl · 06/07/2023 08:30

So neither MIL or SF have their bedrooms upstairs?

They might,I’ve in a Bungalow.

bridgetreilly · 06/07/2023 08:34

@thehoneymonster My parents considered exactly that plus a whole host of other scenarios so that they could be sure the home they moved into about 20 years ago would be as future proofed as possible. It was a VERY good thing to have done.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 06/07/2023 08:35

Not a chance. Even ifa permanent member of the household can make it over the ever increasing requirements to qualify as needing a stairlift, they will have to pay for it themselves unless they are absolutely penniless.

@C8H10N4O2 In that case, why does anyone bother going through the "ever increasing requirements" if they have to pay for it, when they could just ring up Stannah and put an order in themselves??

ArcticSkewer · 06/07/2023 08:40

BiscuitsandPuffin · 06/07/2023 08:35

Not a chance. Even ifa permanent member of the household can make it over the ever increasing requirements to qualify as needing a stairlift, they will have to pay for it themselves unless they are absolutely penniless.

@C8H10N4O2 In that case, why does anyone bother going through the "ever increasing requirements" if they have to pay for it, when they could just ring up Stannah and put an order in themselves??

I really don't think the person whose 88 year old mother crawls up stairs due to arthritis should be put off asking for a needs assessment just because some posters say it's hard to get funding for a stairlift. Sure, they may not be offered a free stair lift but it's a whole home assessment and there may be other options available, or grants. A broken hip can lead to death or permanent disability.

C8H10N4O2 · 06/07/2023 08:42

BiscuitsandPuffin · 06/07/2023 08:35

Not a chance. Even ifa permanent member of the household can make it over the ever increasing requirements to qualify as needing a stairlift, they will have to pay for it themselves unless they are absolutely penniless.

@C8H10N4O2 In that case, why does anyone bother going through the "ever increasing requirements" if they have to pay for it, when they could just ring up Stannah and put an order in themselves??

Because theoretically its healthcare so as with increasing numbers of services over the past decade the pretence of a service is maintained but heavily rationed by ever increasing criteria.

Having been through this process for several elderly relatives I wouldn't even bother putting them through the misery of it unless they were utterly penniless, near completely immobile and living in a house with no downstairs loo. Even for washing the kitchen sink is classifed as "washing facilities" in many areas to negate the need for adaptations.

There is also the postcode lottery - if you live in an area with a high elderly demographic expect the criteria to be even higher. In areas with lower elderly populations in need you might be lucky.

The last stair lift I arranged to be fitted was 8K less than 3 years ago (anotehr item which is more expensive post Brexit).

DeliciouslyDecadent · 06/07/2023 08:44

If they only come twice a year and for a week, they should pay for an AirB&B nearby or a hotel.

It's not your responsibility to house them.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/07/2023 08:45

Firstly - congratulations on being able to buy your own home! That's quite an achievement.

What hotels/B&B/AirBnB are near to your new home? That's what I'd present them with if the topic comes up again. If they say that they won't be able to go upstairs you say "Oh that's ok. When you come to visit, I think you'd like staying here or here" and have the details of the other accommodation ready for them.

They have been very fortunate to have been able to stay with you in your flat up to now but situations change and they must adapt. Think of the amount of money you have saved them in the past by being able to accommodate them when they visited. They may actually enjoy being able to have their own space when they come to visit next time.

New times are ahead.

TheWalrusdidbeseech · 06/07/2023 08:55

Mastmw7g · 06/07/2023 05:46

They are not paying for the house. I need to remember that.

you know even if they were paying for YOUR house, it would be none of their business unless they bought it for THEM and agree to let you leave in it (rent or no rent).

It's hard enough to buy a house, I am sure there's no lack of hotel and BnB is yours is not of their liking.

I can't believe the cheek of these people!

burnoutbabe · 06/07/2023 08:58

Wenfy · 06/07/2023 04:55

I think if they all visit regularly and need to spend the night then you do need to consider them. I bought a house with a downstairs toilet and a short flight of stairs specifically to make it easier for my parents.

Yes it's one thing I consider when looking at places - is there easy access for my dad. Ie parking and a lift in flats.

It's not the main criteria but it is one to take into account as far as possible.