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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy a home without a room for my MIL?

312 replies

Mastmw7g · 06/07/2023 03:23

We're buying a home and I was excited, then DH told MIL that all the bedrooms will be upstairs and she said she can't walk upstairs to sleep. My parents said something similar-- that my stepfather has knee problems that make navigating stairs difficult. I was so excited before but now I feel downtrodden that our families don't share our excitement.

OP posts:
loislovesstewie · 06/07/2023 07:00

thehoneymonster · 06/07/2023 06:32

Who even considers this when buying a house?!

Show quote history

I did, but I am older and have an adult child with disabilities. One reception room could be a permanent bedroom and there is a downstairs shower room. I wouldn't want to live in a house without a downstairs loo either.However the situation here isn't the same and the parents should just take themselves off to a hotel for their visit.

70sTomboy · 06/07/2023 07:01

I'd almost be tempted to look at properties that would accommodate them, look at the difference in prices and give them your bank details, saying that's the difference in what we can afford, as soon as you have transferred the cash you can look at bigger property, 😉

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 06/07/2023 07:02

Our current set up is a flat without stairs for them to walk up, but it's very small and there's not much space for their grandchildren, so I had thought everyone would be happy there was space to play and a garden. Everyone's right that I should grow a backbone and be happy with my choice.

OP posts:
Weal · 06/07/2023 07:03

Do you want them to continue to be able to stay for a week at a time? If that is important to you then you probably do need to look at a different property. If you aren’t bothered that they can’t stay for a week at a time (I wouldn’t be) then happy days. Crack on and get the house. A pull out sofa bed is fine for young people or for one night, it’s quite a lot for elderly people for a week though.

Can they/you afford to pay for a week at a nearby hotel/air b and b instead of them staying in your house for a whole week?

HairyKitty · 06/07/2023 07:04

I’m not sure why your husband hasn’t considered this before the moment his own mum feels unwelcome.

Mikimoto · 06/07/2023 07:05

Mastmw7g · 06/07/2023 07:02

Our current set up is a flat without stairs for them to walk up, but it's very small and there's not much space for their grandchildren, so I had thought everyone would be happy there was space to play and a garden. Everyone's right that I should grow a backbone and be happy with my choice.

This is an incredibly exciting stage for you and YOUR family, and if anyone wants to come and see your lovely new home, that's fine too.
Some sofabeds are really decent nowadays, and I can't imagine anywhere that doesn't have a couple of cute B&Bs or AirBnBs...

Toddlerteaplease · 06/07/2023 07:05

HarrisJu · 06/07/2023 04:30

They can get up stairs if they want.
My dm is practically riddled with arthritis but has no choice but to go upstairs to her bed. She sometimes goes up on her hands and knees.
She’s 88!

Get her a stair lift before she hurts herself!

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 06/07/2023 07:07

When my mum was having trouble with stairs she paid for an extra handrail. Never once moaned about our house despite moving two hours away. Because it’s my life.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 06/07/2023 07:10

I do want them to continue to visit and want everyone to feel welcome. I honestly hadn't thought about stairs being a hindrance. Just whether there was enough bedrooms.

OP posts:
SimonsCow · 06/07/2023 07:11

A house with bedrooms downstairs is quite unusual and may not suit your day to day life. You can’t wait around until such a thing comes into your budget. You buy the family home that suits you and you can afford. Sofa beds, blow up beds etc can be looked into later or maybe there is a nice b&b down the road.

ChocBananaSmoothie · 06/07/2023 07:13

mummabubs · 06/07/2023 05:55

We have this as well! Only one spare room (meaning we convert our playroom into a guest room using a sofa bed) and my in-laws refuse to share a room together. It's logistically challenging as we also don't have two sets of extra bedding.

I agree with the above OP, they can sleep on an air mattress or sofa if being downstairs is the most important thing for them.

Show quote history

So how do you handle it? Mine are staying in hotels but they find it too close proximity there too!

Rinkydinkydink · 06/07/2023 07:13

It wouldn’t stop me but if I wanted my family to stay I would put a shower room in downstairs if they can't manage the stairs and a sofa bed in downstairs.

I don’t know the plan of the house but if there’s a separate room downstairs then that could be their bedroom.

ZenNudist · 06/07/2023 07:15

My friend has a disabled mum and has always made sure her houses over the years can be accessed by her and has a downstairs space for her to sleep. It doesn't need to be a bedroom. A living room with sofa bed and downstairs toilet/shower should be fine.

ChocBananaSmoothie · 06/07/2023 07:15

Mastmw7g · 06/07/2023 05:44

They each visit twice a year, for about a week at a time. I'll research sofa beds for MIL. My stepfather likes privacy and the only private rooms are upstairs.

If they want free accommodation they might have to deal with it not being their perfect situation. There's always less privacy when staying in someone else's home.

borntobequiet · 06/07/2023 07:15

I’d be upset if my children felt their choice of a home was dependent on my needs. Let them make alternative arrangements if they can’t get upstairs.

Wishitsnows · 06/07/2023 07:15

Did your parents buy their houses based on your grandparents needs? Did you have stairs in your house as kids growing up?

Whendoesmydietstart · 06/07/2023 07:20

Depending on your budget and garden space, is it feasible to build a little summer house that could couple up an annex guest accommodation? My pil did this, they have a summerhouse with daybeds and an adjoining loo and shower. The project would have cost £15k 5 years ago.

hapout · 06/07/2023 07:21

To be honest if I wanted parents or PILs to visit and stay then it's something I would have considered when looking at houses. Our spare room is up 4 flights of stairs and FIL has a bad knee, so we wouldn't consider having them stay there. I don't believe a sofa bed will be comfortable enough for them at their age, plus the bathroom here is up 3 flights of stairs, so they will stay in a hotel, but it's very expensive as we're in London (and it's us who will pay the bill as DH always offers). Obviously in some areas that kind of property just doesn't exist - where we are most houses are town houses with at least 3 floors. And I personally would prefer not to have guests staying anyway, but the dcs do like to see their GPs.

midgetastic · 06/07/2023 07:23

If you are not wealthy a house with a spare downstairs room that can be used as a bedroom will cost a lot more

Arniesleftleg · 06/07/2023 07:24

Mastmw7g · 06/07/2023 03:48

They do visit, that's why they all were disappointed.

@Mastmw7g Can you not put a sofa bed downstairs? We have a 3 bed but converted out old kitchen into a snug that is big enough for a decent double sofa bed. My parents stay and sleep in there, until mum became poorly, now we give them out bed when they come but still insist on sleeping downstairs or going to a premier in but spending the days with us (they live 3 hours away).

BMW6 · 06/07/2023 07:25

I'm confused - why can't they simply stay in a nearby hotel or B&B???

Obviously they can visit your home in the day, you have a downstairs loo, then at night they go to the accommodation to wash and sleep.

What's so wrong with that?

Astsjakksmso · 06/07/2023 07:25

hapout · 06/07/2023 07:21

To be honest if I wanted parents or PILs to visit and stay then it's something I would have considered when looking at houses. Our spare room is up 4 flights of stairs and FIL has a bad knee, so we wouldn't consider having them stay there. I don't believe a sofa bed will be comfortable enough for them at their age, plus the bathroom here is up 3 flights of stairs, so they will stay in a hotel, but it's very expensive as we're in London (and it's us who will pay the bill as DH always offers). Obviously in some areas that kind of property just doesn't exist - where we are most houses are town houses with at least 3 floors. And I personally would prefer not to have guests staying anyway, but the dcs do like to see their GPs.

The problem is that downstairs bedrooms are rare, and will command a premium. Not just because of their rarity but because you will be competing with wealthy older people downsizing/moving precisely because they can't manage stairs.
It rules out the majority of houses unless you have a large budget.

A downstairs toilet by contrast is pretty easy to find.

Astsjakksmso · 06/07/2023 07:26

Also OP have you considered folding wall beds?

Goldfoot · 06/07/2023 07:26

It seems odd that this hadn't occurred to you.

Where do they sleep when they visit you currently?

You don't have to choose your house based on where parents and ILs will sleep, but if you currently live a life where they do visit, why hadn't you thought about how that would be managed, even if it's that you'll find a suitable B&B?

Fwiw when my DGM visited when she could no longer manage the stairs we set up a bed for her in the hall. Not perfect, but manageable for a few days and meant she could still visit.

Sugarspiceallthingsnice2 · 06/07/2023 07:26

Stair lift