To buy a home without a room for my MIL?

[Mastmw7g]

We're buying a home and I was excited, then DH told MIL that all the bedrooms will be upstairs and she said she can't walk upstairs to sleep. My parents said something similar-- that my stepfather has knee problems that make navigating stairs difficult. I was so excited before but now I feel downtrodden that our families don't share our excitement.

It makes sense when you are going towards retirement age, I think people are crazy not considering the practicalities of aging at some point, but the OP is just buying her first house, her in-laws and parents are CF.

Having an extra bathroom downstairs is very useful, but only in bigger houses. It put a lot of people off not to have one upstairs.

I would search for local hotels not a sofa bed

I’m sure they can navigate stairs once in a while. My arthritis ridden 90 year old nana can - my mum goes in front and I go behind, takes a while to get her up but it works.

Some ppl have a stair lift or a small lift installed for their parents. Just a thought if you have a small area to put a small lift.

Do you have a garden? Could you afford to build a guest garden studio?

You're well within your rights to buy whatever house you choose and they too can feel disappointed that they won't be able to visit you or their grandkids any longer. Do they have the funds for a hotel? If not I can see why it would be really disappointing to them. If they can't manage the stairs and the bath is upstairs I can't see how they will stay with you again. It doesn't mean you can't buy the house it just means you won't see them as much. If they are good grandparents/parents it's a loss for everyone. Why wouldn't they feel sad?

How old are your parents @Mastmw7g ?

If you are buying your 1st home I am assuming they are quite young.

Do they live in a bungalow now?

Most people can manage stairs unless they have a serious disability. My parents can do stairs and they are in their 90s.

Are they all buying the house for you?
do they pay the bills?

The "ideas" for installing lifts and summer houses are v funny! If the OP had that kind of spare cash, she'd probably be looking a bit wider in her house search.

You can't base your housing purchases on your parents' twice yearly visits. Hotels, air bnb, etc exist.

Point them to the nearest hotels in the area.🤣

You managing doesn't mean everyone else will.

Me too. Result. Much as I loved my parents and inlaws (all gone on ahead now) I was kind of glad they were 200 and 300 miles away and most visiting was done by us to them

out of interest, can they honestly not ‘do’ stairs at all, or are they just whining for the sake of it? Do they all live in bungalows?

I wondered this. My 92 year old FIL lives in a bungalow. He moved there about 10 years when Mils dementia was starting to get worse. She passed away in 2020.

He visits us several times a year and stays several days at a time. He manages the stairs slowly and carefully, usually with one of us standing behind for safety. Even MIL was managing the stairs with help up until the first lock down put paid to visits for a while

My word of caution would be that if your parents/PILs are at the stage of life where they are having mobility issues, it may not be many years before they decide that making the journey to yours at all is too much for them (something my ILs are on the verge of doing).
When that happens, it will have been pointless and frustrating to have changed your choice of house to suit their accessibility requests.

We have this problem with my father who lost a leg, just before we moved. He simply can't manage the stairs. I have bough a John Lewis folding sofa bed and we have a down stairs toilet. In the long run, we may build an extension with a wet room.

OP, I would look into sofa beds and the possibility of screening off a corner of your downstairs rooms for when FiL comes to stay. Other than that, Premier Inn or a caravan would cheap & accessible.

Have you researched to see if there's any airbnb bungalows nearby? Might be the only option if stairs become impossible for them.

Bloody Hell. I'm not far off 55, and nfw would I be thinking of downstairs shower rooms for the elderly, or of sleeping downstairs.

This is very true, though.

Seeing this as them being disappointed to not being able to stay than them saying not to buy the house.
Which is understandable, you are family and being open works both ways.

Can't believe the amount of people casting the parents as the enemy and name calling just for voicing their concerns.
The same people who expect grandparents to be unpaid childcare.

Could have said yes, it's a shame we can't afford a bigger place with a downstairs bedroom but if and when you can't manage the stairs anymore, there's x hotel/b&b close by that you can stay in when you visit.

A friend with mobility issues could have said the same thing OP, bit you've deliberately only stated MIL in your title despite your parents also saying the same.

Op if the house has enough bedrooms upstairs but none of the parents want to use the guest room, does that mean that the house will really be too big for your needs? Ie are you going to be paying for something you don't really need, not just to buy the house, but in council tax, heating and general maintenance.

That's an assumption. My parents were never once unpaid childcare. They weren't even casual babysitters. I think they babysat my kids maybe ten days in their entire childhoods.

Yes, I agree with this.

When we bought our current house, we expected my PIL to stay a few times a year but that hasn't happened because of poor health - we always go there now.

Unless you can afford a house with an extra room downstairs which can be mainly used as something you want/ need like a playroom or study, an extra bedroom would be a totally useless massive extra expense which, even if you could afford, would be really difficult to find. One they get used to the idea of a hotel you and they will probably find it ok. Breakfasting on peace before joining you for the day.bOwn bathroom. Coming back to rest after full days with you. Especially when there are young children on the mix to get organised for days out ext. Stick to your guns op. Be practical and cheerful about it rather than apologetic and hopefully they will see that you have to choose your home on the basis of what you can afford and what is practical on an everyday basis. As you are going to have a downstairs toilet you are sorted for them coming over from a hotel.

You can get a sofa bed fir visitors buy the house

Stairlifts do not cost 30K. I had one put in my house for my mother when she really could no longer get upstairs. I got a reconditioned one for about £900. New ones are around £3000 to £4000. The local authority helped with the cost of a stairlift in her own home but obviously we had to pay for one in mine. It folds away quite neatly but is a bit unattractive I suppose. No need for people aged 88 to be crawling upstairs.