Page 9 | To be losing patience with my DH and his anxiety

HumbleBumb · 2023-07-05T21:49:24+00:00

Holiday being booked for end of August. France or Spain because DH doesn't want to fly with the kids. Now he's talking about the riots (even though we are talking about weeks away). Every time I suggest something "we could stop off here" etc He talks about the need to "process it all" and becomes quiet or looks at his phone. He said today he wants to wrap DC in cotton wool and just keeps thinking how unsafe travelling is. He does say "I know its not logical and I don't want to stop us doing stuff but I find it all very hard". He also says "I dont Need u to fix it, I'm just struggling so be patient with me" It feels miserable planning anything. DC are toddlers AIBU for losing patience? But I'm struggling to orgnszie it all, think about what DC need, and manage his anxiety about travelling to bloody Europe. The instinct that reflect worst on me is that for some reason he's exaggerating it all anyway.

MotherofGorgons · 09/07/2023 08:50

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 08:45

What I am finding difficult to understand is how someone's desire to go abroad is more important than someone's health and well-being.

What if he got help but it took years? Mental health issues aren't solved overnight. There are occasions where they may never be solved.

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As is often said on MN, people can leave a marriage for any reason and I would certainly be leaving anyone who wanted to wrap my kids in cotton wool. No thanks.

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 08:53

@MotherofGorgons I don't believe in leaving a marriage for any reason but that's a whole other thread.

I couldn't leave my husband for that reason, I love him and want his happiness to come before mine.

OrbandSpectacle · 09/07/2023 08:53

In that scenario, I hope that both parents would agree that the best compromise would be for the OP to take the dc on holiday without him.

Yes, leaving him free to fly off to his lads holidays with no annoying encumbrances like his wife and kids.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/07/2023 08:53

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 08:50

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves OP can go on holiday, nothing stopping her. Husband shouldn't be forced if he isn't ready though.

I'm truly shocked by the amount of people who would end a relationship because of someone's disability.

Have you ever lived with someone who has anxiety and refuses to get help with it?

It is not as simple as leaving someone because of a disability. It is about leaving someone who is refusing to seek medical help for a condition that is having a negative impact on the lives of his family. Do you think they should just put up with it while he makes no attempt to address it?

MotherofGorgons · 09/07/2023 08:54

You don't believe in leaving a marriage for any reason?😯

SilverGlitterBaubles · 09/07/2023 08:55

Bluebells1970 · 09/07/2023 08:27

The amount of posters would tolerate and support/enable this is astounding.

You and your DC should not be living a life that is guided by someone else's anxiety and illogical rules. And truthfully, any decent parent would recognise that their levels of anxiety are causing an issue and need to be dealt with. The head in the sand approach benefits him and him alone.

Agreed. I would be very concerned that this will impact your DCs lives going forward as he wants to wrap them up in cotton wool. Will school trips be a no? Trips to theme parks? Letting them stay are friends houses, going to university even. Accepting he has a problem and trying to do something about it would be a deal breaker for me.

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 08:57

Oh yes, I've lived a good few decades dealing with anxiety and a close family member is currently sectioned. Help had to be forced on them because they refused.

IMO with it being a holiday, I think for the time being, it's a sacrifice that has to be made. I don't know how severe OPs husband is in other aspects of his life. If he's fine in other areas then I can't see a GP prescribing long term medication solely based on not wanting to go on holiday. They may recommend CBT.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/07/2023 08:57

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 08:53

@MotherofGorgons I don't believe in leaving a marriage for any reason but that's a whole other thread.

I couldn't leave my husband for that reason, I love him and want his happiness to come before mine.

You don't believe in leaving a marriage for any reason?

Not even if a partner is violent or abusive? OK then. You have no standards. Your choice.

The rest of us have reasonable expectations of our life partners and would not tolerate selfish behaviour like the OP's DH, where he is free to travel with his mates but seems to limit the freedoms of his wife and children because he wants to wrap them in cotton wool and doesn't want to get help for his anxiety. That is shitty behaviour on his part, whether you want to acknowledge it or not.

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 08:58

MotherofGorgons · 09/07/2023 08:54

You don't believe in leaving a marriage for any reason?😯

Did you mean divorcing for any old reason? No I don't believe in that. I believe marriages need to be worked on and compromises reached instead of walking away at the first sign of trouble.

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 09:00

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves In your opinion it's poor behaviour but not in other peoples opinion.

He likely feels less anxious travelling without the children as it's only himself to worry about. It seems that he becomes extremely anxious when travelling with his children and panics that something is going to happen to them. There is a clear distinction in the nature of the trips that are being compared.

MotherofGorgons · 09/07/2023 09:01

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 08:58

Did you mean divorcing for any old reason? No I don't believe in that. I believe marriages need to be worked on and compromises reached instead of walking away at the first sign of trouble.

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Yeah this discussion is taking over the thread and I think most posters disagree with you. I don't want my husbands happiness to come before mine, so there we are...

A GP would absolutely prescribe medication even for fear of flying. Let alone this level of anxiety.

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 09:03

Recipe to a good marriage is I believe, making sure others are happy. If everyone in the family lived by that then everyone's needs would be catered for.

However, if everyone put their own happiness first and foremost, it would make for a very unhappy family dynamic.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/07/2023 09:06

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 08:57

Oh yes, I've lived a good few decades dealing with anxiety and a close family member is currently sectioned. Help had to be forced on them because they refused.

IMO with it being a holiday, I think for the time being, it's a sacrifice that has to be made. I don't know how severe OPs husband is in other aspects of his life. If he's fine in other areas then I can't see a GP prescribing long term medication solely based on not wanting to go on holiday. They may recommend CBT.

Well, if his anxiety is limited to holidays with his wife and kids but strangely not holidays with the lads, I hardly think it would meet the definition of "a disability" then, would it? You can't have it both ways.

Either this is a disability which has a significant impact on his ability to live a normal life, in which case he needs to seek proper help with it so that it doesn't impact negatively on those around him.

Or it is just one thing that he is irrationally worried about, so he doesn't actually have medical anxiety and he needs to pull himself together and sort himself out so that he doesn't stop his wife and kids from doing something that is perfectly normal.

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 09:07

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves That's the thing, we have no idea. It could very well be impacting his whole life.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/07/2023 09:07

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 09:03

Recipe to a good marriage is I believe, making sure others are happy. If everyone in the family lived by that then everyone's needs would be catered for.

However, if everyone put their own happiness first and foremost, it would make for a very unhappy family dynamic.

OK, so the OP's DH needs to make sure that his wife is happy. This means getting help to ensure that his anxiety doesn't limit his wife and children's freedom, surely?

Fairislefandango · 09/07/2023 09:08

What I am finding difficult to understand is how someone's desire to go abroad is more important than someone's health and well-being.

What I am finding difficult to understand is how it's not worth getting help for your anxiety to enable you to do things which are important for your family, as long as you can function fine at work and go on holidays with your mates.

How can you claim this is about someone's desire to go on holiday being more important than someone else's health and well-being, when what the OP wants is for her husband to a to actually get proper help for his health and well-being in order to fully enjoy family life without being terrified about his wife and children dying?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/07/2023 09:08

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 09:07

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves That's the thing, we have no idea. It could very well be impacting his whole life.

Indeed. In which case, it will be miserable for the OP and her kids to live with, hence the need for him to seek proper medical help.

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 09:09

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves if he can manage that then yes (I don't know how severe this anxiety is). But equally, OP could maybe look at easing off a bit and giving him time to recover without the pressure of a holiday. Give and take.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/07/2023 09:10

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 09:00

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves In your opinion it's poor behaviour but not in other peoples opinion.

He likely feels less anxious travelling without the children as it's only himself to worry about. It seems that he becomes extremely anxious when travelling with his children and panics that something is going to happen to them. There is a clear distinction in the nature of the trips that are being compared.

The majority of people on this thread consider it to be poor behaviour.

And more importantly, the OP is not happy about it. It is her relationship so it is her opinion that matters.

The fact that you don't put much weight on being able to travel abroad is irrelevant if it is important to her.

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 09:14

I feel that all those posters saying he needs to get help and get over his anxiety have no clue what anxiety feels like. If I am wrong, then I apologise.

I suppose this subject is very close to home for me and I just can't comprehend not putting the unwell person first.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I am trying to give insight into how it may feel for him if he truly does have an anxiety disorder. I would be mortified if people said these things about my family member who is unwell.

It's quite upsetting to read these comments pulling people down who suffer with anxiety so for that reason, im out.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/07/2023 09:15

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 09:09

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves if he can manage that then yes (I don't know how severe this anxiety is). But equally, OP could maybe look at easing off a bit and giving him time to recover without the pressure of a holiday. Give and take.

But where is the give on his part?

If he was actively seeking medical help to address his anxiety, then fair enough, I would think it reasonable to suggest waiting for a year while he sorts himself out.

But there is no prospect of him sorting himself out. He is OK with the staus quo and thinks it's reasonable to put limits on the OP's freedom and that of his children so that he doesn't have to worry. He doesn't want to take medication because he thinks he is fine?

So the OP is doing all of the "giving" by putting up with this and he is not seeking to address the issue. How is he going to recover without help?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/07/2023 09:17

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 09:14

I feel that all those posters saying he needs to get help and get over his anxiety have no clue what anxiety feels like. If I am wrong, then I apologise.

I suppose this subject is very close to home for me and I just can't comprehend not putting the unwell person first.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I am trying to give insight into how it may feel for him if he truly does have an anxiety disorder. I would be mortified if people said these things about my family member who is unwell.

It's quite upsetting to read these comments pulling people down who suffer with anxiety so for that reason, im out.

I have every sympathy with people who suffer from anxiety. But not if their approach to managing it is to try to control others' lives rather than seeking medical help for themselves.

MotherofGorgons · 09/07/2023 09:18

Oh @MrsBennetsPoorNerves you have uttered the taboo phrase " pull yourself together". I agree with all you say though. Very well put.

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 09/07/2023 09:20

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves people absolutely shouldn't control others lives.

I apologise to all if I came across abrupt, this is a very sensitive topic and I suppose I can't look at it as objectively as I would like.

Mischance · 09/07/2023 09:21

The problem is that people who are anxious often feel that their concern is the sensible view and those around them are reckless. My late OH was like this ... when I said "It will be fine" he would say I was being ridiculous and then list all the dreadful things that could happen.