To be losing patience with my DH and his anxiety

[HumbleBumb]

Holiday being booked for end of August. France or Spain because DH doesn't want to fly with the kids. Now he's talking about the riots (even though we are talking about weeks away). Every time I suggest something "we could stop off here" etc He talks about the need to "process it all" and becomes quiet or looks at his phone.

He said today he wants to wrap DC in cotton wool and just keeps thinking how unsafe travelling is. He does say "I know its not logical and I don't want to stop us doing stuff but I find it all very hard". He also says "I dont Need u to fix it, I'm just struggling so be patient with me"

It feels miserable planning anything. DC are toddlers

AIBU for losing patience? But I'm struggling to orgnszie it all, think about what DC need, and manage his anxiety about travelling to bloody Europe.

The instinct that reflect worst on me is that for some reason he's exaggerating it all anyway.

I haven't RTFT but wanted to give you my experience with DH, who is very similar.

I'd suspected for years that DH suffered with anxiety, but it's only since he eventually sought help and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression that we both realised the extent of it.

I've come to slowly realise that he really can't help it, and that actually his fears make him truly miserable and fearful. Yes I find them irritating (and I've ample experience of being left to deal alone while he frets away to himself) but I now try and remember that it's actually horrible for him as well, quite aside from the feeling that he's letting me down.

I employ strategies now to make life easier for us both. When travelling for example, I always book a lounge going out or we stay overnight if it's an early flight. I'm now utterly resigned to being at the airport way before security even opens because it relieves his stress that we'll be late (on one memorable occasion we were sat eating breakfast at the airport two hours from home, before our neighbours who were on the same flight had even got out of bed) I try and discover exactly what it is that is causing the angst, because often it's not actually anything concrete. On other occasions we can put strategies in place to mitigate the fear eg. we always have working mobiles in case we get split up. It can cost a fortune depending where we go, but it means DH could phone me if we got separated, which ultimately makes him less anxious.

Your post resonates so much with me, and knowing what I do now I think I would be tempted to change your plans. The resentment I felt at DH's influence over our family holidays was very damaging, and though we joke about some of the incidents now, I'm still a bit bitter at the wasted money and opportunities.

I would speak to your DH and explain that you understand his fears are genuine, but that your DC will miss out unless he gets help. Plan a UK holiday this year, or stay very close to the ferry port but make it very clear that the compromise comes with the expectation that he seeks real and proper help. If this is not forthcoming then I would be looking at doing these trips without him once your DC are old enough (if that's something that you think you would enjoy 😉)

Could it also be argued that it's controlling to force someone to do something they really don't want to do (holiday) and equally selfish to make them feel bad about it?

If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't want to go. It's not a necessity. My DH refuses to travel abroad again (reasons not related to anxiety) and I respect his feelings and his decision. If I wanted to go abroad he wouldn't stop me but I have no desire to.

I'm quite taken aback by the amount of posters who have basically said they couldn't live with this. Aren't we supposed to support out partners through their sicknesses? We don't just bail on them.

Spporting a partner through a sickness is all well and good, but at the point where your support turns into a crutch and the person experiencing the illness feels no need to seek proper medical help for the illess, then you've taken support too far, and the sick individual has taken the leaning on someone else too far.

Where an illness is affecting the way an individual functions in a family with children, then that person slides into a position where he or she is taking emotional energy from the other parent, usually not putting in enough effort on the parenting front, and in general becoming a liability in the family.

There are multiple approaches to treating anxiety. Leaning heavily on your spouse and opting out of family life sn't one of them.

Is it supposed to be a one way street or did they both make that vow?

What it demonstrates is how ready some people are to throw women under the bus when the interests of men and women collide.

"Women! Know your place!"

Can you imagine if the roles were reversed and men were saying that they can't cope with their partners PND after having a baby so they will leave?

People need to have empathy and always put others needs before their own.

Why do people need to put others' needs before their own? I don't see this as comparable to PND. Most women with PND have no choice but to get up and function, not dump everything on the other partner.

Telling that PPs whose spouses don't like to travel have also now decided they don't like to travel themselves. People making their lives smaller because of a spouse/ DP. No thanks!

Sometimes anxiety has an actual physical cause.

This should always be thoroughly investigated first as all the counselling in the world won't help if its an underlying illnesses that needs treatment.

I'm quite surprised no one is mentioning this.

@MotherofGorgons I guess it depends how much a person loves their partner. If they do, then they will support them to get better, not walk out on them at the first sign of difficulties.

Putting others needs before our own is the loving and unselfish thing to do.

Yes, that must be it..I definitely don't love my DH enough to put up with this behaviour. I don't love anyone enough to give up travel.

You need to have a proper sit down and tell him he is responsible for his anxiety not you. He cannot let it effect (affect?) you and your children. He needs to get help. You tell him this in a very matter of fact manor. You do not let him turn it to how terrible he feels. That’s not on you.

you also point out raising children is a partnership, he has to pull his weight and therefore can’t just be left alone!

People’s priorities differ and you don’t get everything in relationships.

Frankly a loving partner I enjoyed being with who was a good dad would win over going on holiday any day. Being anxious about travel doesn’t mean the op does everything throughout their life. If holidays trump everything then clearly there is an issue

Also there is nothing stopping the op from sorting and going on her own holidays. Will be cheaper and minus toddlers. Her fullness of life isn’t reliant on her husband going with her on the holidays she wants.

Why is there an issue if holidays are important to a person?

Right, the OP has to go on holiday alone for the rest of her life. Does her DH sound like the type of dad who will look after two toddlers on his own alone?

. I know so many women like this who have made their lives tiny because of their overanxious partners who refuse to go anywhere. It's awful.

I would divorce someone who wouldn't seek medical help for something that impacts the whole family.

I'd just tell him I'm booking this. Are you coming or not? And I'd be flying if it's Spain.

And I would ultimatum him on GP or divorce solicitor.

I find it intriguing that he can manage to get his shit together for his lads trips

I think most of the posters saying the OP should put up with lad's trips but not a family holiday are anxious themselves, and don't travel.

Also the endless posters saying they are scared of flying. The OP is driving. All the way to Spain! To accomodate her DH. What more should she do?

I find it intriguing that he can manage to get his shit together for his lads trips

Amazing isn't it. Instant cure right there.

These threads are always full of people saying things like "Imagine this was a physical illness!" "What if this was a physical illness?" They appear to have very little up-to-date knowledge of how physical illnesses are generally managed.

If you injure your leg, you are given physiotherapy instructions and told in no uncertain terms that you need to gradually work through your exercises, even if it's boring or tiring. Otherwise you may end up with a leg that never works well again.

If you have surgery, they push you to get out of bed fairly soon. Because it is now known that outcomes are better when people get on their feet sooner rather than later - it prevents iatrogenic issue like bedsores and blood clots.

If you take pain meds for a particular time limited illness or injury, they set rules about how much and how often and make you start tapering off as soon as it's doable, to prevent things like long-term dependency developing.

Etc etc.

Most mental health complaints also need to be proactively engaged in. Overdoing the "support" out of kindness can become enabling after a certain point.

Wow. You don't love anyone enough to give up travel? Not even your children? I can't even get my mind round that.

@user1477391263 You are right what you are saying about enabling to a degree but a person with an anxiety disorder can do everything possible to help themselves yet still have the disorder for the rest of their lives.

Nope. If one of my DC couldn't travel for whatever reason, I would take turns with DH to travel. I wouldn't give up travelling.

I expect better from adults though.

Me too.

Men can be like that though.

My close friend refers to her husband as Lazarus at times, and to his face based on an old story.

He was sick in his bed dying of man flu for two days and he got a call from his mate that there was concert ticket going if he could make it.

She knew no more until he walked into the kitchen showered, dressed, and asking for a lift.🙄

She found it funny, but a decade on he can't so much as hint at an illness without her gentle reassurance that "you'll be fine Lazarus"😁

I get it OP.
My husband has the same anxiety.. especially about international travel.
I understand anxiety … I also have it but citalopram is life changing for me.
My husband refuses medication, will not have therapy .
I book holidays but he is absolutely unbearable about it and I feel very controlled.
I love him to bits though! It is very hard.

though

Sure, but the OP's husband doesn't seem to be doing everything possible, does he?

@MotherofGorgons But adults who suffer with this can't help it. The fear is truly that intense that it is unmanageable at times.

@user1477391263 I do agree with you there but it's perhaps not at the level yet where he feels medication is necessary. Holidays aren't necessary to some people, some even can't stand going away so it could be argued that it's not particularly an important enough issue.

However, if it was affecting necessary, everyday life then he definitely needs to see the GP and get some help.