To be losing patience with my DH and his anxiety

[HumbleBumb]

Holiday being booked for end of August. France or Spain because DH doesn't want to fly with the kids. Now he's talking about the riots (even though we are talking about weeks away). Every time I suggest something "we could stop off here" etc He talks about the need to "process it all" and becomes quiet or looks at his phone.

He said today he wants to wrap DC in cotton wool and just keeps thinking how unsafe travelling is. He does say "I know its not logical and I don't want to stop us doing stuff but I find it all very hard". He also says "I dont Need u to fix it, I'm just struggling so be patient with me"

It feels miserable planning anything. DC are toddlers

AIBU for losing patience? But I'm struggling to orgnszie it all, think about what DC need, and manage his anxiety about travelling to bloody Europe.

The instinct that reflect worst on me is that for some reason he's exaggerating it all anyway.

OPs husband has not done anything to help himself so he can help it. But is perfectly able to manage lads trips.

As a pp said I might endure this short term if he was getting help, but I would divorce long term if it continued.

I think in your place I would book a relaxing break of one in the sun via a plane to wherever you like, and let him have a staycation with the children. Where he knows they will be safe .

@MotherofGorgons You would divorce if your husband didn't want to go on holidays anymore?

In the OP's case, yes. I would find all this fussing and mithering unattractive. I married an adventurous man myself. If he suddenly started behaving like a 90 yr old I would be out of there.Just like men leave their wives for getting fat all the time! Or if they don't get enough sex. Why is that OK but women have to tiptoe around their miserable husbands?

I am guessing you don't like to travel either @KentuckyFriedChicken83

Not the same as a physical illness. If my DP broke a leg and lay in bed all day refusing to do physical therapy, I would be similarly put off.

@MotherofGorgons I loved travelling, been all over the world. It's my husband that doesn't want to travel anymore and I respect his feelings and decision on that. I would never divorce him over it, that would be ridiculous.

I see you don't go anywhere on your own either @KentuckyFriedChicken83 because now you don't want to go without your husband. I find that ridiculous tbh. It always starts small, and then ends with the whole family having to change for the person with anxiety. OP is too young for that. Maybe as you get older or less healthy....

There is no man on earth who will keep me penned up at home when there is such a beautiful world out there.

@MotherofGorgons Sorry it may be because I'm tired (not slept all night) but I read your post as saying I'm ridiculous for not wanting to go places without my husband. Apologies if I have misunderstood

Yes, you are right. You enjoy travelling but have given it up because your DH is too anxious to travel? Sorry but I do find that ridiculous unless he is seriously unwell.
And you want OP to do the same?

@MotherofGorgons His not wanting to travel is nothing to do with anxiety. He is the furthest from an anxious person that you could get. I did enjoy travelling but I'm in too much pain now so I wouldn't really enjoy it anymore.

I think the OP needs to take into consideration her husbands anxiety issues and have a proper talk about it and explore ways for him to get help, if that's what he wants.

Ok so neither of you want to travel then @KentuckyFriedChicken83 which is a completely different scenario.

OP does want to travel..So her DH does need to consider what she wants.

Well, with toddlers we always holidayed in the UK as I found it much easier and less stressful, but your dh should get help for his anxiety.

Travelling can be stressful but it's also a huge amount of fun.

@MotherofGorgons Oh I'd love to still travel, so many places I would want to see but I do have to respect my husbands feelings on the matter, just like I believe OP should respect her husbands feelings on this issue.

It seems like his anxiety is around travelling with the children which makes sense because you do tend to worry about your kids more than yourself. It sounds like it's all consuming for him though. Anxious people will avoid situations because they don't like the feelings that being in that situation brings. If it was me, I would view a holiday as not worth going through those scary feelings for and I would hope my husband would understand.

I am back to disagreeing with you then @KentuckyFriedChicken83. I don't think the OP should enable her DH. And I do think he needs to try to get over his scary feelings.

Wrap the kids in cotton wool? What is he going to do if they backpack through India?

@MotherofGorgons Are you meaning she should force him to do something he doesn't want to do? It's really not as easy as just getting over it.

The amount of posters would tolerate and support/enable this is astounding.

You and your DC should not be living a life that is guided by someone else's anxiety and illogical rules. And truthfully, any decent parent would recognise that their levels of anxiety are causing an issue and need to be dealt with. The head in the sand approach benefits him and him alone.

@KentuckyFriedChicken83 he has not tried medication or found a good therapist. Yes meds don't work for everyone but he hasn't tried so how would he know?

The not easy discussions can wait until he has done both.

As stated further upthread, perhaps he doesn't think a holiday is a serious enough issue to go get help for as holidays aren't necessary, they are a luxury that many people live happily without. If it was affecting his everyday life, such as not leaving the house at all then yes he would definitely need to get some help.

It's serious for the OP. It would be serious for me too.

I don't blame you for losing patience, OP.

It's fine to be anti-medication if he is leading a "normal life" and his condition is not impacting on others. That's a personal choice and I would respect it.

However, his condition is impacting on you and the children and it is stopping you all from doing normal things like going on holiday. That isn't fair, and he needs to seek proper help to address his issues in order to stop limiting your freedom and that of the children.

The kids are going to want to do more and more as they get older. Life is full of risks, and one of the most challenging aspects of parenting is learning not to let your own inevitable worries get in the way of your kids leading their lives. Is he going to stop them from doing anything exciting just so that he doesn't ever have to worry about them?

I would seriously consider taking them away without him, or finding someone else to go with you - your mum? A friend? A sibling? It isn't fair for you to have to put your life on hold if he isn't making serious and sustained efforts to get better.

What I am finding difficult to understand is how someone's desire to go abroad is more important than someone's health and well-being.

What if he got help but it took years? Mental health issues aren't solved overnight. There are occasions where they may never be solved.

I agree with this 100% I am shocked at the amount of people encouraging the OP to make hers and her children's world smaller 😔.

Holidays might not be important to him, or to you. They are important to the OP, though, and they are important to me too. If a partner was limiting my ability to do normal things like taking my kids on holiday, and refusing to seek proper help for it, I would be seeking to end the relationship.

I lived with my mother's crippling anxiety for years and I would not be prepared to stay with a partner who chose not to seek help. It is deeply selfish to just expect others to work around it because you don't want to address it.

OP should take the kids abroad and leave husband at home if he genuinely can't do it. OP gets her holiday, kids aren't affected and husband isn't forced into anything.

In that scenario, I hope that both parents would agree that the best compromise would be for the OP to take the dc on holiday without him.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves OP can go on holiday, nothing stopping her. Husband shouldn't be forced if he isn't ready though.

I'm truly shocked by the amount of people who would end a relationship because of someone's disability.