To deduct the cost of replacement period pants from DD’s pocket money?

[Handsoffmypants]

Am I being a horrible mother?

My daughter is nearly 13, she has diagnosed ASD and being referred for ADHD, for full disclosure. However despite social communication difficulties, she is fairly ‘normal’ for her age in the sense that she can get a train into the city to go and meet her friends, go around the shops etc, in fact in that sense she’s more independent than my much older daughter.

She has an allowance of £50 per month which she buys all her clothes and make up from (except expensive things like trainers and coats etc).

Her room is a fucking pigsty and there’s always clothes all over the floor, including the clean piles of laundry which I put on her bed for her to put away. She never bothers, they get turfed onto the floor, then every once in a while she puts everything, clean or dirty, back into the laundry basket. Obviously I get pissed off with her about this. Last night was one of those times, laundry basket went from pretty much empty to overflowing with her clean/dirty clothes.

I’ve put on a wash of some of the stuff out of her room, and amongst it was 2 pairs of my period pants, which as anyone who buys them
knows, aren’t cheap.

Now this isn’t the first time she’s nicked my period pants, she has plenty of pairs of her own but because her room is such a jumble of clothes, it’s easier to take mine from my organised drawers than hunt through her clothes for hers. I have told her very clearly in the past that I am not in the slightest bit up for sharing period pants with her, it’s fucking rank and she needs to find her own ones and not take mine. Apart from anything else, I have a separate bin for period pants and put them on their own wash without fabric conditioner, as you’re supposed to, so as not to wreck them - but of course she just chucks hers (mine!) in the main basket and I don’t notice until I’m hanging washing out to dry.

There is a recurring theme btw of her not respecting mine or her sister’s possessions at all, taking what she fancies and then lying about it.

So tonight, after the discovery of two pairs of my period pants being used by her, after fuck knows how many times of telling her not to do that, I’ve reiterated again that she’s an absolute minger for thinking I want to share period pants with her, she can keep those pairs and I will replace mine out of her pocket money. AIBU?

Nope I think that is fair enough!!
Absolutely rank item to share IMO - I'd be stopping the pocket money altogether and drip feeding it for each day/week her room stays tidy.

Agree with PP. she needs to learn consequences of her actions. Tidying room is pretty basic.

Agree with previous posters

I think target the general messiness but don't shame her about needing period pants.

My dd is the same with mess and has ADHD and needs very very clear guidance to clear her room. I have to stand and point and give her instructions every night to make sure she's on top of it.

I’d do it, but more in the spirit of sorrow you have to take her money off her because she was thoughtless, than in anger.

Yanbu, be matter of fact about it and help her tackle her room. Is there anything you can do to make it easier for her to keep on top of it? Does she have a separate bucket for her period pants?

I also think its fair enough because of the borrowing when she knows she's not allowed but my DD is similar and needs a lot of support to help keep her room tidy so I would look at whether there was more I could do to help her get the hang of cleaning up/putting things away.

Yes I would say no more pocket money until she sorts her room out. If she wants to live in a tip that’s up to her, but not fair if it’s causing you extra washing and she’s taking your clothes.

However, here is a suggestion - could you get a separate basket for her clean clothes? Then they wouldn’t get mixed up with the other stuff.
My DCs have a laundry basket for dirty stuff, but also a smaller basket for their clean clothes. They are responsible for putting it all away. I am sure if I just put it on their bed it would probably end up on the floor too.

Does her room need a reorganisation? I find that if they have specific places for everything, my DCs are better at keeping tidy.

She has her own though - they’re just in her pigsty

I couldn't get worked up about dd wearing my period pants (if I had such things) given they'd be washed before I wore them again, anyone else would be completely different.

Teenagers bedrooms are another matter.

I think target the general messiness but don't shame her about needing period pants.

Where has the OP shamed her daughter for needing period pants?

Hmmmmm

i think you should go through all her clothes with her and make sure that everything has a place and that all the clothes fit into the places. Then she has to maintain it.

Id let her off the period pants on this occasion because I don’t think you can expect a 12yo with ASD/ADHD to organise from scratch - which is what she needs to do and why she can’t find her period pants.

You suspect ADHD and are angry by her lack of organisational skills. Yabu. She needs more direction.

I have offered many times to help her organise her clothes properly, but she just goes apeshit and won’t let me help her.

She is in the box room but she has a lot of clothes storage space, plenty of drawers for being able to have t-shirts in one drawer, pants in another etc, but her idea of putting clothes away is stuffing them into wherever there is space, all jumbled up. I know she has SEN but she’s more than capable of doing this, she’s just too fucking lazy.

The clean clothes basket is a good idea.

OP, come on.

Your DD has confirmed ASD and is being assessed for ADHD.

Genuine question - how on earth do you expect her to clean her room, organise it and put away clean clothes?

Surely you understand the challenges with this - otherwise why on earth are you getting her assessed if you're not going to make accommodations??

You dont understand adhd if you think this is lazy.

Really?
Well, the OP has been clear that she’s not comfortable with this - and I don’t think that’s the AIBU anyway.

Yes, I think deducting pocket money is fine in these circumstances, you’re not depriving her of sanitary wear, just reinforcing a boundary.

My DD has ikea cube boxes for clothes which seems to work better than drawers for her?

I'm not sure you're being genuine, OP.

She needs less stuff.
adhd causes people to struggle with organisation as I’m sure you know. If she has too much stuff she is being set up to fail.

so I think I’d approach it slightly differently. I wouldn’t be happy at the casual nicking of other peoples stuff so consequence would be grounded and a sort out of room(she will need your help) so that she can find her things. Every time she borrows without permission because she can’t find her stuff that would be the consequence. allowed back out when room is to your standards.

I have ds. That sort of casual borrowing would cause murder in our house between them.

Uh I have adhd and I can confirm I am MORE THAN capable of being lazy.

@Handsoffmypants I do think some pp are correct about going through her clothes with her though - think you need to insist. She can’t keep on top of them as is.

This.
Sounds like she's struggling. Rather than a punishment, try and find a way through that benefits you both. She'll just resent you.

In fact I just said to her that from next month rather than getting her pocket money in one go she can have it every week on the condition that her room is kept tidy and her clothes are put away properly, and offered to come and help her organise them now, and she said ‘nah I don’t have to do it for another month’ 🤦‍♀️

I think it's awful to even consider it.

She is a disabled child who needs support, it sounds like your expectations of her don't match her ability.

Don't punish her for this, it really really is not a fault

I think to say it's rank and that she is minging is harsh. She is your flesh and flood your own DD just a child still. They are washed between uses.

I'd be more bothered I might need them myself so for this reason alone yanbu

exactly. it's hardly being treated as shameful if her mum uses them too. I agree though, from the title you sounded UR but from what you've said that is going way too far, I wouldn't wear someone else's knickers normally, let alone period ones besides which taking other people's stuff is stealing, and inconsiderate, you would have been struggling if you needed them and couldn't find them.

it's the fact there are 2 pairs as well, it's not even as if she panicked because she couldn't find hers so took 1 pair of yours then searched for hers and asked you to put an emergency wash on as soon as you could (and even then she should have ASKED you if she could borrow a pair or if you had normal protection or whatever not just nicked them!).

At some point she might end up sharing a flat at uni/with friends or whoever so she needs to learn that you can't just take other people's stuff when you can't find yours.