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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To deduct the cost of replacement period pants from DD’s pocket money?

332 replies

Handsoffmypants · 05/07/2023 20:12

Am I being a horrible mother?

My daughter is nearly 13, she has diagnosed ASD and being referred for ADHD, for full disclosure. However despite social communication difficulties, she is fairly ‘normal’ for her age in the sense that she can get a train into the city to go and meet her friends, go around the shops etc, in fact in that sense she’s more independent than my much older daughter.

She has an allowance of £50 per month which she buys all her clothes and make up from (except expensive things like trainers and coats etc).

Her room is a fucking pigsty and there’s always clothes all over the floor, including the clean piles of laundry which I put on her bed for her to put away. She never bothers, they get turfed onto the floor, then every once in a while she puts everything, clean or dirty, back into the laundry basket. Obviously I get pissed off with her about this. Last night was one of those times, laundry basket went from pretty much empty to overflowing with her clean/dirty clothes.

I’ve put on a wash of some of the stuff out of her room, and amongst it was 2 pairs of my period pants, which as anyone who buys them
knows, aren’t cheap.

Now this isn’t the first time she’s nicked my period pants, she has plenty of pairs of her own but because her room is such a jumble of clothes, it’s easier to take mine from my organised drawers than hunt through her clothes for hers. I have told her very clearly in the past that I am not in the slightest bit up for sharing period pants with her, it’s fucking rank and she needs to find her own ones and not take mine. Apart from anything else, I have a separate bin for period pants and put them on their own wash without fabric conditioner, as you’re supposed to, so as not to wreck them - but of course she just chucks hers (mine!) in the main basket and I don’t notice until I’m hanging washing out to dry.

There is a recurring theme btw of her not respecting mine or her sister’s possessions at all, taking what she fancies and then lying about it.

So tonight, after the discovery of two pairs of my period pants being used by her, after fuck knows how many times of telling her not to do that, I’ve reiterated again that she’s an absolute minger for thinking I want to share period pants with her, she can keep those pairs and I will replace mine out of her pocket money. AIBU?

OP posts:
ejbaxa · 05/07/2023 20:35

Then give her the choice: either you and her spend a couple of hours organising or she pays for the period pants she wrecked.

Runnerduck34 · 05/07/2023 20:35

YABVU
I say this as a mum of 2 autistic teenage daughters, one of whom also has ADHD and her room is also very very messy.
Dealing with periods is very hard for autistuc teens. One of mine also hid soiled underwear and struggled to cope with periods, the chances are your DD is struggling with periods which is very common for autistic girls ( even ones that mask well enough to appear NT) I would gently support her not shame her. Can she have a period pant washing basket in her room? Can you get her a few more pairs? As a parent its your responsibility to buy sanitary products, if you cant afford petiod pants ( they are very expensive) buy some sanitory towels as well.
My DD is know 16 and copes well with periods but first 18 months were hell- her room is still a pigsty though!

Coronationstation · 05/07/2023 20:35

I’ve said YANBU (on the basis of having a room like a pig sty and sharing pants) but ultimately she’s 12 going on 13 with ASD and possible ADHD and being able to manage her budget and things like sanitary protection when she needs it like an adult is probably asking a bit too much.

latetothefisting · 05/07/2023 20:36

I have sisters and a mum by the way so know that sometimes 'borrowing' occurs and it can be annoying whatever it is but period pants (any pants!) are so far past the line...

Donotshushme · 05/07/2023 20:36

Handsoffmypants · 05/07/2023 20:12

Am I being a horrible mother?

My daughter is nearly 13, she has diagnosed ASD and being referred for ADHD, for full disclosure. However despite social communication difficulties, she is fairly ‘normal’ for her age in the sense that she can get a train into the city to go and meet her friends, go around the shops etc, in fact in that sense she’s more independent than my much older daughter.

She has an allowance of £50 per month which she buys all her clothes and make up from (except expensive things like trainers and coats etc).

Her room is a fucking pigsty and there’s always clothes all over the floor, including the clean piles of laundry which I put on her bed for her to put away. She never bothers, they get turfed onto the floor, then every once in a while she puts everything, clean or dirty, back into the laundry basket. Obviously I get pissed off with her about this. Last night was one of those times, laundry basket went from pretty much empty to overflowing with her clean/dirty clothes.

I’ve put on a wash of some of the stuff out of her room, and amongst it was 2 pairs of my period pants, which as anyone who buys them
knows, aren’t cheap.

Now this isn’t the first time she’s nicked my period pants, she has plenty of pairs of her own but because her room is such a jumble of clothes, it’s easier to take mine from my organised drawers than hunt through her clothes for hers. I have told her very clearly in the past that I am not in the slightest bit up for sharing period pants with her, it’s fucking rank and she needs to find her own ones and not take mine. Apart from anything else, I have a separate bin for period pants and put them on their own wash without fabric conditioner, as you’re supposed to, so as not to wreck them - but of course she just chucks hers (mine!) in the main basket and I don’t notice until I’m hanging washing out to dry.

There is a recurring theme btw of her not respecting mine or her sister’s possessions at all, taking what she fancies and then lying about it.

So tonight, after the discovery of two pairs of my period pants being used by her, after fuck knows how many times of telling her not to do that, I’ve reiterated again that she’s an absolute minger for thinking I want to share period pants with her, she can keep those pairs and I will replace mine out of her pocket money. AIBU?

She's got asd and possible adhd. Stop telling her she's a minger and that her room is a fucking pigsty. Shaming her won't do anything to help.

Yeah you are being horrible.

Natty13 · 05/07/2023 20:36

badluckorbadvibes · 05/07/2023 20:34

I think it's awful to even consider it.

She is a disabled child who needs support, it sounds like your expectations of her don't match her ability.

Don't punish her for this, it really really is not a fault

She's not being punished for the disorganisation though, she is being punished for taking and using something she was specifically told not to. Theft isn't a symptom of ADHD.

Original poster
Handsoffmypants · 05/07/2023 20:37

I don’t expect her to clean her room or organise it, I do expect her to be able to put socks in a socks drawer, trousers in a trousers drawer etc. She has plenty of time on her hands. She’s nearly 13, not 3, and is more than capable of organising things when it benefits her. But because the only disadvantage of her not keeping clothes organised is that it creates more work for me (washing clean clothes again) and my clothes go missing, so she can’t be fucked.

OP posts:
Diablocircus · 05/07/2023 20:38

I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

However, laundry is one of the hardest tasks to master when you have ADHD. So I don’t think deduction of pocket money will fix this long term. Could you help her develop a system?

I’m speaking from experience.

My clothes are a mess but I have a system for my toddlers clothes, with dividers and labels and it’s worked a dream.

saltrocking · 05/07/2023 20:38

My ASD daughter is the same. She really struggles with being organised/tidy. What's worked for us is splitting chores into smaller chunks. Mondays washing, just dumping her stuff in the basket, Tuesday is emptying plates rubbish out, Wednesday is putting clean things away. I try not to nag because she then goes into refusal. She's got used to just getting into the routine now although it's taken years lol

TheOwlChronicles · 05/07/2023 20:38

She's 12.

You want her to have a clean and hygienic room yes? Work alongside her and get it clean and organised and then spend 10 minutes a day ensuring clothes are in the wash and clean stuff is hung up and there's a general tidy up going on. Don't just leave her to it, you're setting her up to fail tbh

Meeting · 05/07/2023 20:39

Completely reasonable. And definitely a good idea to make her earn her pocket money, or at least making it conditional that her room is tidy.

Meeting · 05/07/2023 20:40

TheOwlChronicles · 05/07/2023 20:38

She's 12.

You want her to have a clean and hygienic room yes? Work alongside her and get it clean and organised and then spend 10 minutes a day ensuring clothes are in the wash and clean stuff is hung up and there's a general tidy up going on. Don't just leave her to it, you're setting her up to fail tbh

Have you even read OP's posts? She clearly states multiple times she offers to help.

TheOwlChronicles · 05/07/2023 20:41

@Meeting I read them. I gave my opinion. I wouldn't have a room in my home a 'pigsty' .. id dedicate time each day to go in there and tidy / clean it with her.

veryfluffyfluff · 05/07/2023 20:41

Seems fair enough. I'd perhaps deduct half from this months and half from next months

2bazookas · 05/07/2023 20:43

Tdell her, her £50 a month allowance is conditional, (bedroom, laundry issue, period pants) and unless she complies/cooperates with your basic domestic arrangements her allowance is toast.

I'd also stop doing her laundry; let her manage it entirely by herself.

Diddykong · 05/07/2023 20:43

FOJN · 05/07/2023 20:27

I think target the general messiness but don't shame her about needing period pants.

Where has the OP shamed her daughter for needing period pants?

In the bit where she said she would chastise her for stealing the pants. Having been shamed for needing sanpro in my teenage years I'd advise focusing on helping with the mess not zero in on the pants issue.

Does she need fewer clothes so things don't get so out of control? Does she need help with an evening or morning routine?

Original poster
Handsoffmypants · 05/07/2023 20:43

I don’t expect her to do anything else around the house, the only ‘chore’ she has is putting her clothes away, and she won’t do that. I don’t think it’s a lot to ask. She hasn’t been in school for nearly a year (long story), so literally has all the time in the world to do this one simple job. At some point she will need to be a functioning adult, I really don’t think putting her clean clothes away properly as her ONLY expectation in life is too much to ask.

Oh and there’s always sanitary towels in the bathroom, so there is absolutely no need to be taking my period pants, if she really can’t be arsed to hunt her own pairs out there’s always that option.

OP posts:
iholdgrudges · 05/07/2023 20:43

I get how frustrating this is, mines an adult now and still does things like this. I think making pocket money conditional on organisation is a good call, keeping her space organised will be beneficial for her headspace too. I wouldn't expect her to be able to 100% keep on top of it but start cracking down if it goes below 75% maybe.

Ponderingwindow · 05/07/2023 20:44

ASD and periods tend to be a particular challenge. It will get easier, but they need additional support beyond the basic teen.

we are cleaning out my 14yos room this year and are unearthing some truly horrifying things. It’s clear they date back to the time when she was 12 and early 13 so I am not holding it against her.

what I am doing is realizing that my commands to clean her room were never going to work. She needed more scaffolding than that. It triggered her anxiety to have me come help, so we didn’t for the longest time, but I finally realized that it has to happen regardless. We are cleaning out drawer my drawer and inch by inch and I am not saying a word. Then we are spending a great deal of time really thinking about how she uses the space to put things in place to keep it organized in the future.

DyslexicPoster · 05/07/2023 20:44

With my mingy tern I have decided that I'm putting his clean stuff in a basket downstairs and it's up to him to hunt it out. I routinely just put everything from his basket back in the wardrobe.

So yanbu. She needs to learn. Sometimes painfully is best way to learn

ExtraOnions · 05/07/2023 20:45

Parent of an ASD (high functioning) DD here (aged 17)

Withholding pocket money is unlikely to lead to a tidy room - you are dealing with someone who is neuro-diverse. That ND may well mean that they aren’t being untidy on purpose, they can’t cognitively do it.

My daughters room used to be horrific .. I can’t begin to tell you. She had a breakdown over lockdown, and get room was her sanctuary. Anyhow we started small .. “all dirty pots to be left outside room” was the start, we now have no problems with grotty pots

With clothes, they all live on her bedroom floor, and she’s fine with that … and I really can’t get worked up about it, she’s wearing them, if she’s not bothered they are creased (which she isn’t) I’m not loosing any sleep over it. I’ll only wash dirty clothes though - any clean clothes in the basket, get left in the basket and go back upstairs.

With period pants, she’s not wearing them to piss you off, she’s wearing them because she needs a pair, and they are accessible .. so keep yours in an inaccessible place. The outcome of that might be wearing regular knickers and flooding through.

”normal” punishments don’t work for (high functioning) ASD young people. One thing that is really important is autonomy and feeling in control. So for us it was, your room is yours to do as you will, just no dirty pots, and I’ll Chuck you a bin bag in once a week to out your rubbish in. I’ll never go in to just clean, I’ll wait to be asked to help, or, check it’s ok. It might look messy to you, but make perfect sense to her.

BandyLionAndDurdock · 05/07/2023 20:46

FOJN · Today 20:27
I think target the general messiness but don't shame her about needing period pants.

Where has the OP shamed her daughter for needing period pants?

Well, for a start she’s called her lazy and a minger.

OP. She does need to learn these life skills but getting angry at her won’t help. How is the rest of the house? Does she see others organising and cleaning? My sister used to get so angry with her kids for being messy but she was the worst offender. They had no chance of leaning. If your DD has ALN then she will need more help. Shouting and shaming her will just damage your relationship. You can keep boundaries without resorting to anger and name calling.

FinallyLeavingDenver · 05/07/2023 20:47

Yes, I think you’re being unreasonable. Then again I wouldn’t post things like this even on a public forum so we’re probably very different people.

BMW6 · 05/07/2023 20:47

Seems reasonable to me. She is going to have to get along without you as an adult so she can start learning now. ADHD shouldn't be a get-out-of-jail-free card.

Could you put a lock on your door so she can't access your things?

speluncean · 05/07/2023 20:47

If she has adhd she potentially isn't capable of doing it

I'm the same. At 50-odd I don't have the executive function to be tidy on a day to day basis.