To deduct the cost of replacement period pants from DD’s pocket money?

[Handsoffmypants]

Am I being a horrible mother?

My daughter is nearly 13, she has diagnosed ASD and being referred for ADHD, for full disclosure. However despite social communication difficulties, she is fairly ‘normal’ for her age in the sense that she can get a train into the city to go and meet her friends, go around the shops etc, in fact in that sense she’s more independent than my much older daughter.

She has an allowance of £50 per month which she buys all her clothes and make up from (except expensive things like trainers and coats etc).

Her room is a fucking pigsty and there’s always clothes all over the floor, including the clean piles of laundry which I put on her bed for her to put away. She never bothers, they get turfed onto the floor, then every once in a while she puts everything, clean or dirty, back into the laundry basket. Obviously I get pissed off with her about this. Last night was one of those times, laundry basket went from pretty much empty to overflowing with her clean/dirty clothes.

I’ve put on a wash of some of the stuff out of her room, and amongst it was 2 pairs of my period pants, which as anyone who buys them
knows, aren’t cheap.

Now this isn’t the first time she’s nicked my period pants, she has plenty of pairs of her own but because her room is such a jumble of clothes, it’s easier to take mine from my organised drawers than hunt through her clothes for hers. I have told her very clearly in the past that I am not in the slightest bit up for sharing period pants with her, it’s fucking rank and she needs to find her own ones and not take mine. Apart from anything else, I have a separate bin for period pants and put them on their own wash without fabric conditioner, as you’re supposed to, so as not to wreck them - but of course she just chucks hers (mine!) in the main basket and I don’t notice until I’m hanging washing out to dry.

There is a recurring theme btw of her not respecting mine or her sister’s possessions at all, taking what she fancies and then lying about it.

So tonight, after the discovery of two pairs of my period pants being used by her, after fuck knows how many times of telling her not to do that, I’ve reiterated again that she’s an absolute minger for thinking I want to share period pants with her, she can keep those pairs and I will replace mine out of her pocket money. AIBU?

You sound like a brilliant mum and you talk about your daughter with such respect.

I understand how you feel but I hope you didn’t say ‘it’s fucking rank’ and call your child a ‘minger’. Let’s not perpetuate the idea that periods are dirty and disgusting- you can make your point without that language.
Buy yourself more period pants if you won’t use them again and hide them away somewhere.

I've asd and adhd and I think yanbu. She has to learn that actions have consequences. She stole your belongings and stealing has consequences. She also has to learn to try and organise her room some bit, whatever way that she can manage that. She has to be a functioning adult some day despite her issues and quite frankly I've seen too many parents make excuses for their nd children and then seen those children grow into adults and struggle hugely.

I wouldn't charge her as I am soft. Just tell her off..she is only little and it doesn't send a nice message to her to come down harshly. We all parent differently for different children so I am sure some wouldn't agree with me but hey ho.

If she has ADHD she has executive function problems - my mum used to tell me to clean my room as a child but I didn't know how. You need to spend some time with her everyday helping her get into a routine.
I have an undergraduate and post grad degree and had a great career with my final job being head of a department. But I've had to pay people to hold my hand and explicitly explain to me the steps in cleaning. I realised with therapy I was visualising the steps for work stuff in my head but was not approaching cleaning that way. Ask her if she was to tidy her bed what would the first steps be and imagine doing these in her head.
I realise this sounds weird - it took me decades to realise that I wasn't doing things because I didn't know the steps. I would avoid opening mail as I was not sure what to do with it when I had opened it.
The reason people with ADHD can do somethings like work but not home is we hyperfocus when our adrenaline is surging. Get her adrenaline going at home with things like exercise - a few star jumps before tidying her room sort of thing.

Is this a sick joke post?
you firstly tell us your daughter is just 13 years old and then you tell she has autism and possible adhd. You let her put on her own to catch trains across town and you’re swearing like a fish wife in your post!!

Maybe your daughter doesn’t have autism, maybe she’s just messed up because of her mother . Sorry if that sounds harsh and I’m not easily shocked but I’m honestly dumbfounded with your post.

We are all ND in this household so I’d say I have a pretty good understanding. However, the fact remains that we all have to pull together to make our environment at least habitable. I don’t expect much from either of them, because I know they have their struggles. But then so do I, as well as having a disability and having to work to keep a roof over our heads, and being constantly exhausted and in pain.

I haven’t just launched straight in with the ‘you’re a minger’ line…plenty of nicey nicey requests precluded this over the last year or so.

You’re not unreasonable to make her pay for them but I have to say your tone is so vicious in these posts it really gave me pause. Do you have issues with emotional dysregulation yourself?

You don’t sound like you like your 12 year old child with SEN very much. I think your first step would be to learn about your daughter’s condition and likely condition and work on your anger issues. In the mean time, take 10 minutes of your day to help make your child’s life a bit easier by organising her clothes.

But she’s only 12 and has ASD! My 11yo dd has asd and similar in messiness and treatment of period pants. In fairness she’s only had 4 periods but it’s a learning curve getting used to periods and I’m being as supportive and patient as possible.

i wouldn’t be happy with her behaviour but do not find it shocking considering her age and ASD. I was told autistic children are a third younger in terms of emotional maternity and this is about right for dd - she is less mature than 9yo nt dd and needs a lot of guidance and reminders with behaviour that seems obvious.

I think that the OP needs to do something about this yes. ASD and ADHD the DD she still needs to learn to function and not take other people's things.

However, I think it is the OP's fault that she doesn't notice what she is putting in the washing machine. We double check for wrong coloured items and tissues and items that need a gentler wash, before putting a wash on.

I feel for you OP but as someone with ASD and ADHD myself I think you are being somewhat unreasonable and are definitely being unfair on saying she is being "fucking lazy." Many with ADHD have been told they are lazy so many times. No wonder so many internalise it and feel we are failures. I can barely organise my house or keep it tidy and I am in my 40's. She may well be finding that it feels totally impossible to keep her room tidy, keep her period pants in a place where she can find them etc. As frustrated as you may be she needs alot of clear instructions, patience and support.

YABU.

Sorry OP, but I strongly disagree with your proposed solution.

You're looking at things in a very black and white way and people like us (Autism) don't process ideas in the same way as NT folk.

I definitely used to 'borrow' stuff from my older siblings when I was a teen and even with photographic evidence, would deny all knowledge. I have no idea why as I'm usually very kind and caring when someone needs help. 🙁

I also still have a floor robe of clothes and I'm almost 60!

I can't manage to keep things orderly and tidy despite years of trying different methods and with lots of help from my DH. 😳😩

I get that you are angry right now but if you direct all this anger and shaming at her around cleanliness, organisation etc it will not make it easy for her to talk to you, or make changes.

She's got ASD and probably ADHD. I can tell you that you won't be the only person giving her the message that she is disgusting, rank and lazy. So maybe cut that out.

At risk of sounding patronising, read up on executive function and watch some videos of people with ASD or ADHD talking about cleanliness, housework etc.

Suggest have an amnesty where all her stuff will be cleaned out and organised with NO mention of things she should not have or things she has done wrong.

Then 10 minutes every day body doubling with her to maintain her room. Non negotiable, with rewards for compliance.

Ok so 15 pairs is a lot. About the same as my dd. In that case, I would give her an amnesty this time. I’d sort her knickers out for next month and start in August to get her room sorted… unless you can find a way to encourage her to sort them out this month.

Is there anything she really would like to do that you could make her earn it? I got my dd age 13 to agree to 3 hours a week French with me and (school should have been teaching her as dh is French but there was a cock up) in exchange for getting a hamster. She waited for 3 months and did a total of 5 months with me before being able to start it in yr9.

Yes, YABVU.

Girl with SEN living in a box room is punished by her own mother for using essential sanitary items? This feels a bit like charging my sons money if they use my en suite and dare to use any toilet roll there.

OP I have ASD (yes, diagnosed) and honestly I think you're doing the right thing - she still needs to learn consideration and respect for other people's belongings.

Maybe hide your pants and have a few backup pairs of pads for her to take the heat out of things?

She is 12, with a medical condition that makes organisation difficult for her. From your tone, I thought she was about 17 and deliberately careless. YABVU.

I don't think she should pay for them. There's loads wrong with this situation, and you're not wrong to be upset, but I don't think her paying for them is the answer. Just my view.

@NalafromtheLionKing yes, she has the box room. Because my house is small, I am a single parent and that’s what I can afford. I’m not putting her in there whilst withholding the en-suite presidential suite just to be an arsehole.

And for the nth time, she has constant access to sanitary protection, in different forms, so there is no excuse at all.

Tricky. Not sure I would deduct the period pants, it’s give them a good wash they’ll be fine. I can see your thinking but you are angry right now.

The OP doesn't want to replace the pants because they've been worn by her daughter, which is bad enough IMO.

She has left them in a bundle of clothes, they have been washed with the wrong products and will now not work to the standard they should do.

Period pants are not cheap - YANBU OP

I understand OP.

If you had posted that you often left used period pants on your bedroom floor for days there would be some very different replies regardless of how you excused it.

That analogy is awful🤣

Op’s DD has already been provided with essential sanitary products.